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i am so freaking tired i desperately need a break and i'm gonna take it; not so sure how much help it would do though. guess what, my break will be me skipping school. the ironic about this break is that i still have cca later in the afternoon, but still a break nonetheless. hey JL, thank you so much for the conversation just now, its been so long since we last talked and it seriously felt good. thanks again.

dearie, i know you are feeling so useless and incapable of doing things, but trust me, you can do wonders. i know exactly how you feel, because there's just so many instances when i wished i could have done a lot more for you, but there's only so much i did. like just now, i seriously wished i could do more than seeing you close that lift door. *sayang*. don't feel too bad ok, understand that sometimes, its not possible to make a person feel better immediately, but by showering your love, that person would somehow feel better.

and well you, err you should know who you are cos i was there listening to half the conversation with you and raydance. i don't exactly know what happens, and maybe you don't really need another person giving the same advice. listen, you are only who you make yourself up to be. its not easy to be strong, but we all have to do it. you get me? it really doesn't matter what people say about you, because people come and go, they enter you life for that brief period, then they leave, friends or not its still the same. if you're gonna be affected by every passing person, you'll be feeling sad all the time. in the end its only you, your emotion, your opinion about yourself, nothing else is gonna matter. if you feel good about yourself, that pretty much does it. friends are those who appreciate who you are and love you for what you really are. don't ever change yourself for someone else. its not worth it. come to a compromise with your friends, things will definitely turn up for the better. if someone expects you to fall, would you purposely do it? of course not right? so this is the time to show all those people out there that: "hey i am so much better than all of you". this is not to say that you should be cocky and arrogant, but self confident. it comes from within, build on it. my reputation precedes me in a horrific way, but i still live with it. its really not that bad. i know that my real friends are always there, just like your real friends will always be there for you too. although i am not entirely and extremely close to you, i wished i did some help, below is the lyrics to a song i seriously hope you will download to listen to it. sing it to yourself ok. remember the hero lies in you.

Mariah Carey - Can't Take That Away

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow
Anyone to succeed
Hanging clouds over me
And they can try hard to make me feel
That I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter
In what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams

'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me
From me

They can do anything they want to you
lf you let them in
But they won't ever win
If you cling to your pride
And just push them aside
See
I have learned there's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul
That they cannot possess
So I won't be afraid
And darkness will fade

'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me

No
They can't take this
Precious love
l'll always have inside me
Certainly the Lord will guide me
Where I need to go

They can say anything they want to say
Try to break me down
But 1 won't face the ground
I will rise steadily
Sailing out of their reach

Oh Lord
They do try hard to make me feel
That I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter
In what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams

'Cause there's a light in me that shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me

oh well, i think i am pretty much screwing my life. what's with all those crushes and all those who crushed me. and i think this is a seriously wrong time to get into any relationship and also i can't because i am still hopelessly liking someone else. but then again. and my world's spinning so fast its probably getting out of control again. one of my crush asked me if it was so impossible to see me just once a week (cos i stood him up today. but i really couldn't make cos there was a lot of last minute changes in my dance). it was then that i realised this shouldn't be the way. its my life and i don't have time for myself. i don't have time for my friends. i mean there are friends who understand how busy i am and can tolerate it (i can't thank you guys enough for putting up with me). but my personal time for my music, my guitar, my everyotherday jog, my books, all the things i used to enjoy. and there's nothing i can do about it. other than not sleeping at all that is.

i think i am a very dark person, too morbid for my own good.. i visualise death so often its scary. i often see myself bleeding to death, or leaping off my window. and i always wonder how it would be like to witness someone else's death. yep over morbid i know..

tired beyond believe. just so exhausted i don't even feel like blogging. bye!

i know its been quite a long while since i have posted anything. well, just super busy with life recently. and i can't believe this, everbody agrees i am a flirt. ARGH, and i thought i would be the last person on this earth to be branded flirt! *winks*. well enough of that crap. Literature is serious very enlightening, especially if you have a great lit teacher. they really open your eyes to alot of things. bet you never knew that the PROJECT WORK, yes the JC1 student's PROJECT WORK, the results have been doctored by the commitee so that the minister will see and go "wow it works, lets implement it and try something new" apparently, the results and feedback by the teacher were negative, and you know singapore's education committee, being who they are, are so shocked that they sent back the results and insist the teachers adjust the scores! now we know why we never ever get our suggestions heard.

anybody reads TIME? the april 15 issue? please go read it if u can get your hand on it. there's this article called School Daze (the cover story) that touches on the failure on East Asia schools (note. singapore is in East Asia, cos we are in South East Asia). but the most important point is that Singapore's education system has been (surprise, surprise) selectively left out. well probably because TIME has learnt their lesson from Far Eastern Economic Review. (does anyone here know anything about that??)

yep yep before i get put in jail (haha, just kidding - oh i need to place this to make it a joke so i won't get ermm ermm) i better go take dinner!!! YAY great food today. and yep i am on an escape to find a particular person whom i've met recently... okie alanna i should wait...tatata

sigh. double sigh. stres is almost always building up. today i got a dressing down from one of my subject tutor. its not that i am purposely slacking away, i sincerely have no time for any thing, which is why (if you noticed i have not been posting much). but in all honesty, i could have made a bit more use of my time. although i feel that the time was well spent, cos it was my time. i used to make myself happy (don't think sick), what i meant was that i played my guitar and relaxed, went jogging and such.

i suppose all of you should know by now that i am still emotionally unstable, and it is not getting any better. just broke down again yesterday. guess it all build ups. its not that i have no one to talk to, i do. but sometimes i don't want to bother other people. if nobody asked me if i'm ok, i guess i just have to be ok then. and then there are those who ask me, but i can't tell them that "oh this guy that i fancy and all my other g** friends...." right? so i suppose well, i'll talk when i need to.

i got hitched by 3 people. and one of them is super cute. really super cute. my sister used to fawn over him (hahaha) anyway, i am that interested in that guy. but the trouble is there is this super nice guy, who is so sweet, i can just die of diabetes. he likes me so much and he is really willing to do everything, and so now i am stuck right in the middle. how do i even begin to put it into words. and not it is not as simple as all of you think it is. work is also piling up too. it's almost as high as the mountain now. and i am seriously running out of time for a lot of things. its like i am caught right in the middle of a crazy rat race now. what if i get left behind? nonono

i still love you dammit and you know i'll wait. alanna: i know how you feel, why the hell are you still so infatuated? or hopelessly loving that guy. well well guess who's in almost the same boat. well not entirely but almost.

Go read PECULIAR CHRIS. its an old book but a great book nonetheless. its by johann s lee. no pretense to be made here, but its a book about homosexual love. "a simple love story about complex feelings". Please do give it go and don't dismiss is as some trashy cheesy love book, because its not. its not some deep book about some philosophical things either. a plain book about love. touching, seriously touching and believe me when i say more that half the book is true.

shall continue to bury my head in my books now. byebye

ok this is the first post, yes my virgin post on transient-pain! it feels quite good though. i own my own server. everything here belongs to alanna and me. well, i've got quite a lot of things to settle, so will be updating you guys about my life in a short while. so all those people who have me on their links, its about time to change..!! ok gotta go now.