i am quite profoundly disturbed by the recent earthquake that struck aceh and the tsunamis that followed suit all over the world. it made me realise so many things. we never know what is going to happen next and that somehow everything is fated. we should all be happy living everyday, why for be sad and be angry. if we are attached, we must learn to cherish every moment together rather than be arguing (are you guilty of that?) we should forgive and forget because while forgiving doesn't change the past, it does enlarge the future. that who knows, we might all be gone in the next nanosecond because some war just broke out.

yeah yeah i am a very emotional person. i really miss him a lot. guess i really should cherish my time with him and give in more.

i am packing my stuff now, gotta return everything to rsaf. there was this sudden surge of emotion swelling inside. its like i've put away my feelings for awhile now and they're all finding their way out. all this while, the reality of the situation haven't really sunk in yet; i mean i felt bad but i wasn't exactly depressed and crying all over my suspension. but when i am packing everything, looking at my flight suit and my helmet and all the accessories, all that i would never ever be able to wear again, i can't help but feel terrible. i couldn't hold back my tears as they slowly find their down way. the gravity of it all just came crashing. and for now, all my dreams will have to be on hold, on hold till i graduate at least. oh well i can't help that.

sigh sigh. big decisions in life

ahhh, its almost christmas eve. goodness and i'm still not in the christmas mood yet. thinking about it, i've hardly ever felt the christmas mood; well because it holds no meaning to me. silent night? nahz i've got my ipod (okok lame advert from citylink, but ohwell)

i've made an important decision in life. that would mean i have to put off my plans of a dashing condo and a honda integra aside, all the plans delayed by four years. is it worth it? i guess so.

but anyway i'm reading this book, the line of beauty by alan hollinghurst. its a damn fucking good book, well too much sex but still its damn good. its a master of literature. its just so amazing, you have to read it.

not very coherent today. nevermind. going back to read and going back to missing my boy.

i just spend the most wonderful 23 hours and 9 minutes with my boy. hahaha oh well nothing much for you to know. went swimming, shopping, eating and just generally hanging out. haven't done that in a long time. and i miss him already. cow why aren't you beside me now?

i am finally going to see my dear and some quality time together. YAY! hahah finally i waited so long, and i currently baking something for him. hehehez
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oh do you know christmas has absolutely nothing to do with christians. especially all those merry making bits, all the nonsense about christmas is all about giving. for those less informed and not so well read, two thousand years ago, this was the very kind of celebration that alarmed the early christian church, which was disgusted with the cheer and merriment that marked the pagan festivals of their new converts. at first, the church forbade this kind of celebration. but it was to no avail. the christian “christmas” celebration was invented to compete against the pagan celebrations of december. The 25th was not only sacred to the romans, but also to the persians ? whose religion, mithraism, was one of christianity’s main rivals then.

the church was successful eventually in taking the merriment, lights and gifts from the pagan festival and bringing them to the celebration of christmas. quite alive in modern singapore, though its traditional impulses are designed unreservedly to promote happiness, goodwill and social bonhomie. for some, the christmas period is still a religious festival and the churches will see an upsurge in attendance for this one day.

the history of celebrating the end of the year or of a cycle dates back to more than 4,000 years. Many of the christmas traditions were celebrated centuries before jesus christ was born. The 12 days of christmas, the bright fires, the yule log, the giving of gifts, carnivals, parades with floats, carollers who sing while going from house to house, the holiday feasts and the church processions can all be traced back to the early mesopotamians.

there are many ? the starving, the abused, the parents of those dead or facing death in war zones, the jobless ? for whom it will be the unhappiest and the loneliest time of the year. for many who have seen the horrors of war and genocide, christmas and the new Year will mean very little except sadness. christmas is the season of hope for peace and goodwill. Maybe, just maybe, the christian world will pause to ponder the real meaning (to bring peace on earth and joy to the world) of christ's birth.

credit to constance singam

i think mediacorp should stop showing true files, the more mediacorp shows it, the more i am convinced that the singapore law system is so screwed up. its only through this show that i realised that as long as there is death, irregardless what happens, its considered murder, and there's no such thing as "causing death not amounting to culpable homicide" (or whatever it is)

the cases they show have so many doubtful points and it really makes me lose so much faith in singapore. and i once more denounce the death sentence. haiz...

today is such an exciting day. i spent my whole day at home doing nothing. and nope i wasn't even reading. goodness. haha. i really jus rotted at home. it felt really really good, though i am bored of it already. envy all those uni folks, get to slack like this once in awhile. guess i am really not used to such lovely life. but anyway i spent the day mostly looking after the baby, and well doing some housekeeping on my mac.

my boy started work proper today after a few weeks of training. oh well, he's gonna be so busy now. wish can spend more quality time with him.

as for me, my appointment for tomorrow has been set with my old old old friend jasmin for a lunch at top of the m (no i am joking of course, lawry's, haha nahz) and dinner will be with my boy and hopefully can spend some time, haiz. was suppose to be meetin ah yee, but as always whenever we set to meet, somehow something crops up. but we are on our to break that curse ain't it...

i wrote to the prime minister. yes mr lee hsien long (i hope i spelled that correctly). i am absolutely perturbed by the rejection of snowball and in case you are wondering, no i never went to such parties. its just the hypocritism that i can't stand anymore and i wrote to him, i shall let you guys have a read.

and guess what, i might just be getting an interview with the straits times because of this. jolly good.
-----

Dear Sir,

I know you have probably read alot of this email by now and i won't be
bothering you much, but i feel i have something to say.

I am your typical young singapore student, though i am not amongst the
scholarly high flyers, i graduated from a rather decent school. I was very
inspired by your rally when you told us that we would be an 'open and
inclusive society', though i was sceptical, most of what you have done gave

me confidence that you'll lead singapore to better heights. My best friend
attended the Prime Minister dialouge with you, and he told me that you
seemed like you are genuinely making an effort to make everyone of us
count.

It is disheartening and very disappointing that the police have sought to
bring down what you tried to establish. By claiming that we are largely
conservative (who even decides that?) they tore down what you are trying to

establish, and makes us feel discriminated and left out. I can't even begin

to describe how upset I felt when i read the news about the refusal of
license for Snowball 04. I for one do not go to such parties but i always
felt that such parties are the beginning of something promising, some
changes. Most of friends know I am gay and most are ok with it, so how do
we
justify whether are we largely conservative. So based on that statement are

we going to do away with everything just because the police thinks that.
That what they think is too 'open' for singapore, be it arts, theatre,
film,
events (maybe a woman oriented event, but because they are chauvinist
thinking that females are to be discriminated as well we should cancel the
event) how about breast cancer screening, we are too conservative for that
too? I am sure you know my point sir.

I have great hopes in Singapore and it is from the deepest of my heart that

I've sent this email to you. While I know you might be too busy to reply, I

hope that as you read this, you might be able to gather feedbacks from the
young generation. I never did feedback to that call because I've always
been
a sceptic, always wondered whats the point if I spoke up. I just did and
while there may be limited actions, I hope something can be done to make
Singapore and 'open and inclusive' society for all

Regards
Scott

-----
you know, all those that i have said are really from the bottom of my heart. i was very very impressed with pm lee, but this has really gotten to me. gotten to me very very badly. i mean who on fuck decides that we are too conservative. every bloody person i know now, i just tell them that i am gay. my friend's entire christian family know and they are so ok with it. they bring good looking guys for me to see. so who on this fuck decides we are 'largely conservative'? the fucked up police? so what if i tell them most people think that the police uniform is too indecent, they are showing the hands and the face, we are too conservative for such outrageous show of flesh from the force of authority, are they going to be in full face to toe suit with nothing revealing?

i mean oh my fuckin god (if there is one) what on earth is an openly homosexual life. like it can be closed and open. fucked up...!!!!!

hello world! i am back after a tremendously long hiatus!!! yes yes yes amazing ain't it. well i told ya i would be coming back. but i've been far toooooo busy to do a new layout so please try to enjoy this current one till i find some time ok? oh well why i went on hiatus? or even saying that i might take down my blog? well its too long to tell you guys, but don't worry i am doing quite well now. hoping things would get better. how is everybody doing? i'm going to be so busy but please do drop me a letter! if you don't know address email me and ask! i like real letters more than email. but an email will do fine for those too lazy to write? is everyone doing ok? i hope you guys are.

ahhh i realised that i really did miss blogging a lot. an emotional outlet for me to spill all my troubles to. to jus update everybody and to tell someone and yet no one in particular what i did and i am going to do. sometimes it just sucks knowing that while you try to tell someone about your day, they just pretend to be listening. i would rather be blogging thinking some people might read it.

but anyway i would be updating more in time to come. but right now, important decisions in life. very important decisions in life to be made. watch out world. i am going to be somebody someday!

"They say I'm "flaunting an openly homosexual lifestyle," as if there fucking is one. That really gets me... Aren't we just talking about people loving each other? It's so fucking boring." - Roseanne

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." - Sam Austin

i need help i am gg crazy. he hasn't called me for 3 nights and i'm at seoul daily and seoul news.net checking if anything is happening there. argh. somebody help me. i am so worried how can he do this to me?

i just spend 1.5 hours chatting with my dar over the net just now. apparently his hotel room has a computer! but sadly he's only there for 2 nights, after that he would be setting off to another place, and he won't be able to contact me as readily as now. thinking if i should be stupid and wait till 6 am till he wakes and can icq him again.

haiz i think i am so hopeless. so hopelessly in love and so hopelessly lovelorn

okok i am here one more time. because i just realised, i forgot to update about the most hilarious show i've ever watch. look no further mr and ms depressed. the one show to brighten up your entire month; to have you laughing your hearts off everytime you listen to 'a thousand miles' or spot a prada bag; the one show to make me laugh non-stop from start till finish and i mean non-stop, introducing THE WHITE CHICKS.

yeah! my dear SMSed me at the internet booth in the hotel. finally. feel so happy now. really quite happy, knowing that he is safe and sound. i know sometimes it is not going to be very convenient but i can't help feeling this way. but its all ok now, knowing that he is alright and having fun and missing me just as much. dear dear if you reading this, the weather is getting colder there, wear the overcoat i gave you if you need ok? and must take good care of yourself especially since i am not there to take care of you.

i can't believe i am checking the world news at this crazy time just to know he's ok. sigh i am going crazy. dear where are you???

haiz. i can't sleep well at all. keep waking up. why? because he didn't call me tonight. no i am not afraid of him flirting, just worried about his safety. hope he is ok. and dear if you are reading this, if you can't get me, maybe you want leave a voice mail, or you can send me an email or sms me through the web ok. i am missing so much.

nobody i know can accept the fact that jerry is still in the competition it means that we all have to endure his singing, the lack of it, for one more week. david is out, not that he was a terrible singer or whatever, in fact he sings better than chris and jerry, but he has less supporter. but who cares. how can jerry even be there. this is too much. christopher as well, he's "consistently weak" as ken puts it. get outta there already.

we should have a voting out system, then we can more accurately know who's the most popular idol.

----------

he's now in korea, and i'm waiting for his phone call. so sad. haiz. he can't bring his phone there because the network there is a cdma network rather than GSM. which also means i can't SMS him or call him, but patiently wait for his calls and make sure that he is safe and sound. missing him alot

---------

i can't believe that we have degenerated till this, i've had enough.

LinuxInsider has published an interesting editorial from Paul Murphy who asks which is faster, Macs or PCs? In answer to that question, he says: "The short answer can be based entirely on raw hardware capabilities, and that answer is pretty simple: the Mac wins hands down." He goes on to say:

For example, the NCSA "Tungsten" cluster computer built last year was recently upgraded to include 2,500 dual Xeon Dell Poweredge 1750 servers at 3.2 GHz. According to NCSA public affairs, this thing has a theoretical peak capacity of about 32 Tereflops and yields about 15.36 teraflops in operation -- meaning that each CPU contributes about 3.1 Gigaflops to actual throughput.

In contrast, the cluster built last year at Virginia Tech using 1,100 Mac desktops has a theoretical peak of about 18.2 Teraflops and initially benchmarked at 8.1 Teraflops to deliver a contribution of 3.7 Gigaflops per CPU.

Although that was 19 percent better than the most recent Dell Xeon's, later machines built with Apple's X-Serves do much better because they have fewer I/O bottlenecks. Thus the Mach5 cluster built by Colsa Corp. and the U.S. Army, uses 1,566 dual CPU X-serves to deliver an expected 15 Teraflops in sustained throughput. That's 4.8 Gigaflops per CPU -- more than 50 percent faster than the Xeon -- and that's with last year's 2.0 GHz G5.

It can be argued, of course, that this comparison isn't fair because the Xeon is an older 32 bit processor and not generationally comparable to the G5. It might be better, therefore, to compare the X-serve cluster to machines built using a more modern 64 bit processor like AMD's (NYSE: AMD) Opteron's. "Lightning," at Los Alamos National Laboratory , uses 2,816 Opterons to produce a peak of 11,264 or 4.0 Gigaflops per CPU -- 30 percent better than the Xeons, but still 20 percent less than the G5s.

The article in its entirety goes on to address many of the issues on what makes such comparisons difficult, as well as other related issues. Included in those issues is that despite his quantitative answers, many questions regarding which platform is better simply can not be unresolved. We recommend the full article as a good read.

The Mac Observer Spin:
That it comes from a Linux-focused publication just makes it that much more interesting. While we will continue to point out that Linux and Mac platforms face the same enemy, Windows, what's important is that this piece wasn't pumped out by a Mac fan site, but rather a site aimed at the Linux community. That said, it's a corporate-owned site, part of the E-Commerce Times network, and not a fan-driven site, so some of the impact is certainly lost.

Additionally, E-Commerce Times aims its publications more at the IT world than community-oriented sites like The Mac Observer, but that means that the article is raising issues of speed in front of an audience that could conceivably produce Switchers.

----------

i can't believe there are still extremely STUPID AND FUCKED UP people who refuse to believe that mac are better. i am not even expecting them to change. i mean like 10 of my friends have seen the mac and converted and absolutely loving it. not a single day of crash. no frustration, EVER. and then there are still people who just conveniently "i am sick of the mac vs pc argument" i mean what argument. even linux and windows producers admit the MAC WINS HANDS DOWN i quote. silly pc users.

this is so fascinating. as much as i am so upset about jeassea being out of singapore idol, i must direct everybody's attention to this blog, which is on something more disgusting that jerry from singapore idol. christianity. haha okok, more generally, religion, but come on we all know don't we.

http://timmerca.com/article/2620/

its sooo funny

let me quote a few lines

"with all this technological innovation and knowledge, there is still a majority of people who find solace in their own imaginary friend.

i'm talking about religion. i don't understand how two grown, mature adults can talk one minute about how wonderful it is to fly from new york to los angeles in under six hours, and then the next minute discuss at length how god is great and how good he is to all his children."

"people kill each other because they believe that one imaginary friend is better than another is inconceivable to me."

"i mean, come on people...are we still living in the dark ages here? is there still any doubt in any grown adults mind about the existence of an invisible, unknowable, all-powerful, omnipotent being? do we believe in the easter bunny past age 5? do we believe in santa clause? gremlins? trolls under our beds at night? of course not. so why do we believe in god?

and this insanity is reaching pandemic proportions. not only are people disagreeing about which imaginary friend is better than the other, but people are moving to other countries, spending years "sleeping", and then one morning, waking up and getting on a bus with ten pounds of plastic explosives strapped to their belly.

are we fucking serious?"


hahahah go read it go read it.. yes everyone of you. hahahah

i am absolutely appalled and taken back by the results of singapore idol. JERRY SUCKS BIG TIME. did you guys hear the audience boo when the results was announced? they were like 'what'!!! jessea is really really good. when she sang everybody was like screaming. how on earth did that fuc*** jerry get it. he must get out next week. he is absolutely terrible. he went off keys so many times. and not to mention his f***ed up attitude.

i'll bet he's from city harvest. anybody can verify that? i mean how else can absolutely horrendous singers like ho yeow sun get RIAS best selling artiste? it is an SOP in city harvest for every member of the family to own 25million copies of her album or else rot in hell. argh this is absolute ghastly and appalling (note, jerry is not from city harvest, he's from trinity methodist church, there goes that theory)

visit http://www.todayonline.com/articles/25723.aspfor a detailed newspaper article on anti jerry sentiments.

chant with me

I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY
vote for jerry and ROT IN HELL!!!!!!
I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY
vote for jerry and ROT IN HELL!!!!!! I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY I HATE JERRY