my previous post which i typed during one of my most terrible hours was not posted. but i saved it and am wondering if i should put it up. actually i think i should cos this is what i felt like 3 days ago.

may 4th 2002
it has all boiled down to nothing. absolutely nothing at all. and yesterday i just sat down in the middle of nowhere and cried my heart out. i have never cried so much since jason 2 years ago. in fact i think it was just as bad. i couldn't even talk or walk properly. and thank god my jackknife wasn't with me. nothing much to be said though. just that it sums up that i'm a loser in love. and that most people take me as a toy "play with me when u have the time, hugs and kisses included batteries not needed" you know. it was too traumatising. but i'm ok now. and after all those promises, someone slowly wakes you up to reality and reminds you that promises are meant to be broken.i mean whats there left to believe in anymore?

and after all that i'm back at where i am 2 years ago when i am totally disillusioned. left with a shattered heart that is beyond any fixing. so tired of it all. it suddenly seems that nothing lasts anymore. but i'm ok. life goes on no matter what happens, bleeding wrist, tearing eyes, broken heart, one still has to go on with life. nobody waits and nobody cares. so that sums it up. if u want to talk to me about it, please do, but i've told you what you need to know so don't ask the same things.

but now i'm feeling very fine. met up with mel yesterday, talked and exchanged some views and returned some stuff. then it was time to say goodbye. the first few steps were particularly hard to take and tears were welling up in both of us, but i did walk off gracefully. and then suddenly, like some strange spell has been casted, i felt very happy, like a sorta release from something. i mean i was still feeling sad. it was sorta mix feeling. but i'm ok now. feeling yellow!!!

so things with mel have now been cleared and settled and we're still great friends. and now there's alvin. ahhh. don't think i did update any of you guys about alvin. well long story there, but trying to settle things too. not in the bad way though. hahahahah i need a hug