my previous post which i typed during one of my most terrible hours was not posted. but i saved it and am wondering if i should put it up. actually i think i should cos this is what i felt like 3 days ago.

may 4th 2002
it has all boiled down to nothing. absolutely nothing at all. and yesterday i just sat down in the middle of nowhere and cried my heart out. i have never cried so much since jason 2 years ago. in fact i think it was just as bad. i couldn't even talk or walk properly. and thank god my jackknife wasn't with me. nothing much to be said though. just that it sums up that i'm a loser in love. and that most people take me as a toy "play with me when u have the time, hugs and kisses included batteries not needed" you know. it was too traumatising. but i'm ok now. and after all those promises, someone slowly wakes you up to reality and reminds you that promises are meant to be broken.i mean whats there left to believe in anymore?

and after all that i'm back at where i am 2 years ago when i am totally disillusioned. left with a shattered heart that is beyond any fixing. so tired of it all. it suddenly seems that nothing lasts anymore. but i'm ok. life goes on no matter what happens, bleeding wrist, tearing eyes, broken heart, one still has to go on with life. nobody waits and nobody cares. so that sums it up. if u want to talk to me about it, please do, but i've told you what you need to know so don't ask the same things.

but now i'm feeling very fine. met up with mel yesterday, talked and exchanged some views and returned some stuff. then it was time to say goodbye. the first few steps were particularly hard to take and tears were welling up in both of us, but i did walk off gracefully. and then suddenly, like some strange spell has been casted, i felt very happy, like a sorta release from something. i mean i was still feeling sad. it was sorta mix feeling. but i'm ok now. feeling yellow!!!

so things with mel have now been cleared and settled and we're still great friends. and now there's alvin. ahhh. don't think i did update any of you guys about alvin. well long story there, but trying to settle things too. not in the bad way though. hahahahah i need a hug

its been so long since i last posted anything. it really makes me wonder if anybody is still reading this blog. to my horror i just, like just, realised i can't even remember how my page looks like. well its just that army (particularly bmt phase) is exceptionally busy. most of the weekends are spent out. there isn't really much time to update this blog at all. and as usual my language probably went down the dumps. people do get stupid in army. haha, actually a large part depends on the individual, whether he is willing to continue reading and all.

looking at my previous post, i realised how much i've grown throughout army. yes in the army life is disciplined and strict. but sometimes there's a need for it. not that i am agreeing that it should always be so disciplined but that my view was too myopic back then. the facilities, well we are finally allowed to use them towards the later part of bmt, but then most of us don't use them anyway. and being a lowly clerk and driver, well that idea has pretty much gone out of my head - although it is still attractive. i mean if i can go through it and be pilot, why not? it sure sounds a lot better than a clerk or driver. in life, we have to try our best. since ns has taken 2 years away from us, why not take something back and learn a thing or 2 in ns right?

and me and mel; well we did not quite survive. long story but things are fine. i learnt how to live on and move on with life. one cannot let situation take control of you.

so its a week break for me. you guys will be seeing more of me from now on liaoz!@!!

army is soo tiring. everything they say and do is just a facade. like there's a canteen and a playroom where recruits are given the oppurtunity to relax. yes there are such facilities, but we can't use it. we are not allowed to use it. sheeesh. in the airforce, all trainees are allowed to go to tv room and view cable on the projection tv.... yar. argh, i so hate all the regimentation and all the spasticated rules and discipline. i am one who doesn't like nor can stand conformity (if that word exist). i mean singapore is encouraging creativity, individuality, and whatever; then you dump all the guys into an instituition that makes everything the same. and i mean everything. including how the clothes are folded and arranged. wow, how creative. we are asked to use our initiative in the army. just that whenever you use it, you get punished. if u don't u get punished too. hrmm.

i so wanted to get out of army, i so want to be a lowly clerk and just complete the liabilities, so that i can have more time to see him and my family. also i am quite afraid of accidents and i am just being a coward. but had a talk with darrell and he told me to just go and be a man and push myself till i can't take it. till then, should i decide to declare then it would be more justified. if i do it now, i might regret. makes sense.. so i would go on and try and that one year in australia, its a good test. if we survive, then it says alot about me and mel =p

and alas i am back home where i belong. note so self: army is not as nice as i think. i never thought i would be saying this, but my god, i love school and i would rather be going through some lit lessons or even econs tutorials. argh!!!! but then i am in the most "xiong" company. not like a certain mark and assorted SCHOLARS who are there. they get soooo much privileges, and all that crap. but i am too tired to type all that down now. just really happy i am back home, miss my family alot - one doesn't really cherish them til you spent a lot time apart. i am missing him alot. and most of the nights, i sleep with such a heavy heart. not because i am afraid i would lose him. i do admit that initially that was how i feel, but i realise we would make it, it just the distance apart that makes me miss him alot. oh well more updates tmr, gotta catch some much loved but missed sleep...

food for thought: the most obvious evidence that more intelligent lifeforms exist is the fact that they have not tried to contact us.

anyway am oen day away from my enlistment and i think i am actually quite excited about it. dyeing my hair back to its original colour, for fear of incuring the seargeant's wrath even before training starts. downloading a whole host of songs to add to my player, trying to get more underwear - don't want to wear the nice ones. thinkin about the future. should be quite fun i think.

the past few days have been quite good actually. spent time with him. thinkin about stuff and wondering why. he's been sweet, real sweet too. ah.

take care peeps, don't miss me too much!

hey guys, this is going to be long, but if u do have the time, please take a look at it yarz? actually nobody reading this is homophobic, but just in case u are. anyway the following article is taken off www.fridae.com

The word homophobia was coined by psychologist George Weinberg in the late 1960s. Weinberg observed that many straight people at that time had a deep seated aversion to homosexual people, one that was irrational, and evidence of emotional or psychological flaws, as he explained in a recent interview on GayToday. (See bottom of page 3 for link to interview).

I realized that something else was going on � more than simple mis-education. This was some deep emotional misgiving these people had, some phobic dread. It seemed to me the problem was theirs, not the homosexual's. I knew a landlord who had two lesbians living on the 5th floor of his brownstone and he couldn't sleep at night at the thought they were up there making love, and obviously the problem was his, not theirs.

Today, though, the word homophobia has been thoroughly absorbed by gay rights and gay community rhetoric, and has come to have a far broader meaning. For example, when a friend of mine was unsuccessful in a recent job interview, he blamed the interviewer for being homophobic. Another time, when the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade was lashed by torrential rain, I overheard a spectator lament that God and/or Mother Nature were obviously feeling homophobic that day.

On a more serious note, though, a couple of gay murder trials in Sydney over the past few years have gone in the guilty defendants� favour when judges have sympathised with the �irrational response� (that is, hacking people limb from limb with a blunt knife after bashing them to death with a stone) generated by unwelcome homosexual advances.

Homophobia exists, but like a lot of buzzwords, seems to get over used by anyone and everyone � straight or gay, casual or official - who wants a quick, generally accepted excuse for anything.

Real homophobia � the kind described by Weinberg before most of us were born � is hard to get around, and it can be dangerous. We�re all familiar with the basic assumption that a great many people have that gay people are a little �less� than straight people. Even if they don�t have a strong sense of hatred that is expressed in moments of fatal violence, a big chunk of the general population consider all things gay to be totally left-of-centre, and something that�s able to be �tolerated�, but not much more.

Even in sophisticated, culturally progressive Western Europe, marriage and insurance rights for gay couples are brand new, and received with a schizo-mix of relief and scepticism. In Australia, the afore-mentioned Mardi Gras is a hugely popular, out in the open money-spinner, but equal civil rights for gays are still in the �developmental� stage. Gay culture has yet to establish a stable position within mainstream society � so it remains on the fringe � a suspicious, misunderstood thing.

As a result, around the world, homophobia is institutionalised � endorsed by governments, the education system, and the mainstream media. It creates an endless and impenetrable cycle of misinformation and �bad press�, that gives people a badly biased view of a lifestyle they have otherwise little contact with, and at the same time denies them any access to imagery or information that may balance out their points of view

For example, when Bangkok�s Babylon sauna was raided in December, armed soldiers, acting on behalf of the government�s new, fabulously named Ministry of Social and Moral Order, entered the premises accompanied by television news crews. When Thais sat down to that night�s TV news, they were shown how committed their elected leaders, who they trust know about these things, were to cleaning out Thai society from the bottom up.

Never mind that across town in Patpong, straight pimps drive their houses of prostitutes with iron fists, exploitation and unsafe sex, while the Babylon is an opulent sauna, with no organised prostitution, but plenty of condoms and positive information, present. Walk down Silom Road, the main road that feeds the Patpong district, and you get offered girls and drugs every other step. Go into the gay bars, and you do so of your own volition � no one drags you there, and once you are there, all the patrons kind of mind their own business. Nothing was mentioned about this contradiction on the news that night. Around the country, grandparents watching have their homophobic views confirmed, while children looking on have their first exposure to homosexuality, and it�s negative and scandalous. If the police need to be called, and if the national media cover the event unblinkingly, who at home can argue with the serious need to bust the Babylon?

I was present at Babylon on the night of the raid, and at the time the Social and Moral army arrived, I was having a lemonade and a quiet conversation with a German airline executive by the landscaped, chlorinated pool. A couple of other people were there, sunbaking and chatting. A previous raid the week before had closed the upstairs cruising section, but even before that, Babylon never struck me as being a cesspool of vice and drugs, on the contrary, it resembles a five star Koh Samui resort for gays. If you�ve ever been to a Club Med, you�ve seen the rampant cruising and one night stands that go on amongst the heterosexual guests at �places like that�. Babylon isn�t much different, except that instead of Club Med�s limbo contests, it has a pianist and a jazz singer in the coffee lounge, and plays movies like Before Night Falls instead of Star Wars: Episode II. Nevertheless, everyone at Babylon that afternoon was rounded up and made to give a � urine sample!

It�s not being overly dramatic to compare this to fascist Europe before and during the Second World War � the process is, fundamentally, the same. Continue to drive home the message that a certain group of society needs to be monitored for their subservience, deviance and threat to the good of the nation, and the bulk of the population will believe that group is really like that. Worse, that group will itself start to fray at the edges, unsettled by its poor treatment, lack of welcome, and collective self-doubt. This is what institutionalised homophobia is � an established and at times unnoticed deep-seated prejudice that has a staggeringly negative effect.

Why am I lined up and made to provide a urine sample? I�ve never done that before, except at the doctors, where I�ve paid for a voluntary examination. Do they urine test the thousands of johns fucking their way through a hundred girls a week in Patpong? (Just in case you�re wondering - no, they don�t.)

And this is where things, in my opinion, start to get nasty, with gay people themselves believing, from the earliest age, that they deserve this kind of disproportionate official treatment. I mean, when I go home for Christmas, and I sit around the dinner table with my family, I know that my straight brother has never been busted at a sauna and made to give a urine sample, and that people don�t stare at him like a freak when he shows affection to his date in a public place. It�s not that I feel like I don�t have a place at the dinner table, but I do classify myself as a more sexually suspect person � my sexuality is more significant in my life than my brother�s is in his, and for all the wrong reasons.

Whether I like it or not, and whether my sex life is more ribald and active than his (it is, by far, I must admit), people think of me, and other gay and lesbian people, as more �sexual� people than others. In turn, I expect � or maybe I�m just used to it - to be treated with moral suspicion, or negative attention. So when they come for the urine sample at the sauna, I don�t kick up a storm and become outraged, as much as I roll my eyes and think, �this is kind of interesting�, and share a giggle with the gay guy lined up next to me, knowing what a story it�ll make for my friends back home.

This kind of understated reaction doesn�t have to be a problem, but at its worst, can turn into the dreaded �internalised homophobia�, where gays and lesbians doubt their own worth, and live with the assumption that their sexuality places them at a dubious moral and social place. Does internalised homophobia exist, and if it does, how many of us suffer from this kind of lower self worth, without, often, even realising it?

If you work a meaningless job through the week then party all weekend on drugs (and sometimes have unsafe sex with a bunch of strangers), a lifestyle familiar to many gays and lesbians, is this just cool city living, or evidence that your expectations of yourself and your life are pretty low? If you end up in lousy relationships all the time, or never end up in a long-term relationship at all, scuttling most opportunities of monogamy and permanent partnership that come your way, is this evidence of your carefree, independent ways, or are you convinced on some subconscious level that you don�t deserve a partner, or that no partner in their right mind would want you? How do you have a successful partnership anyway, when the law prevents you from marrying, and social mores prevent you from showing affection in public? You end up with a �lover� not a spouse, and you can only show affection behind closed doors, where it won�t offend anyone.

However, plenty of straight people have low self-esteem, and train wreck lives, and they don�t � can�t � blame it all on homophobia. Neither, in my opinion, can gays and lesbians. There are other influences at work, and we all need to take responsibility for our adult selves, and see how we are implicated in our own fortune/misfortune. Institutionalised homophobia is a dangerous pain in the ass, but fighting for respect is only successful when you believe you really, really deserve it, not when you know you can invoke �homophobia� as the devil behind every problem. When you do that, you do the same as the Ministry of Social and Moral Order, simplifying an idea, and creating a demon out of nothing, and that doesn�t get anybody anywhere.

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well what a long article. but still it kinda reminds me that homophobia still exist, and that not alot of people are open to the idea. i mean i am rather affectionate to mel in public. but it is nothing amazingly open, just you know hug him or just put my arm round his shoulders. such a simple gesture would still lead to people talking behind us and giving us looks. i mean get over it, good friends do that too. but argh too tired to type out in details. laterz

wow!, its been quite sometime since i last blogged. in fact its been quite sometime since i did anything. i have been bumming around aimlessly. well can't really blame me since i am going to be in the army soon. like about slightly more than a week away. nothing big happened anyway just that i have pretty much decided to take up wicca, well not exactly take up wicca cos that is a religion, but it is not the same as taking up witchcraft either, cos witchcraft is the old religion; and wicca is like the new revised version to make practising it much safer for people in our generation. but not much people here know or would want to bothered by what i am talking about anyway.

the poor woman that died in the mrt accident, she was a teacher in mel's school. it came as a rather shocking news to me, cos i have been pretty much cooped up in orchard and hougang and nowhere near any newspaper. i speculate she must have been pushed down by the crowd. just like how i wouldn't surprise if someone get ran over by the mrt at jurong east. the crowd is just insane. they push and shove around like if they are the first to get into the train, they get a free chocalate. its such a mad rush. and just a couple of days back, i just lost my temper and screamed at the mass of minions, zerglings, whatever; and told them to get the F*** off and let us GET OUT OF THE DAMN TRAIN. they behave like there's gold in the train. i had to kick this idiot away. argh!!!! DISGUSTING SINGAPOREANS!!!!!!!!!!

my heart just shattered into pieces when i saw him yesterday. that silly boy went to cut himself because of me. becausee i did it. my god. he didn't just slash himself with my swissarmy blade (i thought he confiscated it for my own good), he took a pen knife and did multiple slashes at the same spot. i just wanted to scold him, but i realised i should be scolding myself instead. argh.. heartache! then we hung around for awhile before i had to leave with mommy for this workshop. at the station, he kinda put both his arms around my shoulder, and i was so tempted to hold his waist, but i didn't. anyhow, that got quite a number of stares. apparently there was this 2 girls who were quite amused. just wondering how open are people to the notion of homosexuality. i know that people of my/our generation are quite open about it, but just wondering what are going through people's mind when they see me and mel together. ladida.. got a date laterz going off liaoz...

jewel - break me
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns
Like any rose
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
With with the sharp end
Of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
That could save me
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Kiss me once
Or maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
So break me
Take me
Let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Just let me
Feel your love again

you tell me that i think too much. but can i not think? do you want really want me to have no expression and just go "ok". i am only human. if i am not the slightest bit bothered, then you should be very worried. because i am bothered it shows that i love you my dear. i think because i care.

i am so tired now. but i don't think i can fall asleep. i am so afraid where my mind will bring me when i sleep. already the conscious mind is showing me things and bringing me places i don't want to see, don't want to know. in there, i see myself sitting down and watch my heart bleed to death, watch my soul drained by the tears. and i'm fallen and nobody is there to pick me up and catch me as i fall. and now i'm lying in my own pool of blood slowly losing my breath and all you can say is that you're bored and you need to sleep. but i don't want you to sleep. i want to talk. in a relationship, there must be communication. it is one of the important things that sustain a relationship. i don't want to sweep things under the carpet because i know that it will come back, someday. and my mind now is in a complete blank, and my heart is now dry, void of everything. and i'm lying here, dazed, not knowing what to do. would you just walk by and say something other than that? would you just hold my hands and talk to me? would you lift me away from here into the eternity where we belong? please....

i am so happy with my current position with him now, i hope we stay like this for a very long time. things are so lovely, sweet, stable and absolutely beautiful. there are quite a few things that he did and i just feel so loved all over again. i am so glad that i've gotten over that relationship and moved on. though that may be so, sometimes, in fact most of the time, i think too much for my own good. as much as i am so happy now, i feel very upset. the thought of his past, stabs like a knife. its so painful to imagine, or even to make sense of it. it is something that i can't accept it, cos it hurts him deep inside. and i know that if i could, i would go back in time and kill those people, that person particularly. i would not let anybody hurt him. i like to think that i would protect him violently, if needed. and in my mind, he's lying there: drunk, helpless, vulnerable, defenseless. against that person that would slowly but surely hurt him. and if i had to chance, i would walk straight into that room, give it all i've got and fight that guy. then i would drag him out that place, and bring him back.but i can't change the past. it has already happened. i've learned to not bother about the past because it is not the same mel then. he has changed alot and i am eternally thankful for that. but some people don't understand. i am not upset cos of that. its the whole notion of the lack of self-love and the entire issue of how hurt he got by others. its the latter that i really can't stand. and i can feel my rage and fury rising inside me as i type this. but i know it is only because i love him that it happens. as gross/disgusting/mushy as that may sound, its true. so if anybody can't stand it, don't read.

i wanna love you forever

its been quite awhile since i last updated. been busy and away. there was a chalet and some stayovers and plenty of fun. and i'm finally sitting in front of my comp for the first time in 2003 with my tomyam noodles sitting on the chair. HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS. 2002 was quite a year: i had more than enough trouble with the discipline mistress cause she was mentally unstable, SCHOOL'S OUT, met baobei early this year and got with baobei finally on my birthday. ahhh.....

spent 7 days and night with mel, not a single moment was spent apart, serious! and today i saw him again, nothing can describe how happy i was yesterday and today, especially at 5.15am today. hehehe. then i went to F's place to see mel. actually i was hopin to catch mel asleep, so that the first person he sees when he opens his eyes is me. but i caught him abit to late, he was just slowly awaking when i arrive. you know after the initial blurness when one wakes up, and then falls back asleep again then waking up? yep that's when i arrived. he was soo happy to see me, and i just missed him soo much i went and hugged him so so tight. spent the rest of the day together and i think we are not really bothered by anything anymore. as in, he slept on my laps and shoulders while on the mrt cos he was very tired. i hugged him that way (not the friendly way) in the middle of orchard and he kissed me goodbye at the bus-stop. ah i feel like i'm in heaven..

but still i cut myself 2 nights ago because i thought too much, about his past, about the incident that sparked of the trust issue, about us, about the future and i just lost it. i just took my BRAND NEW blade and slashed the wrist, and as the blood was slowly oozing out, the tears fell like the rain. it was beating down on my wrist and washing the ruby red blood off. pain. devastion. release. but today he saw my wrist. and i didn't want him to see, but he did. i tried to wriggle away, but he pinned me down. i don't want to see him, i don't him to see my wounds. but there i was lying on the floor, feeling so naked, so vulnerable. and as he slowly twist my arms around, i cried. he just held me so tight, and he didn't let me go. he scolded me, and said that i was so silly for thinking so much things that don't matter. i suppose he was right. and later he made me promise not to do it ever again. no one has ever done that, and i would want to stop it for him. but what if, what if i'm hurt by him again??

we'll last forever

i would have had soo much to type, but there's so much to be said, of which so much can't be said, or typed, whatever. i don't feel like i'm up to it to even explain to the world. trust is so important, it can never be overrated. in a relationship trust HAS to exist and it has to be the number one thing. and when trust is lost, it takes a lot to find it back, and it never comes back fully. something will be missing. you can love someone so much that you can even forgive the gravest mistake, but sometimes, you can't trust the person. and it hurts so bad when it happens, knowing that you love someone but you can't trust that someone. forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge the future. but what comes after forgiveness? do we forget after we forgive? do we bury the hatchet? do we just shove it aside?

and i wonder if i can fall asleep tonight.

sometimes people just get sooo sick of correcting you. KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. that came from george orwell. simple words and expression aren't too shabby for a great author, so come on my friend, use them!! STOP the four, five syllable words already, and you use it all wrong - WRONG CONTEXT!! lets not even talk about your expression. urgh.

anyhow FLO n ZACH won the amazing race. WTH right? i mean flo the ultimate bitch. i mean did you guys catch the show. she's like doing the most work: zach carries her bag, zach does all the road block, and that she's ever done is complain that "i can't do it!" "its like impossible" "you know i can't do it" "no you do it zach" WOW....... she sooo deserves to win. thank god zach didn't get on with her or something. if i were zach i would have screwed her upside down and cut her up to pieces already. i think they won cos zach is soooo patient and sooo incredibly nice.

too much to say about my first month, but not in the correct state of mind to put it all down in words now. just that it was truly an amazing evening, and the night after was even more amazing!!!

anyhow forget to mention that prom king of hcjc is gay.. and my god, i thought no one knew. but my first 3 months classmate who is in vjc now knows that long ago.. god

i don't know if any of you guys read the ZaoBao. but if you do, you might have remembered a shocking article written by a hwachongian on, well surprise surprise, gay issues. to put it more accurately, it is about friendship and love. here (http://www.geocities.com/edgartanch/friendsforever1.html) is the translated version of it. what i've got to say is that it is so true. something similar happened to me... well do check it out yar.

i've often associate different people with different songs. its like somehow there would be songs that reminds me of people close to me. for some strange reasons, most of the songs are by savage garden. it just kinda dawned upon me that music plays such a big part in my life, my friends life. music brings people together. and, well, arouse such strong emotions.

actually all this rambling is because i heard the savage garden songs and my past just crept back. reading the article above didn't help much. i feel so wierd. i mean i am happily attached and all (tmr's one month anniversary... ooh more on that later) but somehow the feelings don't disappear. like i've said it before, they hide in some corner and crawl out when you least expect them to. and now i wonder what went wrong? i mean we had something. it was more than friends, it was so much more. its been 2 years, won't you talk to me again? what if i told you i did that cos i loved you? what if we've talked instead of argued? what if?

but nothing's gonna change now. its over and done. i'm not talking to any of them. i would really love to call V up and apologise and ask for forgiveness, but i can't do that.

anyhow, tmr is our one month anniversary. what is it you said, one month is very short? well that's because u are straight dumbo. in a gay relationship, anything that last for more than a year is as rare as green pandas. well maybe not but you get the picture. anyhow i think one month is very special as it signifies the beginning of something long lasting, so it would celebrated in elaborate fashion.... well the original plan was an isolated beach with tons of sparkles and associated lights with mat and finger food and little details which you don't really wanna know, or should know. but then all the problems start setting in like the whether, the availability of a location, the lack of time... so i think i m savin that for another time. there's another grander plan though, something which i would not say now. maybe after it has been done yepyep. ok am very sick now, so going off to rest. tata

i'm back! yep where did i disapper to?? perth!! to do what?? visit the airforce school there so that i can get introduced to all the cute pilots. no lahz not that shallow. it was a sorta incentive trip to show us the good side or airforce and to clear any of our doubs about it. its a great place, the cadets are treated as humans, i mean, there's individual bedrooms, a tv room, a toilet with DOORS!, kitchen, heater, internet acess, all in one block! yesh and in the OMA, there's a wide screen tv with CABLE!, pool tables, table tennis, a bar with CHEAP beer... i mean what more can a trainee ask for?? but i got to see the bad side too. the stressful lifestyle, and i saw a guy getting "chopped" from the airforce. sigh.... but i am still going to join the airforce, cos flying is what i love...

something really wierd happened today. i was out with mel and we went to the bday party of this girl. and i saw my EX, ohmygod, you can't even begin to imagine how wierd it was. i was feeling so awkward, i'm with mel now and my ex is standin there. mel knows and he was enjoying the scene of how angry my ex must have felt.. but well.. its been so long and i've put it all behind. he hasn't : you know, you don't have to go and tell anybody anything.. i don't know any of them, what's the point of putting the blame on my, does it make you so happy to accuse me? yeah i stole the limelight again.. i always do, just because you are not the centre of attention whenever i'm around and that no girls fawn over u and ask you for ur number doesn't mean u have to do that. i'm fine, its over. there's no use in me explainin myself to them, cos most prob they don;t even wanna know. and if u really want to know what they think... ur plan failed - you almost made me cry but i didn't - to them u appear to be sooooo narrow hearted, so petty and they thought u were lying. i love him now and that's it ok. i don't want you back. not now, not ever.....

I MET JAY CHOU TODAY!!!! yes i did.. i met him at power tools, hereen in the evening. WOW it was soooo amazing. i was walking past this guy then i thought he was cute so i looked at that guy, at the same time he turned around and i saw his eyes and i went "that guy is jay chou". after some discussion and grabbing a few girl-friends of YW, we decided to ask him. so i went forward and asked if he was jay, turns out that HE IS!!!!, we asked for a photo, but the stupid manager refused and pushed us away (not violently but as a gesture) saying that he is here to shop and not work, i asked again saying its just A photo, then jay was like going to give in, trying to say ok lahz.. but the manager was rather insistent, so they kinda went off, then jay turned around and gave me the "i'm sorry, the manager doesn't allow" look, and he nodded at me, i was like just smiling back.. MAN i tell you, my heart just kept beating insanely.. i couldn't breathe for a moment. i understand he's just a human too, but he's jay..... not very tall, about 173, good built, not fantastic but goooood. decent fashion sense, small eyes , could use some shaving....

then after that the bunch of girl-friends of YW went off to sentosa, and they msg YW that they all think that i am very handsome.. hahahahahhaah.. a great day overall went all around town taking many pictures.. maybe share some here?? we'll see about that. but now i stink so i've gotta go bathe

you never really get over somebody, it just stays somewhere inside. sometimes that person stays so well hidden that the feeling just dies, but somehow that person just pops out and everything just spins out of control. i hate the person, yes i hate. but as much as i hate, i have never reconciled with anything. it was something that was left hanging, then buried. and then you said something, something that echoes in my head, and it starts spinning and spinning. and i don't feel alright.

i feel so old, was out with my sister and we walked half the day and i ended up with a backache. well there was someone offering me a backrub hahaha... anyhow i think my back is failing me. do you guys know, i do not have a straight spine - its kinda bent in a s shape, yes i am not straight but it doesn't mean anything.. anyway so i think it is because of that problem (i think it is called mild skelosis or something like that) that i am having backaches... yeah.. gotta go now.. update more tmr.