alright. lets see, today i went out to the army market to get stuff for my brunei and thinking that i had the belt, i didn't bother to get it and to my horror i don't have it. argh. but i've got a myself a new bag. it looks really nice and its damn cheap. like only 20. its amazing the amount of nice stuff one can get at the army market. think i would make it my regular haunt for some clothes and stuff. then the rest of the day was basically spent looking for my other project, which didn't amount to anything. i simply can't find it. so irritating.

lotsa things going through my head. also don't know how to put it down properly. don't have time to write it down too. but on the good side, i have learnt many new songs. and hopefully we get to perform at the end of the year. alanna there's a basking thing coming up and i've got lobang. interested? i really really wanna perform..... please..??

didn't see dear for the 1st time over the weekend. strange feeling.

its a busy busy weekend. i have to complete my project report, which took me the whole of yesterday and the whole of this morning. and after this i am going to the army market to get some stuff for my brunei trip. and then i have to shop for some stuff for my other project. and this is going to be the first weekend that i won't be seeing him. but its ok. i guess i have to get use to it.

lotsa things happened but there ain't much time for me to post up anything now. gotta rush outta here. think i'll post it later when i come back if i have time.

some words can't be taken back - anon

just added a new link, chad's link, he's finally come up with one. anyway, spent the whole day today at home, being a good boy. and arranging many things, like my end of course functions. asked for the quotations and all, and the uncle was really really nice to me lorz. he like gave me the discounted rates and all. like he always does. think i am going to get a zoom gfx5 to stand in for the time being for my guitar fx pedals. i want a new acoustic guitar and a new xbox games, not that i have alot of time to play though.

other than that not much to update. but talked to yaowei. its been a long long time since i last talked to him, and we had such a great great time chatting and chatting and bitching, you get the drift. hope alanna did well in her exams. and mark, hang in there, i would not be here to pick you up from the airport =( but i'll be sure to see you the first thing i land, well maybe not the first but definitely the first few, unless u are sweet enough to pick me up from the airport with all my goodies. hehehe.

alright going off liaoz. tatata. and wonder's if dear can read this. take care!

'love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's despair'

so sang a little clod of clay,
trodden with the cattle's feet,
but a pebble of the brook
warbled out these metres meet:

'love seeketh only self to please,
to bind another to its delight,
joys in another loss of ease,
and builds a hell in heaven's despite'

- the clod and the pebble, william blake

no worries mark, i'll give you a seperate present, just because you were so sweet ok. and i am home again. awww finally. yes that's right. its hari raya. but lemme tell you this, we were the last wing to book out, because we were the only wing to indent dinner. for what right? might as well cut cost, and let me book out earlier and have dinner at home. but nevermind anytime spent at home is good time. i am so happy now. ahhh.

hrmm a hot pink tee-shirt from alanna, i hope i can carry it off, technically i can carry off any colour, seriously i can wear purple and still look good, now i must tone up my body more so that i don't look that gay wearing it. hrmmm, but seriously army is helping. haha. i realised that i am not the vainest guy, nor the gayest guy in camp (is that even possible?) i have friends who have more facial products and strange brands of body foam and shampoo that i've never heard off. and yes there are alot more gay than me. goodness

told my officer friend about myself, and i'm glad with the rxn, he didn't freak out on me. in fact he still treats me as a friend, although he doesn't really condone it. oh well, and i told him that i had a crush on him, ahaha. clay's in thailand now, hope he take cares of himself and not injure himself during training. going to watch america's hottest people (or whatever it is) finally can get to drool over guys, i can't keep staring at the mirror can i (muahahahah)

i wanted to say thanks, for wishing me a happy birthday, till i realised that you are getting a saddistic pleasure from watching things unfold. nevermind.

firstly, i wanna say a bigbigbig thank you to mark. he actually called me from cambridge on the night of my birthday. i was so touched, haha. thx mark, you are truly one of the bestest friend anyone could have (well maybe not since u are quite an acquired taste). a very tiring week. i was suppose to have 2 7km run this week but due to weather, one was cancelled. but nonetheless, there was still one 7km run and a 12km route march. it was rather tiring, and i have absolutely no idea how i survived the 24km route march and the 30km topo walk last time.

had a great time last night, met up with one of junior. haven't met her in ages, so met her up for a short while, then went off with my buddies for a japanese meal at this restaurant. then met up with dear. well, some incidents cropped up right before that, but this time, its kinda my fault. i've should have known better than to do that. i sorta told him that i don't feel like going over because i am really very tired, and i wanted to rest. i mean it was true, but i should have thought about how he was feeling and all before i said that. really, when alvin did that to me in the past, i was so furious, and he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. he just not showed up. anyway he kinda surprised me with a cake to make up for last week. but not much time to be spent together, had to rush home to do my projects.

things are well turbulent for now. hope it settles down.

if you would just look at the date that i posted that. it was yesterday. i posted that when i came home from camp. not after we spend the time together. i posted it in response to your blog. are you telling me that you have the right to post things about me but i have no rights to? yes i am breaking down inside. yes i am hurt, no i am not trying to make you feel guilty. why must you always be so negative. please i beg you to stop it. its is very very very very very very very tiring. i have no time left, can you don't do this please. we had such a great time, why must you always be like that. can't you not think negative for once. i am telling you this is how i feel. i don't want to make you feel guilty much less typing that blog with sacarsm.

i dunno what to do anymore. can you please teach me and tell me what you want? i enjoyed myself. if you can't see that. nevermind. i am at a lost for words now and i am booking in soon. i have exams coming up and guard duty the night. i really dunno what is it that you are looking for now. enlighten me if you will. i am lost, so lost, so tired, so torn out. WHY?!@!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!

and yes the rest of my page would be quite empty. i will update it once i get back from brunei and when i have time to spare ok? promise good things will be up, though i am quite upset about the thoughts page, all my nice little philosophy is gone. sigh sigh.

watched wishing stairs yest nite with dear. well it was quite a nice show, the plot was good. but it was not as scary as hyped, i mean i am wooose, and i am not that scared, so it definitely wasn't that scary. and thx alanna for updating my birthday. well well not exactly my best birthday, but it was nice and warm cos i had dinner with my family (sounds strange?) well its been quite awhile since my family went out together to have dinner, so yest we went to this hawker centre near my place that is famed for the curry fish-head and seafood and had a great meal. and yes such simple thing makes me very happy (told ya i am a very easily satisfied guy).


then today i have to rush rush and do my course project and think of stuff for wits and all and there's so little time. i would be leaving for brunei soon and i have to complete at least 90% of 2 projects before i leave. and to top it up we have 4 exams. where got time to do all these? though i do have more admin time here, i have little effective time to spend on myself cos so many things to do. sigh... and also of all times for things to spoil, they have to spoil now, my headphones and my wallet. sigh sigh.

wanted to talk to dear about alot of things, but i didn't dare to speak and there was no time to speak, guess i'll have to talk to him next weekend, but it would be a busy next weekend, will be meeting up with many people to celebrate a belated birthday, hopefully still have some time for him and my family (yes i am a very homey guy if you have not noticed by now). anyone wants a date?

i don't really have much time to fix up my site. i have a test this coming wednesday and if i fail it, i would be confined over the weekend, so i think i would be booking in early on sunday to study for it. 15 chapters. crap that's quite alot.

mostly i choose to keep quiet, although i am a scorpio, i really do cherish peace more than anything else. how could i want to quarrel. its not even in me to keep up an argument, after a short while i would be fine, but i think there are a few things i really need and want to say after so many things happened.

i am in camp, a school of traning in fact and i cannot bring my hp everywhere i go and talk like no officers are around. i will get caught and when i get caught, i would have to serve extra weekend guard duty and/or defalters parade (or however you spell that) and since the course that i am attending now is quite heavy lecture and physical training based. i spend most of my time, in fact on most days its 8- 5 in a lecture theatre, i do not go back to bunk during lunch. i can post up a traning program if you want. and yesterday i went outfield, so after outfield, naturally we have time, cos my schedule was till until 3 but we came back at 11, so i had free time to plan for the challenge course today and have time to msg. and if i fell asleep within minutes of putting down the phone, doesn't it all mean that i am really really really very very tired. since i have been waking up at incredible time becauses of my neighbouring wing having turn-outs and we having quite a few physical training this week.

if you think that its all fake, i shall not bother to dispute it. because everything i say will have no effect. if u think that i talk too much about the army, sorry. its what i do for 6 days of the week, 24 hours of the day. i can't talk about any other stuff. and if you feel that words are what u need and not actions, i apologise, if you do not already know by now that i let my actions over the weekends show u how much i care, then i have nothing to say. this is what it is and what it is going to be like. i have no control and no say. u may not understand now, but when u enter army u will. alvin was in ocs and i had a prob with him, but he was a lot worse, he would not even call me. we talk for less than 2 min a night, if we do talk. we eventually quarrel cos i got too unreasonable, and he wouldn't make any effort to call me. i spend all my weekends with you when i can. i love my family but i spend less time with them for you. i call u every night and talk till after lights out (you know the consequence if i get caught) i msg you if i have the chance to, if you think this is not enough, if you can't stand me talking about what i am going to do or talk about army and i can't say mushy things because my buddy is around me sometimes, then i am so sorry, it is beyond me. this is the best of me, the best of what i can do. you can check with chad, and find out what type of bf i am. how much i would do if i can. but if you want more, i can only say this is what i can offer. i'm hurt, really really hurt by what you said. but as always, the hurt stays inside, hidden by a smile.

my friend asked me why am i always so cheerful, isit a conscious decision. yes. and now after reading your blog, let me tell you that the words hurt like a swords piercing through my heart. every single you said but later on claim you do not mean hurts, and leaves an impact. i've told you so many times not to say angry words because as much as you don't mean it, the other person will take it to heart. i've hardly say anythin mean, not never but hardly because i know. but i want you to know that you've said things that you take back no matter how much you mean because it leaves an imprint in my heart. i'm trying hard, very hard and i have nothing more to say. i wanted to go about how happy i am today because it is my birthday weekend and i can get to spend it with my family and you, but after reading your blog, i am very very hurt. i wanted to say how much i enjoyed today because of the challenge and how out team outdid ourselves and emerged the top team in my wing, although we were not physically the strongest, but i have to think about saying it because its the army.

ohmygod, go go go go visiting this site http://mirrored.flabber.nl/britney.lookalike/

how come he can look like that? and well i think he looks kinda cute.. errr oops. clay is giving me the looks

and i am back this weekend. some little thing happened, thing it was the blogger server had some little confusion with my blog and someone else's blog. anyway, yesterday was a rush rush day. rush rush to east coast early in the morning. rush rush to go home (its a long long way back from east coast) rush rush to eat brunch, then rush rush to bathe, and then rush rush to get out and meet nigel (i eventually came out to him, he's such a *** keep asking sigh... but he's real nice) then rush rush to meet clay, then rush rush to catch the matrix. you get the drift. anyway THE MATRIX IS DAMN COOL AND VERY OVERWHELMING. its really very powerful. i shall not dwell too much, but the concept of the whole show and the plot and all the action, the emotion is just overwhelming (yes i am a very emotional person).

today quite pack schedule, gotta research for my project, gotta go and grab some food stuff for a gathering. then he's still sleeping now. he's such a pig. anyway my birthday is coming soon. muahahaha, finally. for those who intend to get me a present for have no idea what to get me, here's my wishlist

1. avril lavignes - my world VCD/DVD - the one with try to shut me up tour (hint hint alanna)
2. 2003 booker prize winner (can't remember the book title)
3. MEST cd
4. for those who are really really rich and think that your money would be better spend on me than on anything else. a
ibook 15" G4. hahah.
5. t-shirts (i don't have enough actually)
6. board shorts (don't have enough of this too)
7. but most importantly its the thought that count, really

and yes because i am a person who can't remember anybody's birthday at all (for those who know me well) i don't mind if people remind me about thier birthday, so i'm also doing my part for people like me. hehe *cheeky grinz*

surprise surprise, i finally have access to the internet. there's actually this internet room and during my free time i can actually use it. amazing isn't it. WOW, but there are a few websites they won't allow like anything with x in it. they would naturally not allow in. so websites like diary-x also not allowed. hahah.

but i am having fun now. its quite a tiring place. losta work to do. not a lot of free time. but this is the airforce, so slightly better. losta things happening this week, will update you all once i get back home, but i'm safe and sound. just some back injury. but MO said it was nothing. actually quite worried about my dad, he might be losing his job soon, because there's some privatisation. i can't lose my job, gotta support the family now. and i can't get my laptop and things. gotta start saving

anyway i am getting very pissed waiting for the appointment holders. getting really irritated. so i'll update it again when i get back home! URGH. playing with friendster now also. its quite fun actually

ohmygod, my new layout is out. gushes gushes. she's so gorgeous. sorry the links don't work now. because they were all on the old server and the old server was kinda wiped out. so gimme awhile to load everything up. and i'll be loading the pictures page. so friends, if you guys have any pictures, please send to me ok, so i can upload it all up for the world to see.

backache. backache. my god its so terrible, i can't even bend forward to consume my meals or brush my teeth. in fact i can't even sit for very long time. don't ask what happened. but its terrible. really terrible. i need a massage, desperately, anybody?

i'm quite proud of myself actually. just finished my fieldcamp and my fast march, kinda back to back (pardon the pun), which sorta explains my terrible backache (ok, so i said don't ask) and i've always got a weak back (scelosis or however you spell it). i never thought myself to be fit. in fact i think very lowly of my physical and combat fitness but i'm very surprised at my abilities. the mind is really a very powerful tool. i remember my pc told us that we need to try our best in everything that we do, and put in my best i did. i was the 2nd fittest. i walked up and down the hills with not much problem, i was one of the fastest guys during fast march and i still had all the energy to encourage everybody telling them they cannot be weaker than me cos i'm an airforce pilot. and i'm so proud that we stuck it out as a platoon. i can't bear to leave my current wing actually.

then right before i booked out for the last time, my sir asked me to go forward and he gave me his best wishes, so touched. ahhhh...

met dear and had a great time together. gave him a cd case for our 1 month, cos his cd case really cannot make it liaoz. haha. it's really very nice to see him after one whole week of missing him. but you know me, i never type much about such anyway.

and can i just say i so love being so evil. i am not going to elaborate but you can read up on my starsign on the me section. hahaha i am not above manipulation and stuff. it just gives me great pleasure to take slow painful revenge. great pleasure. why? because i am scorpio and i do sting as much as i don't want to. or maybe just because you are too much. i feel so sadistic. dear doesn't want me to be evil, in fact everybody thinks i shouldn't be, but come on how often do i get to be evil other than screaming my head off at mrt commuters (i just did it yesterday in fact, yelled at the top of my voice and i got my way. asshole singaporeans - the inconsiderate ones)

sigh, i am going to book in soon. so sad. on such a nice weekend. i do wish there's a job on earth that doesn't require me to work. but such things don't really exist right? anyway i went to the holy innocent high's carnival just now. it wasn't fantastic but it was ok. we took the kid's swing and the machine couldn't start at first cos we were all too heavy. picture this, 7 teenagers on this swinging thingy that is meant for the kids. how hilarious! then we played some simple games and went to do other things. nothing much just played around like really big kids. frankie's new stead is cute and so is this glenn person. and so is me (er ok...) everybody was so evil today, kept making fun of me. my stupid godsisters started to call me sister instead of brothers cos they said i'm becoming alot more passive than last time. not my fault what, my stupid ex's fault. then i also need time to change one mahz

then now clay dear is sitting beside reading this also haha. he's so nice, came to pick me up and made everybody else jealous. went to watch IDENTITY. its not bad. really quite an unbelievable but great show. do watch. waiting for mommy to cook dinner now. smell something good cooking. one last dinner before i book into camp....... take care folks see you guys in a week's time

ladida. and i am back online again. went out the whole of yesterday with clayie dearest (i am suppose to call him that, hahah he was upset i called him clay only in the previous post). so it was a great day, we went shopping and we caught the movie matchstick men. it is a really good show. trust me, nicholas cage acting is really great. he's FANTASTIC. and the plot is wonderful, with quite an unexpected twist. loved it. was going to catch the park too but there wasn't really much time and i wasn't feeling at my best. in fact i was feeling quite giddy. for a full detailed and rated R account, please go to my dear's site. don't say i never warned you.

and yep was with chad and colin for awhile today. had a great time with chad when he was over at my place. taught me more about my tarot cards thing. and he gave me some tips and stuff, and he read about my lovelife. much shall be left unsaid but its not a bad thing.

ohohoh i will be all dressed up for next weekend, i would be meeting alanna for this little halloween thing. i so better look good. and also, i so love my new hair but i don't understand why the whole world prefer my previous hairstyle. they all think i look so much better and more drop-dead gorgeous with my previous hair :p i think i look more boyish with this current hair. anyway when people bring me out, does it really feel like bringing a little boy out (indignant look)?

but something happened, and i am very angry. yes the key word is very. rarely do i get so pissed, but this time i am majorly pissed. and i intend to do something about it. i am a scorpio and its not very nice to make scorpios angry. we are very nice people and as vengeful as they make us sound. we are not that vengeful. but yes, we have to potential to be very very evil. and i am going to be very very evil. don't say i didn't warn you. 18 years of my life, i have never been so pissed before. this time its personal! be warned

and yes i am going to turn in soon. just watched stephanie sun (yes i did make myself watch that show) and i must say that she did improve alot (though her fashion sense has ALOT more room for improvement). her songs are nice, but i still think they could do with better singers (note the word singer, it means people who SINGS). my sister told me not to count the amount of times she goes off tune, she didn't want me to tire myself. hahahaha. nite pple! i love you guys.

its deepavali!! and i am finally home! for those who wondered where on earth i have been? i've been confined for the past 2 weekends somewhere on this island. army, yes yes yes. sigh. and yes my paged got hacked into and there was nothing much i could do about it because i am not allowed to use the internet. actually there are places where we can access the internet provided that we have time, but you know how it is, there is never time.

anyway i came home a couple of days ago. why? because i fell very very sick. i was feverish for quite awhile, then my fever hit a new high the night before my field camp, so i was rushed to the medical centre and sent home after. then the next morning, my temperature went up to 39.6. WOW. yes i know, i wanted to check myself in to the hosp. but then after much ice (yes i did ice myself, literally, by soaking myself in ice) did my temperature drop. thank god. still a bit sick now, so much phelgm, and a terrible blocked nose.

ohohoh mark called!! chatted with that dear boy for over 40 mins. sweeet. its been almost 4 weeks since he left. ah, really nice to talk to him and all. and do you know what websites he visits over there in cambridge? trust me you can't ever imagine. lets just say its quite alternative. shudders. and the sounds he make when he's at those pages, shudder. ahahhahah. going out later with clay and gonna spend some time together. tomorrow will be out prob with chad, nigel and alanna??? alrighty, gotta go prepare liaoz. see you guys soon! and kor take care ok? anything you can always talk to me.

testing... lalalal my dear is now beside

yesterday was one of the most traumatising days of my live. the old alvin msged me to meet me and he stood me up. when he msged me, it just totally threw me off balance and i was like so ultimately distressed. i actually ran from marina square to suntec city to find him, cos he told me he was there and that he would meet me after he's done shopping at carrefour.turns out that he lied to me, which is not really much of a surprise really, since that is just so him. and alanna had to knock me to my senses asking me why am i even meeting him in the first place. knowing what he has done to me (this is so ironic). then i waited for him and alvin, the new one, told me that they jus bumped into him at marina square with one other guy. what a jerk. when i asked him abt it, he just switched off his phone and claimed that his batt went flat. so he couldn't call me to tell me he can't make it. so technically i should have known on my own psychic ability and went home. JERK. i dunno why i still behave like this. then clayton told me that from my actions yesterday, it is still very obvious i can't get over the old alvin. why why why.

then earlier in the day, as i decided to randomly walk in any direction to wherever after i shopped at the army market, i bumped into new alvin. wow. its like soo i dunno, too coincidence. he kinda called me and i turn and was kinda shocked to see him. exchanged pleasantries, was with huiyi see. so then we jus walked on in the damn hot sun, wondering at how amazing it was to have the both of us walking in any random direction and have to bump into him. then clayton got quite upset last night about the whole alvin (old) thingy. then today he kinda cried cos i'm going into camp tomorrow and i will be confined for 2 weekends. hrmm argh. what alot of things for one day. and alanna is also kinda right to say that all these happened because of my actions. but she's such a dear, she really cares alot for me, love ya alanna.

thats right folks i would be entering camp and confined for 2 weekends, so i wouldn't be blogging here for quite sometime. i would miss everybody. sigh this is so disgusting. i have been enjoying myself in airforce for more than half a year and now you expect me to go back into the disgusting n regimental army??!!!??!! ARGH...