this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain. he only knows one way out of it. but he doesn't want to do it anymore. because it will hurt everybody around him. it'll make everybody upset. so this angry boy sits and fidgets and slowly starts tearing. this boy's lost. he's so undeserving. why get upset for him? he doesn't even know what's he's doing anymore, just that he knows there are some things that has to be done. its so easy to put the blame from him, and so easy to take the blame away. but don't. he's at fault. yes this angry boy's at fault. so step forward now and slap him. there are many things he can't really say, in fact there are many things he can't say because some time back, someone sewed his mouth with Empty Promises. and now this boy's trying to make sense of the world and what exactly he is doing. but please don't feel anything for this boy, because he's Undeserving. this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain.

mygod, i am feeling so tired. my whole body is aching. this is unbecoming of a teenager like me. its all because of all the 'sai-kang' i have to do, and i took ippt yesterday. don't ask, i just lost $100 because i was a nice guy and i was trying to help my friend pass it. and then i had to much things to carry around so tired.

voices in my head again. and i don't wanna hear it. it would be so much easier to shut them up and say nothing and just do things nice and slow. but it just doesn't happen. i am never much of a guy to plan. in fact other than setting a general goal for myself say 5 years down the road. then that's it not much specific goals. i prefer to take life a step at a time and enjoy what i can. honestly. this is not to say i am a very unorganised person. recently i have taken a few steps to make my room neater and organise my time properly. but it doesn't change me, i'm still me!

love is so messy and complicated. sigh. if only pple don't think so much and just take things as they come. but i guess that's what makes it love in the first place.

i have some stupid dinner tonight. so will be endin late, AGAIN. so much things to lug home......

what a day what a day. finally got my mess straightened out, now its my hair left.... ok i'll stop it. things are getting better, and clearer. cleared the air with alvin. i'm so glad i did. i was feeling so lousy. and it was such a dramatic day. but i'm not gonna comment much on my side of things. just that it was nice. and i had dinner at werner's where they really have such delicious cheesecake. so delicious alvin almost had an orgasm on it. i am serious! he really did almost have one.

the poor boy colin (hey pull yourself together, cheer up and save your comp at all cost!) well we have to be practical here. give him a date. tell him gently that you'll be off by then, but you'll be hanging around to help him soften the impact, and that he might have another chance if he lets you go, after you cool down maybe (yes its good to lie once awhile esp if its a white lie). in the meantime, just you know be nice. we'll always be here.

and i did the most terrible thing today, though i'm not going to say it. the powerbook is out! the new 15inch powerbook. i'm so in love with it. i'll post the pics tmr. i'm so going to add it to my wishlist. ahhh. and hello kor, so glad things are ok now. work hard at it and don't disappoint him! signing off, ippt tomorrow

come on baby, its your first few steps you can do it.
slowly now, yes left then right. slowly forward.
sweet little thing, yes thats right that's

so fucking wrong you little bastard,why did you have to come to this world.
i'll strangle you to death. i hate you. i hate you, oh and are you trying to take your first step?
you think you can do it, you tiny little bitch. who's son are you anyway. i'll

love you like you're my most precious thing. because you are. why did you fall?
oh look you are bruising now. looks bad, goodness it doesn't look like fall, did someone

go to hell. is 2 kicks enough? how bout another punch? ow, poor little baby's crying. so sad, i am so hurt you know. and what are you crying about? you think you are having a hard time, do you wanna try to be mummy?

oh my darling, why are you crying so bad. don't cry now, mummy's crying too. don't cry, i said don't cry. shut up, shut up. SHUT UP, don't scream, stop shouting, stop crying. stop yelling stop stop stop stop stop stop stopped.

its like threading carefully through a spiderweb. slowly but surely you make your way through, always believing that you won't get caught, just because. but then you started to run. and you trip. and you struggle. only to find yourself more entwined in the web. and the more you struggle, the more trapped you become. and eventually you can only lie there, caccooned. and she slowly makes her way over, eyeing you with every intention. slowly sinking her fangs into your neck. the world fades and.
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messy messy. its messier than my hair. goodness and is that even possible, i mean my hair (ok sorry being so blonde) right. i suppose its just me and my issues (do i sound like a girl yet?). i'm a guy with many hang-ups and issues. and it has surfaced again. but well i don't even know how to put it down nicely without sounding like an absolute bitch (like since when am i not one). is the paranthesis thingy getting irritating? crap i am rambling.

on another note. colin is over here now. facing many problems in his life, and i'm gonna be helping him out. that poor boy. he's gotta learn how to stand up for himself. and learn to be independent and how to face the world alone. got my tarot cards yesterday, and i'm gonna embark on a journey for more self discovery. went to new age circle with clayton cos he's kinda into such things too and that well that. meeting al later too for moving of stuff. sigh sigh sigh. i need a hair straightener!! to sort out the mess in my hair and my life. sigh!

i have no idea how this say this or wot to say even. just that the words didn't come out the way it was supposes to. i am sorry i really am. i don't know what to do but just be here. please tell me if anything is wrong please.

i've so much to say to you. yet i can't find a single word to express it. in my head, i hear your voice, and i end up talking to you for hours, yet when i dial your number, and you eventually pick up, i can only whimper away, not knowing what to say, other than "how are you" and every single phrase that i rehearse in my head, every single word that i want to tell you, just gets lost. i long for you and crave for the day when i can actually see your face again. but i don't want to see you. i don't want to go near you because i know you'll hurt me, you'll kill my soul. and i would bleed, i would lie on the floor in my pool of blood, crying helplessly, screaming out in silent. because you can't hear me, because you can't care, because you couldn't care. the scars that you left in my heart, on my hands can never go away. never fade. you went away. and as you went away, you left me binded and bound by your empty promises. i'm never the same again.

and as i lie naked and torned, and my heart ripped out in full glory of the world, i can't stop thinking of you. won't you please say something. the silent in deafening. 5 months ago you told me you would try to settle down and you won't break my heart. 5 months later, when i asked you how could u bear to hurt me. SILENT. won't you let me know what is going through your mind? i miss you terribly, so much that i tear in public now and then, but i won't let you see my tears, because you don't care.
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don't ask, if you needed to know i would have told you. and you referring to generic you not any specific you. i need to breathe.

ok ok here are the photos of my bottle!








yes that's my bottle! isn't it absolutely cute. i think its cuter than me. haha. and that's the sign we bought for alvin's car. well if you can't really see it clearly, it says horn not working, watch for finger. i think its totally hilarious. yes that's alvin for those who don't already know.

went to work today with my bottle and well i kinda kept gushing over my new bottle to everybody. most of them were quite amused by my behaviour. well it must have been quite a sight to see a guy gush at a water bottle. nothing much at work actually. met an old friend had tea and some sort of a dinner. but the best thing was that i got to sit behind the wheels of her rover 75. WOW.

thinking about alot of things but i am far too tired to put them down into words. and i don't think i can even begin to conceive the words i need to express how i feel. the boiling emotions are far more complicated than a witch's brew.

back online! jus came back home from a little shopping trip with alvin (the other one) - sorry i thought i jus needed to let people know, hope it doesn't come across sounding rude. was doing some shopping for sharon's birthday hehe. that poor girl, hope she is doing alright. i am seriously wondering if there are any people other than 4 people i know who are reading this. watched turn left turn right yesterday even with alvin and company. it was such a great show. its simple, the ending was crappy, but nonetheless it still manages to evoke much emotions. i teared. in fact i've been tearing quite a bit this few days. nothing that drastic, just some lingering emotions. its just so hard to put things down. how do i evene begin? its stinks you know. i feel so lost, so confused, so cheated, so torn. i feel so vulnerable, so naked. sigh.

on the brighter side. i went SHOPPING! er, yes again. i didn't go on a buying spree, but i jus decided to buy a sigg water bottle. oh my god the water bottle is so cute *gushes gushes* will post up the picture later. had quite an embarrasing day today. much about cheesecakes and escalators that went the wrong direction. hahahaha another long and tiring day tomorrow, cos of a course to conduct. i'll go bathe for now and post the photo with a short update later.

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