actually i wanted to post all the messages up and return his words back to him, but then i decided not to. i decided that nahz, it would be too childish and that it would just be me but not in my most sanest of moods. then i deleted all the messages. it was quite hard though, honestly. but well, nobody really cared anyway, so off it went. then it just kinda struck me and made me realise with so much disgust that i don't even want to believe it. that i don't even want to acknowledge, but i have to. nobody asked for justification so don't.

and well, i called alvin t today. he's with his girlfriend. ahh, its kinda nice but i am soo jealous. i do miss him so much. am i insane? he asked me to go to his commissioning parade. but i have this overwhelming feeling that his well girlfriend might be going. argh.

and i haven't slept for the past 2 weeks. i am so so so tired now. i don't even know why i am still here typingg this. oh yar i am waiting for supper. think i am too tired to wait liao. good nite guys have a great year ahead.

i have only 2 wishes, one of which is world peace, and the other is to make myself happy like i am now, no worries and at peace with myself!

wow. i just found out the most interesting from one my friend just now. i won't say too much. one full circle. my god, i am not feeling in the bestest of moods. now. hahaha, look again, in the end, i'm still the fool. **** you to all of you out there. can't anyone of you just be serious. if i am cute and you really wanna play with my feelings, you are all welcome. use and throw. this is soo disgusting. its getting so repetative even i am sick of it. i'm up for sale, is there anyone willing to take me? fuck i am incoherent again. argh.......

and yes i am here finally! its been quite awhile. just really busy with my project work and all. i don't even have time to breathe (ok maybe that was a bit over doing it) but really i haven't slept much for the past 3 days. i retire to bed at past midnight, and the next day i wake up at quarter past 5 for a new day. sickening. i need to rest. sigh sigh sigh...

but well, i am so impressed by my ibook. its sooo cute! and there's so many things mac can do. its really impresseive, i'm a total convert. and yes i am typing this now on my ibook. hahah. i am going to revamp this page soon, so keep an eye out for it. by next weekend or the weekend after, it should be done. hrmm alanna should i do avril? ahaha, nahz think i would try something different.

my end of course function is coming up and it is going to be so boring. sigh i am trying my best to organise something fun. but i can't overwrite my ic. its not just me, all of us (yes its only me usually but this time its different) i'm going with my 1st 3 month jc classmate, quite close to me and she's hot and attached (haha thank god its me right?)

till now i still don't know why i miss him so much. i was just standing at the the mrt station yesterday, waiting for colin to appear, then my discman was playing breathe by michelle branch. this strong sense of longing just surge past me. it was really overwhelming. you know when i found out that he was attached again (back with his ex girlfriend - yes GIRL) i was shattered. sigh sigh sigh. am i whining too much?

oh sigh oh sigh oh sigh. people, make a guess where i am now? nope i am not at home. nope i am not at my friends place, and nope i am most definitely not at any cybercafe. i'm stuck in camp. yes in camp on a xmas day. how sad right? long story. lets just say that my friend kena extra duties and i'm covering for him. i've been here since 7 in the morning. sigh. the only good thing, i'm booking out on saturday. and there's nothing on tomorrow.

this christmas was also quite a contemplative one for me. thoughts about life, relationships and friendships are stuck in my head. after a short 3 years, i realised that i have grown alot and how i view such notions have matured. really thankful to alanna, mark, darrell, rudy, colin for always always being there. through all my ups and my downs. we may have our quarrels but we always do clear up the air and emerge closer than ever. lunz for sharing a good part of my j2 life with on weekends esp, thanks - i only realised how impt weekends are when i enlisted. huiyi, who is always so concerned and msges me to check on me whenever she notices something might be wrong, and having our food binging sessions ever so often.alvin t, yes that guy, i miss him. fallapart, thx for everything. terry, mel, jason, clay, thx for loving me. and finally my family, nobody in this world loves me more than my family and i love them ever so much, for taking care of me for the past 19 years. and to all those whom i missed out well, i am not that free in camp! but still thanks everybody. for loving me for who i am, regardless of well, which side on the fence i sit on or how blonde i can be. heheh

its just like killing a quail. you say nice things to it, you stroke it really gently cooing it to sleep, trying to relax it. and then you have to it. you just had to kill it, by ripping off the head. and the blood, the warm blood, the red blood, that thick and carnal scent slowly slowly drips down. after you remove the feather, you ripped the breast bone up to remove the innards. and that heart is still beating. beating for all it was worth, as if it was its last attempt to get back to live, what last attempt? isn't it dead? and you placed your hands in there, and that heart was beating, you crushed it. the heart died, the heart stopped beating.

and in all fantastic fashion, you left that helpless thing to die. and the heart's frozen. the heart's gone. and it doesn't even know why, or what happened. and isn't it always the case. nice words are bull shit. nobody meant it in the first place. when you make a promise, you always meant to break it. there's not a single person out there who would live up to his words. so why listen? why do you accept someone else's promise. why are you so dumb. don't you ever learn. from so many times. they will paint you such a lovely picture. even before they can know you. they would say they can bring the moon for you. and you believed? don't you know that behind those words are evil intention my dearest quail. such evil intention, such deadly intention. your heart will be ripped and you will bleed to death.

and sitting there in that waterfall, basking in the waterfall, he walks over "i promise to take care of you, and never hurt you" and he strokes you gently.

run, run, run.

"go away, go away don't kill me" you kneel down to plead.

*crack* *phalt*

dead liveless heartless devoid

and i am finally back from overseas! the training was well tough. its bearable for most people but a few of my friends collapsed. one had a very bad cut. but overall it was an amazing experience. being thrown in the jungle for 5 days and told to survive with absolutely nothing at all is really quite tough. and this training really makes me appreciate the really simple things in life that we always take for granted. my blanket, food. and we also realised that a man's need is not sex but food. we were really starving. and to make things worse, we could only talk about food the whole day, not that we were suppose to meet up with one another to talk. haha. and in the night, it keeps raining, and it is so cold, we were all shivering like chicken on the chopping board.

speaking of which. i killed a quail. it was not the nicest thing i have done in my life and i most sincerely hope that i do not ever do such stuff again. it was really er gross. the blood kinda spilled onto my pants. argh. not too much details here, just that we had to remove the head in one smooth motion, so that the quail doesn't suffer. then i had to skin it and remove the innards. but the heart was still beating when i looked into the organs. eeeeeks. then there was a demostration on killing a rabbit. gross!!!!

but i'm back now, in civilisation, ever more appreciative of singapore and all the things we have here. having great food the whole day liaoz. and i'm going out with daddy soon! update more guys!

and this is the last post you would see from me for quite long while 10 days to be exact. i would be back on friday morning, so anybody wanna date me on friday evening? drop me a msg. you would know my number. for those who don't slowly find out. i can't really bring my phone to camp therre, but maybe being the perks of the ic of the wing, i should be able to.

went out for this function just now, and now i am at home waiting to go back to camp. don't think will be sleeping tonight. gottta brief the wing, do some final packing, make sure everything that needs to be flown over to brunei will be flown over. but it should be ok. the only thing i am worried about is the killing of the poor little quail. sigh sigh.

ohohoh, a friend of mine questioned whether i was really active and top. ok, for those who think there's too much detail, you can skip this portion. he was just commenting that the way i behave and the way i talk and the words i say are just so inherently passive. like how i like britney spears. and its not just him, there's this friend from camp who commented that i am teeny bopper or whatever he was trying to say. and the said friend asked "how isit even possible people think you are active from that conversation" - in response to a phone call from one of my straight friend. i mean i know i have become more passive ever since alvin came into my life, and i have never denied nor admit anything, but isit that bad? i mean not that i drag or anything. but not convincing as an active mehz? sigh sigh sigh. must change.

nothing left to say. just that i am kinda tired, yes as always, and i miss clubbing. and somehow i feel objectified again.

oh dear alanna. not its nothing like that. its not that i'm not telling siming. of course he's in it, like we could do with anybody else. just that i'm stuck in camp, and i don't have alot of free time, so i told you and i thought you would tell him. oops, miscommunications. siming not really doing much is the ns bit, police mahz, not doin much in police. ohno. i just re-read it and realised it could be taken in the wrong light. argh....'

on a heavier note, yesterday i had a very quiet dinner. too silent for my liking. something is wrong. and we are taking a breather. he needs to think things through. oh well, shrugs. don't want to talk too much about me. i'm fine, really.

and i am leaving for the jungle on wednesday. i'm looking forward to it actually. building a lovely shelter and fireplace and just chilling out. i think alot of it is the mentality. and knowing how smiley i always am, i hope it would be a fun filled time. i know its going to be tough, but who says tough can't be fun. oh yar my ippt. i missed my gold by a few seconds. gold timing is 9:44 and below, i ran 9:50 argh!!!!!!!!!!

i need a hug

haha, just realised alanna is indeed reading me blog. hey, how do you tolerate the britney spears pictures? should i do a new layout for ms avril lavigne. i promise to make it nice? hahahaha. next year, i would be done with army, as in i would have finish my course and i would be able to stay out, so not much problem on that. and also jeremiah is the only one in the army by then, siming is not really doing much. hahah, i would call you soon over the weekend or if i have time over the weekend. so how's everything?

so happy that i am actually able to use the net. i'm in the mess now, its not always that we have the chance to come to the mess to use the interne.t its really cool, all the pc that we have here. they are like really fast and really cvool, with all the flat screen monitor and all. actually, we are having this workshop at the mess also, so yar can get a chance to use.

going to brunei next wednesday for 10 days, can't bring the hp also, seems that the camp over there don't really like pple to bring hp over. going for a navigation ex tmr, then this weekend should be able to book out early. one more exams and things are done..

mark, why haven't you updated your website yet. how's things in cambridge??? and stop posting so much recipe (did i spell it correctly??) sorry you know i don't really cook much. the last time i cook, the scene was like out of world war 3. hahah.. busy busy busy. lotsa things to study, 2 exams this week and gotta prepare to go overseas next week. want to spend more time at home. and don, how could you say that about me? wah lou, expose me to everybody. ahahaha, shall reject your testimonial.... nahz i'm a nice guy. realise that my language is really going down the drain and that i can't really type very well now, too long never type anything liaoz. ok, i think i going upstairs to the mess and take a nap. take care guys, i would post again if i have time.

ciaoz