numbing myself in everything i can think of. i've grieved, i've cried myself to sleep, i've done everything short of that something which i used to do, but not anymore. but it ain't easy. i wished you could have hurt me physically, i wished you could have abused me till i bruised all over, at the very least, the pain will go away. how do i make all this pain go away.

i am trying not to fallapart.

what is love? what exactly is love? borrowing from lovereally.blogspot.com

* far too often, we give up on relationships because of the increasing demands. as two people gradually get more emotionally involved with each other, their lives just begin to weave into each other's routines far more than often. little suprise why suddenly there are so many more things to be concerned about, which prior to the relationship, would never have been an issue at all. i guess those in a relationship would hardly have any problem identifying them at all. everyone wants to maintain their comfort zone in a way. and unless the couple works it these issues out together, the relationship, i say again, the relationship, is not gonna work. not that love is not gonna work. love endures! just whether its being nurtured or left stagnant. love really is more than a silly thing that occurs every now and then. bringing along with it some anguish and petty issues on the way. we're the ones who make things complicated, not love *

i won't give up. not here not now not like this.

i told a dear friend this, and i think i must heed my own advice, sometimes moving on is the best way to salvage matters.

dear, thanks for all. i love you. hope we can be friends and maybe next year feb, we can once again go out. for now, i will try to learn to be alone.

now i know why people blog alot when things are looking down.

because they have too much time that used to occupied with that someone. because they don't communicate with that someone anymore and there's the hope that he may be reading it. even if he isn't, at least the possibility is there.

why am i reduced to all this? am i not good enough?

张栋梁 - 寂寞边界

我们之间闯进了贼偷走相爱得一切
逼得我们伤痕累累
分手只流两行泪

你说决定错了无所谓就算后悔也不要我陪
爱的平淡爱的浓烈都让你憔悴
我怎么做你都拒绝*

我来到寂寞边界
爱已失窃心在淌着血
男人得无尽伤痛都锁进黑夜
面对背叛用了解还是谅解
寂寞边界伤心人还有谁

我们之间闯进了贼偷走相爱得一切
爱让我们伤痕累累
结局只流两行泪

我来到寂寞边界
爱已失窃心在淌着血
过去的无尽伤痛都锁进黑夜
面对爱情用时间收拾破碎
寂寞边界伤心人已学会安慰

its all over. its all over. i am not strong when it comes down to this. i am so weak.

i couldn't get up properly today. i lay in my bed and thoughts of everything came rushing in. i tried to get out, but i can't. i had to drag myself out of bed to work. my client came and we did the video all the way till midnight. he left. and you left.

tears started running again. how can i just let it go? how can i? after what happened. is it all my fault?

its so painful. its so painful.

Braid Paisley - Find Yourself
-as heard on Cars OST-

The things that would have been lost on you
are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself,
yeah thats when you find yourself

Well you go through life
so sure of where you're headed
And you wind up lost
and its the best thing that could have happened
Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
because you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself.

When you meet the one, that you've been waiting for
and she's everything, that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for someone else
And then you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself

Well you go through life
so sure of where we're headed
And you wind up lost
and its the best thing that could have happened
Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
Because you find yourself,
Yeah thats when you find yourself

#####
when you found yourself, i'll be right here waiting

i don't know what to say. i don't know what to do. but i know what i must do.

its been 2 and a half years. it hasn't been smooth, there's been ups and there's been downs. but i cherish and appreciate every single moment.

there's so much anger i need to deal with myself. i can't be better now. i have to learn to manage my own anger and my own issues.

i miss you. what i said, i meant it. what i say i will do i mean it too. i hope someday i'll see you again.

goodbye.

broke my record, i worked for 20 hours non stop. from 1pm to 9am, took a short nap and on to 4pm. i almost died. i clocked 16 hours day on average for the past 4 days.

in what appears to be a rather accurate calculation, and at the same time, rather amusing and hilarious, i present to you all the crush calculatorgo on and try it! do let me noe the results!, you know how to contact me =)

cheers

or type in the following if the link doesn't work

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/345619667

seriously, sometimes i wonder why i even bother. after i regretted, i might regret it after all

i think i might have done something which i would regret for my entire life. my single biggest regret. i hope i am wrong.

SHE - 我?你

I have never watch any MTV like this. I cried.

It's like newspapers in totalitarian countries one morning reporting that the government, with much pomp and ceremony, has declared the epidemic over, without ever having reported that there was an epidemic in the first place.

-> in reference to the straits time not publishing PM Lee words that he had to "fix" the opposition and "buy" voters support. FIX and BUY SUPPORT were his exact words. later ST published an apology from the PM office about the use of those words, without even reporting them in the first place.

#####

to read about how CNA could have potentially misreported 2 blogs by somehow miraculously losing headlines such as "IN SHADY COMPANY #1 - GIC" and "GO OUt TONIGHT AND RULE IN NUMBERS" in reference to election blog, and miraculously losing date markers on blog pages you can read all about the potentially shady business here

the macbook is out!!!!! www.apple.com.sg/macbook now in white and black and DUAL processors across the line. WOOOHOOO!

however, i must bitch about the most hilarious conversation i have with ling kai, when she did "the ling kai".

it went something like this

k: hey check out the new macbook!!! its OUT! www.apple.com/macbook
ling: oh that one, my friend it crashes like alll the time
k: (feeling confused): errr, it was just annoucend like 5 minutes ago, so unless your friend used if for the past 4 minutes and it crashed......
ling: oh is it. then it must be the other one.


HAHA ROTFL...

#####
in another story. diary of a singaporean mind posted a most astute observation of a singaporean.

Stupid Foreigner RUDE to ME!!!

These days working in Singapore involves travelling around the region. This time my assignment is Manila. Every time I get assignments to such 3rd world places, I will go to the toilet and curse at my boss - hope he gets heart attack and die, die, die! To leave the comfort of Singapore and go to a country so disorganised is a real torture.

When I was in Manila, I got bored at night so I decided to go to the lounge of hotel to enjoy some jazz - the only thing good about the Filipines are the bands - they seem to produce so many good ones. As I was enjoying the music, some American Filipino came to chat with me. This guy went to the US as a kid and was back to visit friends and look for business opportunities. We had quite an interesting conversation as we shared travelling experiences. It was interesting we until talked about politics. I told him how excitied I was to be able to vote for the first time in my life. I tried to explain our political system to him but I don't know why he keeps laughing:

Me: "See before the elections, the govt gives us money deposited right into our bank accounts..."

American : "No kidding....."...*laugh*.

Me: "My estate will be upgraded soon because I voted for the PAP. Estate upgrading gets priority for areas with the highest votes for the PAP".

American: "This is crazy...you must be kidding..." *laugh* *laugh* *laugh*

Me: "I'm actually looking forward to the fountain they will be building near my apartment...I think they are conducting a survey for the design..."

American: *laugh* *laugh* *laugh*.

Me: "Political podcast and blogging is banned during elections so that citizens are not confused by inaccurate information...we get all our information from state TV & newspaper".

American: "I thought you were from Singapore....not N. Korea..." *laugh* *laugh* *laugh*

At this point I could sense some sarcasm from this guy. Obviously, he is envious of our highly advanced and stable political system. I see no point in continuing the conversation, I promptly excuse myself.

you know the elections is all over, but i thought i would just like to say a few closing words.

firstly, i am constantly amazed by how this election results is being compared to the 1997 elections results, conveniently going around the 2001 results. if we compared by 2001, then PAP support would have slid by quite a few percentages. but if we go by 1997 standard, then it was about the same. the reason was the 2001 was a year of anomaly, with terrorist attack and september 11. well interesting enough, 911 happened in november, and iraq war was mounted only in 2003. so i don't really remember a particularly tense situation of terrorist attack. but whatever.

in 1997, the year was a normal year. but was it? can we all not remember the economic crisis? so wouldn't a typical stupid singaporean vote the safest choice during an economic crisis since our government is indeed very good at providing jobs and monies? so i am not really sure of the reason why they choose to compare with 1997 results rather than 2001.

just a hunch. if 1997 results was very high and by comparision, 2006 results were sliding, they might have compared it with 1991, since 1997 was also a year of anomaly as it was the asian economic crisis as well.

2nd issue, is oh well. but WP.

Constit PAP WP
Joo Chiat 12,222 6,577
Nee Soon E 20,945 9,533
Nee Soon C 14,210 7,527
Hougang 8,306 13,987
Ang Mo Kio 96,591 49,468
East Coast 66,890 37,867
Aljunied 74,810 58,585
TOTAL 293,974 184,544
Percent 61.4 38.6

Strong mandate huh? last time 75% is A1, not 60% is A1. before elections, expected 80%, now 60% is shiok!

3rd issue is just posting on what was said.

the parliamentary elections act section 32:
Withdrawal of candidature
32. - (1) A candidate may before 12 noon on the day of nomination, but not afterwards, withdraw his candidature by giving, in person, a notice to that effect signed by him to the Returning Officer.
(2) The Returning Officer shall forthwith cause notice of the withdrawal to be posted in a conspicuous position outside the place of nomination.

it just leaves me bewildered just like yawning bread pointed out, how could george yeo and MM lee said the election would just go on. there's nothing in the constitution to prevent that. however something in the law does.

last issue. irony of speech.

MM Lee said "I've watched once a government goes bad, the system goes bad, you cannot put it right." That's quite right. once a bad government is in place, its really quite hard to change things, ain't it? they will put up system that will make challenge difficult. and all.

this amuses me to no end, and i am sure it will amuse ling too. the irony of the below sentence

"I think some folks take everything they read at face value. And 10 times as many people are likely to see a movie as read a book," said Mark Norman, pastor at Grace Community Church near Laurel, where congregants are holding a four-week series of pre-movie talks.

in reference to the Da Vinci Code. These are people who read the bible and belief everything they read. at face value.

duh.

in the midst of doing my work, (yes people pay me to do presentation slides!), i've decided to response to alexis and ling's posts about love.

#####

Love is a feeling to an arbitrary person. I am sure we have all encountered "I love this person the most!" that is until you've met the next person, which you then declare loudly that "I love you the most!" But of course it could be true, there could indeed be a person that we loved the most, but until you die, you can never ascertain that for sure.

Love is not tangible, it is not measurable. It is an inexplicable feeling, that at the end of the day, we can only judge by time. Time is equal. 24 hours a day. Not a single person has more, not a single has less. If one is willing to spend time with the person, rather obviously, they feel comfortable with you. The more time spent with the person, means less time for other activities and/or people.

If we spend more time with our family rather than our friends, we cherish our family more, if we spend more time with our partners, we cherish them more than anything.

Love is about sharing and sacrifice. Its about sharing a part of your life with the other person. What is your day like, what are your goals in life, the small talks. Its about communication and bridging two otherwise unrelated individuals. Its about sacrificing time, amongst other things. The action of giving.

However, love is also a need. A need to have someone, because no man is an island. Put it in another way, we all have to have someone around. To run home to at the end of the day, to talk about nothing at all, to have great sex with every day (ok every other day), to engage in activities together that cannot be done with friends. Because friends are not for these.

We can be cynical and leave it at that. But to pursue it deeper, we don't exactly 'love' everyone. We can't engage in the aforementioned activities with Tom Dick or Harry (of Ruth Beth and Nancy if you will; and swing the other way), which is why there are breakups. Not those in the spite of anger breakups but the, "hey, lets just let it go", "alright".

Because hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

There is that someone whom we connect to, whom despite everything will still stand like a pillar waiting. The pillar we all hang on to tightly, despite always talking about letting go, because we are the ones who can never let go. The someone who will do the most silly things for you, who will wait indefinitely for you. The someone whom you always accuse of not understanding you, but deep inside you know that he/she really does understand you so much better than you'd admit.

Love is such.

PAP rally at segar road, May 5th 2006




WP rally at Serangoon Stadium, May 5th 2006




*image sourced from sgrally.blogspot.com

As an ardent fan of the Straits Times, i was disappointed that my letter to them asking Mr Singh to clarify why he took 6 days to come forward, and why he thought Gomez was serious although he was laughing, did not get published. Sigh.

On another note, CNA! i was there not too long ago, and look at the news there


##Right now we have Low Thia Khiang, Chiam See Tong, Steve Chia. We can deal with them. Suppose you had 10, 15, 20 opposition members in Parliament. Instead of spending my time thinking what is the right policy for Singapore, I'm going to spend all my time thinking what's the right way to fix them, to buy my supporters votes, how can I solve this week's problem and forget about next year's challenges?" -PM Lee, 3 May 2006##

Finally, it seems that Apple is going to have another major announcement this few weeks. The long anticipated replacement to the iBook, dubbed the MacBook looks slated for a release, alongside the opening of the New York flagship 20'000 square foot Apple Store.

Last note, I am so hooked on playing The Wicked. I've completed the junior level, now i am stuck at level 42 of the wicked. yes my IQ is above 130. *sniggers*

OHMYGOD! read today's ST? money section?

creative posted a quarterly lost of SGD 181,000,000. yes you did not read wrong, a quarterly loss of 181 million singapore dollars. Long live Sim Wong Who?

Rocks