i'm feeling down again. very down. messed up again. everything that was neatly placed in my room is strewn all over the place. haiz. i still feel very bitter about my career thing. people don't understand, but how can they, they are not me. i always give fantastic excuses, but in the one, the only person i am trying to convince is myself. i can still remember the fresh air at 10,000 ft, the inverted flights, the beautiful mountains rising beyond the horizon; all now a thing of the past. its all over. while i've said many many things, at the end of it, i know i would never be, i created all this excuse, all the illusion that i am fine. but i am not ok, how can one be when your dreams, something you strive hard, very hard; something that made me push myself through all the difficulties is crushed just like that, by some ruthless fucked up asshole.

praying hard that sq will take me. i'm praying very hard.
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i remember me and raydance use to post very private things on public blogs, though there were many times people didn't like what they read and said nasty things, we and alot of other bloggers maintained that our blog were our personal spaces, if you don't like what you, fuck off and don't read. but i've learnt a few things, quite a few things and i no longer insist that anymore.

so how can i, how can raydance, post something so personal on such a public blog. such a public when everybody reads.