sigh, i am going to book in soon. so sad. on such a nice weekend. i do wish there's a job on earth that doesn't require me to work. but such things don't really exist right? anyway i went to the holy innocent high's carnival just now. it wasn't fantastic but it was ok. we took the kid's swing and the machine couldn't start at first cos we were all too heavy. picture this, 7 teenagers on this swinging thingy that is meant for the kids. how hilarious! then we played some simple games and went to do other things. nothing much just played around like really big kids. frankie's new stead is cute and so is this glenn person. and so is me (er ok...) everybody was so evil today, kept making fun of me. my stupid godsisters started to call me sister instead of brothers cos they said i'm becoming alot more passive than last time. not my fault what, my stupid ex's fault. then i also need time to change one mahz

then now clay dear is sitting beside reading this also haha. he's so nice, came to pick me up and made everybody else jealous. went to watch IDENTITY. its not bad. really quite an unbelievable but great show. do watch. waiting for mommy to cook dinner now. smell something good cooking. one last dinner before i book into camp....... take care folks see you guys in a week's time

ladida. and i am back online again. went out the whole of yesterday with clayie dearest (i am suppose to call him that, hahah he was upset i called him clay only in the previous post). so it was a great day, we went shopping and we caught the movie matchstick men. it is a really good show. trust me, nicholas cage acting is really great. he's FANTASTIC. and the plot is wonderful, with quite an unexpected twist. loved it. was going to catch the park too but there wasn't really much time and i wasn't feeling at my best. in fact i was feeling quite giddy. for a full detailed and rated R account, please go to my dear's site. don't say i never warned you.

and yep was with chad and colin for awhile today. had a great time with chad when he was over at my place. taught me more about my tarot cards thing. and he gave me some tips and stuff, and he read about my lovelife. much shall be left unsaid but its not a bad thing.

ohohoh i will be all dressed up for next weekend, i would be meeting alanna for this little halloween thing. i so better look good. and also, i so love my new hair but i don't understand why the whole world prefer my previous hairstyle. they all think i look so much better and more drop-dead gorgeous with my previous hair :p i think i look more boyish with this current hair. anyway when people bring me out, does it really feel like bringing a little boy out (indignant look)?

but something happened, and i am very angry. yes the key word is very. rarely do i get so pissed, but this time i am majorly pissed. and i intend to do something about it. i am a scorpio and its not very nice to make scorpios angry. we are very nice people and as vengeful as they make us sound. we are not that vengeful. but yes, we have to potential to be very very evil. and i am going to be very very evil. don't say i didn't warn you. 18 years of my life, i have never been so pissed before. this time its personal! be warned

and yes i am going to turn in soon. just watched stephanie sun (yes i did make myself watch that show) and i must say that she did improve alot (though her fashion sense has ALOT more room for improvement). her songs are nice, but i still think they could do with better singers (note the word singer, it means people who SINGS). my sister told me not to count the amount of times she goes off tune, she didn't want me to tire myself. hahahaha. nite pple! i love you guys.

its deepavali!! and i am finally home! for those who wondered where on earth i have been? i've been confined for the past 2 weekends somewhere on this island. army, yes yes yes. sigh. and yes my paged got hacked into and there was nothing much i could do about it because i am not allowed to use the internet. actually there are places where we can access the internet provided that we have time, but you know how it is, there is never time.

anyway i came home a couple of days ago. why? because i fell very very sick. i was feverish for quite awhile, then my fever hit a new high the night before my field camp, so i was rushed to the medical centre and sent home after. then the next morning, my temperature went up to 39.6. WOW. yes i know, i wanted to check myself in to the hosp. but then after much ice (yes i did ice myself, literally, by soaking myself in ice) did my temperature drop. thank god. still a bit sick now, so much phelgm, and a terrible blocked nose.

ohohoh mark called!! chatted with that dear boy for over 40 mins. sweeet. its been almost 4 weeks since he left. ah, really nice to talk to him and all. and do you know what websites he visits over there in cambridge? trust me you can't ever imagine. lets just say its quite alternative. shudders. and the sounds he make when he's at those pages, shudder. ahahhahah. going out later with clay and gonna spend some time together. tomorrow will be out prob with chad, nigel and alanna??? alrighty, gotta go prepare liaoz. see you guys soon! and kor take care ok? anything you can always talk to me.

testing... lalalal my dear is now beside

yesterday was one of the most traumatising days of my live. the old alvin msged me to meet me and he stood me up. when he msged me, it just totally threw me off balance and i was like so ultimately distressed. i actually ran from marina square to suntec city to find him, cos he told me he was there and that he would meet me after he's done shopping at carrefour.turns out that he lied to me, which is not really much of a surprise really, since that is just so him. and alanna had to knock me to my senses asking me why am i even meeting him in the first place. knowing what he has done to me (this is so ironic). then i waited for him and alvin, the new one, told me that they jus bumped into him at marina square with one other guy. what a jerk. when i asked him abt it, he just switched off his phone and claimed that his batt went flat. so he couldn't call me to tell me he can't make it. so technically i should have known on my own psychic ability and went home. JERK. i dunno why i still behave like this. then clayton told me that from my actions yesterday, it is still very obvious i can't get over the old alvin. why why why.

then earlier in the day, as i decided to randomly walk in any direction to wherever after i shopped at the army market, i bumped into new alvin. wow. its like soo i dunno, too coincidence. he kinda called me and i turn and was kinda shocked to see him. exchanged pleasantries, was with huiyi see. so then we jus walked on in the damn hot sun, wondering at how amazing it was to have the both of us walking in any random direction and have to bump into him. then clayton got quite upset last night about the whole alvin (old) thingy. then today he kinda cried cos i'm going into camp tomorrow and i will be confined for 2 weekends. hrmm argh. what alot of things for one day. and alanna is also kinda right to say that all these happened because of my actions. but she's such a dear, she really cares alot for me, love ya alanna.

thats right folks i would be entering camp and confined for 2 weekends, so i wouldn't be blogging here for quite sometime. i would miss everybody. sigh this is so disgusting. i have been enjoying myself in airforce for more than half a year and now you expect me to go back into the disgusting n regimental army??!!!??!! ARGH...

i wanted to post the lyrics of a song, but i kinda forgotten which song it was. i feel wierd and strange. i feel like someone else. i don't feel right. honestly i have no idea what i'm doing. and maybe i shouldn't elaborate too much over here. think i'll shut up for awhile

i can't think straight (duhz)

hey, its been a couple of days since i posted anything. its more due to a lack of time than any other thing. regarding my previous post: things are not as dark and bleak as it seems, just that sometimes i feel like writing some incredibly morbid stuff (kinda like mark you know). but thanks guys for all your concern. i'm fine (i can't remember what it stands for already, but do watch the italian job to find out).

speaking of which, i caught the italian job. its a great show. the beginning was lousy and boring but the later parts were great. the car chases (with the absolutely gorgeous mini-cooper s) was simply breath-taking, and so was mark wahlberg (however you spell his name). drools. in fact i was screaming so much, over the mini cooper (yes i am not that shallow, thank you) that my friends were trying to shut me up. hahaha. do catch it.

went for my facial on monday, and it was terrible. one of my most painful experiences to date. seriously, in all honesty, cutting the wrist isn't even half as painful. hrmm hey maybe we should all do facials when we are feeling upset. get to look great after that, and its not self-injury. ok bad joke. oh oh oh oh i finally got hotel paper and BUDAK PANTAI!!!! they are soo good. please people, support local talents (yes note the wise choice of word, talent) which means please don't buy stephanie sun cos she is not a local TALENT (more of local bamboo that has been so heavily commercialised). budak pantai's budakamentary is a must buy. they've so much style wit and humour all injected into their songs. ahhh.. faints.

this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain. he only knows one way out of it. but he doesn't want to do it anymore. because it will hurt everybody around him. it'll make everybody upset. so this angry boy sits and fidgets and slowly starts tearing. this boy's lost. he's so undeserving. why get upset for him? he doesn't even know what's he's doing anymore, just that he knows there are some things that has to be done. its so easy to put the blame from him, and so easy to take the blame away. but don't. he's at fault. yes this angry boy's at fault. so step forward now and slap him. there are many things he can't really say, in fact there are many things he can't say because some time back, someone sewed his mouth with Empty Promises. and now this boy's trying to make sense of the world and what exactly he is doing. but please don't feel anything for this boy, because he's Undeserving. this angry boy's icing over a Secret Pain.

mygod, i am feeling so tired. my whole body is aching. this is unbecoming of a teenager like me. its all because of all the 'sai-kang' i have to do, and i took ippt yesterday. don't ask, i just lost $100 because i was a nice guy and i was trying to help my friend pass it. and then i had to much things to carry around so tired.

voices in my head again. and i don't wanna hear it. it would be so much easier to shut them up and say nothing and just do things nice and slow. but it just doesn't happen. i am never much of a guy to plan. in fact other than setting a general goal for myself say 5 years down the road. then that's it not much specific goals. i prefer to take life a step at a time and enjoy what i can. honestly. this is not to say i am a very unorganised person. recently i have taken a few steps to make my room neater and organise my time properly. but it doesn't change me, i'm still me!

love is so messy and complicated. sigh. if only pple don't think so much and just take things as they come. but i guess that's what makes it love in the first place.

i have some stupid dinner tonight. so will be endin late, AGAIN. so much things to lug home......

what a day what a day. finally got my mess straightened out, now its my hair left.... ok i'll stop it. things are getting better, and clearer. cleared the air with alvin. i'm so glad i did. i was feeling so lousy. and it was such a dramatic day. but i'm not gonna comment much on my side of things. just that it was nice. and i had dinner at werner's where they really have such delicious cheesecake. so delicious alvin almost had an orgasm on it. i am serious! he really did almost have one.

the poor boy colin (hey pull yourself together, cheer up and save your comp at all cost!) well we have to be practical here. give him a date. tell him gently that you'll be off by then, but you'll be hanging around to help him soften the impact, and that he might have another chance if he lets you go, after you cool down maybe (yes its good to lie once awhile esp if its a white lie). in the meantime, just you know be nice. we'll always be here.

and i did the most terrible thing today, though i'm not going to say it. the powerbook is out! the new 15inch powerbook. i'm so in love with it. i'll post the pics tmr. i'm so going to add it to my wishlist. ahhh. and hello kor, so glad things are ok now. work hard at it and don't disappoint him! signing off, ippt tomorrow

come on baby, its your first few steps you can do it.
slowly now, yes left then right. slowly forward.
sweet little thing, yes thats right that's

so fucking wrong you little bastard,why did you have to come to this world.
i'll strangle you to death. i hate you. i hate you, oh and are you trying to take your first step?
you think you can do it, you tiny little bitch. who's son are you anyway. i'll

love you like you're my most precious thing. because you are. why did you fall?
oh look you are bruising now. looks bad, goodness it doesn't look like fall, did someone

go to hell. is 2 kicks enough? how bout another punch? ow, poor little baby's crying. so sad, i am so hurt you know. and what are you crying about? you think you are having a hard time, do you wanna try to be mummy?

oh my darling, why are you crying so bad. don't cry now, mummy's crying too. don't cry, i said don't cry. shut up, shut up. SHUT UP, don't scream, stop shouting, stop crying. stop yelling stop stop stop stop stop stop stopped.

its like threading carefully through a spiderweb. slowly but surely you make your way through, always believing that you won't get caught, just because. but then you started to run. and you trip. and you struggle. only to find yourself more entwined in the web. and the more you struggle, the more trapped you become. and eventually you can only lie there, caccooned. and she slowly makes her way over, eyeing you with every intention. slowly sinking her fangs into your neck. the world fades and.
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messy messy. its messier than my hair. goodness and is that even possible, i mean my hair (ok sorry being so blonde) right. i suppose its just me and my issues (do i sound like a girl yet?). i'm a guy with many hang-ups and issues. and it has surfaced again. but well i don't even know how to put it down nicely without sounding like an absolute bitch (like since when am i not one). is the paranthesis thingy getting irritating? crap i am rambling.

on another note. colin is over here now. facing many problems in his life, and i'm gonna be helping him out. that poor boy. he's gotta learn how to stand up for himself. and learn to be independent and how to face the world alone. got my tarot cards yesterday, and i'm gonna embark on a journey for more self discovery. went to new age circle with clayton cos he's kinda into such things too and that well that. meeting al later too for moving of stuff. sigh sigh sigh. i need a hair straightener!! to sort out the mess in my hair and my life. sigh!

i have no idea how this say this or wot to say even. just that the words didn't come out the way it was supposes to. i am sorry i really am. i don't know what to do but just be here. please tell me if anything is wrong please.

i've so much to say to you. yet i can't find a single word to express it. in my head, i hear your voice, and i end up talking to you for hours, yet when i dial your number, and you eventually pick up, i can only whimper away, not knowing what to say, other than "how are you" and every single phrase that i rehearse in my head, every single word that i want to tell you, just gets lost. i long for you and crave for the day when i can actually see your face again. but i don't want to see you. i don't want to go near you because i know you'll hurt me, you'll kill my soul. and i would bleed, i would lie on the floor in my pool of blood, crying helplessly, screaming out in silent. because you can't hear me, because you can't care, because you couldn't care. the scars that you left in my heart, on my hands can never go away. never fade. you went away. and as you went away, you left me binded and bound by your empty promises. i'm never the same again.

and as i lie naked and torned, and my heart ripped out in full glory of the world, i can't stop thinking of you. won't you please say something. the silent in deafening. 5 months ago you told me you would try to settle down and you won't break my heart. 5 months later, when i asked you how could u bear to hurt me. SILENT. won't you let me know what is going through your mind? i miss you terribly, so much that i tear in public now and then, but i won't let you see my tears, because you don't care.
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don't ask, if you needed to know i would have told you. and you referring to generic you not any specific you. i need to breathe.

ok ok here are the photos of my bottle!








yes that's my bottle! isn't it absolutely cute. i think its cuter than me. haha. and that's the sign we bought for alvin's car. well if you can't really see it clearly, it says horn not working, watch for finger. i think its totally hilarious. yes that's alvin for those who don't already know.

went to work today with my bottle and well i kinda kept gushing over my new bottle to everybody. most of them were quite amused by my behaviour. well it must have been quite a sight to see a guy gush at a water bottle. nothing much at work actually. met an old friend had tea and some sort of a dinner. but the best thing was that i got to sit behind the wheels of her rover 75. WOW.

thinking about alot of things but i am far too tired to put them down into words. and i don't think i can even begin to conceive the words i need to express how i feel. the boiling emotions are far more complicated than a witch's brew.

back online! jus came back home from a little shopping trip with alvin (the other one) - sorry i thought i jus needed to let people know, hope it doesn't come across sounding rude. was doing some shopping for sharon's birthday hehe. that poor girl, hope she is doing alright. i am seriously wondering if there are any people other than 4 people i know who are reading this. watched turn left turn right yesterday even with alvin and company. it was such a great show. its simple, the ending was crappy, but nonetheless it still manages to evoke much emotions. i teared. in fact i've been tearing quite a bit this few days. nothing that drastic, just some lingering emotions. its just so hard to put things down. how do i evene begin? its stinks you know. i feel so lost, so confused, so cheated, so torn. i feel so vulnerable, so naked. sigh.

on the brighter side. i went SHOPPING! er, yes again. i didn't go on a buying spree, but i jus decided to buy a sigg water bottle. oh my god the water bottle is so cute *gushes gushes* will post up the picture later. had quite an embarrasing day today. much about cheesecakes and escalators that went the wrong direction. hahahaha another long and tiring day tomorrow, cos of a course to conduct. i'll go bathe for now and post the photo with a short update later.

testing

my previous post which i typed during one of my most terrible hours was not posted. but i saved it and am wondering if i should put it up. actually i think i should cos this is what i felt like 3 days ago.

may 4th 2002
it has all boiled down to nothing. absolutely nothing at all. and yesterday i just sat down in the middle of nowhere and cried my heart out. i have never cried so much since jason 2 years ago. in fact i think it was just as bad. i couldn't even talk or walk properly. and thank god my jackknife wasn't with me. nothing much to be said though. just that it sums up that i'm a loser in love. and that most people take me as a toy "play with me when u have the time, hugs and kisses included batteries not needed" you know. it was too traumatising. but i'm ok now. and after all those promises, someone slowly wakes you up to reality and reminds you that promises are meant to be broken.i mean whats there left to believe in anymore?

and after all that i'm back at where i am 2 years ago when i am totally disillusioned. left with a shattered heart that is beyond any fixing. so tired of it all. it suddenly seems that nothing lasts anymore. but i'm ok. life goes on no matter what happens, bleeding wrist, tearing eyes, broken heart, one still has to go on with life. nobody waits and nobody cares. so that sums it up. if u want to talk to me about it, please do, but i've told you what you need to know so don't ask the same things.

but now i'm feeling very fine. met up with mel yesterday, talked and exchanged some views and returned some stuff. then it was time to say goodbye. the first few steps were particularly hard to take and tears were welling up in both of us, but i did walk off gracefully. and then suddenly, like some strange spell has been casted, i felt very happy, like a sorta release from something. i mean i was still feeling sad. it was sorta mix feeling. but i'm ok now. feeling yellow!!!

so things with mel have now been cleared and settled and we're still great friends. and now there's alvin. ahhh. don't think i did update any of you guys about alvin. well long story there, but trying to settle things too. not in the bad way though. hahahahah i need a hug

its been so long since i last posted anything. it really makes me wonder if anybody is still reading this blog. to my horror i just, like just, realised i can't even remember how my page looks like. well its just that army (particularly bmt phase) is exceptionally busy. most of the weekends are spent out. there isn't really much time to update this blog at all. and as usual my language probably went down the dumps. people do get stupid in army. haha, actually a large part depends on the individual, whether he is willing to continue reading and all.

looking at my previous post, i realised how much i've grown throughout army. yes in the army life is disciplined and strict. but sometimes there's a need for it. not that i am agreeing that it should always be so disciplined but that my view was too myopic back then. the facilities, well we are finally allowed to use them towards the later part of bmt, but then most of us don't use them anyway. and being a lowly clerk and driver, well that idea has pretty much gone out of my head - although it is still attractive. i mean if i can go through it and be pilot, why not? it sure sounds a lot better than a clerk or driver. in life, we have to try our best. since ns has taken 2 years away from us, why not take something back and learn a thing or 2 in ns right?

and me and mel; well we did not quite survive. long story but things are fine. i learnt how to live on and move on with life. one cannot let situation take control of you.

so its a week break for me. you guys will be seeing more of me from now on liaoz!@!!