in less than an hour i will be making my way to the airport, taking a long trip to the land of freedom! to a place where there's a dick and a bush in the government

it will be a long journey. 18 hours flight, 6 hours break, and then a 10 hour train journey. sounds like death huh.

i will be back in 2 weeks time. during this 2 weeks, i hope i can take my mind off stuff, and relax, just like you told me to.

it should be fun.

thanks for your care and your concern, thank you for loving me. i love you too.

i will be thinking of you everyday till i see you there. =)

have i lost you forever already? did i just let you out of my hands more than a month ago? was everything i did too little too late? i tried my best to make it work. but i guess i wasn't good enough.

my days go on. you told me that i must take care of myself. you told me that i must take my mind off stuffs and relax.

how can i not love you? how can i really just walk away from all the memories like this. how can i just look back at all these memories of my life, from NS all the way till now and not hope that one day things will be like before, or better than before. where we spend so much time together.

you may think that we always quarrel. my friends, they squabble every day, but they are still so loving. we don't always quarrel you know. we spend our time at east coast alot. we have our suppers, our walks. you came over to my place and we'll always have coffee. i'll walk over and meet you before your flight if i can to have coffee with you. i would always complain but still i would sit you down and get you your tall latte. or if you are tired, your tall latte with extra short. unsweetened.

the biggest regret in my life, is that if we never ever get back, that its all my fault, that i would have to spend my life, loving you without having you by my side.

how can i not love you.

you who loves hazelnut
you who loves unsweetened latte
you who doesn't really eat brinjal
you and your silly smirk
you and your silly antics
you and your "imagine this" thing
you and your hugs
you who loves adidas
you who i always say i don't know what i love about, but in all honesty, i love everything about you.
you who is irreplaceable in my heart.

jeth, mark, jiahui and i just had supper. we seemed to have found ourself saturday activities of playing card games and mahjong. simple pleasures without spending money. enjoying the company of good friends.

jiahui showed me this website of the gorgeous resort in thailand. and the first thing i thought of was you. and how i would like to go there with you. why do i only do these things now? is it too little too late? if i plan for a trip to maldives or to this gorgeous resort in phuket, would you go with me?

walking them to the carpark, silence. they looked at me and asked if i was tired. but i wasn't tired. they commented that i am damn quiet.

i was quiet because i used to walk you to the carpark at all hours of the night. the road there suddenly seemed so different that you are not beside me, not teasing me about anything. i didn't get into your car and snuggle up to you. i didn't get to kiss and hug you goodbye like we used to.

but i didn't feel upset. i just miss you.

sedate. calm. most of the time. but there were moments of weakness. no i am not depressed anymore. and yes, i am up and running again. i can do all the task i have to do again. but i still miss you. i miss you alot. do you miss me too?

drifting.

i didn't cry today. i won't cry.

so this is it.

i am not going to bring more sadness to people around me. i have brought enough to all my friends and my family. thanks to all of you who have been there for me, through my most horrible moments, and the lowest period of my life. thanks for listening to me, thanks for bearing with me. you guys rock my world.

and to you. i believe you still read this. thanks for all the wonderful memories we had. its something that i will always cherish. thanks for all your cute and wonderful presents. and thanks for loving me so much. all that is left now are the memories, and that is enough for me le.

i found you and then i lost you. i can't love anyone else anymore, because all my love is with you. goodbye my love. hello my friend.

longz. for the last time, i love you and i miss you so. the memories will content me. when i miss you, i just need to close my eyes and i see you all around me. i hug the mogu and the pooh bear and i can feel you. and that is enough already.

maybe the day will come when you will come back to me. maybe the day won't come. whatever it is, i'll be happy and i'll be patiently for you here. and remember our promise, next v-day we'll see if we're suitable again.


孙燕姿 - 隐形人

无论你肯或不肯
我都选择等
等到你结束好久
探险的旅程
要是没有寂寞陪衬
没有途中的灰尘
你怎会向往家门
你越是想要诚恳
其实越残忍
伪装不了你对我
漠视的眼神
你不许我听信永恒
不许我迷信我们
不许我奋不顾身

多想化成隐形的人
掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温
好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
我想化成隐形的人
隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界
留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻

朋友都于心不忍
责备我愚蠢
但他们都回避我
执着的眼神
可知我对爱的虔诚
可知我迷信我们
可知我难得放任

多想化成隐形的人
掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温
好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
我想化成隐形的人
隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界
留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻


光良 - 约定

说好的三年不见面
用我们的爱把时间留住
你笑着说这是我们的考验我们的约定
就这样三年又过了
我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现
空气中吻你的脸
我还记得我们的约定
一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌
他也偷偷的掉泪了
我比以前还更爱你了
连那风都笑我了
我想他会告诉你的我更爱你了
我想他会告诉你的
你会记得我们的约定
听着风我也笑了
他一定会告诉你的我更爱你了


周杰伦 - 枫

乌云在我们心里刻下一块阴影
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看的清
被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过

缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
我点燃烛火温暖岁末的秋天
极光掠过天边
北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶
却换不回熟悉的那张脸
缓缓掉落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边

被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我
我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过
在山腰间飘逸的红雨
随著北风凋零我轻轻摇曳风铃
想唤醒被遗弃的爱情
雪花已铺满了地
深怕窗外枫叶已结成冰

i feel empty. i feel gone. my heart has bled till no more blood runs. its just a strange period of quietness and nothingness. perhaps a realisation of the facts. that i have already lost you?

why don't you just follow your heart. because i heard you calling out to me so loudly. i heard you telling me that you need me to take care of you. i know you love me deeply. but you also keep it so deep down.

2 and a half years. 864 days of love. it wasn't only a relationship, its building a life with you. and now my life has gone. if something like that can disappear, how do i have faith anymore. how can i believe that something i worked so bloody hard for will work out again. i have no wish to love again, other than you.

but move on i will. because i must. because i can't stay in this sorry state forever. i will be by your side, as a guardian angel, as your friend till that day.

the pain of losing your true love is too much to bear sometimes. i lost you.

and it just dawned upon me that today is 1 month since we've broken up. we've been taking a break for 3 weeks before the break up, and all in all, its about 7weeks without you by my side. its been torturous

i don't know why its extremely difficult for me this time. i can't do anything right. i am drifting with the tide of time. hoping that you'll come back.

if you are reading this, give me a call. lets go out and have fun and forget our troubles and let me show you that things can be like before.

because without losing, i wouldn't have learnt how to cherish. because sometimes, life's journey takes an unexpected split road, but if this bumpy road is the road to love, then i am willing to ride it out because i would see you at the end.

i would be strong for you. because i know you love me alot. i would be strong for you because i would be me again, a better person for you and for me. because of you, i don't do alot of things that would hurt myself. because of you, i experienced emotions i have never done before. because of you, i know we can make it through and scale to greater heights together

call me.

because tomorrow may never come. who's to know what can happen later. a war could break out, an accident could happen, a fire could happen. there may never be tomorrow. why always keep things till tomorrow.

it happens to often, but we all don't cherish today.

i don't want to have any regrets. i may not be giving you space, but everyday i want to be close to you. every day i want to know that you are safe. so that everyday i can tell you i love you, and love to the max every single day, because there may not be tomorrow.

and if there's ever any uncertainty just hold my hands, and i would never let you go. you'll be safe here with me.

will you give me a chance? to make everything right.

2MORO - 少了 KTV

sad song, but an incredibly sweet MTV, someday we'll stay together and be like them in the MTV..

you promised you would never leave me, you promised to love me forever. you said once that "please respect me, you said you would never leave me, you said you would never leave me" and I didn't leave you. i never did and never you. you said you would never leave me too. if i told you the same thing, would you come back to me?


Bon Jovi - Always

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now i'm drowning in the flood
You see i've always been a fighter
But without you i give up

Now i can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, i guess i'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And i will love you, baby - always
And i'll be there forever and a day - always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And i know when i die, you'll be on my mind
And i'll love you - always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What i'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, i'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish i was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, i will love you baby - always
And i'll be there forever and a day - always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price i won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And i will love you, baby - always
And i'll be there forever and a day - always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And i know when i die, you'll be on my mind
And i'll love you - always


张惠妹 - 记得

谁还记得
是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话
是我们以后的伤口
过了太久
没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后
我们都忘了
这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的
有一天有一天都会停的
让时间说真话
虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后
我们都不知道会不会有遗憾
谁还记得
是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句
是我们以后的伤口
过了太久
没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后
我们都累了
却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑
怎么说怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么
也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人
等对方先说找分开的理由
谁还记得爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中
看见了不同的天空
走的太远
终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我
要有两个相反的梦
谁还记得
是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话
是我们以后的伤口
过了太久
没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后

today is the first day that i am feeling better.

a promise to you, is a promise you. that i won't ever leave you. i'll wait. and i will never leave you

you promised you would never leave me too. all those smses that you used to send me.

i wish i could count to 10 and make everything wonderful again. i wish all this was just a dream


Everclear - Wonderful

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful

the best i can do for now is this.

if you want to see the world and be lonely and still looking for the one at 50, i'll still be here.

you make moving on sound so easy. especially when i am the one giving you to someone ELSE. someone else who is not me. 2 and a half years of memories. of love, of life. i can never let you go. just because there are times when its not possible for me to stand on my 2 feet again.

i'm sorry i have to do this to myself. because i can't take the pain. its the only way i know to resolve the pain.

mahjong session with airforce friend resulted in a net loss of $6. its hard to concentrate. but they tried their best to cheer me up. suddenly, the radio played this song. the song that i played on my ibook 2 and a half years ago when we were at conrad. after watching finding nemo, and you asked me, why i don't want to be your boyfriend.

suddenly the song means more than ever before


Breathe - Hands to Heaven

As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving

Chorus:
So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday
Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

Repeat Chorus

Morning has come,
I must pack my bags and say goodbye,
Goodbye

i am such a loser.

i stopped doing it, because you told me if i did it again, you would do it twice to yourself, you told me it hurts you. i stopped doing it. i know you still care for me and love me a lot, but you are so far away.

i don't sleep well, i don't even enjoy eating. social events i try my best to enjoy and put on that all familiar mask of smiley face. but the mask doesn't seem to be thick enough. in no time, everyone know's i'm not ok.

i'm losing weight, i just lost another 2 kg. i cry and cry for no good reason, other than the fact that i miss you. i miss everything about you.

i need to hang on.

its particularly hard, because i see you everywhere. even while waiting for an old friend, i end up tearing because we've been there before, to distribute flyers. your shadow is everywhere. even when i go out, i have to travel past your house, my 2nd home for 2 years plus.

but i soldier on. i know you don't read my blog anymore. so its ok, i end up writing a diary. gosh! can you believe it.

i stand strong and hold on the what little strength i can muster, just so that i would not be weak and irritate you. fate will bring us back together again. this is something i am very sure of. and i said, no matter where you are, who you are with, i will chase you back. next v-day i will definitely ask you out again, if we are not together by then, and i'll kneel before you and put the ring on your finger.

till then every night before i sleep, every morning when i wake you, its still you on my mind.

its particularly hard, because i see you everywhere. even while waiting for an old friend, i end up tearing because we've been there before, to distribute flyers. your shadow is everywhere. even when i go out, i have to travel past your house, my 2nd home for 2 years plus.

but i soldier on. i know you don't read my blog anymore. so its ok, i end up writing a diary. gosh! can you believe it.

i stand strong and hold on the what little strength i can muster, just so that i would not be weak and irritate you. fate will bring us back together again. this is something i am very sure of. and i said, no matter where you are, who you are with, i will chase you back. next v-day i will definitely ask you out again, if we are not together by then, and i'll kneel before you and put the ring on your finger.

till then every night before i sleep, every morning when i wake you, its still you on my mind.

i've got to learn how to be by myself. its hard but i will do it. i know that you truly love me, and i know that you need time before we can build up anything again, base on trust and faith and love. we have 2 out of 3. I'll be strong for you, because i know the day will come when i'll put on the ring for u.

there's nothing left to do but to leave it all to fate. i've tried my best.

i hv left u alone for the past 5 days. its torturous. i can't take it. dear i love you so much.

i'm not moving on, i'm moving along. moving along only in the sense that time still passes by and i am still moving with the tide. deep inside i know you don't mean what you say. i know why you said what you did. i hope that i can get you back after the talk. i hope for so many things because i sincerely know that we can make it if we try again. because we love each other so much.

but in any case, should i not get you back now, maybe a clean break is indeed the way to go, so that someday we can have a clean start. because i am already yours. because i always knew that we will be together forever, living together till the day that we die. longz, i love you.

its not that i want you to look like the bad guy. i know if this r'ship fail, its all my fault. its all my fault. i'm sorry i didn't do enough. i am really feeling very bad. which is why i hate to talk to people. i don't want to be all imbalance all over again. it took me so much strength to balance myself and to leave you alone for 1 day, and i had to go and spoil it today just because i got thrown off balance again! again and again, by no doing on my own.

i need you. i can't let you leave me, i can't let you go.

everywhere i go, everything i do, is all done with you. memories lingers in every corner. from the days when u were selling cars, and i traversed the island with you distributing flyers, tampiness to boon lay, bukit panjang to ang mo kio. everywhere. every building i see you next to me. every action i do, before tucking myself in at night, i remember our first night together. i can't do it. 123 weeks, 864 days of relationship. i can't. i gave my all, i gave my life, my soul into it. i will never be fine again, not till the day you come back to me. i can't be fine.

do you know that i walked and ended up at your place? i waited for 3 hours plus just so that i hope i can see you. i know i irritate you, but i miss you so much. i miss you dear. i called and spoiled what could have been the 2nd day of me leaving you alone. so i decided that i should go back, just in case you see me and get more irritated with me. maybe i should have stuck on and waited. maybe i shouldn't have called. maybes. is there anything definite? that if i knew just what to do, things would be better.

i carry the voodoo doll everywhere now, in my bag, in my jeans pocket, because i believe it works. i sincerely do. i didn't give up, please don't give up on me.

dear, please come back

the grieving will stop, most definitely. we can't cry forever, and no one will listen to you cry. most just pretend to anyway, because deep inside they just need you for other reason, hence they pretend to be there for you, but after just 1 weep, they move the entire topic back to themself again.

but after all the grieving, what's left is the heartache and the memories. some things that can't be erased.

There is that someone whom we connect to, whom despite everything will still stand like a pillar waiting. The pillar we all hang on to tightly, despite always talking about letting go, because we are the ones who can never let go. The someone who will do the most silly things for you, who will wait indefinitely for you. The someone whom you always accuse of not understanding you, but deep inside you know that he/she really does understand you so much better than you'd admit.

- a little something from a blog a while back...-

i didn't think i could, but i made it through a day without disturbing you. its tough but i am trying my best. because inaction is action, and the only way that what's left of something so precious to me, seems to be to leave you alone and to give you space. so dear, i am giving you plenty of space. but just know that, i am here for you if you ever need me.

and that if you feel lonely, remember all that i've told you. that there's always a silly boy here thinking of you. no matter which part of the world you are at.

day 2!

i know it has all ended. but how can you be so selfish. i forgave you and all that you did. i swallowed all of it down. i want to salvage the whole r'ship, but all you can tell me is to leave you alone. that you needed time to be alone.

i tried my best to leave you alone, but how easy is it to say goodbye to a relationship of 2 and a half years. how can i stop caring for you just like that? how can i just not bother about your daily life, about your well-being, with just a snap of a finger.

i am not god. i am me, i am still a human. i stand before the one i love asking for a chance, but it's still nought.

i can see why people can lose faith and be jaded and be cynical. i can even understand how some people can be driven to suicide. its not difficult be pushed over the edge.

but perservere i must. perservere i will.

i will try to be strong, and leave you alone.

i will get you back one day.

Things you never see on certain broadsheets here in sillypore

Eva Cassidy - Time After Time

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Turning in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback to warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories,
Time after...

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you have said
And you say go slow
I've fallen behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time

After your picture fades and darkness has
Turned to grey
Watching through windows I’m wondering
If you’re OK
And you say go slow
I've fallen behind
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time

i can't do this. i tried very hard to be strong. but whats the use of being strong? i don't say what happened because i don't want to relive the pain everytime i tell someone. so i keep everything to myself. and i just relive the pain every moment in my head, every moment in my heart. and all you can tell me is to let it go. not even willing to fix anything.

finality. that's it.

gloom surrounds me, something that's painfully obvious. curtains drawn so that i can avoid the light for just that moment longer so maybe i am in a dream, a nightmare that i can wake up from. but the time comes when i have to draw my curtains, and realise everyday that its morning, i am not having a nightmare.

dear please don't go anywhere.

i always chide people who want to commit suicide that they are ballness. its takes more courage to live on than to choose to escape by death.

i realised i have never been more wrong. choosing to die, is not easy. because there's so much we leave behind, so many people we hurt in the process and seriously, most of us are afraid to die. its so easy to just walk onto the road and throw yourself into oncoming traffic, and taking the leap of faith into emptiness, or even to just gently cut the wrist. its not easy. suicide is not the easy way out if you have ever attempted it.

i chose to live on, only because i don't have the courage to die. there's no purpose for everything i am doing now. my dreams, my goals, all my aim in life just died 3 days ago. everything i worked for, all the money i am saving up, for the eventual somewhere is all nought.

i feel like going away now. to somewhere where no one can reach me. far far away from this place of hurt.