i would have had soo much to type, but there's so much to be said, of which so much can't be said, or typed, whatever. i don't feel like i'm up to it to even explain to the world. trust is so important, it can never be overrated. in a relationship trust HAS to exist and it has to be the number one thing. and when trust is lost, it takes a lot to find it back, and it never comes back fully. something will be missing. you can love someone so much that you can even forgive the gravest mistake, but sometimes, you can't trust the person. and it hurts so bad when it happens, knowing that you love someone but you can't trust that someone. forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge the future. but what comes after forgiveness? do we forget after we forgive? do we bury the hatchet? do we just shove it aside?

and i wonder if i can fall asleep tonight.

sometimes people just get sooo sick of correcting you. KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. that came from george orwell. simple words and expression aren't too shabby for a great author, so come on my friend, use them!! STOP the four, five syllable words already, and you use it all wrong - WRONG CONTEXT!! lets not even talk about your expression. urgh.

anyhow FLO n ZACH won the amazing race. WTH right? i mean flo the ultimate bitch. i mean did you guys catch the show. she's like doing the most work: zach carries her bag, zach does all the road block, and that she's ever done is complain that "i can't do it!" "its like impossible" "you know i can't do it" "no you do it zach" WOW....... she sooo deserves to win. thank god zach didn't get on with her or something. if i were zach i would have screwed her upside down and cut her up to pieces already. i think they won cos zach is soooo patient and sooo incredibly nice.

too much to say about my first month, but not in the correct state of mind to put it all down in words now. just that it was truly an amazing evening, and the night after was even more amazing!!!

anyhow forget to mention that prom king of hcjc is gay.. and my god, i thought no one knew. but my first 3 months classmate who is in vjc now knows that long ago.. god

i don't know if any of you guys read the ZaoBao. but if you do, you might have remembered a shocking article written by a hwachongian on, well surprise surprise, gay issues. to put it more accurately, it is about friendship and love. here (http://www.geocities.com/edgartanch/friendsforever1.html) is the translated version of it. what i've got to say is that it is so true. something similar happened to me... well do check it out yar.

i've often associate different people with different songs. its like somehow there would be songs that reminds me of people close to me. for some strange reasons, most of the songs are by savage garden. it just kinda dawned upon me that music plays such a big part in my life, my friends life. music brings people together. and, well, arouse such strong emotions.

actually all this rambling is because i heard the savage garden songs and my past just crept back. reading the article above didn't help much. i feel so wierd. i mean i am happily attached and all (tmr's one month anniversary... ooh more on that later) but somehow the feelings don't disappear. like i've said it before, they hide in some corner and crawl out when you least expect them to. and now i wonder what went wrong? i mean we had something. it was more than friends, it was so much more. its been 2 years, won't you talk to me again? what if i told you i did that cos i loved you? what if we've talked instead of argued? what if?

but nothing's gonna change now. its over and done. i'm not talking to any of them. i would really love to call V up and apologise and ask for forgiveness, but i can't do that.

anyhow, tmr is our one month anniversary. what is it you said, one month is very short? well that's because u are straight dumbo. in a gay relationship, anything that last for more than a year is as rare as green pandas. well maybe not but you get the picture. anyhow i think one month is very special as it signifies the beginning of something long lasting, so it would celebrated in elaborate fashion.... well the original plan was an isolated beach with tons of sparkles and associated lights with mat and finger food and little details which you don't really wanna know, or should know. but then all the problems start setting in like the whether, the availability of a location, the lack of time... so i think i m savin that for another time. there's another grander plan though, something which i would not say now. maybe after it has been done yepyep. ok am very sick now, so going off to rest. tata

i'm back! yep where did i disapper to?? perth!! to do what?? visit the airforce school there so that i can get introduced to all the cute pilots. no lahz not that shallow. it was a sorta incentive trip to show us the good side or airforce and to clear any of our doubs about it. its a great place, the cadets are treated as humans, i mean, there's individual bedrooms, a tv room, a toilet with DOORS!, kitchen, heater, internet acess, all in one block! yesh and in the OMA, there's a wide screen tv with CABLE!, pool tables, table tennis, a bar with CHEAP beer... i mean what more can a trainee ask for?? but i got to see the bad side too. the stressful lifestyle, and i saw a guy getting "chopped" from the airforce. sigh.... but i am still going to join the airforce, cos flying is what i love...

something really wierd happened today. i was out with mel and we went to the bday party of this girl. and i saw my EX, ohmygod, you can't even begin to imagine how wierd it was. i was feeling so awkward, i'm with mel now and my ex is standin there. mel knows and he was enjoying the scene of how angry my ex must have felt.. but well.. its been so long and i've put it all behind. he hasn't : you know, you don't have to go and tell anybody anything.. i don't know any of them, what's the point of putting the blame on my, does it make you so happy to accuse me? yeah i stole the limelight again.. i always do, just because you are not the centre of attention whenever i'm around and that no girls fawn over u and ask you for ur number doesn't mean u have to do that. i'm fine, its over. there's no use in me explainin myself to them, cos most prob they don;t even wanna know. and if u really want to know what they think... ur plan failed - you almost made me cry but i didn't - to them u appear to be sooooo narrow hearted, so petty and they thought u were lying. i love him now and that's it ok. i don't want you back. not now, not ever.....

I MET JAY CHOU TODAY!!!! yes i did.. i met him at power tools, hereen in the evening. WOW it was soooo amazing. i was walking past this guy then i thought he was cute so i looked at that guy, at the same time he turned around and i saw his eyes and i went "that guy is jay chou". after some discussion and grabbing a few girl-friends of YW, we decided to ask him. so i went forward and asked if he was jay, turns out that HE IS!!!!, we asked for a photo, but the stupid manager refused and pushed us away (not violently but as a gesture) saying that he is here to shop and not work, i asked again saying its just A photo, then jay was like going to give in, trying to say ok lahz.. but the manager was rather insistent, so they kinda went off, then jay turned around and gave me the "i'm sorry, the manager doesn't allow" look, and he nodded at me, i was like just smiling back.. MAN i tell you, my heart just kept beating insanely.. i couldn't breathe for a moment. i understand he's just a human too, but he's jay..... not very tall, about 173, good built, not fantastic but goooood. decent fashion sense, small eyes , could use some shaving....

then after that the bunch of girl-friends of YW went off to sentosa, and they msg YW that they all think that i am very handsome.. hahahahahhaah.. a great day overall went all around town taking many pictures.. maybe share some here?? we'll see about that. but now i stink so i've gotta go bathe

you never really get over somebody, it just stays somewhere inside. sometimes that person stays so well hidden that the feeling just dies, but somehow that person just pops out and everything just spins out of control. i hate the person, yes i hate. but as much as i hate, i have never reconciled with anything. it was something that was left hanging, then buried. and then you said something, something that echoes in my head, and it starts spinning and spinning. and i don't feel alright.

i feel so old, was out with my sister and we walked half the day and i ended up with a backache. well there was someone offering me a backrub hahaha... anyhow i think my back is failing me. do you guys know, i do not have a straight spine - its kinda bent in a s shape, yes i am not straight but it doesn't mean anything.. anyway so i think it is because of that problem (i think it is called mild skelosis or something like that) that i am having backaches... yeah.. gotta go now.. update more tmr.

this is going to be a long post, bear with it.

i've finally finished my exams, 12 years of studying just for this day, and its over. just like that, within a span of 10 days. the feeling is just wierd. i don't even know how to begin describing it but it didn't feel particularly good that it was over, just a sense of relieve, like a burden off my shoulder. initially i was exhilarated, but i swear the end of a's is nothing like it is made out ot be. you tend to feel a lot more tired and you would prefer to sleep than to go out and havok all night.

i caught ghost ship by the way, and it is so LAME, please don't catch it. i am not going to do a lengthy discussion of the film just that "the management would be really unhappy" is sooooo LAME!

i turned 18 over the weekend, sunday to be exact. well it was really funny spending it mostly on my geography. hahah but it was a great birthday. lets see, raydance baked me some cookies - they were quite nice considering a person who can't even cut mushroom baked it. oops. no really they were good, thx raydance. j bought for me a super expensive cd, i never expected him to buy it, but he got it still, was really touched. my sis got me a cd too, one full of cute guys - my mvp valentine soundtrack. my parents are getting a new guitar amp which is alot more powerful than my existing one, so now i can introduce guns and roses and x japan to my entire neighbourhood!!!! i got meself a cd too, the iron maidens greatest collection. some guys shared money and got me a really lovely guitar book. all in all, a great birthday, not to mention the little surprise i got outside my house....

from www.fridae.com try to read it, its nice and makes plenty of sense, but skip it if u must.
Just the other night, I was spending some quality time with my computer, engaging in a little p2p file sharing. Then it happened. A message from another user popped up on my screen screaming: �Faggot!� Mortified that I�ve been outed in Cyberia so unceremoniously, I confronted my intruder on his claim. The following is a transcript of our intellectual exchange:

Me: do i know u?
Him: no but i know u r gay.
Me: what makes u so sure?
Him: oh please, look at your mp3 collection... Madonna, Kylie, Gloria Gaynor... how obvious can u get? u might as download some Barbara Streisand songs to make your gay collection complete!
Me: that�s it? u think i�m gay becoz of the music i listen to?
Him: u gays are all the same�you listen to the same shit... faggot!
Me: did something crawl up your ass n died? get out of my face you bigot!
Him: freak!�
Me: fascist!
Him: cock sucker!
Me: asshole!
Him: homo!

I got disconnected just as I was typing my retort. Maybe somewhere my fairy god daddy cannot bear to see me stoop to my verbal assailant�s level and intervened before I sank even lower. When I went back online, he was nowhere to be found and I never heard from him since.

Fuming, I reached for my cyber-fiend voodoo doll (pins and other accessories each sold separately). While pushing in the third diamante pin on the spot marked explosive hemorrhoids, I cannot help but agree with my online nemesis. Gay people to a certain extent do listen to the same kind of music. While I dare not profess myself to be a gay music expert (my fellow Fridae scribe Ms Scary has that dubious honor), I shall in my capacity attempt to give a brief rundown on what is commonly labeled as gay music

Like any other subculture, we have our own set of social conduct, lingo and of course, embrace a certain kind of music. Just go to any gay club and listen to the kind of music that gets our booties shaking and you�ll know what I�m talking about. Some would even as far as to claim disco music as gay music.

Believe it or not, disco music that we know today has been heavily influenced by gay clubs in America as early as the 60s. It was at that time that the first bars reserved exclusively for gay patrons were opened across the States. For gay people then, visiting these bars was a truly liberating experience for they can finally dance with their men without public persecution.

While straight bars all across the country were playing rock and roll and horrendous straight music, the gay bars favored soul and R&B, which had a more regular dance beat and a lot more attitude. And it came as no surprise that gay people then preferred music by black people for they were likewise shunned and discriminated by society.

When black oriented music evolved into disco funk in the early 70s it became a little too inaccessible to the gay community, as most of them were white. As a result of gay demand and the increasing number of gay record producers, a lighter form of disco music was created. With a faster tempo and more pop oriented, this new sound allowed gay clubbers to celebrate their sexuality in style on the dance floor.

By mid 70s, disco music was gaining more and more popularity and finally, the record companies pushed the music to the masses, thrusting a sound borne of a subculture into the mainstream.

Fast forward to the 21st century, while disco music morphed and continued to be a fixture in straight as well as gay clubs, the gay crowd today is also dancing to different sound. Trance, techno and house music are regularly featured in gay clubs. Abandoning their disco roots, there are some clubs that are devoted to playing only this type of music.

One reason why such music is gaining popularity in gay clubs could be the increasing use of recreational drugs among their patrons. In a state of drug induced high, you no longer can swing your arms in the air and lip-sync to your favorite gay anthem. All you need is a thumping regular dance beat to match your racing heartbeat and a repetitive hook to spin your head in psychedelic circles to enhance the high.

Of course we cannot assume one is gay just because he listens to trance or disco. After all, trance originated from a mainly straight dance culture while disco has become mainstream since a long time ago. However, like my online foe suggests, there are some names in one�s CD collection that invariably signals that the collector is batting with the boys. Names like Madonna, Cher, Kylie Minogue, Elton John, George Michael and the list goes on�

Female gay icons in particular have a special place in our hearts for they openly express and sing about emotions that we have to stow away in our closet on a normal workday. And they do so in style and a whole lot of attitude.

Uninhibited and outrageous, these divas lay their cards on the table, thrusting their sexuality in your face, doing what most of us can only dream of doing. You can bet your gym membership that the podium queen you see gyrating to Madonna�s latest hits is picturing himself as Ms Ciconne shaking her ass for her devoted subjects on the dance floor.

While I may not have covered all the different types of music that constitutes what we label as gay music, we can already see a trend from the list of examples above. Not unlike people of other (sub)cultures, gay people turn to music as a source of inspiration and a means of escaping from our dreary existence. I for one am proud that we have better taste in music and choose to do so fabulously.

As for those who dared sneer at my brilliant mp3 collection, may they rest eternally in hemorrhoid hell

that is really very true, if a guy you know likes tori amos, you can almost be certain he is gay. there is this tori sorta fan club in singapore, all but one guy in the club is gay, the girls range from lesbian to straights to fag-hags. and all the above mentioned artiste, i like them and i do have their songs, just that in place of gloria gaynor i have the cake's version... and did i say i LOVE kylie... like all other gay guys hahaha

got my entire post a level's schedule planned out, all the way from now till dec 16. there's an activity almost everyday other than one or 2 empty slots. yep and i'm going to bed now to prepare for tomorrow

a few lessons learnt while mugging

1. younger brothers are the bane of everybody's existence
2. every elder brother has the urge and tendency to mash up their younger bro to tiny chunks, shove them through a sausage making machine and feed them to the china people....
3. never listen to guns n roses while trying to study, it usually leads to some jumping, playing air guitar and behaving like a gay guy who just saw justin timberlake naked on his bed
4. don't leave lecture notes lying around, you tend to forget they were there and may not even be bother to read it later on
5. i should really go and sleep

i received a phone call just about 2 hours ago, and i was instructed to open my door. i never expected to find a cake sitting outside with a present and a card place on my gate. i was shocked beyond words. kinda sat down and read the card and....

i thought it would be quite weird to be 18 just a day before my A's, but i guess life always have surprises for us. i am really very happy, thanks guys, love ya all!!!!!

i know i don't make sense sometimes, but usually it happens out of necessity. cos sometimes there are somethings i can't say it out straight. i end up rambling on about nothing, but some would understand what its about.

i thought about you today. its been like how many years, 2? 3? you are still alive and kicking i believe. sometimes i miss you terribly, i dreamt of you, did you know that? but even in the dream, i was terrified of you, i was running away from you. and you were right beside me, and i never felt more alone.

i just don't feel right, yeah i think its not fair. i mean, you know. it shouldn't be like that. can i say something? can i just say something. no i don't want to just say something, i wanna say something and i want you to think of the something i've said. like think about it.

my father refused to let me drink my vodka, yes its mine, and i haven't opened it. i wanted to, you know, grab a sip and you know. but daddy said no. sigh. anyhow, there's something i wanna say but too lengthy to type and explain. and i did something so so so stupid (don't ask, its about some chanting some stuff before i sleep)

nothing much to report, but till now things are still fine. GP was a surprise - the compre was on Singlish. i can't imagine how the examiners are feeling. i mean do they even know what singlish is like? hrmmm nothing new in life too, other than the fact that i am turning 18 this sunday. i should think it would be wierd to be 18 the day before an exam. back in sec 4, i actually went out to celebrate cos there was a couple of days break. hope parents get me what i want, and i should love to go out after nov 21 and meet....

time for laksa!!! (yummy lunch)

i am not even going to, wait i think i am. MY GOD the papers today were so UNEXPECTED. firstly, the math paper was not the usual kind of question. it was much easier than the specimen papers, but definitely harder than the previous years. overall it was ok, just a few careless mistakes and i didn't how to do one question. so should be fine (i hope). but econs, econs, econs. do you know that it has ALWAYS BEEN THE CASE that there are 12 question, i repeat 12 question. for some strange unknown reason, only 11 came out. well the one question that didn't came out as NIA (national income accounting, which would have been something so easy which i studied!!!!). and yes my fave topic - elasticity - came out hidden in one question and i only realised it after i finished the paper. what luck i tell you. thankfully i studied market structures and it came out 2 questions on it, my ass was saved by that topic. all the questions this year were strange, as in they were not the usual question. a few of my friends were completely off in the spottin, i seriously hope they did ok.. the only 2 questions i spotted accurately was the labour market and NID, which i obviously studied.. so not too good a paper, not too bad too.. hoping for the best...

I SLEPT AT 3am last night cos some JACKASS rang my HOUSE phone at 1.22, waking me up. and i was already having trouble falling asleep (i was kinda nervous see). so i gave that bugger a big scolding and msg him and told him to use his "dumbass brain to think, why would anybody call and this hour, it so ......" and then he replied that he wished i failed and cursed that i would fail... my god he is so getting it back from me. i am going to so make him cry and torture him. i envision crucifying him, then slowly, scooping off small amounts of flesh off with a metallic spoon, so that he doesn;t die, but bleeds painfully. and that it would be a slow but painful death, watching every piece of him slowly comes off, until finally there leaves his torso and head.. by then i would cut open the skull and scoop the brain out while he is still concious!!! MUAHHAHJAHA

ah well, couldn''t resist the urge to blog.... anyhow, the war starts tomorrow, actually i don't view it as war, but more painfully trudging through a lot of essays. still there are some good news, i am THROUGH with maths as of tuesday. i will never ever have to know how to intergrate cos inverse whatever whatever, nor do i need to do 3d trigo or complex number EVER AGAIN!!!!!, and i will so go out and party so yep, gtg head back to work.

a little note:
do you know that while malaysia sells raw water to singapore at 3sen per 1000 gallon, singapore sells it back to malaysia at 50sen per 1000 gallon. the MALAYSIAN government sells it to the johoreans at RM3.95 per thousand gallon. the cost of treating THIER raw water is RM2.40, and yes the SINGAPORE government is subsidising RM1.90... now why was that never said by THEM.. no this is not national education, i was never very much with the singapore government on it, but this is just showing how irritatingly ***********Y$^$# some pple are

ok, the exams, yes the really scary "A" levels would be here in a couple of days. it starts on Nov 11th for me actually, and it ends on Nov 21. a short 11 days with 6 effective days of exams. yes my birthday is in the midst of my exams (the day before my geog paper actually) so i'll be celebrating it after the entire thing. this means that i would try my best not to blog for the next 2 weeks. but knowing me, before the end of next week, there would probably be a few post. anyhow wish me luck guys!!!

cheerioz!
[k]

recommended playlist for exams time listening:
cake - i will survive
foo fighters - the one
coldplay - don't panic
default - wasting my time
linkin park - run away
howie day - slow down
vanessa williams - save the best for last
and finally when it all ends
michelle branch - goodbye to you
sophie ellis bextor - take me home!!!!!

ok, its out, these are the things that i am gonna do/get after the a's. yep, of course i am not gonna get all myself right, since my birthday is coming soon, and there's christmas, so in case anybody that reads this, and don't really know what to get me, here goes!! hahah (just joking lahz, i appreciate and present that comes my way...) seriously, its tiring shopping for a present, and anyhow...

AFTER THE A's

PARTY!!!!!!!!!! (note that there's no number cos its a must immediately after A's!!!!)
1. BOSS GE 7
2. BOSS PW 10
3. take over friend's pedals
4. Filter - Amalgamut
5. Feeder - Comfort in Sound
6. Goo Goo Dolls - Gutterflower
7. Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up The Girl
8. Goo Goo Dolls - What I've Learn Abt Ego, Opinion, Arts & Commerce
9. Third Eye Blind - Blue
10. Third Eye Blind - Third Eye Blind
11. Matchbox 20 - You, Yourself or Someone Like You
12. Matchbox 20 - Mad Season
13. Led Zeppelin IV
14. Meet WQ
15. play lotsa guitar - complete starry night and start sweet child
16. gym, gym, gym
17. jog, jog, jog (yes in preparation for the army)
18. new clothes
19. my bike license (you guys know liaoz right? i am licensed pilot liaoz, can fly before can drive)

love?

someone told me its abt time i picked up the pieces of the terrible relationship last year, and try it again. i didn't want to, but it makes perfect sense that its been more than a year since we've went our own sweet ways. so i did as he said, picked up the broken pieces of the vulnerable organ and let it go and try to fall in love or whatever. and the thing that i am most afraid of is slowing inching back - like a deja-vu that unfolds so painstakingly slow. this person is behaving in the very same way my ex did, and it is just so scary. its like talking to someone that i know will hurt me, its like sending myself to my death. he was upset because i had to go home and study; i was watching tele, so i said i would call back after the show ended, and that upsetted him too. it is so so frightening that things are going just about the same.. i don't want it to be.. i don't dare to do anything. how do i even try to get out this shadow that is wrapped around me so tightly. is there anyone out there that can love me without hurting me? is there anyone out there that i can love without hurting? i guess the entire thing left a shadow on me, and it has not gone anywhere but all around me, like a cloth that is slowly pulled over my eyes, so that i can't see, like a cloth that is slowly wrapped around my entire temple - slowly, but surely, suffocating me.