yawnz....

he's been so incredibly sweet recently. his msg made me jump (really) with joy today. well nothing today, just ippt. every static station was gold, but my running, it was so disappointing i am not even going to begin to talk about it. gross. disgusting. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. boring life other than that.

missing him again. yesyes i would stop it if i could, trust me. oh yar, ed from auz emailed me today, and he said some really nice things, thanks dude. most things are true i think, 10 months while it is not short, it isn't that long, and i worry too much sometimes. haha. and he said my 1st 3 wishes on my wishlist, i already have them, so why i am wishing for it. muahahah

okok, politics matter just as much as my dear. maybe just a bit less.

here

and the following taken from paul's site, in fact he might find it flattering i am quoting from him =)

in today's straits times, "For example, in 1980, SM Lee had to drop Dr Toh Chin Chye out of the new Cabinet because Mr Lee was concerned that several of the old-timers might rally around Dr Toh and slow down the pace of self-renewal."

sounds suspicious? i couldn't dig up too much on the internet except this - which is telling enough -

"Peter wrongly (how wrongly!) attributes Singapore's 'success' to Lee.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In the good old days, Lee had colleagues who stood as tall, if not taller than him, like ex-President Devan Nair (who braved jail by the British Colonial govt for his beliefs), Dr Toh Chin Chye, Dr Goh Keng Swee who single-handledly built the armed forces and masterminded the economic development of Singapore.

There are many other colleagues too, like Rajaratnam. Devan Nair even used the F-word to Lee in heated cabinet debates. Not like the present Yes Ministers who dare not even feedback to Lee for fear of losing their multimillion salaries."

taken from: http://www.singapore-window.org/sw00/000716le.htm

so - seems like someone was worried about being overshadowed.


go think about it. and one last time i miss him ALOT

back to camp today. needed some adjustment to get use to a do nothing much whole day lifestyle. i realise its the perfect way to catch up on my reading. haha. i am so broke so broke, but i did something sensible. but for those kind enough to donate to "help scott fund" please you know how to contact me. for the early bird, we have a special lucky draw worth 500 000 dollars in cash and prizes. muahahaha

enough of that. i am missing someone particularly badly now. he's outfield now and he just said something that was so sweet. i really wished i had known him so much earlier. and if i could i would just pack him into my luggage and lug him to auz with me. i think it says alot when someone asks "what can i do to make you feel better" and not "why must you be like that". i am glad we resolved some issues. i just can't bear the thought of leaving.

we just sent off the previous course not too long ago. and it was quite an emotional scene. girlfriends were crying, mommies were on the brink of tears. well which is why i hope for a gigantic group to send me off, to aviod tears and all. while i doubt that i would cry bucketloads, i think i would actually tear quite abit. i am so gonna hug everybody, especially him, right before i enter the gate. *sobs* i can even tear thinking about it. sigh....

pple, i've got a new email add, if u need to mail me big attachment (cute guys yes that would be great thank you - hahaha) oops, think dear jealous le... you can send it to kiezin@gmail.com yes i can store 1000mb of email, you didn't read wrong 1000mb, but only available to a select few, ala me. muahahaha. anyway dear is going outfield tmr. gonna miss him lots.

just came back from the dentist, nope not another tooth extract (i am not that masochistic, not yet anyway - ooops) hahah. anyway i realised that clinics are always very very crowded on a monday morning and i realised why, who on earth would want to go to work, school, office and whatever on a monday morning. and it dawn upon me the easiest most relax way to earn money is to be a gp with your own clinic, be generous with mc and voila!

found a picture of a self-injurer wrist on the net, wondering if i should post it and educate the world more on self-injury.. hrmm alanna??

i m sorry dear. i love you too.
..........
was diggin through my old stuff and it is always amazing what one can find: photos of me when i was plump, kindergarten photos, files and of course the most important one, vcds my cousin burnt for me a yaer back. i watched it and guess what. it is the 1st 6 episodes of queer as folk. ohmygod. yesyesyes now i so must lay my hands on it. if anybody has it, please lend it to me. pretty pls.....
..........
how's this



and here's where it came from

made with pictures of serviceman and woman that died during the oh-so-noble occupation to set iraq 'free' of what i dunno. the war president ladies and gentlemen.

my mind's in a blank. i can't think of what to write but this. accept death, then can you accept life. "love each other or die" - w.h. auden. i know this is going to sound so wierd but i have to say it to all those who know me. given my profession, everybody must fully understand and accept the fact that i can die anytime. there's never the right time, but it can just happen. i have to come to terms that doing what i do, living is a bonus. and that there's nothing to be afraid of death. only when you know death, can you know life, and that every day is just as precious. that we should never leave anything to tomorrow, because there might never be a tomorrow. everybody knows this, read it all before; but how many fully comprehend and understand. my friend committed suicide, and there was so many things that his stead wanted to do for him, but never got the chance to, so many things his friends planned, so many things his parents wanted to do with him. but they never got the chance to. so why wait till that day come and regret. i've said this many times, and i would say it again. tell everybody everyday how much they mean to you. a person would never get sick of that. i tell my mom i love her every other day for goodness sake. because the next day, an accident might just happen and you would never ever get to say "i love you" again.

these precious ruby red ever so gently whispers in my head, like those voices that talks to me years ago.

when i am eating ice cream for no good reason, you can be sure i am not feeling good. ice cream and chocolates have always been my other way of getting the heat off my head, before i do anything silly. its been awhile since i last did that. but ice cream and chocolates can't offer that angry outrage, that slow painful healing it induces. for those who know what i am talking about, don't worry, i am not about to do it. just a reflective post. but i have been eating ice cream, hagen daz ones that is, to ease my painful tooth extraction. not so painful. thanks for the concern guys!!!!

in my bitchiest response to an email sent by this christian in a desparate attempt to convert the world by telling us that pokemon is sent my devil and is the root of all evil and according to him 3 years back that that would be last year (partly due to pikachu and gang) and his best evidence was that in a pokemon contest, more than 50000 calls in a min to the radio station proved that the devil has taken over the world. i bring forth mr teh eng chuan's article

and my bitchiest response:

so you sincerely believe that man walked the earth the same time as dearest dino? and did the bible mentioned dino? i dun think but of course it could be jus one of those animals and dino happen to be a variation of an animal. now this would mean that you do not believe in cavemen too right? then how would u explain all those corpses of cavemen being found? and assuming if humans did walked the earth the same time as dearie dino.. den why wouldn't there be a single corpses dated back to the same time as the dino?? or maybe humans didn't exist the same time as dino...

"Surely God could not possibly have viewed the fossilized remains of billions upon billions of His creatures in the rocks of the earth�s crust as �very good� if such fossils really marked the end of His �creation� period." well darling.. god is suppose to be the most omnipotent... i am sure he can do that... and as your typing to other religion which has evolution in some part of it.. please do not try to expound you knowledge on other religion if u do not know.. buddhism is a teaching which teaches people about life.. it is a set of philosophy which teaches pple things like "you get what u give" and by understanding the teaching does one get enlightememt.. period.. no evolution.. and taoism is basically another different set of philosophy but the difference is taoist pray to different gods.. also known as polytheism.

"All the real facts of science support special creation� not evolution.".. what facts may i ask???

yes.. how life started is still a mystery and perhaps maybe there is a superior entity that created life cos the idea that life came from a single cell is just so improbable... still does that entirely disprove evolution.. why the whole fuss about disproving evolution.. is it because it shakes your ground? are you feeling insecure?? everything is made of the same elements my dear.. there are only 104 ++ elements on this earth.. even this computer i am typing now is made of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen and so on.. and as for souls.. can u prove the existence of souls.. if u are asking for a prove of evolution.. so let's assume that soul does exist.. because u prob would tell me that soul exist.. have u saw ur soul?? so if something which u cannot prove, u can safely assume it exist why can't u accept the theory of evolution?? yep there might be a creator.. a maybe.. if we follow desecrates chain of thought.. a perfect entity must exist.. but are u also having jus blind faith and sheer believe in something which is also not proven...

"There is no evidence whatever that such limited horizontal changes ever become the unlimited vertical changes required for real evolution to take place. �Microevolu�tion,� as some call this type of change, has no demonstrated connection with �macroevolution,� at least as far as any actual physical evidence goes. " dear this is precisely what i am trying to say... there is no evidence whatsoever.. so it can mean it can exist or it cannot.. cos u have not conclusively showed any evidence to disprove... jus because it can't be proven does not mean it does not exist... can u have any physical prove of god? does it mean god does not exist?? this is a question we as humans would not know....

your whole argument here is based on the fact that there is no real evidence and i say it back to u that u have no real evidence.. to understand evolution, u urself would have to know evolution, you claim that evolutionist have generally admited. and genectist have generally agreed.. are you so sure darling?? and for you info. evolutions implies an evolution and not changing for the better.. it is more of adapting to the environment... and using your example of the half-reptile half-bird.. let us assume that it was really a transistional creature.. of course it must have fully developed features that changes with time.. duhZ!!! such fully developed would have mean that it changed slowly and perhaps after this creature.. note the word perhaps.. there might be one with say smaller legs??

"Only a few bone fragments have been found that have been imaginatively construed as some sort of lower species of man. This is a strange situation in view of the multiplied millions of �ape-men� that must have lived and died during the hypotheti�cal million-year transition from the first apelike ancestor to man." dearest... the whole corpse have been found.. the WHOLE skeleton have also been found.. in case u didn't know, it has been found in africa 3 years ago.. at at ht of 4ft+ they code named it jane.. pls do research.. it is quite embarrassing to read wrong stuff... "The few fossils offered as evidence by paleoanthropologists have mostly been discredited by evolutionary anthropologists themselves." ermm right.. which fossils have been discredited by who.. dear.. concrete evidence!!! those are isolated examples that u have quoted

and finally darling honeycups why do u keep insisting that the evolution have proved to be harmful.. don't jus say it.. show it and prove it... such like i have mention u.. evolution has never ever stated that it mus be good.. it jus has to be done to allow it to better survive the condition... so even if like u said time and again... it is deteorating... relative to the environment.. perhaps jus perhaps it might improve.. it may suddenly dawn upon u that dinosaurs prob won't survive very well now.. maybe lizards may survive better in this condition..

and finally to conclude... you have showed no conclusive evidence and have only quoted isolated examples from an insignificant minority. ur case has also been lacking in conclusive content and most of all by mere presumption.. not to say the least a clear distinct showin of ur insercurity.. what is damn bloody wrong with the theory of evolution that have to make come up with this thesis.. if u can't conclusive disprove it... pls dun attempt.. it is a real embarrassment.. and to end of the same way as u did.. lets think together.. no one has ever seen god, no one knows how god works, there is no physical evidence like u love to put it.. so does it mean god does not exist? u should learn to consider ur own stand first.. before presenting such a flawed argument..

p/s: in case u are wondering.. i am an agnostic...

lotsa love...

yes i am feeling better. thank you so much ah yee for that cyber hug. feels alot better! ate lunch, dinner and most importantly my painkillers and antibiotics. i know tomorrow morning will be the worse day of the week because i would have to survive the night without painkillers, till the next morning. but it might just turn out fine.

for the uninitiated, it is of absolute importance to have the wisdom tooth extracted early, if it is impacted and causing problems that is. if it is not impacted, then there wouldn't be much problem. so go for a check up! once every 6 months! why is it important? because an impacted teeth would trap food and cause decay and eventually it would hit the root and cause infection and expensive complications. at that point of time, you would still need to remove it anyway and by then, it would be more painful, and being older, the body doesn't recover as quickly. had i remove the right wisdom earlier, it would have been a less traumatising experience. but i didn't have the time with all the courses, i can't take mc. so i can only do it now. the decay is hitting the bone structure (dentist hopes it would grow back) and they had to dig out the root because it couldn't be extracted properly. also the teeth had to be drilled into 3 pieces because the decay and all.

and that stupid boy. called him to chat and he could only laugh away at how strange i sounded. then make me laugh some more. pain one lehz. hahaha. he's so adorable. yesyes i printed out one of our pictures and i am now thinking where to put it.. ahhh.....

i'm going to whine for a while... i just had my wisdom tooth extracted. sigh sigh sigh. pain pain pain. and dear is not around. well he did send very nice and reassuring messages because he had to go run the hills today. i need a hug....

i must be the most crazy guy around, i am actually staring at his pictures now. hahaha. going for wisdom tooth extraction and meeting him later. well well, nothing much to be said. tired, will go take a nap first...

a friend of mine emailed me this and i thought he was just so right. hahah, dear this is for you

ben folds five - the luckiest

i don't get many things right the first time
in fact, i am told that a lot
now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
brought me here

and where was i before the day
that i first saw your lovely face?
now i see it everyday
and i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

what if i'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on a street where you lived?
maybe i'd be outside as you passed on your bike
would i know?

and in a white sea of eyes
i see one pair that i recognize
and i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

i love you more than i have ever found a way to say to you

next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away

i'm sorry, i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know we belong
that i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest
--------
i was out with him yesterday, after my driving lessons. well went for dinner and walked around and went bowling (oops i type blowing right before that actually, honest slip, hehe) and it was just absolute fun. it was just so nice and so great. actually i have been spending a good amount of time with him and i am not complaining. its really really nice that he makes a point to come down and find me when he gets off early, of meet up somewhere convenient when both of us get (or is it gets? alanna....) nights off. and last night, he had to wake up early today, but he still came over last night and left in the dead of the night. i can't express my gratitude enough. and i think the song above does it better.

just came back from supper with him. ahhhh full of nice things which i would not bore the general public with. but well well. hahaha. love the suppers and the talks. this guy is so full of crap.

just took this test and guess what


A Scorpio is a great match for you. For one thing, you seem to really connect with the Scorpion's intensity and depth of feeling and to admire them for these qualities. You're also the kind who can be understanding about a Scorpio's tendency to overreact to things they perceive to be threats. After all, you're not going to let an occasional over-the-top moment to put a damper on your chances for romance. In fact, if you play your cards right, you and a Scorpio may find true love.

You can pick out potential Scorpio partners by their self-confident carriage when they walk into a room and by their intense gazes. Unlike people who may be more timid or remote, most Scopios aren't afraid of a little eye contact. At times, the Scorpion's stare can make it seem as if they can see into your very soul. More often than not, they are supremely assured and determined. If they take a fancy to you, you can bet you'll be persistently and aggressively pursued. Scorpios are known for being unfamiliar with the concept of quitting. If a Scorpio's head turns in your direction, you'll probably be flattered by their heated pursuit. You can appreciate someone with that kind of confidence and command. It's also nice not to have to play hard to get, because the Scorpion isn't all about the chase.

When a Scorpio decides what they want, they can be intent getting it. In fact, if the Scorpion feels an objective is in danger of being derailed, they can lash out quickly and strongly in effort to protect it. Scorpios are known for being exceedingly resourceful. So although they may not win the battle, this sign has every intention of winning the war. Strong and intent on their ideals, a Scorpio has a unique ability to focus on their purpose and see it through. You'll usually admire a Scorpio's convictions and support their ambitions. For you, it's probably a relief to find someone who knows what they want.


haha and i won't even begin to tell you what star sign he is. seriously, hrmmm. nothing, just abit elated, and yes alanna you are such a fag-hag, love ya sooo much. thanks for always being there.

i am suddenly very proud of america. i mean look at all their effort. of all the countries they invaded and tried to help. look which of it isn't a success story and look how well they are doing. lets look at somalia, where a mob at magadishu killed 18 us soldiers resulting in a pull out of american forces. look aren't they improvin in their economic status, they are almost 1st world nation now. and of course there's haiti. look at all the peace they are enjoying after american invaded them; not to forget the other war in afghanistan. isn't comforting to know that the warlords are now running the country without osama bin laden farting around. and that all the violence are just going slightly up. and how can we forget that long long war with vietnam. she must be so glad america was there to rape their citizens and sending half of them to heaven. lastly, iraq. i mean the iraqis must be happy that saddam wasn't around building his wmd anymore (underneath george bush's table i presume since he was looking for it underneath there 2 weeks ago) and instead of the routine life, there's murders and bombings just about every other day. what more peace can this world ask for. i dunno you tell me. the world seems to be such a peaceful place after america bombs everywhere. what's next? a certain **rea up *orth? well they do have weapons of mass destruction and they do threaten to use them. you can be for sure of that, so how bout a pre-emptive str*ke aei???

i just think i am the luckiest guy on earth to have found him. i've just told mark this, and i am going to repeat it. he's simply the best guy i've ever met and found. i can describe or put to words how much i love but i really do. and we'll make it. dear, you're the best.

i just received 2 emails from some visitors that chance upon my blog. and hey, thanks for the email i really appreciate it and i am glad i can give that little light for you guys. and just to prove my point to a few close friends of mine

taken from the email from fulooshou

I have had my share of problems with people. Christians, Cynics(is that how you spell it?), Close friends... Blah you should know la. I mean over this period of time this short four mths. I made a new friend as in I get to know her better. She's straight and I'm her first gay friend. She said I made her think alot(because I'm her first gay friend). And so she started to think about gay people, on how they have to live against prejudice, on how hard it is to make a stand in this society, on whta is actually so different btween gay and str people..... And she came to the conclusion that we are no more different than that we like people of the same gender. And then she shows her� very support in a way that I don't know how to put it in words. But you should see it. Hmm.. I'm overwhelmed by her supposrt and encouragements. And I think I've become more brave. It's amazing la. I've changed in a certain way, in her presence. Ok if she sees this, she will think she is god. Ahem. But it's like even my closest pals from secondary some fo them still can't accept the fact that I'm gay like some of them still think two gay men hugging together is disgusting. I hmm.. I'm very grateful.

Your Oprah Winfrey quote is inspiring too. If you don't know, I've been obssessed with it. Ha.. ok no..
Ok from the beginning, I think you are damn brave. Keep the gay pride up. I hope I will become brave enough to join you. Cheers.

and saying hi to ed all the way from aus. no worries, you can always email me anytime you want!
--------
onto another matter, the weather is absolutely dreadful these few days. i make the best of it and went swimming but the sun was really beyond me today; went gymming instead. think i am exercising a bit too much these days, feeling sore all over all the time. (i can somehow imagine mark coming up with some dirty thoughts.....)

planning for a trip with him to some nearby country. i would fill in more details when things are confirmed! finally a dream come true for me; to take a trip with my stead and spend quality time together. ahhhh, it would be even better if it is a sight seeing trip. then i can just hold his hands or wrapped my arms around him and enjoy the beautiful sights.. hahaha yar la dear i know its abit mushy la!!! hahaha

go read this. exactly how i feel.