Sep 29, 2003
this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain. he only knows one way out of it. but he doesn't want to do it anymore. because it will hurt everybody around him. it'll make everybody upset. so this angry boy sits and fidgets and slowly starts tearing. this boy's lost. he's so undeserving. why get upset for him? he doesn't even know what's he's doing anymore, just that he knows there are some things that has to be done. its so easy to put the blame from him, and so easy to take the blame away. but don't. he's at fault. yes this angry boy's at fault. so step forward now and slap him. there are many things he can't really say, in fact there are many things he can't say because some time back, someone sewed his mouth with Empty Promises. and now this boy's trying to make sense of the world and what exactly he is doing. but please don't feel anything for this boy, because he's Undeserving. this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain.
Sep 25, 2003
mygod, i am feeling so tired. my whole body is aching. this is unbecoming of a teenager like me. its all because of all the 'sai-kang' i have to do, and i took ippt yesterday. don't ask, i just lost $100 because i was a nice guy and i was trying to help my friend pass it. and then i had to much things to carry around so tired.
voices in my head again. and i don't wanna hear it. it would be so much easier to shut them up and say nothing and just do things nice and slow. but it just doesn't happen. i am never much of a guy to plan. in fact other than setting a general goal for myself say 5 years down the road. then that's it not much specific goals. i prefer to take life a step at a time and enjoy what i can. honestly. this is not to say i am a very unorganised person. recently i have taken a few steps to make my room neater and organise my time properly. but it doesn't change me, i'm still me!
love is so messy and complicated. sigh. if only pple don't think so much and just take things as they come. but i guess that's what makes it love in the first place.
i have some stupid dinner tonight. so will be endin late, AGAIN. so much things to lug home......
voices in my head again. and i don't wanna hear it. it would be so much easier to shut them up and say nothing and just do things nice and slow. but it just doesn't happen. i am never much of a guy to plan. in fact other than setting a general goal for myself say 5 years down the road. then that's it not much specific goals. i prefer to take life a step at a time and enjoy what i can. honestly. this is not to say i am a very unorganised person. recently i have taken a few steps to make my room neater and organise my time properly. but it doesn't change me, i'm still me!
love is so messy and complicated. sigh. if only pple don't think so much and just take things as they come. but i guess that's what makes it love in the first place.
i have some stupid dinner tonight. so will be endin late, AGAIN. so much things to lug home......
Sep 23, 2003
what a day what a day. finally got my mess straightened out, now its my hair left.... ok i'll stop it. things are getting better, and clearer. cleared the air with alvin. i'm so glad i did. i was feeling so lousy. and it was such a dramatic day. but i'm not gonna comment much on my side of things. just that it was nice. and i had dinner at werner's where they really have such delicious cheesecake. so delicious alvin almost had an orgasm on it. i am serious! he really did almost have one.
the poor boy colin (hey pull yourself together, cheer up and save your comp at all cost!) well we have to be practical here. give him a date. tell him gently that you'll be off by then, but you'll be hanging around to help him soften the impact, and that he might have another chance if he lets you go, after you cool down maybe (yes its good to lie once awhile esp if its a white lie). in the meantime, just you know be nice. we'll always be here.
and i did the most terrible thing today, though i'm not going to say it. the powerbook is out! the new 15inch powerbook. i'm so in love with it. i'll post the pics tmr. i'm so going to add it to my wishlist. ahhh. and hello kor, so glad things are ok now. work hard at it and don't disappoint him! signing off, ippt tomorrow
the poor boy colin (hey pull yourself together, cheer up and save your comp at all cost!) well we have to be practical here. give him a date. tell him gently that you'll be off by then, but you'll be hanging around to help him soften the impact, and that he might have another chance if he lets you go, after you cool down maybe (yes its good to lie once awhile esp if its a white lie). in the meantime, just you know be nice. we'll always be here.
and i did the most terrible thing today, though i'm not going to say it. the powerbook is out! the new 15inch powerbook. i'm so in love with it. i'll post the pics tmr. i'm so going to add it to my wishlist. ahhh. and hello kor, so glad things are ok now. work hard at it and don't disappoint him! signing off, ippt tomorrow
come on baby, its your first few steps you can do it.
slowly now, yes left then right. slowly forward.
sweet little thing, yes thats right that's
so fucking wrong you little bastard,why did you have to come to this world.
i'll strangle you to death. i hate you. i hate you, oh and are you trying to take your first step?
you think you can do it, you tiny little bitch. who's son are you anyway. i'll
love you like you're my most precious thing. because you are. why did you fall?
oh look you are bruising now. looks bad, goodness it doesn't look like fall, did someone
go to hell. is 2 kicks enough? how bout another punch? ow, poor little baby's crying. so sad, i am so hurt you know. and what are you crying about? you think you are having a hard time, do you wanna try to be mummy?
oh my darling, why are you crying so bad. don't cry now, mummy's crying too. don't cry, i said don't cry. shut up, shut up. SHUT UP, don't scream, stop shouting, stop crying. stop yelling stop stop stop stop stop stop stopped.
slowly now, yes left then right. slowly forward.
sweet little thing, yes thats right that's
so fucking wrong you little bastard,why did you have to come to this world.
i'll strangle you to death. i hate you. i hate you, oh and are you trying to take your first step?
you think you can do it, you tiny little bitch. who's son are you anyway. i'll
love you like you're my most precious thing. because you are. why did you fall?
oh look you are bruising now. looks bad, goodness it doesn't look like fall, did someone
go to hell. is 2 kicks enough? how bout another punch? ow, poor little baby's crying. so sad, i am so hurt you know. and what are you crying about? you think you are having a hard time, do you wanna try to be mummy?
oh my darling, why are you crying so bad. don't cry now, mummy's crying too. don't cry, i said don't cry. shut up, shut up. SHUT UP, don't scream, stop shouting, stop crying. stop yelling stop stop stop stop stop stop stopped.
its like threading carefully through a spiderweb. slowly but surely you make your way through, always believing that you won't get caught, just because. but then you started to run. and you trip. and you struggle. only to find yourself more entwined in the web. and the more you struggle, the more trapped you become. and eventually you can only lie there, caccooned. and she slowly makes her way over, eyeing you with every intention. slowly sinking her fangs into your neck. the world fades and.
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messy messy. its messier than my hair. goodness and is that even possible, i mean my hair (ok sorry being so blonde) right. i suppose its just me and my issues (do i sound like a girl yet?). i'm a guy with many hang-ups and issues. and it has surfaced again. but well i don't even know how to put it down nicely without sounding like an absolute bitch (like since when am i not one). is the paranthesis thingy getting irritating? crap i am rambling.
on another note. colin is over here now. facing many problems in his life, and i'm gonna be helping him out. that poor boy. he's gotta learn how to stand up for himself. and learn to be independent and how to face the world alone. got my tarot cards yesterday, and i'm gonna embark on a journey for more self discovery. went to new age circle with clayton cos he's kinda into such things too and that well that. meeting al later too for moving of stuff. sigh sigh sigh. i need a hair straightener!! to sort out the mess in my hair and my life. sigh!
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messy messy. its messier than my hair. goodness and is that even possible, i mean my hair (ok sorry being so blonde) right. i suppose its just me and my issues (do i sound like a girl yet?). i'm a guy with many hang-ups and issues. and it has surfaced again. but well i don't even know how to put it down nicely without sounding like an absolute bitch (like since when am i not one). is the paranthesis thingy getting irritating? crap i am rambling.
on another note. colin is over here now. facing many problems in his life, and i'm gonna be helping him out. that poor boy. he's gotta learn how to stand up for himself. and learn to be independent and how to face the world alone. got my tarot cards yesterday, and i'm gonna embark on a journey for more self discovery. went to new age circle with clayton cos he's kinda into such things too and that well that. meeting al later too for moving of stuff. sigh sigh sigh. i need a hair straightener!! to sort out the mess in my hair and my life. sigh!
Sep 22, 2003
Sep 21, 2003
i've so much to say to you. yet i can't find a single word to express it. in my head, i hear your voice, and i end up talking to you for hours, yet when i dial your number, and you eventually pick up, i can only whimper away, not knowing what to say, other than "how are you" and every single phrase that i rehearse in my head, every single word that i want to tell you, just gets lost. i long for you and crave for the day when i can actually see your face again. but i don't want to see you. i don't want to go near you because i know you'll hurt me, you'll kill my soul. and i would bleed, i would lie on the floor in my pool of blood, crying helplessly, screaming out in silent. because you can't hear me, because you can't care, because you couldn't care. the scars that you left in my heart, on my hands can never go away. never fade. you went away. and as you went away, you left me binded and bound by your empty promises. i'm never the same again.
and as i lie naked and torned, and my heart ripped out in full glory of the world, i can't stop thinking of you. won't you please say something. the silent in deafening. 5 months ago you told me you would try to settle down and you won't break my heart. 5 months later, when i asked you how could u bear to hurt me. SILENT. won't you let me know what is going through your mind? i miss you terribly, so much that i tear in public now and then, but i won't let you see my tears, because you don't care.
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don't ask, if you needed to know i would have told you. and you referring to generic you not any specific you. i need to breathe.
and as i lie naked and torned, and my heart ripped out in full glory of the world, i can't stop thinking of you. won't you please say something. the silent in deafening. 5 months ago you told me you would try to settle down and you won't break my heart. 5 months later, when i asked you how could u bear to hurt me. SILENT. won't you let me know what is going through your mind? i miss you terribly, so much that i tear in public now and then, but i won't let you see my tears, because you don't care.
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don't ask, if you needed to know i would have told you. and you referring to generic you not any specific you. i need to breathe.
Sep 18, 2003
ok ok here are the photos of my bottle!
yes that's my bottle! isn't it absolutely cute. i think its cuter than me. haha. and that's the sign we bought for alvin's car. well if you can't really see it clearly, it says horn not working, watch for finger. i think its totally hilarious. yes that's alvin for those who don't already know.
went to work today with my bottle and well i kinda kept gushing over my new bottle to everybody. most of them were quite amused by my behaviour. well it must have been quite a sight to see a guy gush at a water bottle. nothing much at work actually. met an old friend had tea and some sort of a dinner. but the best thing was that i got to sit behind the wheels of her rover 75. WOW.
thinking about alot of things but i am far too tired to put them down into words. and i don't think i can even begin to conceive the words i need to express how i feel. the boiling emotions are far more complicated than a witch's brew.
yes that's my bottle! isn't it absolutely cute. i think its cuter than me. haha. and that's the sign we bought for alvin's car. well if you can't really see it clearly, it says horn not working, watch for finger. i think its totally hilarious. yes that's alvin for those who don't already know.
went to work today with my bottle and well i kinda kept gushing over my new bottle to everybody. most of them were quite amused by my behaviour. well it must have been quite a sight to see a guy gush at a water bottle. nothing much at work actually. met an old friend had tea and some sort of a dinner. but the best thing was that i got to sit behind the wheels of her rover 75. WOW.
thinking about alot of things but i am far too tired to put them down into words. and i don't think i can even begin to conceive the words i need to express how i feel. the boiling emotions are far more complicated than a witch's brew.
Sep 17, 2003
back online! jus came back home from a little shopping trip with alvin (the other one) - sorry i thought i jus needed to let people know, hope it doesn't come across sounding rude. was doing some shopping for sharon's birthday hehe. that poor girl, hope she is doing alright. i am seriously wondering if there are any people other than 4 people i know who are reading this. watched turn left turn right yesterday even with alvin and company. it was such a great show. its simple, the ending was crappy, but nonetheless it still manages to evoke much emotions. i teared. in fact i've been tearing quite a bit this few days. nothing that drastic, just some lingering emotions. its just so hard to put things down. how do i evene begin? its stinks you know. i feel so lost, so confused, so cheated, so torn. i feel so vulnerable, so naked. sigh.
on the brighter side. i went SHOPPING! er, yes again. i didn't go on a buying spree, but i jus decided to buy a sigg water bottle. oh my god the water bottle is so cute *gushes gushes* will post up the picture later. had quite an embarrasing day today. much about cheesecakes and escalators that went the wrong direction. hahahaha another long and tiring day tomorrow, cos of a course to conduct. i'll go bathe for now and post the photo with a short update later.
on the brighter side. i went SHOPPING! er, yes again. i didn't go on a buying spree, but i jus decided to buy a sigg water bottle. oh my god the water bottle is so cute *gushes gushes* will post up the picture later. had quite an embarrasing day today. much about cheesecakes and escalators that went the wrong direction. hahahaha another long and tiring day tomorrow, cos of a course to conduct. i'll go bathe for now and post the photo with a short update later.
May 6, 2003
my previous post which i typed during one of my most terrible hours was not posted. but i saved it and am wondering if i should put it up. actually i think i should cos this is what i felt like 3 days ago.
may 4th 2002
it has all boiled down to nothing. absolutely nothing at all. and yesterday i just sat down in the middle of nowhere and cried my heart out. i have never cried so much since jason 2 years ago. in fact i think it was just as bad. i couldn't even talk or walk properly. and thank god my jackknife wasn't with me. nothing much to be said though. just that it sums up that i'm a loser in love. and that most people take me as a toy "play with me when u have the time, hugs and kisses included batteries not needed" you know. it was too traumatising. but i'm ok now. and after all those promises, someone slowly wakes you up to reality and reminds you that promises are meant to be broken.i mean whats there left to believe in anymore?
and after all that i'm back at where i am 2 years ago when i am totally disillusioned. left with a shattered heart that is beyond any fixing. so tired of it all. it suddenly seems that nothing lasts anymore. but i'm ok. life goes on no matter what happens, bleeding wrist, tearing eyes, broken heart, one still has to go on with life. nobody waits and nobody cares. so that sums it up. if u want to talk to me about it, please do, but i've told you what you need to know so don't ask the same things.
but now i'm feeling very fine. met up with mel yesterday, talked and exchanged some views and returned some stuff. then it was time to say goodbye. the first few steps were particularly hard to take and tears were welling up in both of us, but i did walk off gracefully. and then suddenly, like some strange spell has been casted, i felt very happy, like a sorta release from something. i mean i was still feeling sad. it was sorta mix feeling. but i'm ok now. feeling yellow!!!
so things with mel have now been cleared and settled and we're still great friends. and now there's alvin. ahhh. don't think i did update any of you guys about alvin. well long story there, but trying to settle things too. not in the bad way though. hahahahah i need a hug
may 4th 2002
it has all boiled down to nothing. absolutely nothing at all. and yesterday i just sat down in the middle of nowhere and cried my heart out. i have never cried so much since jason 2 years ago. in fact i think it was just as bad. i couldn't even talk or walk properly. and thank god my jackknife wasn't with me. nothing much to be said though. just that it sums up that i'm a loser in love. and that most people take me as a toy "play with me when u have the time, hugs and kisses included batteries not needed" you know. it was too traumatising. but i'm ok now. and after all those promises, someone slowly wakes you up to reality and reminds you that promises are meant to be broken.i mean whats there left to believe in anymore?
and after all that i'm back at where i am 2 years ago when i am totally disillusioned. left with a shattered heart that is beyond any fixing. so tired of it all. it suddenly seems that nothing lasts anymore. but i'm ok. life goes on no matter what happens, bleeding wrist, tearing eyes, broken heart, one still has to go on with life. nobody waits and nobody cares. so that sums it up. if u want to talk to me about it, please do, but i've told you what you need to know so don't ask the same things.
but now i'm feeling very fine. met up with mel yesterday, talked and exchanged some views and returned some stuff. then it was time to say goodbye. the first few steps were particularly hard to take and tears were welling up in both of us, but i did walk off gracefully. and then suddenly, like some strange spell has been casted, i felt very happy, like a sorta release from something. i mean i was still feeling sad. it was sorta mix feeling. but i'm ok now. feeling yellow!!!
so things with mel have now been cleared and settled and we're still great friends. and now there's alvin. ahhh. don't think i did update any of you guys about alvin. well long story there, but trying to settle things too. not in the bad way though. hahahahah i need a hug
Mar 28, 2003
its been so long since i last posted anything. it really makes me wonder if anybody is still reading this blog. to my horror i just, like just, realised i can't even remember how my page looks like. well its just that army (particularly bmt phase) is exceptionally busy. most of the weekends are spent out. there isn't really much time to update this blog at all. and as usual my language probably went down the dumps. people do get stupid in army. haha, actually a large part depends on the individual, whether he is willing to continue reading and all.
looking at my previous post, i realised how much i've grown throughout army. yes in the army life is disciplined and strict. but sometimes there's a need for it. not that i am agreeing that it should always be so disciplined but that my view was too myopic back then. the facilities, well we are finally allowed to use them towards the later part of bmt, but then most of us don't use them anyway. and being a lowly clerk and driver, well that idea has pretty much gone out of my head - although it is still attractive. i mean if i can go through it and be pilot, why not? it sure sounds a lot better than a clerk or driver. in life, we have to try our best. since ns has taken 2 years away from us, why not take something back and learn a thing or 2 in ns right?
and me and mel; well we did not quite survive. long story but things are fine. i learnt how to live on and move on with life. one cannot let situation take control of you.
so its a week break for me. you guys will be seeing more of me from now on liaoz!@!!
looking at my previous post, i realised how much i've grown throughout army. yes in the army life is disciplined and strict. but sometimes there's a need for it. not that i am agreeing that it should always be so disciplined but that my view was too myopic back then. the facilities, well we are finally allowed to use them towards the later part of bmt, but then most of us don't use them anyway. and being a lowly clerk and driver, well that idea has pretty much gone out of my head - although it is still attractive. i mean if i can go through it and be pilot, why not? it sure sounds a lot better than a clerk or driver. in life, we have to try our best. since ns has taken 2 years away from us, why not take something back and learn a thing or 2 in ns right?
and me and mel; well we did not quite survive. long story but things are fine. i learnt how to live on and move on with life. one cannot let situation take control of you.
so its a week break for me. you guys will be seeing more of me from now on liaoz!@!!
Feb 1, 2003
army is soo tiring. everything they say and do is just a facade. like there's a canteen and a playroom where recruits are given the oppurtunity to relax. yes there are such facilities, but we can't use it. we are not allowed to use it. sheeesh. in the airforce, all trainees are allowed to go to tv room and view cable on the projection tv.... yar. argh, i so hate all the regimentation and all the spasticated rules and discipline. i am one who doesn't like nor can stand conformity (if that word exist). i mean singapore is encouraging creativity, individuality, and whatever; then you dump all the guys into an instituition that makes everything the same. and i mean everything. including how the clothes are folded and arranged. wow, how creative. we are asked to use our initiative in the army. just that whenever you use it, you get punished. if u don't u get punished too. hrmm.
i so wanted to get out of army, i so want to be a lowly clerk and just complete the liabilities, so that i can have more time to see him and my family. also i am quite afraid of accidents and i am just being a coward. but had a talk with darrell and he told me to just go and be a man and push myself till i can't take it. till then, should i decide to declare then it would be more justified. if i do it now, i might regret. makes sense.. so i would go on and try and that one year in australia, its a good test. if we survive, then it says alot about me and mel =p
i so wanted to get out of army, i so want to be a lowly clerk and just complete the liabilities, so that i can have more time to see him and my family. also i am quite afraid of accidents and i am just being a coward. but had a talk with darrell and he told me to just go and be a man and push myself till i can't take it. till then, should i decide to declare then it would be more justified. if i do it now, i might regret. makes sense.. so i would go on and try and that one year in australia, its a good test. if we survive, then it says alot about me and mel =p
Jan 31, 2003
and alas i am back home where i belong. note so self: army is not as nice as i think. i never thought i would be saying this, but my god, i love school and i would rather be going through some lit lessons or even econs tutorials. argh!!!! but then i am in the most "xiong" company. not like a certain mark and assorted SCHOLARS who are there. they get soooo much privileges, and all that crap. but i am too tired to type all that down now. just really happy i am back home, miss my family alot - one doesn't really cherish them til you spent a lot time apart. i am missing him alot. and most of the nights, i sleep with such a heavy heart. not because i am afraid i would lose him. i do admit that initially that was how i feel, but i realise we would make it, it just the distance apart that makes me miss him alot. oh well more updates tmr, gotta catch some much loved but missed sleep...
Jan 22, 2003
food for thought: the most obvious evidence that more intelligent lifeforms exist is the fact that they have not tried to contact us.
anyway am oen day away from my enlistment and i think i am actually quite excited about it. dyeing my hair back to its original colour, for fear of incuring the seargeant's wrath even before training starts. downloading a whole host of songs to add to my player, trying to get more underwear - don't want to wear the nice ones. thinkin about the future. should be quite fun i think.
the past few days have been quite good actually. spent time with him. thinkin about stuff and wondering why. he's been sweet, real sweet too. ah.
take care peeps, don't miss me too much!
anyway am oen day away from my enlistment and i think i am actually quite excited about it. dyeing my hair back to its original colour, for fear of incuring the seargeant's wrath even before training starts. downloading a whole host of songs to add to my player, trying to get more underwear - don't want to wear the nice ones. thinkin about the future. should be quite fun i think.
the past few days have been quite good actually. spent time with him. thinkin about stuff and wondering why. he's been sweet, real sweet too. ah.
take care peeps, don't miss me too much!
Jan 20, 2003
hey guys, this is going to be long, but if u do have the time, please take a look at it yarz? actually nobody reading this is homophobic, but just in case u are. anyway the following article is taken off www.fridae.com
The word homophobia was coined by psychologist George Weinberg in the late 1960s. Weinberg observed that many straight people at that time had a deep seated aversion to homosexual people, one that was irrational, and evidence of emotional or psychological flaws, as he explained in a recent interview on GayToday. (See bottom of page 3 for link to interview).
I realized that something else was going on � more than simple mis-education. This was some deep emotional misgiving these people had, some phobic dread. It seemed to me the problem was theirs, not the homosexual's. I knew a landlord who had two lesbians living on the 5th floor of his brownstone and he couldn't sleep at night at the thought they were up there making love, and obviously the problem was his, not theirs.
Today, though, the word homophobia has been thoroughly absorbed by gay rights and gay community rhetoric, and has come to have a far broader meaning. For example, when a friend of mine was unsuccessful in a recent job interview, he blamed the interviewer for being homophobic. Another time, when the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade was lashed by torrential rain, I overheard a spectator lament that God and/or Mother Nature were obviously feeling homophobic that day.
On a more serious note, though, a couple of gay murder trials in Sydney over the past few years have gone in the guilty defendants� favour when judges have sympathised with the �irrational response� (that is, hacking people limb from limb with a blunt knife after bashing them to death with a stone) generated by unwelcome homosexual advances.
Homophobia exists, but like a lot of buzzwords, seems to get over used by anyone and everyone � straight or gay, casual or official - who wants a quick, generally accepted excuse for anything.
Real homophobia � the kind described by Weinberg before most of us were born � is hard to get around, and it can be dangerous. We�re all familiar with the basic assumption that a great many people have that gay people are a little �less� than straight people. Even if they don�t have a strong sense of hatred that is expressed in moments of fatal violence, a big chunk of the general population consider all things gay to be totally left-of-centre, and something that�s able to be �tolerated�, but not much more.
Even in sophisticated, culturally progressive Western Europe, marriage and insurance rights for gay couples are brand new, and received with a schizo-mix of relief and scepticism. In Australia, the afore-mentioned Mardi Gras is a hugely popular, out in the open money-spinner, but equal civil rights for gays are still in the �developmental� stage. Gay culture has yet to establish a stable position within mainstream society � so it remains on the fringe � a suspicious, misunderstood thing.
As a result, around the world, homophobia is institutionalised � endorsed by governments, the education system, and the mainstream media. It creates an endless and impenetrable cycle of misinformation and �bad press�, that gives people a badly biased view of a lifestyle they have otherwise little contact with, and at the same time denies them any access to imagery or information that may balance out their points of view
For example, when Bangkok�s Babylon sauna was raided in December, armed soldiers, acting on behalf of the government�s new, fabulously named Ministry of Social and Moral Order, entered the premises accompanied by television news crews. When Thais sat down to that night�s TV news, they were shown how committed their elected leaders, who they trust know about these things, were to cleaning out Thai society from the bottom up.
Never mind that across town in Patpong, straight pimps drive their houses of prostitutes with iron fists, exploitation and unsafe sex, while the Babylon is an opulent sauna, with no organised prostitution, but plenty of condoms and positive information, present. Walk down Silom Road, the main road that feeds the Patpong district, and you get offered girls and drugs every other step. Go into the gay bars, and you do so of your own volition � no one drags you there, and once you are there, all the patrons kind of mind their own business. Nothing was mentioned about this contradiction on the news that night. Around the country, grandparents watching have their homophobic views confirmed, while children looking on have their first exposure to homosexuality, and it�s negative and scandalous. If the police need to be called, and if the national media cover the event unblinkingly, who at home can argue with the serious need to bust the Babylon?
I was present at Babylon on the night of the raid, and at the time the Social and Moral army arrived, I was having a lemonade and a quiet conversation with a German airline executive by the landscaped, chlorinated pool. A couple of other people were there, sunbaking and chatting. A previous raid the week before had closed the upstairs cruising section, but even before that, Babylon never struck me as being a cesspool of vice and drugs, on the contrary, it resembles a five star Koh Samui resort for gays. If you�ve ever been to a Club Med, you�ve seen the rampant cruising and one night stands that go on amongst the heterosexual guests at �places like that�. Babylon isn�t much different, except that instead of Club Med�s limbo contests, it has a pianist and a jazz singer in the coffee lounge, and plays movies like Before Night Falls instead of Star Wars: Episode II. Nevertheless, everyone at Babylon that afternoon was rounded up and made to give a � urine sample!
It�s not being overly dramatic to compare this to fascist Europe before and during the Second World War � the process is, fundamentally, the same. Continue to drive home the message that a certain group of society needs to be monitored for their subservience, deviance and threat to the good of the nation, and the bulk of the population will believe that group is really like that. Worse, that group will itself start to fray at the edges, unsettled by its poor treatment, lack of welcome, and collective self-doubt. This is what institutionalised homophobia is � an established and at times unnoticed deep-seated prejudice that has a staggeringly negative effect.
Why am I lined up and made to provide a urine sample? I�ve never done that before, except at the doctors, where I�ve paid for a voluntary examination. Do they urine test the thousands of johns fucking their way through a hundred girls a week in Patpong? (Just in case you�re wondering - no, they don�t.)
And this is where things, in my opinion, start to get nasty, with gay people themselves believing, from the earliest age, that they deserve this kind of disproportionate official treatment. I mean, when I go home for Christmas, and I sit around the dinner table with my family, I know that my straight brother has never been busted at a sauna and made to give a urine sample, and that people don�t stare at him like a freak when he shows affection to his date in a public place. It�s not that I feel like I don�t have a place at the dinner table, but I do classify myself as a more sexually suspect person � my sexuality is more significant in my life than my brother�s is in his, and for all the wrong reasons.
Whether I like it or not, and whether my sex life is more ribald and active than his (it is, by far, I must admit), people think of me, and other gay and lesbian people, as more �sexual� people than others. In turn, I expect � or maybe I�m just used to it - to be treated with moral suspicion, or negative attention. So when they come for the urine sample at the sauna, I don�t kick up a storm and become outraged, as much as I roll my eyes and think, �this is kind of interesting�, and share a giggle with the gay guy lined up next to me, knowing what a story it�ll make for my friends back home.
This kind of understated reaction doesn�t have to be a problem, but at its worst, can turn into the dreaded �internalised homophobia�, where gays and lesbians doubt their own worth, and live with the assumption that their sexuality places them at a dubious moral and social place. Does internalised homophobia exist, and if it does, how many of us suffer from this kind of lower self worth, without, often, even realising it?
If you work a meaningless job through the week then party all weekend on drugs (and sometimes have unsafe sex with a bunch of strangers), a lifestyle familiar to many gays and lesbians, is this just cool city living, or evidence that your expectations of yourself and your life are pretty low? If you end up in lousy relationships all the time, or never end up in a long-term relationship at all, scuttling most opportunities of monogamy and permanent partnership that come your way, is this evidence of your carefree, independent ways, or are you convinced on some subconscious level that you don�t deserve a partner, or that no partner in their right mind would want you? How do you have a successful partnership anyway, when the law prevents you from marrying, and social mores prevent you from showing affection in public? You end up with a �lover� not a spouse, and you can only show affection behind closed doors, where it won�t offend anyone.
However, plenty of straight people have low self-esteem, and train wreck lives, and they don�t � can�t � blame it all on homophobia. Neither, in my opinion, can gays and lesbians. There are other influences at work, and we all need to take responsibility for our adult selves, and see how we are implicated in our own fortune/misfortune. Institutionalised homophobia is a dangerous pain in the ass, but fighting for respect is only successful when you believe you really, really deserve it, not when you know you can invoke �homophobia� as the devil behind every problem. When you do that, you do the same as the Ministry of Social and Moral Order, simplifying an idea, and creating a demon out of nothing, and that doesn�t get anybody anywhere.
-------------------------------
well what a long article. but still it kinda reminds me that homophobia still exist, and that not alot of people are open to the idea. i mean i am rather affectionate to mel in public. but it is nothing amazingly open, just you know hug him or just put my arm round his shoulders. such a simple gesture would still lead to people talking behind us and giving us looks. i mean get over it, good friends do that too. but argh too tired to type out in details. laterz
The word homophobia was coined by psychologist George Weinberg in the late 1960s. Weinberg observed that many straight people at that time had a deep seated aversion to homosexual people, one that was irrational, and evidence of emotional or psychological flaws, as he explained in a recent interview on GayToday. (See bottom of page 3 for link to interview).
I realized that something else was going on � more than simple mis-education. This was some deep emotional misgiving these people had, some phobic dread. It seemed to me the problem was theirs, not the homosexual's. I knew a landlord who had two lesbians living on the 5th floor of his brownstone and he couldn't sleep at night at the thought they were up there making love, and obviously the problem was his, not theirs.
Today, though, the word homophobia has been thoroughly absorbed by gay rights and gay community rhetoric, and has come to have a far broader meaning. For example, when a friend of mine was unsuccessful in a recent job interview, he blamed the interviewer for being homophobic. Another time, when the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade was lashed by torrential rain, I overheard a spectator lament that God and/or Mother Nature were obviously feeling homophobic that day.
On a more serious note, though, a couple of gay murder trials in Sydney over the past few years have gone in the guilty defendants� favour when judges have sympathised with the �irrational response� (that is, hacking people limb from limb with a blunt knife after bashing them to death with a stone) generated by unwelcome homosexual advances.
Homophobia exists, but like a lot of buzzwords, seems to get over used by anyone and everyone � straight or gay, casual or official - who wants a quick, generally accepted excuse for anything.
Real homophobia � the kind described by Weinberg before most of us were born � is hard to get around, and it can be dangerous. We�re all familiar with the basic assumption that a great many people have that gay people are a little �less� than straight people. Even if they don�t have a strong sense of hatred that is expressed in moments of fatal violence, a big chunk of the general population consider all things gay to be totally left-of-centre, and something that�s able to be �tolerated�, but not much more.
Even in sophisticated, culturally progressive Western Europe, marriage and insurance rights for gay couples are brand new, and received with a schizo-mix of relief and scepticism. In Australia, the afore-mentioned Mardi Gras is a hugely popular, out in the open money-spinner, but equal civil rights for gays are still in the �developmental� stage. Gay culture has yet to establish a stable position within mainstream society � so it remains on the fringe � a suspicious, misunderstood thing.
As a result, around the world, homophobia is institutionalised � endorsed by governments, the education system, and the mainstream media. It creates an endless and impenetrable cycle of misinformation and �bad press�, that gives people a badly biased view of a lifestyle they have otherwise little contact with, and at the same time denies them any access to imagery or information that may balance out their points of view
For example, when Bangkok�s Babylon sauna was raided in December, armed soldiers, acting on behalf of the government�s new, fabulously named Ministry of Social and Moral Order, entered the premises accompanied by television news crews. When Thais sat down to that night�s TV news, they were shown how committed their elected leaders, who they trust know about these things, were to cleaning out Thai society from the bottom up.
Never mind that across town in Patpong, straight pimps drive their houses of prostitutes with iron fists, exploitation and unsafe sex, while the Babylon is an opulent sauna, with no organised prostitution, but plenty of condoms and positive information, present. Walk down Silom Road, the main road that feeds the Patpong district, and you get offered girls and drugs every other step. Go into the gay bars, and you do so of your own volition � no one drags you there, and once you are there, all the patrons kind of mind their own business. Nothing was mentioned about this contradiction on the news that night. Around the country, grandparents watching have their homophobic views confirmed, while children looking on have their first exposure to homosexuality, and it�s negative and scandalous. If the police need to be called, and if the national media cover the event unblinkingly, who at home can argue with the serious need to bust the Babylon?
I was present at Babylon on the night of the raid, and at the time the Social and Moral army arrived, I was having a lemonade and a quiet conversation with a German airline executive by the landscaped, chlorinated pool. A couple of other people were there, sunbaking and chatting. A previous raid the week before had closed the upstairs cruising section, but even before that, Babylon never struck me as being a cesspool of vice and drugs, on the contrary, it resembles a five star Koh Samui resort for gays. If you�ve ever been to a Club Med, you�ve seen the rampant cruising and one night stands that go on amongst the heterosexual guests at �places like that�. Babylon isn�t much different, except that instead of Club Med�s limbo contests, it has a pianist and a jazz singer in the coffee lounge, and plays movies like Before Night Falls instead of Star Wars: Episode II. Nevertheless, everyone at Babylon that afternoon was rounded up and made to give a � urine sample!
It�s not being overly dramatic to compare this to fascist Europe before and during the Second World War � the process is, fundamentally, the same. Continue to drive home the message that a certain group of society needs to be monitored for their subservience, deviance and threat to the good of the nation, and the bulk of the population will believe that group is really like that. Worse, that group will itself start to fray at the edges, unsettled by its poor treatment, lack of welcome, and collective self-doubt. This is what institutionalised homophobia is � an established and at times unnoticed deep-seated prejudice that has a staggeringly negative effect.
Why am I lined up and made to provide a urine sample? I�ve never done that before, except at the doctors, where I�ve paid for a voluntary examination. Do they urine test the thousands of johns fucking their way through a hundred girls a week in Patpong? (Just in case you�re wondering - no, they don�t.)
And this is where things, in my opinion, start to get nasty, with gay people themselves believing, from the earliest age, that they deserve this kind of disproportionate official treatment. I mean, when I go home for Christmas, and I sit around the dinner table with my family, I know that my straight brother has never been busted at a sauna and made to give a urine sample, and that people don�t stare at him like a freak when he shows affection to his date in a public place. It�s not that I feel like I don�t have a place at the dinner table, but I do classify myself as a more sexually suspect person � my sexuality is more significant in my life than my brother�s is in his, and for all the wrong reasons.
Whether I like it or not, and whether my sex life is more ribald and active than his (it is, by far, I must admit), people think of me, and other gay and lesbian people, as more �sexual� people than others. In turn, I expect � or maybe I�m just used to it - to be treated with moral suspicion, or negative attention. So when they come for the urine sample at the sauna, I don�t kick up a storm and become outraged, as much as I roll my eyes and think, �this is kind of interesting�, and share a giggle with the gay guy lined up next to me, knowing what a story it�ll make for my friends back home.
This kind of understated reaction doesn�t have to be a problem, but at its worst, can turn into the dreaded �internalised homophobia�, where gays and lesbians doubt their own worth, and live with the assumption that their sexuality places them at a dubious moral and social place. Does internalised homophobia exist, and if it does, how many of us suffer from this kind of lower self worth, without, often, even realising it?
If you work a meaningless job through the week then party all weekend on drugs (and sometimes have unsafe sex with a bunch of strangers), a lifestyle familiar to many gays and lesbians, is this just cool city living, or evidence that your expectations of yourself and your life are pretty low? If you end up in lousy relationships all the time, or never end up in a long-term relationship at all, scuttling most opportunities of monogamy and permanent partnership that come your way, is this evidence of your carefree, independent ways, or are you convinced on some subconscious level that you don�t deserve a partner, or that no partner in their right mind would want you? How do you have a successful partnership anyway, when the law prevents you from marrying, and social mores prevent you from showing affection in public? You end up with a �lover� not a spouse, and you can only show affection behind closed doors, where it won�t offend anyone.
However, plenty of straight people have low self-esteem, and train wreck lives, and they don�t � can�t � blame it all on homophobia. Neither, in my opinion, can gays and lesbians. There are other influences at work, and we all need to take responsibility for our adult selves, and see how we are implicated in our own fortune/misfortune. Institutionalised homophobia is a dangerous pain in the ass, but fighting for respect is only successful when you believe you really, really deserve it, not when you know you can invoke �homophobia� as the devil behind every problem. When you do that, you do the same as the Ministry of Social and Moral Order, simplifying an idea, and creating a demon out of nothing, and that doesn�t get anybody anywhere.
-------------------------------
well what a long article. but still it kinda reminds me that homophobia still exist, and that not alot of people are open to the idea. i mean i am rather affectionate to mel in public. but it is nothing amazingly open, just you know hug him or just put my arm round his shoulders. such a simple gesture would still lead to people talking behind us and giving us looks. i mean get over it, good friends do that too. but argh too tired to type out in details. laterz
Jan 15, 2003
wow!, its been quite sometime since i last blogged. in fact its been quite sometime since i did anything. i have been bumming around aimlessly. well can't really blame me since i am going to be in the army soon. like about slightly more than a week away. nothing big happened anyway just that i have pretty much decided to take up wicca, well not exactly take up wicca cos that is a religion, but it is not the same as taking up witchcraft either, cos witchcraft is the old religion; and wicca is like the new revised version to make practising it much safer for people in our generation. but not much people here know or would want to bothered by what i am talking about anyway.
the poor woman that died in the mrt accident, she was a teacher in mel's school. it came as a rather shocking news to me, cos i have been pretty much cooped up in orchard and hougang and nowhere near any newspaper. i speculate she must have been pushed down by the crowd. just like how i wouldn't surprise if someone get ran over by the mrt at jurong east. the crowd is just insane. they push and shove around like if they are the first to get into the train, they get a free chocalate. its such a mad rush. and just a couple of days back, i just lost my temper and screamed at the mass of minions, zerglings, whatever; and told them to get the F*** off and let us GET OUT OF THE DAMN TRAIN. they behave like there's gold in the train. i had to kick this idiot away. argh!!!! DISGUSTING SINGAPOREANS!!!!!!!!!!
the poor woman that died in the mrt accident, she was a teacher in mel's school. it came as a rather shocking news to me, cos i have been pretty much cooped up in orchard and hougang and nowhere near any newspaper. i speculate she must have been pushed down by the crowd. just like how i wouldn't surprise if someone get ran over by the mrt at jurong east. the crowd is just insane. they push and shove around like if they are the first to get into the train, they get a free chocalate. its such a mad rush. and just a couple of days back, i just lost my temper and screamed at the mass of minions, zerglings, whatever; and told them to get the F*** off and let us GET OUT OF THE DAMN TRAIN. they behave like there's gold in the train. i had to kick this idiot away. argh!!!! DISGUSTING SINGAPOREANS!!!!!!!!!!
Jan 10, 2003
my heart just shattered into pieces when i saw him yesterday. that silly boy went to cut himself because of me. becausee i did it. my god. he didn't just slash himself with my swissarmy blade (i thought he confiscated it for my own good), he took a pen knife and did multiple slashes at the same spot. i just wanted to scold him, but i realised i should be scolding myself instead. argh.. heartache! then we hung around for awhile before i had to leave with mommy for this workshop. at the station, he kinda put both his arms around my shoulder, and i was so tempted to hold his waist, but i didn't. anyhow, that got quite a number of stares. apparently there was this 2 girls who were quite amused. just wondering how open are people to the notion of homosexuality. i know that people of my/our generation are quite open about it, but just wondering what are going through people's mind when they see me and mel together. ladida.. got a date laterz going off liaoz...
Jan 7, 2003
jewel - break me
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns
Like any rose
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
With with the sharp end
Of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
That could save me
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again
Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your love again
Kiss me once
Or maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
So break me
Take me
Let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Just let me
Feel your love again
you tell me that i think too much. but can i not think? do you want really want me to have no expression and just go "ok". i am only human. if i am not the slightest bit bothered, then you should be very worried. because i am bothered it shows that i love you my dear. i think because i care.
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns
Like any rose
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
With with the sharp end
Of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
That could save me
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again
Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your love again
Kiss me once
Or maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
So break me
Take me
Let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Just let me
Feel your love again
you tell me that i think too much. but can i not think? do you want really want me to have no expression and just go "ok". i am only human. if i am not the slightest bit bothered, then you should be very worried. because i am bothered it shows that i love you my dear. i think because i care.
i am so tired now. but i don't think i can fall asleep. i am so afraid where my mind will bring me when i sleep. already the conscious mind is showing me things and bringing me places i don't want to see, don't want to know. in there, i see myself sitting down and watch my heart bleed to death, watch my soul drained by the tears. and i'm fallen and nobody is there to pick me up and catch me as i fall. and now i'm lying in my own pool of blood slowly losing my breath and all you can say is that you're bored and you need to sleep. but i don't want you to sleep. i want to talk. in a relationship, there must be communication. it is one of the important things that sustain a relationship. i don't want to sweep things under the carpet because i know that it will come back, someday. and my mind now is in a complete blank, and my heart is now dry, void of everything. and i'm lying here, dazed, not knowing what to do. would you just walk by and say something other than that? would you just hold my hands and talk to me? would you lift me away from here into the eternity where we belong? please....
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