again taking something great from my coach...

praveen: i didn't know pinochet was a capitalist. murderer and capitalist... don't seem to go together.

paul: uh, lee kuan yew?

hrm, i am home today. there was nights off. but my stupid CO suddenly decided that she wanted to run. so she assembled all of us at the stadium at 4:30 but she didn't arrive till 5 plus. by the time we finished running it was almost 6. so you can imagined how late we all got home. this is so disgusting. there's so many days in a week. she must choose the day when we have nights off. furthermore she was in this PMS mood the whole day (actually after some discussion we've decided it must have been menopause but anyway). all the instructors and i am not joking when i said all the instructors are quite put off by her. ARGH

having extra duties to serve but i am trying to plan the weekdays one properly so i can coincide with his off days. ahhh i so want to show you guys how he looks like but he doesn't allow me to. for good reasons of course. so those who need to know will know. they who don't too bad =p he's mine. haha sorry sorry joking joking. take it in good humour k.

nothing much to update other than i am dying to go for a trip with him. and it seems that there are even more schedule clashes coming up. too bad for me i suppose... sighz

just taken off my coach's page, i'm sure he won't mind

i do believe there is something magical about commiting yourself to some-one, something special about saying 'i will always be there for you', something exciting about booking a wedding space and inviting friends over - whether the ceremony is grand or not, something heartwrenching about looking into someone's eyes and seeing what happiness is all about, something great about that explosion of physical, spiritual, mental chemistry,... and of course there are people who write about this more eloquently than i can. and yeah, i know some smart-ass will say you can have all of that without a marriage, and that's your choice; for me, marriage is both a personal and social affirmation - the sum of all things - and whether symbolic or real, fantasy or illusion, and it would mean everything.

this is so interesting. we were just asked to do this excel program (don't ask too much) and my group actually found the way to do it. and at this point of time, the other groups are still cracking their head about it. and yours truly was the guy to crack that final nut. not just me alone, but i did the last bit. and here we are so free and enjoying ourselves in the internet lounge while the rest are busy coming up with solutions. and the other groups have graduates and people who are good in excel. my group has normal people who don't really know how to use excel (so we just click the help button). haha i am so happy yes yes.

did i mention i would have to wait till next wednesday before i can see him? ok i think i did. never mind. he's having this standby thing. hoping to take a trip with him when all this crap is all over. maybe somewhere in may. ah, just waiting for that day to come, where i can wake up in him arms, just beside the sea in a nice cosy bed (altogether now, awwwww).

random question : am i irritating??? (bleahz)

for you:

"I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more" - i could not ask for more, edwin mccain

goodness gracious me. threesome is lousiest play i have ever watched in my entire life. the scripting is so terrible, even a secondary school student could have better. its lame, cliched and contrived and absolutely predictable. the potentially intellectual discussion of sexuality were just brushed across. the directing was CRAP. just compare to hwachong's Huang Cheng Ye Yun, threesome pales in comparison. really really pales. i can't believe i ever wasted money on that show. it had the potential to be decent. but it was CRAP, just absolutely disgusting.

after that, went to meet him. had dinner and walked around. and - to quote mark - "just hang". there wasn't much time anyway. so it was just shopping, i shop he pay (no lahz, he's not that rich). he shops, i pay (nope i ain't rich) haha. so i bought a shirt and 2 tees. got some snacks for him to bring back to camp. and stuff something into his wallet hehe =) and he sent me home. no chance to steal a kiss because there were just so many people around.

and i have to wait till next wednesday before i can see him. seriously i wonder how i can survive when i am in australia. its going to be tormentous. i have quite a good mind to not make it and fly back quick and spend time with him. but nahz i ain't that silly.

ohohoh just heard from my officer who's tryin to do his SAT, "now i know why they are called analogies, ANAL ORGIES" hahaha

"i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill
through the solar field
you know that i will follow you" - 1000 oceans, tori amos

going out to watch a play called threesome with 2 other guys. oooh how suggestive. hahha don't let your mind run to wild. my heart is all his ok! hrmm, there was this guy who i went clubbing with. called me the next day and cried. told me that he liked me alot. and i was quite indifferent. i told him that if i could dump my boy for him now, i could the same to him next time. and guess what, that made things worse. it made him like me even more. i think i should go clubbing less for a start.

he was at live firing last night, and he ended so late. meeting him after the play. and i'll update more when i come home yar? now gotta go remove the mask (yes i am gay remember?) and go out liaoz. tata!!!

feeling too much emotions right now, its probably not appropiate for me to type it down here. somethings happened today and yar. i am like that now. sorry there isn't much to update. i would try.

you and me:

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE

4's are sensible and traditional. They like
order and routine. They only act when they
fully understand what they are expected to do.
They like getting their hands dirty and working
hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and
feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared
to wait and can be stubborn and persistent.
They should learn to be more flexible and to be
nice to themselves.

Famous 4's Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan,
Oprah Winfrey

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity,
risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in
hot water. They need diversity, and don't like
to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their
school and they see a learning possibility in
every situation. The questions never stop.They
are well advised to look before they take action
and make sure they have all the facts before
jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte,
Jessica Walter,Vincent VanGogh, Bette Midler,
Helen Keller and Mark Hamil.

"maybe i ain't used to maybes
smashing in a cold room
cutting my hands up
every time i touch you
maybe maybe it's time
to wave .................................." - tear in your eye, tori amos

i can feel it coming. can you feel it too? this strong overwhelming feeling. that foreboding feeling? can anybody feel that air blowing just above us???

i feel it so strongly.

glenn medeiros - nothing's gonna change my love for you

paranoia, is that the word? its this sickening feeling that i am trying to chase away. and i personally feel that it is downright insulting for anybody to judge me and say they know me and they know next to nothing about me. does anyone sincerely believe that everybody is who they seem to be? and when people behave in certain ways, do you really just take things as it seems. it is definitely easy, a girl that sleeps around must be a slut; gays are deprived of childhood paternal love, hollow love life that just revolves around sex; teenage delinquents come from either broken families of the lower income group or families with both parents working so they lack parental love. CRAP understand (sheesh i sound almost military). point is if you don't have anything better to say don't. don't try to talk to me like you know me and go, this isn't how you should be, or try to sell me your fancy ideas. why don't you listen to me, and screw off.

there are many reasons which unless you know me personally very well or have been keeping with my previous blog since eons ago, that you would not know and i most definitely would not tell you about. things that i don't even tell some of my closest friends about. things that are better left unsaid, but still nonetheless affect a person as much. and if you don't know that and try to act almighty and try to think i am who you think i am. then good for you.

ranting on again yes yes yes. but i am on a emotional yoyo for no very good reason. i can't convince myself that i shouldn't be feeling this way. but i can't convince myself that i should be. i just happen to. and it is scary. scary because it almost seems that i am slowly but conciously trying to control, unsuccessful, my emotions (did that sentence sound awkward, cos i didn't want to type losing control of myself, a bit too strong). its just turmoiling emotions that i need to handle, with a little help maybe, but i must start to handle it. its just that after such a eventful a year, this guy needs to start to piece things back slowly. won't you stand by me and help me do it?

"she's addicted to nicotine patches, she's afraid of the light in the dark" - spark, tori amos

went out yesterday night for supper and it was quite an eventful night i must say. bigboss wanted to go out so we all followed suit. and i am booking out again tmr! YAY! met up with alex and stan for supper at geylang. there was this supposedly good 'taohuay' but it wasn't all that good. i still think that the 'taohuay' at rochor canal is a lot better. really. anyway i was just a little childish yesterday and something slightly unpleasant happened. i am not going to elaborate on it. but yar, i am just so glad that he is understanding enough. PHEW.

nothing much to update for now. but i would update mroe tmr night abt the clubbing things. hrmm lotsa things to say. sad sad sad.

miss you loads!!!!1

its a sunday and i'm waking up alone. yesyes, he's at camp serving out the last of his duty. there was some changes actually. he was supposed to be deployed to tekong to catch those robbers, but yeah thank god they were all caught. that stupid boy actually said "don't worry, won't die so easily, will come back see you one". can't believed he said something as well i can't find the word (silly?) as that.

lets see, went clubbing last night, frankie wasn't feeling great, so we went clubbing with a group of friends. was suppose to celebrate mel's bday with him yesterday (you know my ex??). but my goodness i don't know why he still behaves like i should give way and give in to him. please, you are my EX not my STEAD. throwing his tantrum around like he's the princess (quite like last time actually but i am not giving 2 hoots about him) the moment he met me, he started on this rant on why i didn't make it last weekend, and how i didn't apologised and he said it like "i can't forgive what you have done to me". WOW, i so owe it to him. but of course i know why he's behaving like that.

listening to fish leong and i just have to say that her album is really good. i have been listening to that cd for so long and i haven't gotten sick of it yet. wow. and yes i've found another 2 maccy in my junior courses. convinced another guy to get a ibook. another friend is getting the powerbook (he wanted it in the first place) and my sir too. watch out world! the mac's too good to be true.

back on a thursday because he's only free today. but glad i did because he'll be busy the entire weekend. means i would be all alone. haha but its ok. talked to him quite a bit and well its great. watched the eye 2, lets just say that i am very scared. yes really. not going to update much. tired. so update over the weekends yar. take care guys. missing everybody out there!!! i'm serious

"american christian fundamentalist used to rant agains jews and roman catholics until that became politically impossible. now they warn of the takeover of the country by abortionist, gays and secular humanist. and even that tactic is wearing thin, so the latest round of fund raising letters have a new enemy - muslim" - fareed zakaria, correspondent, newsweek (march 15, 2004)

i am fucking pissed again. i hate the absolute fact they when we say the pledge "democratic society" we mean ask the opinion of everybody else and fuck care what everybody thinks and we'll do what we please because we are NOT voted by the people to represent the people. fucked up fucked up. look at this month's RALPH magazine please. nownownow, look at how much FRONTAL nudity of the female's are there. look at all the CLIT THE FUCKING VAGINA AND NIPPLES AND LABIA (ok so maybe there wasn't the labia) but still. all this is singapore magazine and we made such a woohaa over nipplegate? and then my manazine issues which doesn't show anything much. just a whole bunch of topless guys that would drive the ladies and me wild.

point is why complain abt manazine when every other magazine is showing too much flesh, promoting lesbianism (ala madonna britney) promoting sexism when our own *uc***g Minis**r of Pa***me*t outrightly says that women are victims and they need to be protected from males because males are the agressors or whatever. promoting racial discrimination (need i say more about that, i am very very very very sure all of us in the service knows about somethings which is very very very inconvenient for me to say here) i am angry. i am pissed because they always say "our society is not ready" how the fuck do they know we are not ready if they never let us discuss it. it is because they know we are ready which is why they don't want to let us discuss. because we would win hands down. because we can think. my friends can think. being gay doesn't make me any less than all u guys sitting out there on the cupboard (aka cabin*t)

we are killing ourselves. brain draining. let me post up professor englebert artcle when i launch my new layout next weekend, and go read.

maybe i need some good sex

today's marks our 1st month of being attached. and it is today that i realise that its possible for me to be stable again and to feel so much for someone. though i am still quite insecure now and then, but yeah with time, i am very sure i will get out of it. he was kinda caught in a jam and he couldn't ans my call because he was driving (ok yes there was a jam, tp?? traffic police yar) so i was quite worried. i was worried that something might have happened to him. and that we didn't have much time together this weekend, as with most weekends. then i realise that i wanted to see him so much. and right now as i am typing this, i can't even begin to describe how much i miss that boy (yes yes mushy bits). its like, one entire week of being apart, i can only see him for that few hours. it is so torturous. well well tough but i must survive.

it was a fantastic first month. i'm so thankful that he came along and lifted me up. haha. u noe he's not a very romantic guy, but in that "unromanticness" is someone that is so sweet because of all the silly actions and everything, ahhhh *melts* did i ever tell u guys how did he ask me? u noe most people would ask in the most direct of manner. he.. well he... (okok wait i get his permission first then i'll type in the next morning ok?)

he's in camp now, next weekend. can't see him for the entire weekend after that. and the following weekend he'll be busy too. sigh oh sigh.... dear i love you

suppose to meet him today. but he was kinda tired, so didn't meet him. that poor boy was too tired to even talked on the phone. haha. wonders what other more possessive (did i spell that correctly - its late i can't think) people would have done. tired going to sleep. missing him so much. dear i really want to see u so badly. sigh

hrmm ok i feel better now. much better actually. he called and said some nice things and brightened up my day. he's just so nice you know. but actually i was kinda angry at him last night. haha i am not going to say why. but yar, it was mostly my issues. but i got over it and yes. me boo boo. anyway i've got extra duties, don't ask.

i hate people who owe money. i feel that it is basic courtesy for people to return the money they owe as soon as they can. i've lent 2 person some money. one of them owes me quite awhile, but that i can understand because he was really in financial difficulties and he needed time. he paid back half. so there's only a small sum left. but this other guy borrowed for nealy 3 months and its not like he's making any effort to pay back. instead of trying to save up to return it back, he spends it on unnecessary stuff. its not that i am money minded or what. its the basic principle and basic courtesy!!!!!!!!

sucks. i feel sick and lousy and terrible and crappy and whatsoever and yucky and moody and pmsy and not in the best of mood and insecure and upset and all those not nice words that a person can absolutely think of right now. yes i am feeling just not at the top of the world. not necessarily at the bottom of the world but i am rambling, crap. fuck me.

was suppose to meet him right? but well he overslept. and he had to go meet his secondary school mates. sigh can't see him. am i whining a bit too much? haha live with it people. can't blame him really, he had overnight duty at the airport, and some things happened, much like some holland kampong (translate it yourself) incident but i can't speak much less i want a warning letter from them.

but anyway i am surprise to read that joe satriani chose the darkness - i believe in a thing called love to listen to in his playlist. "don't the guitars in this song rock like you used to remember???" hahah listen to it. great song.

booking into camp soon. gotta study for testg too. bye people!!! take care

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hello folks. i went clubbing last night. ohmygod. its so fun. its been more than half a year since i last went clubbing. WOW, WOW and WOW. i clubbed and danced so much (well i only drank a bit, i don't need to drink to get myself high ahaha) and my hair just went to the floor (okokok lame). and so many things happened. haven't tell dear yet, but i would tell him when i call him later (just in case he gets jealous, hahaha). well he's still sleeping (duty again). but hey its not the case of the mouse coming out to play when the cats away ok....

anyway the boss of waterbar (this ex channel 8 actor) was there, and was just standing around. so i was there drinking and he walked past me and looked at me and smiled. so i smiled back (polite see) and he acknowledged it and pat my shoulder. swoooons. feels good to be looked at. hahaha. but i go clubbing for the innocent purpose of clubbing (really). and i bumped into alvin when i was club hopping. small world it seems.

reached home around 4, bathed and slept till just now. hrmm gotta study for test now. well i would try to at least!!!!

right, just sent my friend off to the airport, he's gone, for 2 whole years. it wasn't that much drama as mark's send off though. there were significantly less hugs and less tears. guess it was all held back. his stead was on the brink of tears, so was the family. but tears only started flowing after he walked into the gate. i suppose he didn't want to break down in front of us *trying to remember if mark cried* but anyway he was quite stoned; as in he was shaking hands. even with his boyfriend. then the sweetest thing happend, terrence (the boyfriend) pulled him close and hugged hiim (come all together now, awwwww) then we all followed suit *remembers hugging best buddy when he was going to cambridge*. and off he went, without looking back. thinking about it, i think i would be crying buckets of tears

i would be leaving in about half a years time, and i really wonder what would happen and how i would react, especially since i am now in a relationship, sigh sigh. this trip might be the beginning of something really really long. first to auz for 10 months, then possibly back to singapore for 2 months before flying off to france for a year. then if luck isn't on my side, i would be off to the states for 2 years. WOW. now that's a whole 4 years away. anybody going to be sending me off?? hahah

yes yes yes i am not going to be seeing him again because (surprise surprise) he's got duty again. well gotten used to it. spent a night over at his place actually, and woke up late and rushed and took a cab and. i suppose one can't complain about such things because i remember when i was staying in and my ex wasn't and he kicked up such a big fuss over everything. they just don't understand. it takes a lot of talking and love to get things lasting i feel. well though people say that NS is the grave of all relationships (gay or not) i am determined to prove it wrong. hahah just watch out world. though auz may be a big challenge, i am game for it.

hey guys, thanks for all the response over the email. i appreciate it lots. i am quite surprised that there are so many of you guys out there reading, 200+ hits a day. THANKS, you guys rock. anyway i just got back from camp (speaking of which there's something which i would share in awhile) and now relaxing after a long long day of lectures and prepping for my briefs. i would be meeting dear later and staying over (now now wipe that dirty thought off you head). tomorrow, a friend would be flying off to the states for 2 years, such a long time right (wonders what it would be like when i depart); so i would be sending him off in the wee hours of the morning. but yep will update again on that.

what i was going to say was that there's this guy who actually asked me to write a monthly or forthnightly column for this website. shan't say too much now till its more finalised. wow. i am quite honoured actually. haha. *humming away leann rimes - we can, thinking of the first entry already* hahahaha

booked out last night for a 'nights out' because today (wednesday) i am on duty. well you see, my buddy wanted to see his girlfriend and she's only free today, so i am sorta covering for him. and then well it is also good because dear is free yesterday night. so we met up at jp for some grocery shopping and ate a bit at mos buger. i seriously think i am eating too much; but the good news in all these is that i've gained weight. YES i am so happy. my weight is going up. lovely. now 5 more kg to go. and gym works. *hums i'm a believer....*

so yeah i am stuck in camp. well not really stuck lahz, can use the net and do some reading and play the guitar and talk cock over the phone. not that bad ain't it. hahah. i love my camp really. and waves to all the people reading this but i don't know that you are and i don't know who are you. but still i don't think i would be putting up a tag board or anything. my coach just got his tagboard flooded (well not really flooded but you know) with ridiculous people posting stupid stuff. but do email me if you have anything to say. nice prefably.

weekend's going to be spent constructively, i hope. booking out on friday (i'm on a long weekend). then going to dear's place to stay over. then sat morning will be sending darren off to the states. then later maybe meeting up with dear again. then there's jamming. then i may meet up with alvin to take back some photos. then (ok i shall stop using then, trying to sound like a kid). sunday would be spent resting and driving. anybody wanna date me?? hahahha

i caught marriage of inconvenience (is that how its spelled? i can't remember) over the weekend. it was not a fantastic play, but it wasn't shabby by any means. not going to say too much about it, but it was not as good as asian boys vol 2 (no really, i'm not speaking from a shallow POV - though it must be said again that the leads are gorgeos okokok) then i laid my hands on singapore's 1st and only unabashedly gay magazine. drools. its almost like the auz ones, except no privates are shown. but hey when the models are totally naked with ice cream on the abs, i am not minding it a single bit. muahaha (ooops)

then yeah he had duty and he came over, rather late into the night, to see me. that poor boy, he looked like a walking zombie. but it was really nice of him to come over for a short while. talked to him for a little while. somehow my insecurites are acting up again. and i just feel so lost sometimes. so yesterday i asked him (for you to find out, me to know) something which i knew the answer to but i just needed to affirmation. he told me "jus wanna let you noe i really love u alot alot and wun give up so easily. must believe me dear, i am really happy that i have you to share my life with." swoons. yes he's so sweet. i miss him so much already.

in camp again. yes. and he's got duty over the weekend again. sigh sigh sigh....