http://home.tiscali.nl/multicom/DaSchop/endofworld.swf

go watch that it is damn farnie.
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well today's a long day. i left camp at 1030 or something like that. i've got so many things i wanna complain, but i've decided against it, looking at the time now. and i'll be driving tomorrow anyway. so i am going to sleep early. but well, just wanna say that i am still quite alive, and yes yes i would post more tomorrow. definitely. night folks

for some strange reason, the moment i see you i just get reminded of my ex totally. the way your life is going, the way things are. for some very strange reason, i just want to tell you the world's going to be ok. i don't really know why, but i want to show you the same things i've showed my ex because i've changed him and i somehow think i can change you too. not that you should change or anything, but at least your perception of the world. no i'm not trying to court you or get you to bed or anything, just as a friend i meant. but seriously, i get that feeling inside me, that strong feeling of wanting.

and there's this article which i intend to put up. but i would put it up tmr instead, way too late now. alrighty, sleep well folks. alex i miss you!

wanted to post something last night. then i realised that i always post in the dead of the night when i am really sleepy, so everything is all over the place. so today, i've decided to post in the day. no i am not in camp now. falling quite sick, so took an mc today, after my leave yesterday. sigh sigh. poor me fell sick to the new year sickness. but i am quite alive, no worries.

went to the commissioning parade yesterday with one of my girlfriend. it was kinda wet (very in fact), but well i promised him that i would be there, and i wanted to see all my friends anyway. many people i know went as well, bumped into my senior who was there to witness his junior's commissioning. and yes i survived it with not much 'after effect' (yes i can't lie). he saw me and he was very happy to see me, all smiles and everthing. didn't get to meet his girlfriend though. thought i saw this girl, but i refuse to think too much. took a picture and i left shortly after. then off i went to find all my friends and saluted them (suppose to give angpao one, but they say the tradition doesn't exist anymore, yeah right). so i am fine.

and well well its been a rainy week, really really grey. i love and hate this kinda weather. if it was the school hols and i have such weather, i would absolutely love to chill out. but i am working and its not the weekend, so this weather is extremely bothersome. makes me feel so dreary and lovelorn too. sigh sigh. alex is outfield in this weather. hope he'll be fine. and hey, thx for walking into my life and being someone that i needed you to be.

and to you: yes that little 2 sentence in one of my long long post was talking about you.

hrmm damn interesting day. i just bumped into kor just now. like literally. i was collecting tickets for asian boys vol 2 at lot1, then as i was walking out, i just walked into kor. haha. so we decided to grab dinner together (we actually arranged for dinner on thursday). and we chatted for like the longest time. playing around with my mac cos there's still so much more to be discovered.

going to watch his commissioning tomorrow, well well, i don't know how i would feel or react, but i'm bringing this girlfriend of mine, and she doesn't know about me, so by hook or by crook, i've gotta hang in there, should there be any reaction from me. i hope not too.

alex is out in tekong for the rest for the week. hrmmm, well well hopes he's fine. tired again, though i'm on leave tmr. will update in the morning!!! nite folks

its been a rather interesting new year. i spent alot of time out, but amidst all these activities, i actually found time to think and reflect on my life. dunno why but i'm on a very reflective mood recently (sounds like some sorta mid life crisis thing) nahz. i have been leading a very, lets see how do i put it down properly (ok loss of words) 'action - packed' love life (yes terrible choice of words thank you) full of ups and downs. and well maybe abit too many changes for some people to accept, but i think i am fine. its just that somehow i feel that although i have learnt many things along the way, it is still very hard to make things turn out the way i want it to be. like sometimes i honestly wanna take a long breather then so many things happened (i wonder if i actually brought it on myself)

hrmm ok, i'm like super tired now, will update again. talking on the phone now with someone that walked into my life recently (and i am really thankful that he did)

hrmm, been really busy. i mean like really. haven't even had time to sit down properly and enjoy time with myself. busy and traumatic week i must add. and please pardon me for the lack of proper english and coherent sentences, am quite tired. but here updating my blog to let the whole world know i'm still alive and not quite dead (nahz i'm not into suicide - bad joke)

went out with adrian to return his webcam and had a great lunch at soup restaurant, didn't know that they had such good food. thanks for lunch. after which met up with alex. shopped around with him, went to hmv to look at cds then headed over to sembawang to purchase it (for obvious reasons). i've got for myself, liang jing ru's collection and camp VCD, yes dearest alanna, i'll pass it to you when i'm done (come on now, you owe me a big hug)

looks like i've to face my inner demon quite soon this wed. colin tells me not to go, he has my interest at heart. but i think i would still go. i promised him for one, for another, i really want to see him, if its for the last time. its been so long since we've last met. but no worries, i've already got a girlfriend to go with me (yes the gift of girlfriends - wonders if charrissa is reading this). i hope i would be able to take it well. if yes, then i am finally on my way of moving on and picking up those pieces. lets see what happens.

thank you alex for such a great day and for everything! haha i know by the time you read this it would be so late into the week liaoz, but still.

"you have to learn how to pick up the broken pieces and try over again. learn to give your heart to that someone new." someone said that to me 2 years ago. i never did learn how to recover from jason till that day. and it is then, i decided to go ahead and try to make things work with mel. we had a great relationship though it ended rather violently, we're still good friends. but i still can't get over alvin t. i don't know why i'm feeling like this. right now, as i am listening to "gui ji" or even "breathe" my mind would wonder and my eye would get teary. i hate this feeling, and i love hating this feeling. he went out of my life as sudden as he came in.

its only now that i realised that i behaved really ridiculously. and that i was indeed too clingy and i really misunderstood him. he wasn't exactly perfect either and he knew it and to give him credit, he really did try and i guess i was the who pushed him away. only now, that i know someone who behaves the same way i did last year, did i realise all this. that i was the one who caused it to fail. not to say that it wouldn't if i were more understanding and gave him more space. but the fact that the more i wanted him, the more i called, the more i messaged, the further he drifted away. it was never like that in the past. and then i lost him.

and so i am now unable to feel anything anymore. i can't make myself feel the same way as i did. i tried so hard. i had to leave you because i really couldn't get over my ex. although i was with him, i still can't feel strongly for him as much as i did for alvin t. would you ever believe me if i said that all i did was to put on a front and that i am really indeed crumbling inside. that i just wanted to him so badly to hold me. that i would really wait for him. i can't help feeling this way. i can't trust anything anymore. its not really nice to be dumped 4 times in a row. and like i've said so many times, how can i believe anything anymore. "promises are meant to be broken" "don't make it sound like i've cheated you (i want to be with you in the long run, i would never leave you - yar right)" "i would never make you cry" "i would never break your heart". overused and never ever meant. if you can't keep your word, don't ever make it. i never asked for anyone to promise me anything. i am that naive, i would believe you. but not anymore.

i can't feel anything, not now, not for awhile. i can't feel the wave of emotions running through my heart when i see anyone. yes anybody can be nice to me, but no it doesn't mean i would like you. i can't even force myself too. i feel so numb. jaded? i think i am a bit too young to be saying that but maybe.

i still call him now and then to chat. i tried asking him before but he never outrightly said no, but somehow i know we can never be. i still can't change the way i feel. nothing can fight that feeling. the feeling of me wanting to be with him. once he messaged me (the first time he initiated in a million years) and asked if i wanna chat, i just called immediately. we chatted and i was just so happy, at least he thought of me. now and then he would ask where i was, but mostly we are not near enough to meet. then one day, he told me that he patched back with his ex girlfriend (yes girl) and at that moment, my whole world just came crashing down. and i had to maintain my composure and replied in the most "plastic" tone, wishing them all the best. that was christmas, i was on duty in camp. i just went silent and left the room for washroom. he asked me to go for his commissioning parade, and at first i was jumping with joy, but after a few days i realised that his parents and his girl would be going. i told him that i won't be going because it would be really awkward. but honestly i am dying to go. i want to see him take that first step as an officer. and most importantly i just want to see him.

he just messaged me a few days ago, asking me if i was still going, and i asked if he really wanted me to, and he said he would really love me to go. guess what, i will be going. i don't know how i would react, i think i would bring a friend along (female too). what does it all mean? i don't know. and this time i really can't pick up the broken pieces and start over.

"these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase - my immortal"

yesterday was definitely one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. someone i know wanted to commit suicide because of me. well its too long and bothersome to post it up. but i wasn't exactly feeling my best either. in fact i felt absolutely shitty. but still went out with leon to get my games. damn it lorz, i cried while talking to him. like my straightest friend, and he heard me cry. haha. i had my shades on the whole day to hide those puffy eyes. then we had dinner (which wasn't that cheap). and he had to leave at 7. so i was left to walk around alone for the next 3 and a half hours because dearest nemes's decided to be fashionably late.

yep, he is back! haha missed him quite a bit ever since he flew to taiwan, and missed huiyi too, been quite awhile since i've seen them. so met up yesterday and they came over to me place. we had lotsa fun, made lotsa noise. and well lotsa things lahz. i'm too tired now to type properly. tatata....

i am still very pissed and very upset. damn it. damn it damn it. i wanted to post something very nasty but i decided against it. but anyway i've calmed down. and yep. i'll update again, many things to do now.

its been a while since i've posted anything. well its just that i have been going home quite late this couple of days due to functions, gramps bday, friend not feeling good and all sorts of nonsense. i really want to spend some time by myself and with some of my friends whom i haven't seen in ages. this is so terrible and there's nothing i can do about. i just don't see why i should be so nice as to make allowance for everybody and in the make myself suffer. but the thing is i can't. people often leave me with no choice. and i just want to scream at you. for god sake stop whining! (won't elaborate too much) whining doesn't solve anything and it doesn't make things any better. you want things to change and i tell you to do something but you refuse, if you don't to take my advice then SCRAM.

alanna i missed you! must must go out soon, i need to pass you something and grab my present from ya and just chill out and chat. and well lunz is coming back this friday, hoping to be able to catch him on sat. which means i may not have time for other things again. disgusting. disgusting. i want 48 hours a day, or i shall stop trying to please everybody and start pleasing myself.

and i am broke. yet again, my friend ran into some financial issues (so turn to the regular, nahz joking) and i lent him a sum of money. and i still have some over at colin's side. so i am quite broke actually. waiting for new year, (anybody going to pack me a big "ang pow"?)

and i am back home. finally. today is my first day back home. my first stay out day and ohmigod, i am so happy! happy shalalala. was attending this common officers training and had quite a lot of fun. we basically didn't sleep much. spent alot of time talking and having fun, drinking (not drunk this time). it really did bonded us more i suppose.

but honestly, i still can't settle some internal disagreement with myself. there are just too many things spinning in my head. i am not ready for anything. its too soon. i am fine, but really, i don't want anything as yet. it is not that i am fighting it or anything, but nobody really understands the concept of taking things slow. one step at a time. that right now, we can function perfectly well as friends and see where we go from there. so does it not necessary mean that i would sort out my time equally. i don't mean anything evil. but its just that i need time and don't push me. the more you try, the further i would drift, i don't want that to happen either but it will.

and then there's the case of my ex. i won't dwell too much into that. but try to understand. i really don't want to offend and hurt anybody. its simple really, it ain't too complicated. just don't work too hard, just let things run. if it is meant to be, it will. if it is not, then it wouldn't.

just had a really really great time with alanna and mark just now. ohman, its been a really really long time since the three of us went out and had so much fun. mark's leaving on tuesday and i can't see him off cos i'll be in camp and i can't get any off because i'm still stuck on the course. my best friend flying off again for 7 months. and to make things worse, i might be flying off to aus before mark comes back to s'pore, so that would make it one entire year without seeing my best friend.sigh sigh.

caught mona lisa smile, and it was such a great show, i cried too actually (don't think alanna knows) ok lahz, not cried but teared?.. went off for dinner at caught mickki brown at esplanade. she's one hell of a great jazz singer really. the crowd gave a standing ovation at the end. she's really really good. but i'm far too tired to type anymore. i'm booking in tomorrow morning. will update again at the end of week. take care guys, love ya all!

its a new year! so HAPPY NEW YEAR guys. last year wasn't a pretty good year from humanity (took it from a chit chat with adrian) and i sincerely hope that this year will be a much better one, with the new US election coming up i hope things change (ooops, a bit too direct?). i really do want to have world peace! i don't really have much new year resolutions, in fact i don't think i ever had any to being with. i think its because i have always felt that its useless and we all will forget our new year resolution by the time march arrives. but i suppose other than the previous mention wish, i really wanna be able to pass my course and become a pilot, and my father to be able to keep his job. and one more thing which i wouldn't post it up.

but for the material side, i've already got my ibook G4! so next on the list is my ipod, zoom gfx5, oakleys square wire and 40/80gb external hard drive.

and i did have a good supper last night, eating roti prata and clementi (that cheese prata store) then i went home and finished editing my course video. think i might post it up. its quite nice. was going to go for paradise countdown with my 3 gorgeous juniors. cos one of my juniors, she had extra tickets (yes they are girls thank you very much). but my mommy was afraid of a terror attack, so oh well, i was a good boy yesterday. hahah. i am passing out tomorrow, finally. booking in soon so take care guys!

and i was going to say something about being really really drunk, but never mind. i will update that when i am more awake. one more thing to say is that, i hope 2004 will be a better year! and what i really want for the new year, my ipod! hahah

actually i wanted to post all the messages up and return his words back to him, but then i decided not to. i decided that nahz, it would be too childish and that it would just be me but not in my most sanest of moods. then i deleted all the messages. it was quite hard though, honestly. but well, nobody really cared anyway, so off it went. then it just kinda struck me and made me realise with so much disgust that i don't even want to believe it. that i don't even want to acknowledge, but i have to. nobody asked for justification so don't.

and well, i called alvin t today. he's with his girlfriend. ahh, its kinda nice but i am soo jealous. i do miss him so much. am i insane? he asked me to go to his commissioning parade. but i have this overwhelming feeling that his well girlfriend might be going. argh.

and i haven't slept for the past 2 weeks. i am so so so tired now. i don't even know why i am still here typingg this. oh yar i am waiting for supper. think i am too tired to wait liao. good nite guys have a great year ahead.

i have only 2 wishes, one of which is world peace, and the other is to make myself happy like i am now, no worries and at peace with myself!

wow. i just found out the most interesting from one my friend just now. i won't say too much. one full circle. my god, i am not feeling in the bestest of moods. now. hahaha, look again, in the end, i'm still the fool. **** you to all of you out there. can't anyone of you just be serious. if i am cute and you really wanna play with my feelings, you are all welcome. use and throw. this is soo disgusting. its getting so repetative even i am sick of it. i'm up for sale, is there anyone willing to take me? fuck i am incoherent again. argh.......

and yes i am here finally! its been quite awhile. just really busy with my project work and all. i don't even have time to breathe (ok maybe that was a bit over doing it) but really i haven't slept much for the past 3 days. i retire to bed at past midnight, and the next day i wake up at quarter past 5 for a new day. sickening. i need to rest. sigh sigh sigh...

but well, i am so impressed by my ibook. its sooo cute! and there's so many things mac can do. its really impresseive, i'm a total convert. and yes i am typing this now on my ibook. hahah. i am going to revamp this page soon, so keep an eye out for it. by next weekend or the weekend after, it should be done. hrmm alanna should i do avril? ahaha, nahz think i would try something different.

my end of course function is coming up and it is going to be so boring. sigh i am trying my best to organise something fun. but i can't overwrite my ic. its not just me, all of us (yes its only me usually but this time its different) i'm going with my 1st 3 month jc classmate, quite close to me and she's hot and attached (haha thank god its me right?)

till now i still don't know why i miss him so much. i was just standing at the the mrt station yesterday, waiting for colin to appear, then my discman was playing breathe by michelle branch. this strong sense of longing just surge past me. it was really overwhelming. you know when i found out that he was attached again (back with his ex girlfriend - yes GIRL) i was shattered. sigh sigh sigh. am i whining too much?

oh sigh oh sigh oh sigh. people, make a guess where i am now? nope i am not at home. nope i am not at my friends place, and nope i am most definitely not at any cybercafe. i'm stuck in camp. yes in camp on a xmas day. how sad right? long story. lets just say that my friend kena extra duties and i'm covering for him. i've been here since 7 in the morning. sigh. the only good thing, i'm booking out on saturday. and there's nothing on tomorrow.

this christmas was also quite a contemplative one for me. thoughts about life, relationships and friendships are stuck in my head. after a short 3 years, i realised that i have grown alot and how i view such notions have matured. really thankful to alanna, mark, darrell, rudy, colin for always always being there. through all my ups and my downs. we may have our quarrels but we always do clear up the air and emerge closer than ever. lunz for sharing a good part of my j2 life with on weekends esp, thanks - i only realised how impt weekends are when i enlisted. huiyi, who is always so concerned and msges me to check on me whenever she notices something might be wrong, and having our food binging sessions ever so often.alvin t, yes that guy, i miss him. fallapart, thx for everything. terry, mel, jason, clay, thx for loving me. and finally my family, nobody in this world loves me more than my family and i love them ever so much, for taking care of me for the past 19 years. and to all those whom i missed out well, i am not that free in camp! but still thanks everybody. for loving me for who i am, regardless of well, which side on the fence i sit on or how blonde i can be. heheh

its just like killing a quail. you say nice things to it, you stroke it really gently cooing it to sleep, trying to relax it. and then you have to it. you just had to kill it, by ripping off the head. and the blood, the warm blood, the red blood, that thick and carnal scent slowly slowly drips down. after you remove the feather, you ripped the breast bone up to remove the innards. and that heart is still beating. beating for all it was worth, as if it was its last attempt to get back to live, what last attempt? isn't it dead? and you placed your hands in there, and that heart was beating, you crushed it. the heart died, the heart stopped beating.

and in all fantastic fashion, you left that helpless thing to die. and the heart's frozen. the heart's gone. and it doesn't even know why, or what happened. and isn't it always the case. nice words are bull shit. nobody meant it in the first place. when you make a promise, you always meant to break it. there's not a single person out there who would live up to his words. so why listen? why do you accept someone else's promise. why are you so dumb. don't you ever learn. from so many times. they will paint you such a lovely picture. even before they can know you. they would say they can bring the moon for you. and you believed? don't you know that behind those words are evil intention my dearest quail. such evil intention, such deadly intention. your heart will be ripped and you will bleed to death.

and sitting there in that waterfall, basking in the waterfall, he walks over "i promise to take care of you, and never hurt you" and he strokes you gently.

run, run, run.

"go away, go away don't kill me" you kneel down to plead.

*crack* *phalt*

dead liveless heartless devoid

and i am finally back from overseas! the training was well tough. its bearable for most people but a few of my friends collapsed. one had a very bad cut. but overall it was an amazing experience. being thrown in the jungle for 5 days and told to survive with absolutely nothing at all is really quite tough. and this training really makes me appreciate the really simple things in life that we always take for granted. my blanket, food. and we also realised that a man's need is not sex but food. we were really starving. and to make things worse, we could only talk about food the whole day, not that we were suppose to meet up with one another to talk. haha. and in the night, it keeps raining, and it is so cold, we were all shivering like chicken on the chopping board.

speaking of which. i killed a quail. it was not the nicest thing i have done in my life and i most sincerely hope that i do not ever do such stuff again. it was really er gross. the blood kinda spilled onto my pants. argh. not too much details here, just that we had to remove the head in one smooth motion, so that the quail doesn't suffer. then i had to skin it and remove the innards. but the heart was still beating when i looked into the organs. eeeeeks. then there was a demostration on killing a rabbit. gross!!!!

but i'm back now, in civilisation, ever more appreciative of singapore and all the things we have here. having great food the whole day liaoz. and i'm going out with daddy soon! update more guys!