goodbye

rainbows

a friend of mine, R, said this on facebook, "If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain," and i thought i would share this with all of you.

robin and batman

was out walking around after yoga and saw the cutest tee shirt. robin and batman, k i s s i n g! wasn't quite expecting to see that in a place like Singapore, was more than pleasantly surprised. would have gotten it in a heartbeat, but the price tag of $49 meant that I should re-consider, afterall first jobbers ARE poorer than students.

and of course mommy who usually throws tantrums if i buy more than 1 top a month. yes i know i'm 26, but you don't know my mom.

sweet

desserts after lunch at candlenut, a new nonya restaurant near my workplace, which is unusual really, because i don't really like sweet things, i like bitter things. bitter coffee, bitter ice cream, and what have you. a friend once commented: "life is already bitter, why would want to make it bitter even with ice cream?"

so on this odd occasion, i decided to have something sweet.

Note to self:

I will be a good person with and be kind whenever I can.

I will not be angry and be patient in everything that I do.

My motivation will be respectable and not deplorable.

It's Sunday

And for that very few who now know, I hate sundays.

watch

These walls I've built

are so high and impenetrable, there's probably only one person with a higher wall that I know. And there's only one person who can make these walls come crashing down with only one look to my eyes.

My life thus far...

has been busy. Really busy because work's a very good distraction and a very excuse for everything else that I don't want to discuss, talk, or do. Its simple really. Just blame it on work. "I've gotta work," and its done. And truth to be told, I've really got to.

Because really, its just easier to run away and escape. Why even bother to deal with it. We all know what is the life of a gay men:

Teenage years: Fall head over heels in love many times

20s: Continuing falling in and out of love, but getting so jaded

30s: Work so hard and then wonder why we are working so hard for

40s: Feeling all empty and lonely

50s: Be the rich god father and uncles to our fag hag's daughter

60s - 70s: Wait to die lonely, no kids, no friends, no family left. At least let me die with dignity and not be shitting in my pants without any control.

So if I know that is what's coming up, I should just save myself the heartache. Why bother right? So here's to working my ass off and dying of exhaustion and getting all the material things that I want. At least you know that physical material products last longer than human love.

Salut!

which we all know its french for hi! =)

So today, we went to sign up for our French lesson! So excited about this. I'll be on the beginners class and this will be once a week, 3 hour per lesson for 8 weeks. And there'll be a test at the end. So hopefully in a years time, after like 6 modules or something like that, I will be able to understand and speak some basic french.

Watch out France!!!

New layout

Like FINALLY! Are you sick and tired of the old blog layout and the lack of exciting updates?

I mean, it bores me to read it. I reckon my archives were much more interesting. Because its a place where my memories are kept. And now looking back at them, it fills with me with nostalgia. To know just what my life was like. Things I remember, things I don't.

Life.

我爱台北，台北爱我！

I went to Taipei, and boy did I love that place! And here's a preview till I get sometime to update with more photos.

{Coffee at 西门丁, they won Taiwan's coffee competition!}

那就这样吧

新年快乐！

Its Chinese New Year! Its kinda my favourite time of the year, because its a time for family. Its also a time where I actually get to clean my room! And make everything nice and pretty. But ok, I am honestly a lot less superficial than that.

This CNY was spent with the usual reunion dinner at my gramps. Its always nice to see grandma, and I should really make an effort to visit at least once a month. For all the volunteer work that I do, I sure should also visit my grandma! She's getting on her years and her eyesight is not doing as well anymore. I will cherish all the time that I have and visit. What was the slightly more disappointing thing, is that reunion dinner is no longer something the extended family look towards. I still remember when I was a kid, I really looked forward to visiting my grandparents, but as we grew older, things changed.

I can't really pinpoint what happened, but I suppose a great deal had to do with 2 of my relatives having gone through a divorce, well technically one, but the other family is very dysfunctional and estranged from us. The family that has been through the divorce is still very close to our family, which is very heartening. But I suppose as we grew older, we all began to lead our own lives, and the increasingly infrequent meet-ups drifted us apart.

But its funny really, because I am much closer to my god-cousins. Maybe because our background are more similar? Or that we don't have the "burden" of being real cousins? I am not sure. I am only close to one of my real cousins. We hang out now and then, we share secrets, and just muse about life in general, and its all good. But of course there has been disappointing moments in all familial relationships, but that of course won't be shared here.

This new year, I went back to Malaysia to visit my maternal side of the family, and I must say that this is one of the best trips I've had so far. I am not really close to my maternal cousins at all, because we were brought up in very different background. But I think things are improving, we are getting closer, and my Aunt has become more sincere over the years. We even had a ton of fun at KTV, singing and drinking away. How AWESOME is that? I must say that for once, I look forward to heading back.

To end, here's a snap of me in my lovely New Year Clothes!!

I've got the new Facebook layout!!

And January 2010 is over

just like that. Its unbelievable actually, how fast life zooms by especially when one gets into the rat race of life. I can't remember when or how, but slowly, i feel less and less of a want to put down my thoughts. even on my paper diary. it just sorta happened. Even as I am typing this. I wonder, why do i not keep it all inside, why should I even record my thoughts. But these things its hard to say really. I enjoy reading all my old post, cause I like to look back, and read what I was thinking back in the days. What were my motivations, who I was, how much have I changed, have i grown. All this questions, my little blog here documents. All these answers, my little blog here reveals.

To me, as much as to you my (very few) dear readers.

So the cumulation of many events had led me think about life, and what exactly do I want in life. I had a revelation recently, that I am more competitive than ambitious. And that is not good, because my motivation is thus more external than internal. That all that i work hard to is so that I can be better than someone else. Instead I should be more ambitious, in that I make goals that I want myself to achieve, and not because I am comparing against someone else.

Which led me to think, what do I really want for myself? Somewhere along life, I got lost, and now I think i am even more lost than when I began. I have always been filled with lofty ambitions and ideals. Dreams that are so big I believe that I can change the world. If you remember not too long ago, the series of events that I was involved in.

But what about now?

I can't seem to see beyond the immediate few years. I suddenly totally know all the material things that I want, I can tell you exactly! But why have I become like that? I secretly know why. Why suddenly its all about the money. Why I am so hung up about it. Now that I know it, I need to do something about it. Because its not right. Its not right to be comfortable. I need to remind myself how upset i feel everytime I come back to this country.

This country that breaks my heart, that everywhere I look, i see prisons. People being imprisoned by a comfortable life, with no other wants, no other dreams. Nothing. HDB, 2 kids and a car. Period. That thought scares me.

If only it is enough to scare me to do something about it.

The Broken Road

Been listening to the piano version over and over, and I remembered you sent me this song, to let me know that the road to each other was tough and filled with many obstacles, but we found each other. We could finally stop looking around and now we could rest and rely on each other.

We've had great times and not so great times. Life's a marathon, and all the not-so-good times are there to make us tougher, so that we can weather bigger storms together. As long as I am holding your hands, I know even the harshest weather, we can face them head on.

Reading back our blog, from the first post of the time capsule till now, I never forgot how and why I fell in love with you, and how and why you fell in love with me. I will find the strength to keep me going, and the strength to be your pillar that you can rely on. And as and when I don't have the strength anymore, at least we have each other to lean on, and that will be infallible. Like the letter A. If you look at it carefully, its 2 pillar leaning on each other, holding hands.


The original song:

”一定会是我“

你说听了歌，会哭。但是我说我没有。就算有，也不会让你知道。

你说：“可惜不是你”，我却偷偷的说：“一定会是我”。

牵了你那小小的手，也牵了4年了。你的好，你的坏，你的美，你的不完美，我还不了解吗？我也很清楚知道你是多么的了解我。我懂你知道，但我不懂你懂我知道吗？

有哭吗？我说我没有。你懂我有吗？

我好想好想好想你。也是多么多么的爱你。你快点把该做的事做完，把论文写好，赶快回来。因为你深爱的男孩已经不行了，他想你想到都不能呼吸了。

“一定会是我，一定会是我“

想念是会呼吸的痛

After a very hard day at work, I just want to come home and see you. But you are not here anymore. I haven't seen your face for almost a month now. How are you?

The past few weeks have been crazy, and I just want to tell you that I've been a good boy. I want to tell you that I've been taking care of myself, I have been having my meals, though not always on time. I had a haircut today and it looks very nice. There are so many more things I want to share with you.

I miss you so much, I miss just being able to call you at the end of the day to talk to you, and have a chat. I miss just seeing your face and your smiles. I miss just being together with you.

I believe love can move the mountains.

I Love You. The you with all the your flaws, all of our differences, and everything else.