today was somewhat like the first time, i prepared myself to go to town and shop alone. i used to really hate the feeling. i've always hated being alone. till this day, i have never watched a movie alone. other than the occasional groceries shopping and errands running nearby, i absolutely hate doing things by myself.

the first time i explored an area by myself, was in san fran. and it was such an interesting experience. so interesting that i decided to walk around town today. over and on top of the fact that i had to run some errands in town.

so off i went, and i shopped and walked and went all over. and it was such fun. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. it also made me realised certain things. i've made peace with myself. i've come to terms with the past.

maybe you are right. maybe a break-up isn't all bad. if all we want is to be happy, why are we so unhappy together. life is so unexpected, and i suppose that's what makes life so interesting, because we never know what's going to happen.

what the future may bring, i am anticipating. memories, no longer bring pain, but nostalgia knowing that we've spend such great times together. the best times of my life were spent with you. but those are in the past. i won't get anywhere if i keep getting stuck in the past that will never be my future.

i've been happy. at times conflicting emotions. but mostly, i've been happy. at worse i feel melancholy. and its amazing really how i manage to pull through. i never thought i would survived, i never even thought i would feel better. but i did somehow.

love is not something that jus happens at the laundromat. what happens at the laundromat (or public buses if you must) is an infatuation. love is something that happens over time, as you get to know the person better, after all the good points fade away, after all the sweetness fade away. it happens when you quarrel and make up. it happens when you realized all the person's bad points. it happens when you spend time apart.

and through everything, when you learnt that you still accept the person for who he is, you understand the person through and through and love the good, the bad, the good times, the bad times, the quarrels, the happy memories. that is love.

its amazing really. the sky won't always be grey, its true.

life's been better. i'm smiling more, and i'm happier these days.

thanks you folks!

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

=)

#####

sometimes a person actions can cause a lot more hurt to more people than they think it does. sometimes at the end of the day, all parties are hurt.

letting go, moving on. thank you for being there. thank you for making me smile.

someone told me that i was really strong and brave. that i could still face you and talk to you. and yes i think i am really strong to be able to do this. to be able to talk to you about you new bf, to be able to be a good friend of yours. but i wish that i could be strong every single day, every single moment.

because there are just sometimes, it gets too much to bear. just sometimes, i fall apart. i don't even feel angry at you. i just feel regret, just feel a overwhelming sense of loss.

but there's nothing left to do? no? when you look at me at tell me that you're sorry, there's nothing that you can now, really what do you expect me to say? can i really say what i feel? of course i'll say i know, its ok. how can i ever say that there's plenty of things you can do. there's never nothing that you can do.

and what am i suppose to do? i hear you call out to me every so often. but even if i pull you, you don't want to be pulled, and you're stuck what can i do?

i have really lost all my faith, if something can end, what's the point of beginning in the first place. i am scared to even think of knowing people. so much fears, so much insecurity. and at the end of the day, i don't want anybody to get hurt. cause it sucks. the feeling really sucks.

time will tell you say?

i am so scared. so scared. so so scared. why the sudden emotion after 4 days of being happy? i don't know, i really don't know. maybe because i know somehow that the next time i see you would be a long time away? or is that i am preparing myself to let go?

why are you still chasing, when everything and everyone's so fake, when no one really cares. and there's one person who really does, whom you can tell everything, whom you can let all your emotions out.

happiness, something that we had, something that seems so far away.

Jem, thanks for making me happy last night, i haven't felt that way in such a long time. really thanks.

i don't know what to say or what to type. you take care of yourself.

for some inexplicable reason, i felt really happy today. i felt light and ready to move. i supposed i finally let go and moved on. it was so strange, as i walked away from the void deck, i didn't feel that familiar tinge of sadness, i wasn't even hurt. i felt nothing much. it was more of a 'yeah we used to walk this stretch of road together but oh well' and that's it.

i think at the end of the day, i am just happy for him, and knowing that he cares is really more than enough. and really i am fine. i am really happy. for once, i am happy. and colin, my dearest dearest buddy who's stood by me every step of the way, said 2 days ago that the [k] he knew was finally back. (in response to my usual harsh sms)

and i guess he's right. i feel that i am coming back. i am happy and cheery for real, and not hiding behind my mask.

this doesn't change a few things though.

so many people to thank, i don't even know where to start. you know who you guys are and thanks for being there for me. and jem, thanks for making my day.

finally. i am back!

day 2 of my brand new me campaign! and i can feel it working. the day just passed by like that. its difficult but i'm good. it won't be that fast but slowly and surely i will get out of this rug.

there are moments of missing, but i don't cry over it anymore. its just missing. and when i was reading all old messages u sent me, i didn't tear. it just brought about memories, and a tinge, just a little tinge of heartache. what an improvement!

day by day, one day at a time, i will make myself and my life better.

but somethings will never change, like my love for you.

did i tell you about this absolutely cutie pie i saw this morning........hahaha!

and so i decided that a brand new day would bring about a brand new me. i can't go on feeling depressed and be stuck. and so i am moving forward in my life, facing the pain. i promised you that i would be happy, that for your sake i will be happy. and i will try. it is not easy, but i will.

thanks for still caring for me, thanks for keeping me in that tiny corner of your heart still.

all you said, i remember. all that i said, i hope you remember too. you know how i feel for you.

i just watched oprah. for the first time, on channel 5. and somehow everything that she said just resonated in my heart. there's no way out of the pain but to walk through it. there's no shortcut, no formula, nothing. one has to survive it and walk out of it.

the show was about this woman who's life was blown to pieces after her husband died in the 9/11 attack. and somehow i'm feeling. isn't death a better resolution. isn't death finality. at least he is not coming back anymore. the end. dealing with death seems to be so much easier. there's nothing else to hope, nothing else to imagine. there's nothing. and isn't emptiness simply the best.

yes he left. and what exactly do you do when the person is still around but not really around anymore. if one left because of death, the i suppose it would be so much easier to handle. after the grieve, we move on. maybe it takes awhile, but we move on. but when one leaves cause of circumstances, especially at the parting moment, we still love each other. how does one deal with that. and how does one deal with a change of heart less than one month after parting.

kathryn (the women in the show) said that her husband's last words to her were "i love you, take care of the kids". and isn't that enough to survive on. because you know that the end, right before he died, he loves you. and he took the love to his grave. to eternity.

and so i sat there in front of the TV, waiting to find out how does the psychologist recommend moving on. oprah said she really respects kathryn for being able to do things normally. soul's hurt but at least life routine's move on. my life routine is moving on too. i wake up every morning and draw my curtains to let light in, like alwyn said i should. i remember the 1st few weeks i would just rot in bed, i would refuse to wake up and keep crying and hoping.

i refused to let life routine continue, i refuse to meet my friends. i didn't even eat or sleep. it took me a month to snap out of that but i did. now i even go to school and take notes in lecture.

and oprah and the psychologist said that while that's good that everything is done right, the soul is still hurt. and it takes a lot more for the soul to heal. i forced myself to hide all my grieve from everyone for the past 3 weeks and i couldn't take it anymore, and i shouldn't hide it. i should just continue to grieve and walk through the pain.

maybe someday you'll be back. maybe you'll never come back at all. i think i have said enough to you. "dear i really love you alot. thanks for all." you said that to me the 1st time we parted and now i am returning it to you. i really do love you. thanks for all.

there's no shortcut, there's no formula. i can only walk through the pain, and surrounding myself with people who would let me talk about, not my anger, but my pain. and one day i will walk through it.

all i ever wanted, was to spend my lifetime loving you.

i hate this place. i can't make myself feel better. i want to leave this place for good. away from everything. every single day, i appear to be strong, and maybe i am slowly getting stronger. but the stronger i get, the more i miss you. and the more i wonder why do i do all that i do anymore.

i used to work so hard to fulfill our goals and our dreams. and what has that amounted to. i just want to get away. go somewhere else where i don't know a single shit and start my life there. because my life here has unexpectedly ended. i feel so lonely. so lonely. so lonely.

there are so many things friends can do. i appreciate every single thing that you guys have done. but there are some void that no one can replace.

i told myself, one day at a time, i can make my life better. i told my bestie, one day at a time, he can make his life better. and he did. he is feeling so much better already. and what about me? yeah yeah, on the surface everything's great! wooohooo, i love my trip. but deep inside i feel like fuck

why isn't all this a fucking nightmare that i can wake up from

i told myself, i can't cry anymore, and i didn't cry for 2 weeks. then things happened. and i am not even sure of anything. i thought u cared for me, do you? or i am just being delusional.

letting go. letting go. letting go. letting go.

there's so many things that we haven't done. we haven't even seen the world together. so many things. what am i do to do? what am i to do? with all the memories, with all the hopes with all the emotions. they were so rudely returned to me just like that.

WEAKLING.

i have no idea what is happening to me. how is that i can do this to myself for so long, i cannot believe that i haven't stopped thinking about you. since the first day i met you, you were the 1st thing on my mind when i wake up, you are the last thing on my mind before i slept. after we have broken up, i still think about you. every single day.

this cycle, this never ending cycle.

i am so tired of everything. i don't want to know someone else. i don't want to go through all the drama, and start everything with someone else. the notion just makes me sick.

is having a hope better than no hope? is false hope better than no hope? what is life without hope? why do we live if we all don't hope a better day?

i don't know what to do. someone please tell me what to do. being stuck in a moment for too long. for way too long.

come back to me please. i love you. i'll make it all up to you.


Kimberley Locke - Without You

Never even thought to cry
When I heard you say goodbye
Never said where you were going

And theres no laughter in the air
Only silence everywhere
And so much left unspoken

Since you've been gone
I haven't been the same
I wish that I could see
Who's to blame

Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
And no love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am i supposed to live my life?
Without you

oooooo
Was in lost in you and ne
To the point I couldn't see
That what we had was dying

Now it's all that I can do
To see photographs of you
And stop myself from crying

I should learn to live without your love
Got so many memories
But it's not enough

Without you, where do i belong?
Without you, how can i go on?
And no love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life
Without you?

I feel helpless and oh so alone
Like I never felt before
You made feel alive
I don't remember what it's like anymore

Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
No love, no love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life, without you?
Without you, where do I belong? (where do I belong?)
Without you, how can I go on?
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life,
Without you?
Oh baby, where do I belong? (without you)
Please tell me how can I go on?

i am finally back from the states. long flight and and even longer journey. and what a trip it has been. its been a fun filled trip, together with plenty of emotions and plenty of learning.

i guess i learned a lot about life during this trip. the awe-inspiring grand canyon, the beauty of sedona. the grandeur of mother nature had a very humbling effect on me. and life just felt so perfect.

along the way, met many homeless people begging for money. and it just struck a chord that its good to be alive and there's hope and family. its really cold at night out there, and they sleep out in the streets waiting for another day to pass. to me, its desperation and if i had nothing to live for, why for am i still living. but they live on, day by day. and through them, i found strength.

and all this life lessons only make me love you more.

today would have been our 2.5 year anniversary. sorry i failed us.


五月天 - 我们 (时时刻刻)

我为何要存在
为何要感慨为
何颤抖停不下来
你为何要推翻
为何要离开
为何给我这个答案

我们曾经那么精采
我们曾经那么期待
最后你把回忆还我
要我好好过

你话中的计算
准确的伤害
像精心打造的对白
我划开了动脉
也许不醒来
至少昨天无法毁坏

我们曾经那么精采
我们曾经那么期待
最后你把回忆还我
要我好好过

我们最后这么遗憾
我们最后这么无关
时时刻刻每个现在都在嘲笑我

sitting alone in union square, after exploring the northern area of san fran by myself. you are right. indeed being overseas is such a lonely thing. but these days, i enjoy being lonely. loneliness seems to be my best companion.

san fran, such an amazing city. but the way fate plays trick on us, i might not get to see you after all.

i guess, i really don't know what to feel about you. its barely a month and you got attached. we had a 2.5 year relationship and you just left, like that. you were so upset deep inside and you bared it all to me that day, why suddenly, you changed so much that none of your friends know you anymore.

i've been depressed for 7 weeks, and finally the past 2 weeks have been ok. and now the shock comes again, a reality check. what am i suppose to do? what am i suppose to do with all these memories, with all my love for you? its not that i can't move on. but seriously, what do you want me to do with all these years of bond, of love, of life.

i hate it you know. i hate how you could move on so quickly. i hate how you got over me. i hate that you are already attached to someone else, i hate it that i can never hold you again, i hate it that everything he whispers in your eyes are what i want to say to you. and most of all, i hate it that i don't hate you, not the slightest bit, not even at all.

you made me so happy. then you made me so confused. sigh.

i don't know what to think, or don't know what to do. i miss you so much. i miss you everyday, and everyday i love you more. i brought the old nokia to US, to get a US line, and i accidentally read your old messages to me. they meant so much. you loved me so so much. what happened. do you not love me anymore?

i just want to spend my life with you, taking trips every year. be happy. and now, all i can think of is just the memories of us. and maybe sometime in the future we could be together, and we could go overseas to the grand canyon. i can show you the place. i have been driving around another area called sedona, and all i think of is you.

but everything moves on. i enjoy myself. i enjoyed myself tremendously, its a beautiful place. its so gorgeous over here in grand canyon and sedona. and i just think of you inside.

why must all of this happen to me. can't i ever get my happy ending. i thought you were the one i would spend my life with. are you still the one. i hope i can still love you.

thanks for still caring.