glenn medeiros - nothing's gonna change my love for you

paranoia, is that the word? its this sickening feeling that i am trying to chase away. and i personally feel that it is downright insulting for anybody to judge me and say they know me and they know next to nothing about me. does anyone sincerely believe that everybody is who they seem to be? and when people behave in certain ways, do you really just take things as it seems. it is definitely easy, a girl that sleeps around must be a slut; gays are deprived of childhood paternal love, hollow love life that just revolves around sex; teenage delinquents come from either broken families of the lower income group or families with both parents working so they lack parental love. CRAP understand (sheesh i sound almost military). point is if you don't have anything better to say don't. don't try to talk to me like you know me and go, this isn't how you should be, or try to sell me your fancy ideas. why don't you listen to me, and screw off.

there are many reasons which unless you know me personally very well or have been keeping with my previous blog since eons ago, that you would not know and i most definitely would not tell you about. things that i don't even tell some of my closest friends about. things that are better left unsaid, but still nonetheless affect a person as much. and if you don't know that and try to act almighty and try to think i am who you think i am. then good for you.

ranting on again yes yes yes. but i am on a emotional yoyo for no very good reason. i can't convince myself that i shouldn't be feeling this way. but i can't convince myself that i should be. i just happen to. and it is scary. scary because it almost seems that i am slowly but conciously trying to control, unsuccessful, my emotions (did that sentence sound awkward, cos i didn't want to type losing control of myself, a bit too strong). its just turmoiling emotions that i need to handle, with a little help maybe, but i must start to handle it. its just that after such a eventful a year, this guy needs to start to piece things back slowly. won't you stand by me and help me do it?

"she's addicted to nicotine patches, she's afraid of the light in the dark" - spark, tori amos

went out yesterday night for supper and it was quite an eventful night i must say. bigboss wanted to go out so we all followed suit. and i am booking out again tmr! YAY! met up with alex and stan for supper at geylang. there was this supposedly good 'taohuay' but it wasn't all that good. i still think that the 'taohuay' at rochor canal is a lot better. really. anyway i was just a little childish yesterday and something slightly unpleasant happened. i am not going to elaborate on it. but yar, i am just so glad that he is understanding enough. PHEW.

nothing much to update for now. but i would update mroe tmr night abt the clubbing things. hrmm lotsa things to say. sad sad sad.

miss you loads!!!!1

its a sunday and i'm waking up alone. yesyes, he's at camp serving out the last of his duty. there was some changes actually. he was supposed to be deployed to tekong to catch those robbers, but yeah thank god they were all caught. that stupid boy actually said "don't worry, won't die so easily, will come back see you one". can't believed he said something as well i can't find the word (silly?) as that.

lets see, went clubbing last night, frankie wasn't feeling great, so we went clubbing with a group of friends. was suppose to celebrate mel's bday with him yesterday (you know my ex??). but my goodness i don't know why he still behaves like i should give way and give in to him. please, you are my EX not my STEAD. throwing his tantrum around like he's the princess (quite like last time actually but i am not giving 2 hoots about him) the moment he met me, he started on this rant on why i didn't make it last weekend, and how i didn't apologised and he said it like "i can't forgive what you have done to me". WOW, i so owe it to him. but of course i know why he's behaving like that.

listening to fish leong and i just have to say that her album is really good. i have been listening to that cd for so long and i haven't gotten sick of it yet. wow. and yes i've found another 2 maccy in my junior courses. convinced another guy to get a ibook. another friend is getting the powerbook (he wanted it in the first place) and my sir too. watch out world! the mac's too good to be true.

back on a thursday because he's only free today. but glad i did because he'll be busy the entire weekend. means i would be all alone. haha but its ok. talked to him quite a bit and well its great. watched the eye 2, lets just say that i am very scared. yes really. not going to update much. tired. so update over the weekends yar. take care guys. missing everybody out there!!! i'm serious

"american christian fundamentalist used to rant agains jews and roman catholics until that became politically impossible. now they warn of the takeover of the country by abortionist, gays and secular humanist. and even that tactic is wearing thin, so the latest round of fund raising letters have a new enemy - muslim" - fareed zakaria, correspondent, newsweek (march 15, 2004)

i am fucking pissed again. i hate the absolute fact they when we say the pledge "democratic society" we mean ask the opinion of everybody else and fuck care what everybody thinks and we'll do what we please because we are NOT voted by the people to represent the people. fucked up fucked up. look at this month's RALPH magazine please. nownownow, look at how much FRONTAL nudity of the female's are there. look at all the CLIT THE FUCKING VAGINA AND NIPPLES AND LABIA (ok so maybe there wasn't the labia) but still. all this is singapore magazine and we made such a woohaa over nipplegate? and then my manazine issues which doesn't show anything much. just a whole bunch of topless guys that would drive the ladies and me wild.

point is why complain abt manazine when every other magazine is showing too much flesh, promoting lesbianism (ala madonna britney) promoting sexism when our own *uc***g Minis**r of Pa***me*t outrightly says that women are victims and they need to be protected from males because males are the agressors or whatever. promoting racial discrimination (need i say more about that, i am very very very very sure all of us in the service knows about somethings which is very very very inconvenient for me to say here) i am angry. i am pissed because they always say "our society is not ready" how the fuck do they know we are not ready if they never let us discuss it. it is because they know we are ready which is why they don't want to let us discuss. because we would win hands down. because we can think. my friends can think. being gay doesn't make me any less than all u guys sitting out there on the cupboard (aka cabin*t)

we are killing ourselves. brain draining. let me post up professor englebert artcle when i launch my new layout next weekend, and go read.

maybe i need some good sex

today's marks our 1st month of being attached. and it is today that i realise that its possible for me to be stable again and to feel so much for someone. though i am still quite insecure now and then, but yeah with time, i am very sure i will get out of it. he was kinda caught in a jam and he couldn't ans my call because he was driving (ok yes there was a jam, tp?? traffic police yar) so i was quite worried. i was worried that something might have happened to him. and that we didn't have much time together this weekend, as with most weekends. then i realise that i wanted to see him so much. and right now as i am typing this, i can't even begin to describe how much i miss that boy (yes yes mushy bits). its like, one entire week of being apart, i can only see him for that few hours. it is so torturous. well well tough but i must survive.

it was a fantastic first month. i'm so thankful that he came along and lifted me up. haha. u noe he's not a very romantic guy, but in that "unromanticness" is someone that is so sweet because of all the silly actions and everything, ahhhh *melts* did i ever tell u guys how did he ask me? u noe most people would ask in the most direct of manner. he.. well he... (okok wait i get his permission first then i'll type in the next morning ok?)

he's in camp now, next weekend. can't see him for the entire weekend after that. and the following weekend he'll be busy too. sigh oh sigh.... dear i love you

suppose to meet him today. but he was kinda tired, so didn't meet him. that poor boy was too tired to even talked on the phone. haha. wonders what other more possessive (did i spell that correctly - its late i can't think) people would have done. tired going to sleep. missing him so much. dear i really want to see u so badly. sigh

hrmm ok i feel better now. much better actually. he called and said some nice things and brightened up my day. he's just so nice you know. but actually i was kinda angry at him last night. haha i am not going to say why. but yar, it was mostly my issues. but i got over it and yes. me boo boo. anyway i've got extra duties, don't ask.

i hate people who owe money. i feel that it is basic courtesy for people to return the money they owe as soon as they can. i've lent 2 person some money. one of them owes me quite awhile, but that i can understand because he was really in financial difficulties and he needed time. he paid back half. so there's only a small sum left. but this other guy borrowed for nealy 3 months and its not like he's making any effort to pay back. instead of trying to save up to return it back, he spends it on unnecessary stuff. its not that i am money minded or what. its the basic principle and basic courtesy!!!!!!!!

sucks. i feel sick and lousy and terrible and crappy and whatsoever and yucky and moody and pmsy and not in the best of mood and insecure and upset and all those not nice words that a person can absolutely think of right now. yes i am feeling just not at the top of the world. not necessarily at the bottom of the world but i am rambling, crap. fuck me.

was suppose to meet him right? but well he overslept. and he had to go meet his secondary school mates. sigh can't see him. am i whining a bit too much? haha live with it people. can't blame him really, he had overnight duty at the airport, and some things happened, much like some holland kampong (translate it yourself) incident but i can't speak much less i want a warning letter from them.

but anyway i am surprise to read that joe satriani chose the darkness - i believe in a thing called love to listen to in his playlist. "don't the guitars in this song rock like you used to remember???" hahah listen to it. great song.

booking into camp soon. gotta study for testg too. bye people!!! take care

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hello folks. i went clubbing last night. ohmygod. its so fun. its been more than half a year since i last went clubbing. WOW, WOW and WOW. i clubbed and danced so much (well i only drank a bit, i don't need to drink to get myself high ahaha) and my hair just went to the floor (okokok lame). and so many things happened. haven't tell dear yet, but i would tell him when i call him later (just in case he gets jealous, hahaha). well he's still sleeping (duty again). but hey its not the case of the mouse coming out to play when the cats away ok....

anyway the boss of waterbar (this ex channel 8 actor) was there, and was just standing around. so i was there drinking and he walked past me and looked at me and smiled. so i smiled back (polite see) and he acknowledged it and pat my shoulder. swoooons. feels good to be looked at. hahaha. but i go clubbing for the innocent purpose of clubbing (really). and i bumped into alvin when i was club hopping. small world it seems.

reached home around 4, bathed and slept till just now. hrmm gotta study for test now. well i would try to at least!!!!

right, just sent my friend off to the airport, he's gone, for 2 whole years. it wasn't that much drama as mark's send off though. there were significantly less hugs and less tears. guess it was all held back. his stead was on the brink of tears, so was the family. but tears only started flowing after he walked into the gate. i suppose he didn't want to break down in front of us *trying to remember if mark cried* but anyway he was quite stoned; as in he was shaking hands. even with his boyfriend. then the sweetest thing happend, terrence (the boyfriend) pulled him close and hugged hiim (come all together now, awwwww) then we all followed suit *remembers hugging best buddy when he was going to cambridge*. and off he went, without looking back. thinking about it, i think i would be crying buckets of tears

i would be leaving in about half a years time, and i really wonder what would happen and how i would react, especially since i am now in a relationship, sigh sigh. this trip might be the beginning of something really really long. first to auz for 10 months, then possibly back to singapore for 2 months before flying off to france for a year. then if luck isn't on my side, i would be off to the states for 2 years. WOW. now that's a whole 4 years away. anybody going to be sending me off?? hahah

yes yes yes i am not going to be seeing him again because (surprise surprise) he's got duty again. well gotten used to it. spent a night over at his place actually, and woke up late and rushed and took a cab and. i suppose one can't complain about such things because i remember when i was staying in and my ex wasn't and he kicked up such a big fuss over everything. they just don't understand. it takes a lot of talking and love to get things lasting i feel. well though people say that NS is the grave of all relationships (gay or not) i am determined to prove it wrong. hahah just watch out world. though auz may be a big challenge, i am game for it.

hey guys, thanks for all the response over the email. i appreciate it lots. i am quite surprised that there are so many of you guys out there reading, 200+ hits a day. THANKS, you guys rock. anyway i just got back from camp (speaking of which there's something which i would share in awhile) and now relaxing after a long long day of lectures and prepping for my briefs. i would be meeting dear later and staying over (now now wipe that dirty thought off you head). tomorrow, a friend would be flying off to the states for 2 years, such a long time right (wonders what it would be like when i depart); so i would be sending him off in the wee hours of the morning. but yep will update again on that.

what i was going to say was that there's this guy who actually asked me to write a monthly or forthnightly column for this website. shan't say too much now till its more finalised. wow. i am quite honoured actually. haha. *humming away leann rimes - we can, thinking of the first entry already* hahahaha

booked out last night for a 'nights out' because today (wednesday) i am on duty. well you see, my buddy wanted to see his girlfriend and she's only free today, so i am sorta covering for him. and then well it is also good because dear is free yesterday night. so we met up at jp for some grocery shopping and ate a bit at mos buger. i seriously think i am eating too much; but the good news in all these is that i've gained weight. YES i am so happy. my weight is going up. lovely. now 5 more kg to go. and gym works. *hums i'm a believer....*

so yeah i am stuck in camp. well not really stuck lahz, can use the net and do some reading and play the guitar and talk cock over the phone. not that bad ain't it. hahah. i love my camp really. and waves to all the people reading this but i don't know that you are and i don't know who are you. but still i don't think i would be putting up a tag board or anything. my coach just got his tagboard flooded (well not really flooded but you know) with ridiculous people posting stupid stuff. but do email me if you have anything to say. nice prefably.

weekend's going to be spent constructively, i hope. booking out on friday (i'm on a long weekend). then going to dear's place to stay over. then sat morning will be sending darren off to the states. then later maybe meeting up with dear again. then there's jamming. then i may meet up with alvin to take back some photos. then (ok i shall stop using then, trying to sound like a kid). sunday would be spent resting and driving. anybody wanna date me?? hahahha

i caught marriage of inconvenience (is that how its spelled? i can't remember) over the weekend. it was not a fantastic play, but it wasn't shabby by any means. not going to say too much about it, but it was not as good as asian boys vol 2 (no really, i'm not speaking from a shallow POV - though it must be said again that the leads are gorgeos okokok) then i laid my hands on singapore's 1st and only unabashedly gay magazine. drools. its almost like the auz ones, except no privates are shown. but hey when the models are totally naked with ice cream on the abs, i am not minding it a single bit. muahaha (ooops)

then yeah he had duty and he came over, rather late into the night, to see me. that poor boy, he looked like a walking zombie. but it was really nice of him to come over for a short while. talked to him for a little while. somehow my insecurites are acting up again. and i just feel so lost sometimes. so yesterday i asked him (for you to find out, me to know) something which i knew the answer to but i just needed to affirmation. he told me "jus wanna let you noe i really love u alot alot and wun give up so easily. must believe me dear, i am really happy that i have you to share my life with." swoons. yes he's so sweet. i miss him so much already.

in camp again. yes. and he's got duty over the weekend again. sigh sigh sigh....

just received an email from louis. *waves* hello louis, thx for writing. going out to watch a play now. will be back!

read this. its written by my coach. wow you'll be amazed.

had a busy weekend. went out with my darling yesterday. didn't have much time together. we did nothing, just hung around and talked but i still enjoyed myself so much. dear i miss you! oh yeah, we went to LIPS cafe and we were like trying to get our hands on CLEO to see the 50 eligible bachelors; then he saw that it was lying on the table on these 2 ladies, and i never thought he would do it, but he went up and asked them for it. WOW. so there we were looking at the guys, and they were all so UGLY! yucks *remembers when kiez was flipping through CLEO with alanna last year, and how disgusted we were* this year was no different. in all honesty, other than 3 or 4 guys, me and my boy looks a ton better than them. *imagines myself posing for CLEO 2006 50 most eligible bachelor with the tag 'pilot' swooons*

haha. then i bumped into jeremiah in town, and met up jeremiah (again yes), siming, alanna and albs. well then had this send off dinner thingy for my friend who is leaving for the states. sadz. then went to this chalet sorta thing for another friend's birthday. so there, a really busy sat

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it seems that somewhere along my pursuit of my career, i forgot what i initially told myself. i wanted to make a difference. i wanted to (yes be prepared) a teacher. actually since i met my literature teacher in secondary, i've always wanted to be a teacher. and when i entered jc, there was this absolutely amazing teacher that cared so much for her students, that she taught not for the results, not for her salary but because she wanted us to learn; not just the subject but the essence of being. life. i was so moved. she left the school (wise choice, anybody who wants to stay is nuts) to teach in the school for spastic children (or something like that). and it is then i decided that i want to make a difference. i want to teach people (not necessarily being a teacher) and show them that there are so many things in life. that we can't keep our eyes closed and focus only on results and money. yet i realise i am slowly falling into the money trap.

i wanted to be the gay teacher (the good looking one thank you very much) that would let them know that there's nothing wrong being gay. that it is ok being gay. that there is no need to choose between being gay and the family, that love in itself has dignity, it doesn't matter who we love. as long as we love, its more than enough. its not about religion, its about family, its about love. that if they are different (handicap in some way) they are who they are. that we are too focus on the material side of life that we forget to wake up and be happy that we are alive. that we forget to appreciate the fresh air everytime we walk, that we can walk past the most simple yet beautiful sights like flowers blossoming and not take notice. are we all too hung up in our life?

in 4 years time,i would be taking home nearly 7k a month. and 4 years after that, a comfortable 11k. hows that? but does money really matter so much to me? if i can live comfortably, enough to feed, live, and look after my parents, i think that is more than enough, right?

i used to love the smell of freshly baked bread and love breathing in the fresh air. i should start looking closely at things again. its been quite awhile. lets wake up and smell the coffee!

"Marriage has been undermined by divorce, so don't tell me about marriage. You're not going to lecture me about marriage. People should look at their own life and look in their own mirror. Marriage has been undermined for a number of years if you look at the facts and figures on it. Don't blame the gay and lesbian, transgender and transsexual community. Please don't blame them for it" - Richard Daley, Chicago Mayor

can we all just fuck george bush with some rotting cucumbers? pls? apart from not being able to speak proper english, george bush has hit a despicable new low solely for political gains, case in point : bush was under intense criticism from conservative Christian groups as several key conservatives said last week that their followers would desert the Republican Party if he did not announce his support for the amendment.

�This is nothing more than a transparent election year ploy to use our lives and families to drive a wedge into the electorate and divert attention away from the critical issues that face our country. Marriage equality for same-sex couples harms no one. The history of our nation has demonstrated that separate is seldom, if ever, equal.' Yet, the President calls for just that: separate and forever unequal rights for gay Americans.�
" - Supreme Judicial Court Massachusetts

"To use the Constitution to discriminate against our families is un-American, shameful, and divisive. Constitutional amendments have historically served to expand liberty and equality � such as giving women the right to vote. This amendment would be the first to reinstate discrimination in our Constitution. There is no doubt in my mind that the American people will see this as an ugly and discriminatory game of politics. Americans remember the president's promise to be a uniter, not a divider. Today the president has broken that promise." - Cheryl Jacques, president, Human Rights Campaign

i am so hung up on this because "only marriage can bring me home"

go read andrew sullivan article on TIME 2 weeks ago i think.. heck i will type it and leave in the downloads section

got the following from alanna

Kie Zin:
You have good recuperative abilities and strong mental determination. You are very private and dislike others prying into your affairs. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You are compassionate, highly imaginative and creative. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

Teng:
You are an overly sensitive person, often falling into a savior-martyr role. You are very skeptical and have more than your share of bad luck. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job.

ok, maybe i said abit too much? haha i don't think so. in fact there are great people out there who agree with me. and yes there are nice christians too. i just can't stand some of the followers that's all. do you wanna know what they did in OCS during our christmas celebrations last year? we invited this church chior to come and perfomr and they were sorta distributing pamphlets. that was still ok and all. but when one starts reading it, it was just so wrong. they were outrightly comdenmin the catholics. calling it "a devilish, blasphemous mass" and i was like flaring up. you get my point about how a lot of them over-doing it.

anyway i am the library now, just ended my first test. it was ok. might have a couple of mistakes. still can score above 90 i hope. ahhh, didn't talk much to him yesterday. he was out with his gang and this girl called iris. since she doesn't know head or tails about any of them (she assumes they are str8 but i bet she figured out by now, i mean how could there be a gang of 4 men still unattached to any girls after so many years and they are decent to cute looking?) anyway then he was actually on his way to my camp to find me. but i was already sleeping and for the uninformed, i am in quite a daze when i woke up, and i won't know what's going on. and i thought he and stan was only jokin that they were on thier way to my camp. if i knew it was true, i would have woken up immediately and sprang down to the guardhouse and just yeah see him. sigh sigh... hrmmm, no lah, not jealous of the girl. i mean like duhz. hahha

and tomorrow, i would treated like a tea-bag. will be doing this survival drill thingy. and then i would dumped like tea bag of sorts into the sea. yes the open sea. sigh sigh sigh. anyway i would be going to catch the asian aerospace this friday. haha weekday yes of course, trade visitors? yeah but i have my ways i m sure we all know about it by now. hahahhaha.

i think there's something terribly wrong, terribly wrong about the way people are interpreting the bible, you know that book which some people claim to be the ONLY one that is true. you know that one. ok ok. then, there's the thing about how they worship it and say they don't but only pagans worship. and yeah. that one. how can someone take a story and use it to live. if u use it properly, its good, but there are people who twist it beyond context. to the fact they are so forgiving you know, but everybody else is wrong and should die. read this and tell me what you think. email me m_roadster4@hotmail.com

hey folks. yes i didn't post for a couple of days. well was kinda busy. and alanna doesn't seem to be feeling too good. are you alright girl? anyway yes i am in camp now. for the uninformed, yours truly is staying in again. yesyes because my course is starting. so here i am, after 2 days of attending lecture, sitting in the internet room, talking to all of you guys. anybody miss me?

did anyone have a good valentine's day? i had great valentine's day. in fact it is the best i ever had. went to catch asian boys vol 2 which alanna really wanted to catch too but i already had a date. it is a very good play, and ivan heng is a really really good director. and besides, all most of the actor was so good looking, ahhhh, and there was this really really cute actor with a TO DIE FOR figure, dropping his towel revealing his ass, covering only the essential bits, my eyes nearly popped out. anyway enough with drooling.

my valentine's was spent at conrad, business suite. yes dear got that, and when i went in, my jaws just dropped. i was damn touch lorz. and i gave him a box full of prezzies. an addidas water bottle, cos he doesn't drink much. irints diary, so that he can write down all the things we went through. bum underwear, don't ask. elva xiao cd (which i bought on the day itself). a card, a pen and a box. hahah. he gave me a sovil et titus watch. he's so sweet to know that i don't have a watch (cos i lost all of it) haha. ahhh so sweeet. we had the best time together just enjoying each other's company, watching finding nemo and other stuff. hahaha. well well i might not be able to see him this weekend cos he got 2 dutys consecutive, sigh sigh sigh....

and i thought you grew up and became more mature. when it was all just in spite. and a lame attempt at distraughting us. gosh, grow up my baby. its about time. i can't believe this. sheesh.

Silent Equals To Perpetuating Homophobia

why do singaporeans always keep quiet? why do we allow ourselves to grow into a mould? why do we take up the subversive role? why?

the singapore government wants to promote creativity right (time magazine ran a really sarcastic article on it a couple of years back), and therefore they do not want us to be in the box, they want us to think out of the box and not grow into the square mould like our parents did. but instead, they redesigned the mould into a circular, and make everybody believe we are safe by thinking out of the box and growing and going where we want, but we must fit a mould, no not the square mould, but a circular mould. all these talks on freedom and creativity, is all but a beautiful curtain of lies drawn over our eyes, making us believe that we are free from the clutches. but are we? can we really be who we are? does anyone dare to drop out of school to pursue what he (i am not going to say she for not discriminatory purposes, but to save space) wants.

would you dare to stop schooling and write a book? play your music? or start up your business? mostly likely not, and it disgust me so much that we aren't even that far from china. can i even be gay? no there's is no law saying you cannot be gay, but when every single you do is illegal, you don't really have a choice, do you? UN is finally beginning to start a resolution, on making gay rights a human right, because we cannot treat anybody as a lesser being just because of his orientation. if not it is equivalent to saying {insert minority groups} cannot get married because. {insert minority groups} cannot have sex because. {insert minority groups} should be imprisoned because. and i do not put in any reason because they simply have no reason. i am bloody gay and bloody human. and for goodness sake, the bible never ever said there was anything wrong with being gay.

the bible was translated a gazillion times, and in middle english, the word sodomy did not even existed. it came about only a century or less ago. Jerome translated the bible into english, and when he translated it, SODOMY (u noe fucking in the ass) wasn't even a term, so how can one say that it is sin NOW when the word didn't even exist. SODOM - SODOMY? churh was a political power, and they would do anything (in the past) to remain in power, hence they needed to crush us. because gays were a rising threat. i am not anti-christian, i'm just so upset by their followers and some preachers and churches. one must understand that this is all based on interpretation.

we singaporeans are very adept at adapting to western influences and culture, so don't even give me the nonsense of we can't change and all the crap, please. gay rights are human rights too, so to quote paul: gay rights are OWED to us, marriages are OWED to us.

hrmm, wanted to post a few things today. but then i realise that people don't really read long post. everybody wants to read short happy post or short sad post, then they would say nice things out of politeness, giving "hugs and kisses" and "truckloads" of them. and it just disgust me to no end. its so fake and hypocritical. YUCK. nobody really cares to read, nobody really cares about opinions. they just, well bother themself with their things. i am rambling, pardon me. i know this is so out dated, like so last year, but i so love this song and the lyrics (and not justin, yes he cute but he can't sing, sorry - go listen to their perf on MTV europe 03)

Black Eyed Pea - Where Is The Love
Elephunk

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how a n**** works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)

well well i am down with a very very bad case of diarrhea due to some food poisoning. yes i swear its that steamfood buffet i ate at marina square. ever since then, i have had terrible stomach cramps, at one point of time i swore i thought i was having some menses (and then i felt quite bad for the ladies who have to go through that once a month). so yeah i went to the docs and he gave me an injection in the rear (yes there goes my virginity) and i am 2 days mc. i feel so dehydrated. spend time with him last night.

actually speaking of last night, i have a lot to say. we were going to watch "last life in the universe" so i got the tix and all, and we were settling down to watch the show, then this elderly couple sauntered in LATE and were talking like the own the place. the lady ate so loudly she probably doesn't even know that one can actually eat quietly. so we all were glaring at them and telling them to keep quiet. then this other guy went to get the management. when the manager came and nicely told them to keep quiet, they raised their voices and said we are so petty everything also complain and they were cursing us using the name of god. i was so angry (nownow, everybody knows my temper right. so imagine me holding back very very hard) then i couldn't take it cause that guy laughed at a scene that was not funny and he laughed so loud, i stepped up and said "i feel embarrassed for you" and walked off. the manager apologised and said they would refund us. in the meantime, the manager got other higher management to come down and talked to them.

the old man kept asking the lady if the manager touched her hand cos he can sue him for molesting (like mirror people mirror) then they refused to move even after the ENTIRE cinema, yes the ENTIRE told them to SHUT - UP. and what made me blew was they was saying we are evil taoist. so when they took their leave after the manangement called the security, they kept saying god will punish us and nature will takes it course (yeah if he fell dead right there and then, then yes nature did take its course) so anyway i said to them loudly "if you call yourself christians, you are the biggest disgrace to christianity"

on hindsight, i should have said (in all brit accent) "you are god's biggest mistake, ever"

ahh, yes yes the last post was a bit long for people to digest, but yes. sigh sigh, one whole weeked without dear. why must he be confined in camp? sigh sigh. but yeah, had a great day, went out with a my junior in the morning to go grab lunch and catch up and played some tunes on the guitar. then went out to ktv with buncha mates, and there was this guy who could sing so well, that if you hid him in one corner, you would honestly think it was a girl singing. he sang one night in beijing, the female. yes yes. and then hung around, went for dinner and that about sums up my saturday. boring right? yeah i noe too.. anyway latey now, going to sleep liaoz. one weekend without lying in his arms.. lovesick...

taken from paul's site

the thing that worries me is that - more often than not - arguments advocating gay rights seem to come only from gays themselves. but that makes it much easier to demonise the argument: "you're gay - of course you would ask for rights. why wouldn't you? but please, respect our space." it makes it easier when it's only the PLU who's doing anything because you can paint them as a renegade, no-good, emotive bunch of selfish freaks of nature.

no civil rights movement has ever succeeded without the help of those outside the discriminated class. i feel it is much more powerful when a heterosexual says that he believes in according respect and dignity to gays than to have ellen degeneres come out on national tv.

i think it says a lot about the majority and dominant class who prefer to keep silent rather than to try and involve themselves in the fight. how the state treats an individual should be of concern to all of us. when the state abuses it power against the weak, it should matter to all of us. it says a lot about an individual who believes that minority rights are "their" problem. let's just carry on with our lives because we're not affected anyway.

but history has taught us that a government who believes its people to be pliant will soon extend its power against anyone who dissents. so that in the antebellum period in the united states, not only were blacks enslaved, but even whites had their freedoms taken away: no one could speak, no one could associate, and for long periods, the NAACP had to fight to keep their membership list secret because even the whites themselves were afraid of reprisal.

so many singaporeans complain everyday about mrt noises, gst being raised, buses arriving late and of the government not listening to them. you want to know why? because the government has no interest in being interested unless you are. the government has no real incentive to make deep fundamental shifts in philosophy, thinking and behaving unless you are. if the government thinks it can get away with superficial, stop-gap improvements in municipal issues, it will do just that.

people say these bread and butter issues come first. no. it does not. failure to deal with such issues is only one manifestation of a chronic unwillingness to cede autonomy to individuals and having respect for the intelligence of society. if you think that problems of individual liberty and economic issues can be divorced and analysed separately, you're dead wrong.

but it's not only about how the government interacts with you. it's a question of how important you see yourself as being. if you believe that you're an individual, a person who can think, reflect and formulate positions, if you had any self-esteem at all, you would want the government to recognise your right to conscience. the ability and protection of your ability to do what you believe in, and to behave as you think is right is so fundamental and intrinsic in how you see yourself. i cannot understand people who say rights don't matter because it means that you don't matter. as my constitutional law tutor said, the ability to withdraw yourself from the homogenizing power of society is so crucial to the education and formation of a morally complex human being. in other words, individuals must have privacy and they must be given autonomy to decide for themselves and to learn from those decisions.

(i'm not going to get into the insulting discussion about third party harm because it's clear enough i'm not advocating violence or crime.)

people who think that this is just about gay people getting it on with each other totally misconceive what is at stake. it is about the state regulating who you can form intimate relations with. if the state doesn't say that it's wrong for a pretty girl to go out with an ugly guy (and how many time have we seen that already?), if it doesn't say you can't use condoms, can't get an abortion, so that procreation is not in issue, then what's left to justify this double-standard? what's left to justify an arbitrary flexing of state power against people it deems 'not normal.'

homosexuals should be prepared to fight the good fight. but heterosexuals who refuse to do so are equally morally blameworthy. guess who i think are being selfish?

there are many things i don't understand about the world and the way they view homosexuals. the state or massachusettes is legalising gay marriages because �The history of our nation has demonstrated that separate is seldom, if ever, equal,� the four justices who ruled in favour of gay marriage wrote in the advisory opinion. The court decided that a bill that would allow for civil unions, but falls short of marriage would establish �an unconstitutional, inferior, and discriminatory status for same-sex couples.�

The state �has failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason for denying civil marriage to same-sex couples,� the court wrote.

�Barred access to the protections, benefits and obligations of civil marriage, a person who enters into an intimate, exclusive union with another of the same sex is arbitrarily deprived of membership in one of our community's most rewarding and cherished institutions.�

i mean like duhz, it all makes sense right, why should gays be the ones who are marginalised all the time.

But Randy Thomasson, head of a lobby group in California, Campaign for California Families, has this to say to the conservative Worldnetdaily: �[T]he Massachusetts ruling "shows why some judges need to be recalled or impeached."

"When four arrogant jurists in black robes literally dream up homosexual 'marriage' and impose their subversive plan upon the people, it is cause for patriotic men, women and voters everywhere to rise up and take back their government," he said.

so then why should they be allowed to impose THEIR subversive plan to marginalise all homosexuals on us. look we are just humans, like you and many other people out there, the only thing is i love and can only love someone of the same sex. and what is the big fuss? look at the way singapore is handling the oral sex issues.

"Mr Arthur Fong (West Coast GRC) said that as the Government opens up, individuals and groups may try to raise particular issues. But he added: �Those who use this avenue must respect the space of others as well.�"

what i don't understand is how mr fong can expect respect in one direction (i.e from the oppressed to the oppressors) and say nothing about the other? if he refers to the act of sending the letters, that would mean that MPs should only have to address issues which they -want- to address. if he refers to homosexuality in general, well why then should homosexual space be any less respectable than heterosexual space? i haven't seen the goverment split any hairs about christian fundamentalists who want us "reformed" or "dead". or maybe heterosexuals simply take up more space cos they're all so fuglically fat while we're all so buff. smirk.

�However, I think the mere statistical presence of homosexuals among us does not make it the right thing to do and certainly does not imply fundamental shifts in societal norms.�

Just replace "homosexuals" with any other minority group and you could just about justify alnything you want. - taken from a friend's site

articles in full here and here

hehe. dear came over to my place last night. went for supper (he was quite surprised by the amount food i can eat for supper). and yep spend a great deal of time just talking and chatting with him. and well my sis was happily interrupting (not really lah). that poor boy, he's so tired. and he looks absolutely cute when he's tired cos his eyes would be red like a rabbit's. haha, anyway he commented that the new layout is quite depressing, ohwell, told him to read my wishlist. hehe. oh yeah, we went shopping at jp before he booked in, so anyway there was this really really nice shoe (its classified as a driving shoe apparently - with rubber soles from bridgestone, really) its sorta suede, in light and dark brown, and no it is not your normal sneakers, in fact it ain't even sneakers. and it is sooo nice. we both loved it alot.

i got that sneakers eventually after much nudging from him. i didn't wanna get it now because i am quite broke in all honesty. but he decidedly told the salesman that we would get it (the salesman claimed it was the last piece, but in their industry, everything is always the last piece) anyway so i went and paid for it, and guess what, he took my wallet and put in half the cost of the shoe. that silly boy. didn't even want him to pay for it at all. but yep.

he'll be confined over the weekend. ahhh, so sad so sad. i'll be missing him alot.

mark: yeah i will cherish him yeah.

new layout! new layout!

went driving yesterday. and it was great. haha i had so much fun and yep didn't cock up. am very glad. now i just have to hurry up with my final theory. stinks stinks. anywayz he's at it AGAIN. yesyes, he wants to commit suicide again. like how long is he going to take? my goodness. nobody seems to be able to talk sense into him. and well, if he really can't see any reason to live, then by all means. stop irritating everybody. sheesh. you know what i mean. the whole world is very bothered. and we honestly have our own life. you have it too, you've just got to live it.

went out for moon's (sorta) house warming thing. but it didn't turn out well cos mel went abit overboard. he snatched my handphone to read my msg (those from alex specifically) and it wasn't so bad if he had read one or two. he went to read ALL. everybody else didn't dare to read, eventually when mel snatched my phone, they read one or two. but he went on to read all. and that is really way too much. what was worse was that alex was there. i was so pissed. i made some caustic remark. and headed off for dinner with alex. then went to walk around before heading over to his place.

there's still something bugging me inside. sigh.

http://home.tiscali.nl/multicom/DaSchop/endofworld.swf

go watch that it is damn farnie.
----------------------
well today's a long day. i left camp at 1030 or something like that. i've got so many things i wanna complain, but i've decided against it, looking at the time now. and i'll be driving tomorrow anyway. so i am going to sleep early. but well, just wanna say that i am still quite alive, and yes yes i would post more tomorrow. definitely. night folks

for some strange reason, the moment i see you i just get reminded of my ex totally. the way your life is going, the way things are. for some very strange reason, i just want to tell you the world's going to be ok. i don't really know why, but i want to show you the same things i've showed my ex because i've changed him and i somehow think i can change you too. not that you should change or anything, but at least your perception of the world. no i'm not trying to court you or get you to bed or anything, just as a friend i meant. but seriously, i get that feeling inside me, that strong feeling of wanting.

and there's this article which i intend to put up. but i would put it up tmr instead, way too late now. alrighty, sleep well folks. alex i miss you!

wanted to post something last night. then i realised that i always post in the dead of the night when i am really sleepy, so everything is all over the place. so today, i've decided to post in the day. no i am not in camp now. falling quite sick, so took an mc today, after my leave yesterday. sigh sigh. poor me fell sick to the new year sickness. but i am quite alive, no worries.

went to the commissioning parade yesterday with one of my girlfriend. it was kinda wet (very in fact), but well i promised him that i would be there, and i wanted to see all my friends anyway. many people i know went as well, bumped into my senior who was there to witness his junior's commissioning. and yes i survived it with not much 'after effect' (yes i can't lie). he saw me and he was very happy to see me, all smiles and everthing. didn't get to meet his girlfriend though. thought i saw this girl, but i refuse to think too much. took a picture and i left shortly after. then off i went to find all my friends and saluted them (suppose to give angpao one, but they say the tradition doesn't exist anymore, yeah right). so i am fine.

and well well its been a rainy week, really really grey. i love and hate this kinda weather. if it was the school hols and i have such weather, i would absolutely love to chill out. but i am working and its not the weekend, so this weather is extremely bothersome. makes me feel so dreary and lovelorn too. sigh sigh. alex is outfield in this weather. hope he'll be fine. and hey, thx for walking into my life and being someone that i needed you to be.

and to you: yes that little 2 sentence in one of my long long post was talking about you.

hrmm damn interesting day. i just bumped into kor just now. like literally. i was collecting tickets for asian boys vol 2 at lot1, then as i was walking out, i just walked into kor. haha. so we decided to grab dinner together (we actually arranged for dinner on thursday). and we chatted for like the longest time. playing around with my mac cos there's still so much more to be discovered.

going to watch his commissioning tomorrow, well well, i don't know how i would feel or react, but i'm bringing this girlfriend of mine, and she doesn't know about me, so by hook or by crook, i've gotta hang in there, should there be any reaction from me. i hope not too.

alex is out in tekong for the rest for the week. hrmmm, well well hopes he's fine. tired again, though i'm on leave tmr. will update in the morning!!! nite folks

its been a rather interesting new year. i spent alot of time out, but amidst all these activities, i actually found time to think and reflect on my life. dunno why but i'm on a very reflective mood recently (sounds like some sorta mid life crisis thing) nahz. i have been leading a very, lets see how do i put it down properly (ok loss of words) 'action - packed' love life (yes terrible choice of words thank you) full of ups and downs. and well maybe abit too many changes for some people to accept, but i think i am fine. its just that somehow i feel that although i have learnt many things along the way, it is still very hard to make things turn out the way i want it to be. like sometimes i honestly wanna take a long breather then so many things happened (i wonder if i actually brought it on myself)

hrmm ok, i'm like super tired now, will update again. talking on the phone now with someone that walked into my life recently (and i am really thankful that he did)

hrmm, been really busy. i mean like really. haven't even had time to sit down properly and enjoy time with myself. busy and traumatic week i must add. and please pardon me for the lack of proper english and coherent sentences, am quite tired. but here updating my blog to let the whole world know i'm still alive and not quite dead (nahz i'm not into suicide - bad joke)

went out with adrian to return his webcam and had a great lunch at soup restaurant, didn't know that they had such good food. thanks for lunch. after which met up with alex. shopped around with him, went to hmv to look at cds then headed over to sembawang to purchase it (for obvious reasons). i've got for myself, liang jing ru's collection and camp VCD, yes dearest alanna, i'll pass it to you when i'm done (come on now, you owe me a big hug)

looks like i've to face my inner demon quite soon this wed. colin tells me not to go, he has my interest at heart. but i think i would still go. i promised him for one, for another, i really want to see him, if its for the last time. its been so long since we've last met. but no worries, i've already got a girlfriend to go with me (yes the gift of girlfriends - wonders if charrissa is reading this). i hope i would be able to take it well. if yes, then i am finally on my way of moving on and picking up those pieces. lets see what happens.

thank you alex for such a great day and for everything! haha i know by the time you read this it would be so late into the week liaoz, but still.

"you have to learn how to pick up the broken pieces and try over again. learn to give your heart to that someone new." someone said that to me 2 years ago. i never did learn how to recover from jason till that day. and it is then, i decided to go ahead and try to make things work with mel. we had a great relationship though it ended rather violently, we're still good friends. but i still can't get over alvin t. i don't know why i'm feeling like this. right now, as i am listening to "gui ji" or even "breathe" my mind would wonder and my eye would get teary. i hate this feeling, and i love hating this feeling. he went out of my life as sudden as he came in.

its only now that i realised that i behaved really ridiculously. and that i was indeed too clingy and i really misunderstood him. he wasn't exactly perfect either and he knew it and to give him credit, he really did try and i guess i was the who pushed him away. only now, that i know someone who behaves the same way i did last year, did i realise all this. that i was the one who caused it to fail. not to say that it wouldn't if i were more understanding and gave him more space. but the fact that the more i wanted him, the more i called, the more i messaged, the further he drifted away. it was never like that in the past. and then i lost him.

and so i am now unable to feel anything anymore. i can't make myself feel the same way as i did. i tried so hard. i had to leave you because i really couldn't get over my ex. although i was with him, i still can't feel strongly for him as much as i did for alvin t. would you ever believe me if i said that all i did was to put on a front and that i am really indeed crumbling inside. that i just wanted to him so badly to hold me. that i would really wait for him. i can't help feeling this way. i can't trust anything anymore. its not really nice to be dumped 4 times in a row. and like i've said so many times, how can i believe anything anymore. "promises are meant to be broken" "don't make it sound like i've cheated you (i want to be with you in the long run, i would never leave you - yar right)" "i would never make you cry" "i would never break your heart". overused and never ever meant. if you can't keep your word, don't ever make it. i never asked for anyone to promise me anything. i am that naive, i would believe you. but not anymore.

i can't feel anything, not now, not for awhile. i can't feel the wave of emotions running through my heart when i see anyone. yes anybody can be nice to me, but no it doesn't mean i would like you. i can't even force myself too. i feel so numb. jaded? i think i am a bit too young to be saying that but maybe.

i still call him now and then to chat. i tried asking him before but he never outrightly said no, but somehow i know we can never be. i still can't change the way i feel. nothing can fight that feeling. the feeling of me wanting to be with him. once he messaged me (the first time he initiated in a million years) and asked if i wanna chat, i just called immediately. we chatted and i was just so happy, at least he thought of me. now and then he would ask where i was, but mostly we are not near enough to meet. then one day, he told me that he patched back with his ex girlfriend (yes girl) and at that moment, my whole world just came crashing down. and i had to maintain my composure and replied in the most "plastic" tone, wishing them all the best. that was christmas, i was on duty in camp. i just went silent and left the room for washroom. he asked me to go for his commissioning parade, and at first i was jumping with joy, but after a few days i realised that his parents and his girl would be going. i told him that i won't be going because it would be really awkward. but honestly i am dying to go. i want to see him take that first step as an officer. and most importantly i just want to see him.

he just messaged me a few days ago, asking me if i was still going, and i asked if he really wanted me to, and he said he would really love me to go. guess what, i will be going. i don't know how i would react, i think i would bring a friend along (female too). what does it all mean? i don't know. and this time i really can't pick up the broken pieces and start over.

"these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase - my immortal"

yesterday was definitely one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. someone i know wanted to commit suicide because of me. well its too long and bothersome to post it up. but i wasn't exactly feeling my best either. in fact i felt absolutely shitty. but still went out with leon to get my games. damn it lorz, i cried while talking to him. like my straightest friend, and he heard me cry. haha. i had my shades on the whole day to hide those puffy eyes. then we had dinner (which wasn't that cheap). and he had to leave at 7. so i was left to walk around alone for the next 3 and a half hours because dearest nemes's decided to be fashionably late.

yep, he is back! haha missed him quite a bit ever since he flew to taiwan, and missed huiyi too, been quite awhile since i've seen them. so met up yesterday and they came over to me place. we had lotsa fun, made lotsa noise. and well lotsa things lahz. i'm too tired now to type properly. tatata....

i am still very pissed and very upset. damn it. damn it damn it. i wanted to post something very nasty but i decided against it. but anyway i've calmed down. and yep. i'll update again, many things to do now.

its been a while since i've posted anything. well its just that i have been going home quite late this couple of days due to functions, gramps bday, friend not feeling good and all sorts of nonsense. i really want to spend some time by myself and with some of my friends whom i haven't seen in ages. this is so terrible and there's nothing i can do about. i just don't see why i should be so nice as to make allowance for everybody and in the make myself suffer. but the thing is i can't. people often leave me with no choice. and i just want to scream at you. for god sake stop whining! (won't elaborate too much) whining doesn't solve anything and it doesn't make things any better. you want things to change and i tell you to do something but you refuse, if you don't to take my advice then SCRAM.

alanna i missed you! must must go out soon, i need to pass you something and grab my present from ya and just chill out and chat. and well lunz is coming back this friday, hoping to be able to catch him on sat. which means i may not have time for other things again. disgusting. disgusting. i want 48 hours a day, or i shall stop trying to please everybody and start pleasing myself.

and i am broke. yet again, my friend ran into some financial issues (so turn to the regular, nahz joking) and i lent him a sum of money. and i still have some over at colin's side. so i am quite broke actually. waiting for new year, (anybody going to pack me a big "ang pow"?)

and i am back home. finally. today is my first day back home. my first stay out day and ohmigod, i am so happy! happy shalalala. was attending this common officers training and had quite a lot of fun. we basically didn't sleep much. spent alot of time talking and having fun, drinking (not drunk this time). it really did bonded us more i suppose.

but honestly, i still can't settle some internal disagreement with myself. there are just too many things spinning in my head. i am not ready for anything. its too soon. i am fine, but really, i don't want anything as yet. it is not that i am fighting it or anything, but nobody really understands the concept of taking things slow. one step at a time. that right now, we can function perfectly well as friends and see where we go from there. so does it not necessary mean that i would sort out my time equally. i don't mean anything evil. but its just that i need time and don't push me. the more you try, the further i would drift, i don't want that to happen either but it will.

and then there's the case of my ex. i won't dwell too much into that. but try to understand. i really don't want to offend and hurt anybody. its simple really, it ain't too complicated. just don't work too hard, just let things run. if it is meant to be, it will. if it is not, then it wouldn't.

just had a really really great time with alanna and mark just now. ohman, its been a really really long time since the three of us went out and had so much fun. mark's leaving on tuesday and i can't see him off cos i'll be in camp and i can't get any off because i'm still stuck on the course. my best friend flying off again for 7 months. and to make things worse, i might be flying off to aus before mark comes back to s'pore, so that would make it one entire year without seeing my best friend.sigh sigh.

caught mona lisa smile, and it was such a great show, i cried too actually (don't think alanna knows) ok lahz, not cried but teared?.. went off for dinner at caught mickki brown at esplanade. she's one hell of a great jazz singer really. the crowd gave a standing ovation at the end. she's really really good. but i'm far too tired to type anymore. i'm booking in tomorrow morning. will update again at the end of week. take care guys, love ya all!

its a new year! so HAPPY NEW YEAR guys. last year wasn't a pretty good year from humanity (took it from a chit chat with adrian) and i sincerely hope that this year will be a much better one, with the new US election coming up i hope things change (ooops, a bit too direct?). i really do want to have world peace! i don't really have much new year resolutions, in fact i don't think i ever had any to being with. i think its because i have always felt that its useless and we all will forget our new year resolution by the time march arrives. but i suppose other than the previous mention wish, i really wanna be able to pass my course and become a pilot, and my father to be able to keep his job. and one more thing which i wouldn't post it up.

but for the material side, i've already got my ibook G4! so next on the list is my ipod, zoom gfx5, oakleys square wire and 40/80gb external hard drive.

and i did have a good supper last night, eating roti prata and clementi (that cheese prata store) then i went home and finished editing my course video. think i might post it up. its quite nice. was going to go for paradise countdown with my 3 gorgeous juniors. cos one of my juniors, she had extra tickets (yes they are girls thank you very much). but my mommy was afraid of a terror attack, so oh well, i was a good boy yesterday. hahah. i am passing out tomorrow, finally. booking in soon so take care guys!

and i was going to say something about being really really drunk, but never mind. i will update that when i am more awake. one more thing to say is that, i hope 2004 will be a better year! and what i really want for the new year, my ipod! hahah

actually i wanted to post all the messages up and return his words back to him, but then i decided not to. i decided that nahz, it would be too childish and that it would just be me but not in my most sanest of moods. then i deleted all the messages. it was quite hard though, honestly. but well, nobody really cared anyway, so off it went. then it just kinda struck me and made me realise with so much disgust that i don't even want to believe it. that i don't even want to acknowledge, but i have to. nobody asked for justification so don't.

and well, i called alvin t today. he's with his girlfriend. ahh, its kinda nice but i am soo jealous. i do miss him so much. am i insane? he asked me to go to his commissioning parade. but i have this overwhelming feeling that his well girlfriend might be going. argh.

and i haven't slept for the past 2 weeks. i am so so so tired now. i don't even know why i am still here typingg this. oh yar i am waiting for supper. think i am too tired to wait liao. good nite guys have a great year ahead.

i have only 2 wishes, one of which is world peace, and the other is to make myself happy like i am now, no worries and at peace with myself!

wow. i just found out the most interesting from one my friend just now. i won't say too much. one full circle. my god, i am not feeling in the bestest of moods. now. hahaha, look again, in the end, i'm still the fool. **** you to all of you out there. can't anyone of you just be serious. if i am cute and you really wanna play with my feelings, you are all welcome. use and throw. this is soo disgusting. its getting so repetative even i am sick of it. i'm up for sale, is there anyone willing to take me? fuck i am incoherent again. argh.......

and yes i am here finally! its been quite awhile. just really busy with my project work and all. i don't even have time to breathe (ok maybe that was a bit over doing it) but really i haven't slept much for the past 3 days. i retire to bed at past midnight, and the next day i wake up at quarter past 5 for a new day. sickening. i need to rest. sigh sigh sigh...

but well, i am so impressed by my ibook. its sooo cute! and there's so many things mac can do. its really impresseive, i'm a total convert. and yes i am typing this now on my ibook. hahah. i am going to revamp this page soon, so keep an eye out for it. by next weekend or the weekend after, it should be done. hrmm alanna should i do avril? ahaha, nahz think i would try something different.

my end of course function is coming up and it is going to be so boring. sigh i am trying my best to organise something fun. but i can't overwrite my ic. its not just me, all of us (yes its only me usually but this time its different) i'm going with my 1st 3 month jc classmate, quite close to me and she's hot and attached (haha thank god its me right?)

till now i still don't know why i miss him so much. i was just standing at the the mrt station yesterday, waiting for colin to appear, then my discman was playing breathe by michelle branch. this strong sense of longing just surge past me. it was really overwhelming. you know when i found out that he was attached again (back with his ex girlfriend - yes GIRL) i was shattered. sigh sigh sigh. am i whining too much?

oh sigh oh sigh oh sigh. people, make a guess where i am now? nope i am not at home. nope i am not at my friends place, and nope i am most definitely not at any cybercafe. i'm stuck in camp. yes in camp on a xmas day. how sad right? long story. lets just say that my friend kena extra duties and i'm covering for him. i've been here since 7 in the morning. sigh. the only good thing, i'm booking out on saturday. and there's nothing on tomorrow.

this christmas was also quite a contemplative one for me. thoughts about life, relationships and friendships are stuck in my head. after a short 3 years, i realised that i have grown alot and how i view such notions have matured. really thankful to alanna, mark, darrell, rudy, colin for always always being there. through all my ups and my downs. we may have our quarrels but we always do clear up the air and emerge closer than ever. lunz for sharing a good part of my j2 life with on weekends esp, thanks - i only realised how impt weekends are when i enlisted. huiyi, who is always so concerned and msges me to check on me whenever she notices something might be wrong, and having our food binging sessions ever so often.alvin t, yes that guy, i miss him. fallapart, thx for everything. terry, mel, jason, clay, thx for loving me. and finally my family, nobody in this world loves me more than my family and i love them ever so much, for taking care of me for the past 19 years. and to all those whom i missed out well, i am not that free in camp! but still thanks everybody. for loving me for who i am, regardless of well, which side on the fence i sit on or how blonde i can be. heheh

its just like killing a quail. you say nice things to it, you stroke it really gently cooing it to sleep, trying to relax it. and then you have to it. you just had to kill it, by ripping off the head. and the blood, the warm blood, the red blood, that thick and carnal scent slowly slowly drips down. after you remove the feather, you ripped the breast bone up to remove the innards. and that heart is still beating. beating for all it was worth, as if it was its last attempt to get back to live, what last attempt? isn't it dead? and you placed your hands in there, and that heart was beating, you crushed it. the heart died, the heart stopped beating.

and in all fantastic fashion, you left that helpless thing to die. and the heart's frozen. the heart's gone. and it doesn't even know why, or what happened. and isn't it always the case. nice words are bull shit. nobody meant it in the first place. when you make a promise, you always meant to break it. there's not a single person out there who would live up to his words. so why listen? why do you accept someone else's promise. why are you so dumb. don't you ever learn. from so many times. they will paint you such a lovely picture. even before they can know you. they would say they can bring the moon for you. and you believed? don't you know that behind those words are evil intention my dearest quail. such evil intention, such deadly intention. your heart will be ripped and you will bleed to death.

and sitting there in that waterfall, basking in the waterfall, he walks over "i promise to take care of you, and never hurt you" and he strokes you gently.

run, run, run.

"go away, go away don't kill me" you kneel down to plead.

*crack* *phalt*

dead liveless heartless devoid

and i am finally back from overseas! the training was well tough. its bearable for most people but a few of my friends collapsed. one had a very bad cut. but overall it was an amazing experience. being thrown in the jungle for 5 days and told to survive with absolutely nothing at all is really quite tough. and this training really makes me appreciate the really simple things in life that we always take for granted. my blanket, food. and we also realised that a man's need is not sex but food. we were really starving. and to make things worse, we could only talk about food the whole day, not that we were suppose to meet up with one another to talk. haha. and in the night, it keeps raining, and it is so cold, we were all shivering like chicken on the chopping board.

speaking of which. i killed a quail. it was not the nicest thing i have done in my life and i most sincerely hope that i do not ever do such stuff again. it was really er gross. the blood kinda spilled onto my pants. argh. not too much details here, just that we had to remove the head in one smooth motion, so that the quail doesn't suffer. then i had to skin it and remove the innards. but the heart was still beating when i looked into the organs. eeeeeks. then there was a demostration on killing a rabbit. gross!!!!

but i'm back now, in civilisation, ever more appreciative of singapore and all the things we have here. having great food the whole day liaoz. and i'm going out with daddy soon! update more guys!

and this is the last post you would see from me for quite long while 10 days to be exact. i would be back on friday morning, so anybody wanna date me on friday evening? drop me a msg. you would know my number. for those who don't slowly find out. i can't really bring my phone to camp therre, but maybe being the perks of the ic of the wing, i should be able to.

went out for this function just now, and now i am at home waiting to go back to camp. don't think will be sleeping tonight. gottta brief the wing, do some final packing, make sure everything that needs to be flown over to brunei will be flown over. but it should be ok. the only thing i am worried about is the killing of the poor little quail. sigh sigh.

ohohoh, a friend of mine questioned whether i was really active and top. ok, for those who think there's too much detail, you can skip this portion. he was just commenting that the way i behave and the way i talk and the words i say are just so inherently passive. like how i like britney spears. and its not just him, there's this friend from camp who commented that i am teeny bopper or whatever he was trying to say. and the said friend asked "how isit even possible people think you are active from that conversation" - in response to a phone call from one of my straight friend. i mean i know i have become more passive ever since alvin came into my life, and i have never denied nor admit anything, but isit that bad? i mean not that i drag or anything. but not convincing as an active mehz? sigh sigh sigh. must change.

nothing left to say. just that i am kinda tired, yes as always, and i miss clubbing. and somehow i feel objectified again.

oh dear alanna. not its nothing like that. its not that i'm not telling siming. of course he's in it, like we could do with anybody else. just that i'm stuck in camp, and i don't have alot of free time, so i told you and i thought you would tell him. oops, miscommunications. siming not really doing much is the ns bit, police mahz, not doin much in police. ohno. i just re-read it and realised it could be taken in the wrong light. argh....'

on a heavier note, yesterday i had a very quiet dinner. too silent for my liking. something is wrong. and we are taking a breather. he needs to think things through. oh well, shrugs. don't want to talk too much about me. i'm fine, really.

and i am leaving for the jungle on wednesday. i'm looking forward to it actually. building a lovely shelter and fireplace and just chilling out. i think alot of it is the mentality. and knowing how smiley i always am, i hope it would be a fun filled time. i know its going to be tough, but who says tough can't be fun. oh yar my ippt. i missed my gold by a few seconds. gold timing is 9:44 and below, i ran 9:50 argh!!!!!!!!!!

i need a hug

haha, just realised alanna is indeed reading me blog. hey, how do you tolerate the britney spears pictures? should i do a new layout for ms avril lavigne. i promise to make it nice? hahahaha. next year, i would be done with army, as in i would have finish my course and i would be able to stay out, so not much problem on that. and also jeremiah is the only one in the army by then, siming is not really doing much. hahah, i would call you soon over the weekend or if i have time over the weekend. so how's everything?

so happy that i am actually able to use the net. i'm in the mess now, its not always that we have the chance to come to the mess to use the interne.t its really cool, all the pc that we have here. they are like really fast and really cvool, with all the flat screen monitor and all. actually, we are having this workshop at the mess also, so yar can get a chance to use.

going to brunei next wednesday for 10 days, can't bring the hp also, seems that the camp over there don't really like pple to bring hp over. going for a navigation ex tmr, then this weekend should be able to book out early. one more exams and things are done..

mark, why haven't you updated your website yet. how's things in cambridge??? and stop posting so much recipe (did i spell it correctly??) sorry you know i don't really cook much. the last time i cook, the scene was like out of world war 3. hahah.. busy busy busy. lotsa things to study, 2 exams this week and gotta prepare to go overseas next week. want to spend more time at home. and don, how could you say that about me? wah lou, expose me to everybody. ahahaha, shall reject your testimonial.... nahz i'm a nice guy. realise that my language is really going down the drain and that i can't really type very well now, too long never type anything liaoz. ok, i think i going upstairs to the mess and take a nap. take care guys, i would post again if i have time.

ciaoz

alright. lets see, today i went out to the army market to get stuff for my brunei and thinking that i had the belt, i didn't bother to get it and to my horror i don't have it. argh. but i've got a myself a new bag. it looks really nice and its damn cheap. like only 20. its amazing the amount of nice stuff one can get at the army market. think i would make it my regular haunt for some clothes and stuff. then the rest of the day was basically spent looking for my other project, which didn't amount to anything. i simply can't find it. so irritating.

lotsa things going through my head. also don't know how to put it down properly. don't have time to write it down too. but on the good side, i have learnt many new songs. and hopefully we get to perform at the end of the year. alanna there's a basking thing coming up and i've got lobang. interested? i really really wanna perform..... please..??

didn't see dear for the 1st time over the weekend. strange feeling.

its a busy busy weekend. i have to complete my project report, which took me the whole of yesterday and the whole of this morning. and after this i am going to the army market to get some stuff for my brunei trip. and then i have to shop for some stuff for my other project. and this is going to be the first weekend that i won't be seeing him. but its ok. i guess i have to get use to it.

lotsa things happened but there ain't much time for me to post up anything now. gotta rush outta here. think i'll post it later when i come back if i have time.

some words can't be taken back - anon

just added a new link, chad's link, he's finally come up with one. anyway, spent the whole day today at home, being a good boy. and arranging many things, like my end of course functions. asked for the quotations and all, and the uncle was really really nice to me lorz. he like gave me the discounted rates and all. like he always does. think i am going to get a zoom gfx5 to stand in for the time being for my guitar fx pedals. i want a new acoustic guitar and a new xbox games, not that i have alot of time to play though.

other than that not much to update. but talked to yaowei. its been a long long time since i last talked to him, and we had such a great great time chatting and chatting and bitching, you get the drift. hope alanna did well in her exams. and mark, hang in there, i would not be here to pick you up from the airport =( but i'll be sure to see you the first thing i land, well maybe not the first but definitely the first few, unless u are sweet enough to pick me up from the airport with all my goodies. hehehe.

alright going off liaoz. tatata. and wonder's if dear can read this. take care!

'love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's despair'

so sang a little clod of clay,
trodden with the cattle's feet,
but a pebble of the brook
warbled out these metres meet:

'love seeketh only self to please,
to bind another to its delight,
joys in another loss of ease,
and builds a hell in heaven's despite'

- the clod and the pebble, william blake

no worries mark, i'll give you a seperate present, just because you were so sweet ok. and i am home again. awww finally. yes that's right. its hari raya. but lemme tell you this, we were the last wing to book out, because we were the only wing to indent dinner. for what right? might as well cut cost, and let me book out earlier and have dinner at home. but nevermind anytime spent at home is good time. i am so happy now. ahhh.

hrmm a hot pink tee-shirt from alanna, i hope i can carry it off, technically i can carry off any colour, seriously i can wear purple and still look good, now i must tone up my body more so that i don't look that gay wearing it. hrmmm, but seriously army is helping. haha. i realised that i am not the vainest guy, nor the gayest guy in camp (is that even possible?) i have friends who have more facial products and strange brands of body foam and shampoo that i've never heard off. and yes there are alot more gay than me. goodness

told my officer friend about myself, and i'm glad with the rxn, he didn't freak out on me. in fact he still treats me as a friend, although he doesn't really condone it. oh well, and i told him that i had a crush on him, ahaha. clay's in thailand now, hope he take cares of himself and not injure himself during training. going to watch america's hottest people (or whatever it is) finally can get to drool over guys, i can't keep staring at the mirror can i (muahahahah)

i wanted to say thanks, for wishing me a happy birthday, till i realised that you are getting a saddistic pleasure from watching things unfold. nevermind.

firstly, i wanna say a bigbigbig thank you to mark. he actually called me from cambridge on the night of my birthday. i was so touched, haha. thx mark, you are truly one of the bestest friend anyone could have (well maybe not since u are quite an acquired taste). a very tiring week. i was suppose to have 2 7km run this week but due to weather, one was cancelled. but nonetheless, there was still one 7km run and a 12km route march. it was rather tiring, and i have absolutely no idea how i survived the 24km route march and the 30km topo walk last time.

had a great time last night, met up with one of junior. haven't met her in ages, so met her up for a short while, then went off with my buddies for a japanese meal at this restaurant. then met up with dear. well, some incidents cropped up right before that, but this time, its kinda my fault. i've should have known better than to do that. i sorta told him that i don't feel like going over because i am really very tired, and i wanted to rest. i mean it was true, but i should have thought about how he was feeling and all before i said that. really, when alvin did that to me in the past, i was so furious, and he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. he just not showed up. anyway he kinda surprised me with a cake to make up for last week. but not much time to be spent together, had to rush home to do my projects.

things are well turbulent for now. hope it settles down.

if you would just look at the date that i posted that. it was yesterday. i posted that when i came home from camp. not after we spend the time together. i posted it in response to your blog. are you telling me that you have the right to post things about me but i have no rights to? yes i am breaking down inside. yes i am hurt, no i am not trying to make you feel guilty. why must you always be so negative. please i beg you to stop it. its is very very very very very very very tiring. i have no time left, can you don't do this please. we had such a great time, why must you always be like that. can't you not think negative for once. i am telling you this is how i feel. i don't want to make you feel guilty much less typing that blog with sacarsm.

i dunno what to do anymore. can you please teach me and tell me what you want? i enjoyed myself. if you can't see that. nevermind. i am at a lost for words now and i am booking in soon. i have exams coming up and guard duty the night. i really dunno what is it that you are looking for now. enlighten me if you will. i am lost, so lost, so tired, so torn out. WHY?!@!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!

and yes the rest of my page would be quite empty. i will update it once i get back from brunei and when i have time to spare ok? promise good things will be up, though i am quite upset about the thoughts page, all my nice little philosophy is gone. sigh sigh.

watched wishing stairs yest nite with dear. well it was quite a nice show, the plot was good. but it was not as scary as hyped, i mean i am wooose, and i am not that scared, so it definitely wasn't that scary. and thx alanna for updating my birthday. well well not exactly my best birthday, but it was nice and warm cos i had dinner with my family (sounds strange?) well its been quite awhile since my family went out together to have dinner, so yest we went to this hawker centre near my place that is famed for the curry fish-head and seafood and had a great meal. and yes such simple thing makes me very happy (told ya i am a very easily satisfied guy).


then today i have to rush rush and do my course project and think of stuff for wits and all and there's so little time. i would be leaving for brunei soon and i have to complete at least 90% of 2 projects before i leave. and to top it up we have 4 exams. where got time to do all these? though i do have more admin time here, i have little effective time to spend on myself cos so many things to do. sigh... and also of all times for things to spoil, they have to spoil now, my headphones and my wallet. sigh sigh.

wanted to talk to dear about alot of things, but i didn't dare to speak and there was no time to speak, guess i'll have to talk to him next weekend, but it would be a busy next weekend, will be meeting up with many people to celebrate a belated birthday, hopefully still have some time for him and my family (yes i am a very homey guy if you have not noticed by now). anyone wants a date?

i don't really have much time to fix up my site. i have a test this coming wednesday and if i fail it, i would be confined over the weekend, so i think i would be booking in early on sunday to study for it. 15 chapters. crap that's quite alot.

mostly i choose to keep quiet, although i am a scorpio, i really do cherish peace more than anything else. how could i want to quarrel. its not even in me to keep up an argument, after a short while i would be fine, but i think there are a few things i really need and want to say after so many things happened.

i am in camp, a school of traning in fact and i cannot bring my hp everywhere i go and talk like no officers are around. i will get caught and when i get caught, i would have to serve extra weekend guard duty and/or defalters parade (or however you spell that) and since the course that i am attending now is quite heavy lecture and physical training based. i spend most of my time, in fact on most days its 8- 5 in a lecture theatre, i do not go back to bunk during lunch. i can post up a traning program if you want. and yesterday i went outfield, so after outfield, naturally we have time, cos my schedule was till until 3 but we came back at 11, so i had free time to plan for the challenge course today and have time to msg. and if i fell asleep within minutes of putting down the phone, doesn't it all mean that i am really really really very very tired. since i have been waking up at incredible time becauses of my neighbouring wing having turn-outs and we having quite a few physical training this week.

if you think that its all fake, i shall not bother to dispute it. because everything i say will have no effect. if u think that i talk too much about the army, sorry. its what i do for 6 days of the week, 24 hours of the day. i can't talk about any other stuff. and if you feel that words are what u need and not actions, i apologise, if you do not already know by now that i let my actions over the weekends show u how much i care, then i have nothing to say. this is what it is and what it is going to be like. i have no control and no say. u may not understand now, but when u enter army u will. alvin was in ocs and i had a prob with him, but he was a lot worse, he would not even call me. we talk for less than 2 min a night, if we do talk. we eventually quarrel cos i got too unreasonable, and he wouldn't make any effort to call me. i spend all my weekends with you when i can. i love my family but i spend less time with them for you. i call u every night and talk till after lights out (you know the consequence if i get caught) i msg you if i have the chance to, if you think this is not enough, if you can't stand me talking about what i am going to do or talk about army and i can't say mushy things because my buddy is around me sometimes, then i am so sorry, it is beyond me. this is the best of me, the best of what i can do. you can check with chad, and find out what type of bf i am. how much i would do if i can. but if you want more, i can only say this is what i can offer. i'm hurt, really really hurt by what you said. but as always, the hurt stays inside, hidden by a smile.

my friend asked me why am i always so cheerful, isit a conscious decision. yes. and now after reading your blog, let me tell you that the words hurt like a swords piercing through my heart. every single you said but later on claim you do not mean hurts, and leaves an impact. i've told you so many times not to say angry words because as much as you don't mean it, the other person will take it to heart. i've hardly say anythin mean, not never but hardly because i know. but i want you to know that you've said things that you take back no matter how much you mean because it leaves an imprint in my heart. i'm trying hard, very hard and i have nothing more to say. i wanted to go about how happy i am today because it is my birthday weekend and i can get to spend it with my family and you, but after reading your blog, i am very very hurt. i wanted to say how much i enjoyed today because of the challenge and how out team outdid ourselves and emerged the top team in my wing, although we were not physically the strongest, but i have to think about saying it because its the army.

ohmygod, go go go go visiting this site http://mirrored.flabber.nl/britney.lookalike/

how come he can look like that? and well i think he looks kinda cute.. errr oops. clay is giving me the looks

and i am back this weekend. some little thing happened, thing it was the blogger server had some little confusion with my blog and someone else's blog. anyway, yesterday was a rush rush day. rush rush to east coast early in the morning. rush rush to go home (its a long long way back from east coast) rush rush to eat brunch, then rush rush to bathe, and then rush rush to get out and meet nigel (i eventually came out to him, he's such a *** keep asking sigh... but he's real nice) then rush rush to meet clay, then rush rush to catch the matrix. you get the drift. anyway THE MATRIX IS DAMN COOL AND VERY OVERWHELMING. its really very powerful. i shall not dwell too much, but the concept of the whole show and the plot and all the action, the emotion is just overwhelming (yes i am a very emotional person).

today quite pack schedule, gotta research for my project, gotta go and grab some food stuff for a gathering. then he's still sleeping now. he's such a pig. anyway my birthday is coming soon. muahahaha, finally. for those who intend to get me a present for have no idea what to get me, here's my wishlist

1. avril lavignes - my world VCD/DVD - the one with try to shut me up tour (hint hint alanna)
2. 2003 booker prize winner (can't remember the book title)
3. MEST cd
4. for those who are really really rich and think that your money would be better spend on me than on anything else. a
ibook 15" G4. hahah.
5. t-shirts (i don't have enough actually)
6. board shorts (don't have enough of this too)
7. but most importantly its the thought that count, really

and yes because i am a person who can't remember anybody's birthday at all (for those who know me well) i don't mind if people remind me about thier birthday, so i'm also doing my part for people like me. hehe *cheeky grinz*

surprise surprise, i finally have access to the internet. there's actually this internet room and during my free time i can actually use it. amazing isn't it. WOW, but there are a few websites they won't allow like anything with x in it. they would naturally not allow in. so websites like diary-x also not allowed. hahah.

but i am having fun now. its quite a tiring place. losta work to do. not a lot of free time. but this is the airforce, so slightly better. losta things happening this week, will update you all once i get back home, but i'm safe and sound. just some back injury. but MO said it was nothing. actually quite worried about my dad, he might be losing his job soon, because there's some privatisation. i can't lose my job, gotta support the family now. and i can't get my laptop and things. gotta start saving

anyway i am getting very pissed waiting for the appointment holders. getting really irritated. so i'll update it again when i get back home! URGH. playing with friendster now also. its quite fun actually

ohmygod, my new layout is out. gushes gushes. she's so gorgeous. sorry the links don't work now. because they were all on the old server and the old server was kinda wiped out. so gimme awhile to load everything up. and i'll be loading the pictures page. so friends, if you guys have any pictures, please send to me ok, so i can upload it all up for the world to see.

backache. backache. my god its so terrible, i can't even bend forward to consume my meals or brush my teeth. in fact i can't even sit for very long time. don't ask what happened. but its terrible. really terrible. i need a massage, desperately, anybody?

i'm quite proud of myself actually. just finished my fieldcamp and my fast march, kinda back to back (pardon the pun), which sorta explains my terrible backache (ok, so i said don't ask) and i've always got a weak back (scelosis or however you spell it). i never thought myself to be fit. in fact i think very lowly of my physical and combat fitness but i'm very surprised at my abilities. the mind is really a very powerful tool. i remember my pc told us that we need to try our best in everything that we do, and put in my best i did. i was the 2nd fittest. i walked up and down the hills with not much problem, i was one of the fastest guys during fast march and i still had all the energy to encourage everybody telling them they cannot be weaker than me cos i'm an airforce pilot. and i'm so proud that we stuck it out as a platoon. i can't bear to leave my current wing actually.

then right before i booked out for the last time, my sir asked me to go forward and he gave me his best wishes, so touched. ahhhh...

met dear and had a great time together. gave him a cd case for our 1 month, cos his cd case really cannot make it liaoz. haha. it's really very nice to see him after one whole week of missing him. but you know me, i never type much about such anyway.

and can i just say i so love being so evil. i am not going to elaborate but you can read up on my starsign on the me section. hahaha i am not above manipulation and stuff. it just gives me great pleasure to take slow painful revenge. great pleasure. why? because i am scorpio and i do sting as much as i don't want to. or maybe just because you are too much. i feel so sadistic. dear doesn't want me to be evil, in fact everybody thinks i shouldn't be, but come on how often do i get to be evil other than screaming my head off at mrt commuters (i just did it yesterday in fact, yelled at the top of my voice and i got my way. asshole singaporeans - the inconsiderate ones)