in my bitchiest response to an email sent by this christian in a desparate attempt to convert the world by telling us that pokemon is sent my devil and is the root of all evil and according to him 3 years back that that would be last year (partly due to pikachu and gang) and his best evidence was that in a pokemon contest, more than 50000 calls in a min to the radio station proved that the devil has taken over the world. i bring forth mr teh eng chuan's article

and my bitchiest response:

so you sincerely believe that man walked the earth the same time as dearest dino? and did the bible mentioned dino? i dun think but of course it could be jus one of those animals and dino happen to be a variation of an animal. now this would mean that you do not believe in cavemen too right? then how would u explain all those corpses of cavemen being found? and assuming if humans did walked the earth the same time as dearie dino.. den why wouldn't there be a single corpses dated back to the same time as the dino?? or maybe humans didn't exist the same time as dino...

"Surely God could not possibly have viewed the fossilized remains of billions upon billions of His creatures in the rocks of the earth�s crust as �very good� if such fossils really marked the end of His �creation� period." well darling.. god is suppose to be the most omnipotent... i am sure he can do that... and as your typing to other religion which has evolution in some part of it.. please do not try to expound you knowledge on other religion if u do not know.. buddhism is a teaching which teaches people about life.. it is a set of philosophy which teaches pple things like "you get what u give" and by understanding the teaching does one get enlightememt.. period.. no evolution.. and taoism is basically another different set of philosophy but the difference is taoist pray to different gods.. also known as polytheism.

"All the real facts of science support special creation� not evolution.".. what facts may i ask???

yes.. how life started is still a mystery and perhaps maybe there is a superior entity that created life cos the idea that life came from a single cell is just so improbable... still does that entirely disprove evolution.. why the whole fuss about disproving evolution.. is it because it shakes your ground? are you feeling insecure?? everything is made of the same elements my dear.. there are only 104 ++ elements on this earth.. even this computer i am typing now is made of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen and so on.. and as for souls.. can u prove the existence of souls.. if u are asking for a prove of evolution.. so let's assume that soul does exist.. because u prob would tell me that soul exist.. have u saw ur soul?? so if something which u cannot prove, u can safely assume it exist why can't u accept the theory of evolution?? yep there might be a creator.. a maybe.. if we follow desecrates chain of thought.. a perfect entity must exist.. but are u also having jus blind faith and sheer believe in something which is also not proven...

"There is no evidence whatever that such limited horizontal changes ever become the unlimited vertical changes required for real evolution to take place. �Microevolu�tion,� as some call this type of change, has no demonstrated connection with �macroevolution,� at least as far as any actual physical evidence goes. " dear this is precisely what i am trying to say... there is no evidence whatsoever.. so it can mean it can exist or it cannot.. cos u have not conclusively showed any evidence to disprove... jus because it can't be proven does not mean it does not exist... can u have any physical prove of god? does it mean god does not exist?? this is a question we as humans would not know....

your whole argument here is based on the fact that there is no real evidence and i say it back to u that u have no real evidence.. to understand evolution, u urself would have to know evolution, you claim that evolutionist have generally admited. and genectist have generally agreed.. are you so sure darling?? and for you info. evolutions implies an evolution and not changing for the better.. it is more of adapting to the environment... and using your example of the half-reptile half-bird.. let us assume that it was really a transistional creature.. of course it must have fully developed features that changes with time.. duhZ!!! such fully developed would have mean that it changed slowly and perhaps after this creature.. note the word perhaps.. there might be one with say smaller legs??

"Only a few bone fragments have been found that have been imaginatively construed as some sort of lower species of man. This is a strange situation in view of the multiplied millions of �ape-men� that must have lived and died during the hypotheti�cal million-year transition from the first apelike ancestor to man." dearest... the whole corpse have been found.. the WHOLE skeleton have also been found.. in case u didn't know, it has been found in africa 3 years ago.. at at ht of 4ft+ they code named it jane.. pls do research.. it is quite embarrassing to read wrong stuff... "The few fossils offered as evidence by paleoanthropologists have mostly been discredited by evolutionary anthropologists themselves." ermm right.. which fossils have been discredited by who.. dear.. concrete evidence!!! those are isolated examples that u have quoted

and finally darling honeycups why do u keep insisting that the evolution have proved to be harmful.. don't jus say it.. show it and prove it... such like i have mention u.. evolution has never ever stated that it mus be good.. it jus has to be done to allow it to better survive the condition... so even if like u said time and again... it is deteorating... relative to the environment.. perhaps jus perhaps it might improve.. it may suddenly dawn upon u that dinosaurs prob won't survive very well now.. maybe lizards may survive better in this condition..

and finally to conclude... you have showed no conclusive evidence and have only quoted isolated examples from an insignificant minority. ur case has also been lacking in conclusive content and most of all by mere presumption.. not to say the least a clear distinct showin of ur insercurity.. what is damn bloody wrong with the theory of evolution that have to make come up with this thesis.. if u can't conclusive disprove it... pls dun attempt.. it is a real embarrassment.. and to end of the same way as u did.. lets think together.. no one has ever seen god, no one knows how god works, there is no physical evidence like u love to put it.. so does it mean god does not exist? u should learn to consider ur own stand first.. before presenting such a flawed argument..

p/s: in case u are wondering.. i am an agnostic...

lotsa love...

yes i am feeling better. thank you so much ah yee for that cyber hug. feels alot better! ate lunch, dinner and most importantly my painkillers and antibiotics. i know tomorrow morning will be the worse day of the week because i would have to survive the night without painkillers, till the next morning. but it might just turn out fine.

for the uninitiated, it is of absolute importance to have the wisdom tooth extracted early, if it is impacted and causing problems that is. if it is not impacted, then there wouldn't be much problem. so go for a check up! once every 6 months! why is it important? because an impacted teeth would trap food and cause decay and eventually it would hit the root and cause infection and expensive complications. at that point of time, you would still need to remove it anyway and by then, it would be more painful, and being older, the body doesn't recover as quickly. had i remove the right wisdom earlier, it would have been a less traumatising experience. but i didn't have the time with all the courses, i can't take mc. so i can only do it now. the decay is hitting the bone structure (dentist hopes it would grow back) and they had to dig out the root because it couldn't be extracted properly. also the teeth had to be drilled into 3 pieces because the decay and all.

and that stupid boy. called him to chat and he could only laugh away at how strange i sounded. then make me laugh some more. pain one lehz. hahaha. he's so adorable. yesyes i printed out one of our pictures and i am now thinking where to put it.. ahhh.....

i'm going to whine for a while... i just had my wisdom tooth extracted. sigh sigh sigh. pain pain pain. and dear is not around. well he did send very nice and reassuring messages because he had to go run the hills today. i need a hug....

i must be the most crazy guy around, i am actually staring at his pictures now. hahaha. going for wisdom tooth extraction and meeting him later. well well, nothing much to be said. tired, will go take a nap first...

a friend of mine emailed me this and i thought he was just so right. hahah, dear this is for you

ben folds five - the luckiest

i don't get many things right the first time
in fact, i am told that a lot
now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
brought me here

and where was i before the day
that i first saw your lovely face?
now i see it everyday
and i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

what if i'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on a street where you lived?
maybe i'd be outside as you passed on your bike
would i know?

and in a white sea of eyes
i see one pair that i recognize
and i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest

i love you more than i have ever found a way to say to you

next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away

i'm sorry, i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know we belong
that i know

that i am
i am
i am
the luckiest
--------
i was out with him yesterday, after my driving lessons. well went for dinner and walked around and went bowling (oops i type blowing right before that actually, honest slip, hehe) and it was just absolute fun. it was just so nice and so great. actually i have been spending a good amount of time with him and i am not complaining. its really really nice that he makes a point to come down and find me when he gets off early, of meet up somewhere convenient when both of us get (or is it gets? alanna....) nights off. and last night, he had to wake up early today, but he still came over last night and left in the dead of the night. i can't express my gratitude enough. and i think the song above does it better.

just came back from supper with him. ahhhh full of nice things which i would not bore the general public with. but well well. hahaha. love the suppers and the talks. this guy is so full of crap.

just took this test and guess what


A Scorpio is a great match for you. For one thing, you seem to really connect with the Scorpion's intensity and depth of feeling and to admire them for these qualities. You're also the kind who can be understanding about a Scorpio's tendency to overreact to things they perceive to be threats. After all, you're not going to let an occasional over-the-top moment to put a damper on your chances for romance. In fact, if you play your cards right, you and a Scorpio may find true love.

You can pick out potential Scorpio partners by their self-confident carriage when they walk into a room and by their intense gazes. Unlike people who may be more timid or remote, most Scopios aren't afraid of a little eye contact. At times, the Scorpion's stare can make it seem as if they can see into your very soul. More often than not, they are supremely assured and determined. If they take a fancy to you, you can bet you'll be persistently and aggressively pursued. Scorpios are known for being unfamiliar with the concept of quitting. If a Scorpio's head turns in your direction, you'll probably be flattered by their heated pursuit. You can appreciate someone with that kind of confidence and command. It's also nice not to have to play hard to get, because the Scorpion isn't all about the chase.

When a Scorpio decides what they want, they can be intent getting it. In fact, if the Scorpion feels an objective is in danger of being derailed, they can lash out quickly and strongly in effort to protect it. Scorpios are known for being exceedingly resourceful. So although they may not win the battle, this sign has every intention of winning the war. Strong and intent on their ideals, a Scorpio has a unique ability to focus on their purpose and see it through. You'll usually admire a Scorpio's convictions and support their ambitions. For you, it's probably a relief to find someone who knows what they want.


haha and i won't even begin to tell you what star sign he is. seriously, hrmmm. nothing, just abit elated, and yes alanna you are such a fag-hag, love ya sooo much. thanks for always being there.

i am suddenly very proud of america. i mean look at all their effort. of all the countries they invaded and tried to help. look which of it isn't a success story and look how well they are doing. lets look at somalia, where a mob at magadishu killed 18 us soldiers resulting in a pull out of american forces. look aren't they improvin in their economic status, they are almost 1st world nation now. and of course there's haiti. look at all the peace they are enjoying after american invaded them; not to forget the other war in afghanistan. isn't comforting to know that the warlords are now running the country without osama bin laden farting around. and that all the violence are just going slightly up. and how can we forget that long long war with vietnam. she must be so glad america was there to rape their citizens and sending half of them to heaven. lastly, iraq. i mean the iraqis must be happy that saddam wasn't around building his wmd anymore (underneath george bush's table i presume since he was looking for it underneath there 2 weeks ago) and instead of the routine life, there's murders and bombings just about every other day. what more peace can this world ask for. i dunno you tell me. the world seems to be such a peaceful place after america bombs everywhere. what's next? a certain **rea up *orth? well they do have weapons of mass destruction and they do threaten to use them. you can be for sure of that, so how bout a pre-emptive str*ke aei???

i just think i am the luckiest guy on earth to have found him. i've just told mark this, and i am going to repeat it. he's simply the best guy i've ever met and found. i can describe or put to words how much i love but i really do. and we'll make it. dear, you're the best.

i just received 2 emails from some visitors that chance upon my blog. and hey, thanks for the email i really appreciate it and i am glad i can give that little light for you guys. and just to prove my point to a few close friends of mine

taken from the email from fulooshou

I have had my share of problems with people. Christians, Cynics(is that how you spell it?), Close friends... Blah you should know la. I mean over this period of time this short four mths. I made a new friend as in I get to know her better. She's straight and I'm her first gay friend. She said I made her think alot(because I'm her first gay friend). And so she started to think about gay people, on how they have to live against prejudice, on how hard it is to make a stand in this society, on whta is actually so different btween gay and str people..... And she came to the conclusion that we are no more different than that we like people of the same gender. And then she shows her� very support in a way that I don't know how to put it in words. But you should see it. Hmm.. I'm overwhelmed by her supposrt and encouragements. And I think I've become more brave. It's amazing la. I've changed in a certain way, in her presence. Ok if she sees this, she will think she is god. Ahem. But it's like even my closest pals from secondary some fo them still can't accept the fact that I'm gay like some of them still think two gay men hugging together is disgusting. I hmm.. I'm very grateful.

Your Oprah Winfrey quote is inspiring too. If you don't know, I've been obssessed with it. Ha.. ok no..
Ok from the beginning, I think you are damn brave. Keep the gay pride up. I hope I will become brave enough to join you. Cheers.

and saying hi to ed all the way from aus. no worries, you can always email me anytime you want!
--------
onto another matter, the weather is absolutely dreadful these few days. i make the best of it and went swimming but the sun was really beyond me today; went gymming instead. think i am exercising a bit too much these days, feeling sore all over all the time. (i can somehow imagine mark coming up with some dirty thoughts.....)

planning for a trip with him to some nearby country. i would fill in more details when things are confirmed! finally a dream come true for me; to take a trip with my stead and spend quality time together. ahhhh, it would be even better if it is a sight seeing trip. then i can just hold his hands or wrapped my arms around him and enjoy the beautiful sights.. hahaha yar la dear i know its abit mushy la!!! hahaha

go read this. exactly how i feel.

i had a lot of things to say. but i dun feel like sayin it now. nothing much. its a hot day very very hot day..................... my aircon's fixed. and i'm, i'm at a lost of words. good night.

Cursed Hospital Ward

REAL-LIFE STRANGE ENCOUNTER IN S'PORE HOSPITAL

There was this case in this hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Friday mornings regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. Why the death at that same bed on Fridays? So the doctors decide to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of
the incidents....

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again.
The new = unknowing patient laid there..... Some doctors holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy
objects to ward off evils......... waiting....the patient was = resting still. then 8am...... 8:30am........

Just before the 'cursed' time...... the door to the ward swung open......


Scroll Down






























�� Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the
life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner.

well, he's at his platoon chalet and stuff and i am all alone in my room studying for my test. yes more test to come. isn't this absolutely disgusting. i hate that woman, she is so irrtating. i have never seen a more hated woman. i personally believe that she is hated so much more than anna nicole smith and condi rice combined with bush. ARGH!!!!

so anyway, i was talking to clay just now over msn, he was having some issues with his stead. of course i was helping him out (i am not as evil as you make me out to be k =p) but he said a few things that touched me. he said that i was very very understanding and he said that i was almost perfect. i mean those things are always on hindsight, but to be able to receive such compliments from 3 person on hindsight, makes me feel that all my emotional investment was worthwhile. at the very least i did something. that i knew that when i put in my max effort, it is felt.

so while i give in so much and be understanding, i also really hope that my other half would do the same, and its nice to know that he is so patient and understanding and yar......

back to my books before people start puking.

to my amusement, pcworld praises the mac!!! here

somebody, i can't really remember who, once told me that i have this uncanny ability to read into people so accurately that it scares them. that i can be so pinpoint at times, that they chooses to deny what i said because it is so true that it is uncomfortable; that when i hit the nerve, most would not want to admit it.

nothing much to be said there, but yar just a note. going off for driving lessons. missing him so much. really mixed feelings about leaving overseas. lazy day.

listening to emi fujita - camomile blend, its a great album do check it out!!!!

thx dear for the great evening! and thx stan, appreciate it.

i would just like to say a couple of things and i would like to quote from oprah "i am finally ready to own my own power; to say all right this is who i am. if you like it, you like it; and if you don't, you don't. so watch out i am going to fly"

i think it sums up all i have been trying to say. to be able to believe in yourself, to have self empowerment, is all there is; its all that it takes. i am able to accept the fact that i am gay, and i can tell the world about it, is because i have faith in me, and i believe in myself. and i think that a person cannot go very far in life, go that extra mile without this belief and this courage; the courage to be able to let it all go and to believe in all that you do. its the same, it doesn't matter what, be it exams, work, ideas, yourself. that belief, that courage, that persistance, says alot

and when you can believe in yourself, then can you sacrifice yourself to fufill a greater cause. and it is that that matters. and it is that faith that matters, not the cause and effect, not how someone will affect your life, your promotion, your 'face', how others view you. those are small, negligible part of the bigger picture. of the full picture of the drive to succeed, of the drive as a person to walk that 1metre more to succeed, to push that extra bit more to get a CAP score of 4.0 or more; for me, to persevere in my pursuit of my career despite all the downtrodding i have to take, despite all the stress and pressure. i know that this believe in myself will push me.

and if you don't believe me, it doesn't matter to me. but you can try to for a start.

on another note, i must really push myself hard to pass the course, for my mom and dad, so that can have a better life; and for him, so that he wouldn't have to work so hard in the future and we can have a good life down the road. as i was sitting beside him in the car today, i saw this guy and i just know that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. we might have some issues, but we always sort things out, and things are falling into place. its beyond words. really.

ok, for those who are going to get me birthday presents, please note that i wouldn't be around this year, so yes, you can get them for me now! before i leave for australia. yes i would really like to have those things on my wishlist =p hahahahahahaha....

well well joking. but seriously i would be leaving on july 23, so yepperz. nokia 6230? anybody??

yesterday was the best day i ever had in a very very long time. everything was just wonderful. watched hellboy (its absolutely hellish, a production from hell, really) the effects were great full stop. the storyline sucks, worse than pamela on tommy. ERRGH!!!!

did something for him. and yes, he liked it so much.

i seriously hope i don't get anymore episodes like a few days ago. i am going crazy...

i hate myself. i really do hate myself. marky, i'm sorry, i couldn't do as you told me to. i hate myself i hate myself

fuck

helphelphelphelphelphelphelp

"did i lose my way, and walked into someone else's dreams
what used to be warmth, is now but a barren freeze
where a silent falls over when i tell you i love you"

Anything Britney Can Do, Beyonce Can Do Better!

The DESTINY�S CHILD star goes naked in the video for her sensational new single, Naughty Girl.

At first, she�s in a silver dress then strips off to show a silhouette of her famous curves.

The track could hit No1 when it�s released next week in the UK. Current No1 USHER even appears in the video.

Beyonce should be celebrated. She�s a real woman with real curves and a huge voice

haha, and that coming from the girl that claims being a devout christian that she is, god will never allow her to behave indecently in her mtv (referring to kissing girls ala britney and maddy). but it seems that god will allow her to however dress raunchily and now even strip... hrmm what an interesting god and devout christian that she is.

yesterday night, was the third night i held my victorinox to sleep. i felt so out of place and so lost i needed something to bring me down. back where i know something. didn't do anything with it. not yet anyway.

i'll be leaving on july 23 for about half a year. be back in december (hopefully) and then off again in late december till about february or march. and i am feeling even worse because of that. but he knows what to say to make me feel slightly better. the fact that if i leave earlier means i would be back earlier. and when i come back, he would have just ord not too long before that. which is definitely true.

i am at a crisis. i don't want to pass this. i am so sick of it. i am so disgusted. i am lost. i have been thinking way too much lately and as you can tell, my sentences aren't too coherent. crap.

help

i just got to know this acquaintance (is that how its spelled?) and got to know that he and his bf are together for 8yrs! ohmygod, that is really long even by straight couple standards (short of marrying the girl i mean) and he's like 26. this means that they are together since he was 18. now how sweet is that. isn't it so nice to know of such examples and makes me more motivated and much more confident that anything is possible. there's this lesbian couple who stayed together for 51 years and got married in SF recently!!!!

there's nothing that will stop me from being with him for forever, and nothing sort of that. okok yes mushy mushy but that is how i feel ok...

ok guys and gals out there. listen up visting this site or else?!!!!! okok help out my friend k, a close girl friend of mine. do check it out. and trust me, she has great taste. so go ahead help yourself!!

lotsa things happened. glad it happened. talked about it and that's about all i am going to say =p haha. nothing else lorz, other than i am mugging hard for me test. and that oh yar oh yar, yesterday a transvestite grabbed my hand and said hello and strutted off. haha. but on a sadder note, i saw another transvestite being sorta ridiculed, as in there were people giving 'her' the wierd looks and she just stuck her tongue out. and i just felt so upset. i was trying to understand what she was going through. and it just hit me that people don't understand. i mean well also because she was very obviously trans (bad operation or no plastic surgery maybe) but i don't know why the obnoxiously straight people must be like this.

i think from now on, i have to educate my friends about it and stop my buddy from gay-bashing whenever he says fucking gay and things like that. come on all you readers there, i know you are all gay friendly or gay too, so lets slowly start to change this society into a more accomodating one. i know for one, jeremiah stands up for PLU's. when his campmates starts gay-bashing, he would ask them to stop and tell them about his good friend (yours truly) who's gay. and we should all be like that shouldn't we??

not going to say much. just that i exploded just now at my group of friends for no particular reason, not exactly no reason, but its trival. emotional yoyo again. crap, wondering who's playing with my mind. i need to be who i used to be. but its hard. i am who i am, not who you want me to be.

just wanna say a big thank you to mark for last night. its nice to know that although he's so far away from me, he's still there for me when i didn't want to bother anybody else. thanks mark. distance, and seldom communication will never affect the friendship. ok enough mushiness for the day.

nothing much to update. will update again when i get home tomorrow night.

"no matter how adverse the circumstances, there is never any reason to give up" - charles lachenmeyer, in a letter to his son

again taking something great from my coach...

praveen: i didn't know pinochet was a capitalist. murderer and capitalist... don't seem to go together.

paul: uh, lee kuan yew?

hrm, i am home today. there was nights off. but my stupid CO suddenly decided that she wanted to run. so she assembled all of us at the stadium at 4:30 but she didn't arrive till 5 plus. by the time we finished running it was almost 6. so you can imagined how late we all got home. this is so disgusting. there's so many days in a week. she must choose the day when we have nights off. furthermore she was in this PMS mood the whole day (actually after some discussion we've decided it must have been menopause but anyway). all the instructors and i am not joking when i said all the instructors are quite put off by her. ARGH

having extra duties to serve but i am trying to plan the weekdays one properly so i can coincide with his off days. ahhh i so want to show you guys how he looks like but he doesn't allow me to. for good reasons of course. so those who need to know will know. they who don't too bad =p he's mine. haha sorry sorry joking joking. take it in good humour k.

nothing much to update other than i am dying to go for a trip with him. and it seems that there are even more schedule clashes coming up. too bad for me i suppose... sighz

just taken off my coach's page, i'm sure he won't mind

i do believe there is something magical about commiting yourself to some-one, something special about saying 'i will always be there for you', something exciting about booking a wedding space and inviting friends over - whether the ceremony is grand or not, something heartwrenching about looking into someone's eyes and seeing what happiness is all about, something great about that explosion of physical, spiritual, mental chemistry,... and of course there are people who write about this more eloquently than i can. and yeah, i know some smart-ass will say you can have all of that without a marriage, and that's your choice; for me, marriage is both a personal and social affirmation - the sum of all things - and whether symbolic or real, fantasy or illusion, and it would mean everything.

this is so interesting. we were just asked to do this excel program (don't ask too much) and my group actually found the way to do it. and at this point of time, the other groups are still cracking their head about it. and yours truly was the guy to crack that final nut. not just me alone, but i did the last bit. and here we are so free and enjoying ourselves in the internet lounge while the rest are busy coming up with solutions. and the other groups have graduates and people who are good in excel. my group has normal people who don't really know how to use excel (so we just click the help button). haha i am so happy yes yes.

did i mention i would have to wait till next wednesday before i can see him? ok i think i did. never mind. he's having this standby thing. hoping to take a trip with him when all this crap is all over. maybe somewhere in may. ah, just waiting for that day to come, where i can wake up in him arms, just beside the sea in a nice cosy bed (altogether now, awwwww).

random question : am i irritating??? (bleahz)

for you:

"I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more" - i could not ask for more, edwin mccain

goodness gracious me. threesome is lousiest play i have ever watched in my entire life. the scripting is so terrible, even a secondary school student could have better. its lame, cliched and contrived and absolutely predictable. the potentially intellectual discussion of sexuality were just brushed across. the directing was CRAP. just compare to hwachong's Huang Cheng Ye Yun, threesome pales in comparison. really really pales. i can't believe i ever wasted money on that show. it had the potential to be decent. but it was CRAP, just absolutely disgusting.

after that, went to meet him. had dinner and walked around. and - to quote mark - "just hang". there wasn't much time anyway. so it was just shopping, i shop he pay (no lahz, he's not that rich). he shops, i pay (nope i ain't rich) haha. so i bought a shirt and 2 tees. got some snacks for him to bring back to camp. and stuff something into his wallet hehe =) and he sent me home. no chance to steal a kiss because there were just so many people around.

and i have to wait till next wednesday before i can see him. seriously i wonder how i can survive when i am in australia. its going to be tormentous. i have quite a good mind to not make it and fly back quick and spend time with him. but nahz i ain't that silly.

ohohoh just heard from my officer who's tryin to do his SAT, "now i know why they are called analogies, ANAL ORGIES" hahaha

"i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill
through the solar field
you know that i will follow you" - 1000 oceans, tori amos

going out to watch a play called threesome with 2 other guys. oooh how suggestive. hahha don't let your mind run to wild. my heart is all his ok! hrmm, there was this guy who i went clubbing with. called me the next day and cried. told me that he liked me alot. and i was quite indifferent. i told him that if i could dump my boy for him now, i could the same to him next time. and guess what, that made things worse. it made him like me even more. i think i should go clubbing less for a start.

he was at live firing last night, and he ended so late. meeting him after the play. and i'll update more when i come home yar? now gotta go remove the mask (yes i am gay remember?) and go out liaoz. tata!!!

feeling too much emotions right now, its probably not appropiate for me to type it down here. somethings happened today and yar. i am like that now. sorry there isn't much to update. i would try.

you and me:

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE

4's are sensible and traditional. They like
order and routine. They only act when they
fully understand what they are expected to do.
They like getting their hands dirty and working
hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and
feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared
to wait and can be stubborn and persistent.
They should learn to be more flexible and to be
nice to themselves.

Famous 4's Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan,
Oprah Winfrey

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity,
risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in
hot water. They need diversity, and don't like
to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their
school and they see a learning possibility in
every situation. The questions never stop.They
are well advised to look before they take action
and make sure they have all the facts before
jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte,
Jessica Walter,Vincent VanGogh, Bette Midler,
Helen Keller and Mark Hamil.

"maybe i ain't used to maybes
smashing in a cold room
cutting my hands up
every time i touch you
maybe maybe it's time
to wave .................................." - tear in your eye, tori amos

i can feel it coming. can you feel it too? this strong overwhelming feeling. that foreboding feeling? can anybody feel that air blowing just above us???

i feel it so strongly.

glenn medeiros - nothing's gonna change my love for you

paranoia, is that the word? its this sickening feeling that i am trying to chase away. and i personally feel that it is downright insulting for anybody to judge me and say they know me and they know next to nothing about me. does anyone sincerely believe that everybody is who they seem to be? and when people behave in certain ways, do you really just take things as it seems. it is definitely easy, a girl that sleeps around must be a slut; gays are deprived of childhood paternal love, hollow love life that just revolves around sex; teenage delinquents come from either broken families of the lower income group or families with both parents working so they lack parental love. CRAP understand (sheesh i sound almost military). point is if you don't have anything better to say don't. don't try to talk to me like you know me and go, this isn't how you should be, or try to sell me your fancy ideas. why don't you listen to me, and screw off.

there are many reasons which unless you know me personally very well or have been keeping with my previous blog since eons ago, that you would not know and i most definitely would not tell you about. things that i don't even tell some of my closest friends about. things that are better left unsaid, but still nonetheless affect a person as much. and if you don't know that and try to act almighty and try to think i am who you think i am. then good for you.

ranting on again yes yes yes. but i am on a emotional yoyo for no very good reason. i can't convince myself that i shouldn't be feeling this way. but i can't convince myself that i should be. i just happen to. and it is scary. scary because it almost seems that i am slowly but conciously trying to control, unsuccessful, my emotions (did that sentence sound awkward, cos i didn't want to type losing control of myself, a bit too strong). its just turmoiling emotions that i need to handle, with a little help maybe, but i must start to handle it. its just that after such a eventful a year, this guy needs to start to piece things back slowly. won't you stand by me and help me do it?

"she's addicted to nicotine patches, she's afraid of the light in the dark" - spark, tori amos

went out yesterday night for supper and it was quite an eventful night i must say. bigboss wanted to go out so we all followed suit. and i am booking out again tmr! YAY! met up with alex and stan for supper at geylang. there was this supposedly good 'taohuay' but it wasn't all that good. i still think that the 'taohuay' at rochor canal is a lot better. really. anyway i was just a little childish yesterday and something slightly unpleasant happened. i am not going to elaborate on it. but yar, i am just so glad that he is understanding enough. PHEW.

nothing much to update for now. but i would update mroe tmr night abt the clubbing things. hrmm lotsa things to say. sad sad sad.

miss you loads!!!!1

its a sunday and i'm waking up alone. yesyes, he's at camp serving out the last of his duty. there was some changes actually. he was supposed to be deployed to tekong to catch those robbers, but yeah thank god they were all caught. that stupid boy actually said "don't worry, won't die so easily, will come back see you one". can't believed he said something as well i can't find the word (silly?) as that.

lets see, went clubbing last night, frankie wasn't feeling great, so we went clubbing with a group of friends. was suppose to celebrate mel's bday with him yesterday (you know my ex??). but my goodness i don't know why he still behaves like i should give way and give in to him. please, you are my EX not my STEAD. throwing his tantrum around like he's the princess (quite like last time actually but i am not giving 2 hoots about him) the moment he met me, he started on this rant on why i didn't make it last weekend, and how i didn't apologised and he said it like "i can't forgive what you have done to me". WOW, i so owe it to him. but of course i know why he's behaving like that.

listening to fish leong and i just have to say that her album is really good. i have been listening to that cd for so long and i haven't gotten sick of it yet. wow. and yes i've found another 2 maccy in my junior courses. convinced another guy to get a ibook. another friend is getting the powerbook (he wanted it in the first place) and my sir too. watch out world! the mac's too good to be true.

back on a thursday because he's only free today. but glad i did because he'll be busy the entire weekend. means i would be all alone. haha but its ok. talked to him quite a bit and well its great. watched the eye 2, lets just say that i am very scared. yes really. not going to update much. tired. so update over the weekends yar. take care guys. missing everybody out there!!! i'm serious

"american christian fundamentalist used to rant agains jews and roman catholics until that became politically impossible. now they warn of the takeover of the country by abortionist, gays and secular humanist. and even that tactic is wearing thin, so the latest round of fund raising letters have a new enemy - muslim" - fareed zakaria, correspondent, newsweek (march 15, 2004)

i am fucking pissed again. i hate the absolute fact they when we say the pledge "democratic society" we mean ask the opinion of everybody else and fuck care what everybody thinks and we'll do what we please because we are NOT voted by the people to represent the people. fucked up fucked up. look at this month's RALPH magazine please. nownownow, look at how much FRONTAL nudity of the female's are there. look at all the CLIT THE FUCKING VAGINA AND NIPPLES AND LABIA (ok so maybe there wasn't the labia) but still. all this is singapore magazine and we made such a woohaa over nipplegate? and then my manazine issues which doesn't show anything much. just a whole bunch of topless guys that would drive the ladies and me wild.

point is why complain abt manazine when every other magazine is showing too much flesh, promoting lesbianism (ala madonna britney) promoting sexism when our own *uc***g Minis**r of Pa***me*t outrightly says that women are victims and they need to be protected from males because males are the agressors or whatever. promoting racial discrimination (need i say more about that, i am very very very very sure all of us in the service knows about somethings which is very very very inconvenient for me to say here) i am angry. i am pissed because they always say "our society is not ready" how the fuck do they know we are not ready if they never let us discuss it. it is because they know we are ready which is why they don't want to let us discuss. because we would win hands down. because we can think. my friends can think. being gay doesn't make me any less than all u guys sitting out there on the cupboard (aka cabin*t)

we are killing ourselves. brain draining. let me post up professor englebert artcle when i launch my new layout next weekend, and go read.

maybe i need some good sex

today's marks our 1st month of being attached. and it is today that i realise that its possible for me to be stable again and to feel so much for someone. though i am still quite insecure now and then, but yeah with time, i am very sure i will get out of it. he was kinda caught in a jam and he couldn't ans my call because he was driving (ok yes there was a jam, tp?? traffic police yar) so i was quite worried. i was worried that something might have happened to him. and that we didn't have much time together this weekend, as with most weekends. then i realise that i wanted to see him so much. and right now as i am typing this, i can't even begin to describe how much i miss that boy (yes yes mushy bits). its like, one entire week of being apart, i can only see him for that few hours. it is so torturous. well well tough but i must survive.

it was a fantastic first month. i'm so thankful that he came along and lifted me up. haha. u noe he's not a very romantic guy, but in that "unromanticness" is someone that is so sweet because of all the silly actions and everything, ahhhh *melts* did i ever tell u guys how did he ask me? u noe most people would ask in the most direct of manner. he.. well he... (okok wait i get his permission first then i'll type in the next morning ok?)

he's in camp now, next weekend. can't see him for the entire weekend after that. and the following weekend he'll be busy too. sigh oh sigh.... dear i love you

suppose to meet him today. but he was kinda tired, so didn't meet him. that poor boy was too tired to even talked on the phone. haha. wonders what other more possessive (did i spell that correctly - its late i can't think) people would have done. tired going to sleep. missing him so much. dear i really want to see u so badly. sigh

hrmm ok i feel better now. much better actually. he called and said some nice things and brightened up my day. he's just so nice you know. but actually i was kinda angry at him last night. haha i am not going to say why. but yar, it was mostly my issues. but i got over it and yes. me boo boo. anyway i've got extra duties, don't ask.

i hate people who owe money. i feel that it is basic courtesy for people to return the money they owe as soon as they can. i've lent 2 person some money. one of them owes me quite awhile, but that i can understand because he was really in financial difficulties and he needed time. he paid back half. so there's only a small sum left. but this other guy borrowed for nealy 3 months and its not like he's making any effort to pay back. instead of trying to save up to return it back, he spends it on unnecessary stuff. its not that i am money minded or what. its the basic principle and basic courtesy!!!!!!!!

sucks. i feel sick and lousy and terrible and crappy and whatsoever and yucky and moody and pmsy and not in the best of mood and insecure and upset and all those not nice words that a person can absolutely think of right now. yes i am feeling just not at the top of the world. not necessarily at the bottom of the world but i am rambling, crap. fuck me.

was suppose to meet him right? but well he overslept. and he had to go meet his secondary school mates. sigh can't see him. am i whining a bit too much? haha live with it people. can't blame him really, he had overnight duty at the airport, and some things happened, much like some holland kampong (translate it yourself) incident but i can't speak much less i want a warning letter from them.

but anyway i am surprise to read that joe satriani chose the darkness - i believe in a thing called love to listen to in his playlist. "don't the guitars in this song rock like you used to remember???" hahah listen to it. great song.

booking into camp soon. gotta study for testg too. bye people!!! take care

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hello folks. i went clubbing last night. ohmygod. its so fun. its been more than half a year since i last went clubbing. WOW, WOW and WOW. i clubbed and danced so much (well i only drank a bit, i don't need to drink to get myself high ahaha) and my hair just went to the floor (okokok lame). and so many things happened. haven't tell dear yet, but i would tell him when i call him later (just in case he gets jealous, hahaha). well he's still sleeping (duty again). but hey its not the case of the mouse coming out to play when the cats away ok....

anyway the boss of waterbar (this ex channel 8 actor) was there, and was just standing around. so i was there drinking and he walked past me and looked at me and smiled. so i smiled back (polite see) and he acknowledged it and pat my shoulder. swoooons. feels good to be looked at. hahaha. but i go clubbing for the innocent purpose of clubbing (really). and i bumped into alvin when i was club hopping. small world it seems.

reached home around 4, bathed and slept till just now. hrmm gotta study for test now. well i would try to at least!!!!

right, just sent my friend off to the airport, he's gone, for 2 whole years. it wasn't that much drama as mark's send off though. there were significantly less hugs and less tears. guess it was all held back. his stead was on the brink of tears, so was the family. but tears only started flowing after he walked into the gate. i suppose he didn't want to break down in front of us *trying to remember if mark cried* but anyway he was quite stoned; as in he was shaking hands. even with his boyfriend. then the sweetest thing happend, terrence (the boyfriend) pulled him close and hugged hiim (come all together now, awwwww) then we all followed suit *remembers hugging best buddy when he was going to cambridge*. and off he went, without looking back. thinking about it, i think i would be crying buckets of tears

i would be leaving in about half a years time, and i really wonder what would happen and how i would react, especially since i am now in a relationship, sigh sigh. this trip might be the beginning of something really really long. first to auz for 10 months, then possibly back to singapore for 2 months before flying off to france for a year. then if luck isn't on my side, i would be off to the states for 2 years. WOW. now that's a whole 4 years away. anybody going to be sending me off?? hahah

yes yes yes i am not going to be seeing him again because (surprise surprise) he's got duty again. well gotten used to it. spent a night over at his place actually, and woke up late and rushed and took a cab and. i suppose one can't complain about such things because i remember when i was staying in and my ex wasn't and he kicked up such a big fuss over everything. they just don't understand. it takes a lot of talking and love to get things lasting i feel. well though people say that NS is the grave of all relationships (gay or not) i am determined to prove it wrong. hahah just watch out world. though auz may be a big challenge, i am game for it.

hey guys, thanks for all the response over the email. i appreciate it lots. i am quite surprised that there are so many of you guys out there reading, 200+ hits a day. THANKS, you guys rock. anyway i just got back from camp (speaking of which there's something which i would share in awhile) and now relaxing after a long long day of lectures and prepping for my briefs. i would be meeting dear later and staying over (now now wipe that dirty thought off you head). tomorrow, a friend would be flying off to the states for 2 years, such a long time right (wonders what it would be like when i depart); so i would be sending him off in the wee hours of the morning. but yep will update again on that.

what i was going to say was that there's this guy who actually asked me to write a monthly or forthnightly column for this website. shan't say too much now till its more finalised. wow. i am quite honoured actually. haha. *humming away leann rimes - we can, thinking of the first entry already* hahahaha

booked out last night for a 'nights out' because today (wednesday) i am on duty. well you see, my buddy wanted to see his girlfriend and she's only free today, so i am sorta covering for him. and then well it is also good because dear is free yesterday night. so we met up at jp for some grocery shopping and ate a bit at mos buger. i seriously think i am eating too much; but the good news in all these is that i've gained weight. YES i am so happy. my weight is going up. lovely. now 5 more kg to go. and gym works. *hums i'm a believer....*

so yeah i am stuck in camp. well not really stuck lahz, can use the net and do some reading and play the guitar and talk cock over the phone. not that bad ain't it. hahah. i love my camp really. and waves to all the people reading this but i don't know that you are and i don't know who are you. but still i don't think i would be putting up a tag board or anything. my coach just got his tagboard flooded (well not really flooded but you know) with ridiculous people posting stupid stuff. but do email me if you have anything to say. nice prefably.

weekend's going to be spent constructively, i hope. booking out on friday (i'm on a long weekend). then going to dear's place to stay over. then sat morning will be sending darren off to the states. then later maybe meeting up with dear again. then there's jamming. then i may meet up with alvin to take back some photos. then (ok i shall stop using then, trying to sound like a kid). sunday would be spent resting and driving. anybody wanna date me?? hahahha

i caught marriage of inconvenience (is that how its spelled? i can't remember) over the weekend. it was not a fantastic play, but it wasn't shabby by any means. not going to say too much about it, but it was not as good as asian boys vol 2 (no really, i'm not speaking from a shallow POV - though it must be said again that the leads are gorgeos okokok) then i laid my hands on singapore's 1st and only unabashedly gay magazine. drools. its almost like the auz ones, except no privates are shown. but hey when the models are totally naked with ice cream on the abs, i am not minding it a single bit. muahaha (ooops)

then yeah he had duty and he came over, rather late into the night, to see me. that poor boy, he looked like a walking zombie. but it was really nice of him to come over for a short while. talked to him for a little while. somehow my insecurites are acting up again. and i just feel so lost sometimes. so yesterday i asked him (for you to find out, me to know) something which i knew the answer to but i just needed to affirmation. he told me "jus wanna let you noe i really love u alot alot and wun give up so easily. must believe me dear, i am really happy that i have you to share my life with." swoons. yes he's so sweet. i miss him so much already.

in camp again. yes. and he's got duty over the weekend again. sigh sigh sigh....

just received an email from louis. *waves* hello louis, thx for writing. going out to watch a play now. will be back!

read this. its written by my coach. wow you'll be amazed.

had a busy weekend. went out with my darling yesterday. didn't have much time together. we did nothing, just hung around and talked but i still enjoyed myself so much. dear i miss you! oh yeah, we went to LIPS cafe and we were like trying to get our hands on CLEO to see the 50 eligible bachelors; then he saw that it was lying on the table on these 2 ladies, and i never thought he would do it, but he went up and asked them for it. WOW. so there we were looking at the guys, and they were all so UGLY! yucks *remembers when kiez was flipping through CLEO with alanna last year, and how disgusted we were* this year was no different. in all honesty, other than 3 or 4 guys, me and my boy looks a ton better than them. *imagines myself posing for CLEO 2006 50 most eligible bachelor with the tag 'pilot' swooons*

haha. then i bumped into jeremiah in town, and met up jeremiah (again yes), siming, alanna and albs. well then had this send off dinner thingy for my friend who is leaving for the states. sadz. then went to this chalet sorta thing for another friend's birthday. so there, a really busy sat

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it seems that somewhere along my pursuit of my career, i forgot what i initially told myself. i wanted to make a difference. i wanted to (yes be prepared) a teacher. actually since i met my literature teacher in secondary, i've always wanted to be a teacher. and when i entered jc, there was this absolutely amazing teacher that cared so much for her students, that she taught not for the results, not for her salary but because she wanted us to learn; not just the subject but the essence of being. life. i was so moved. she left the school (wise choice, anybody who wants to stay is nuts) to teach in the school for spastic children (or something like that). and it is then i decided that i want to make a difference. i want to teach people (not necessarily being a teacher) and show them that there are so many things in life. that we can't keep our eyes closed and focus only on results and money. yet i realise i am slowly falling into the money trap.

i wanted to be the gay teacher (the good looking one thank you very much) that would let them know that there's nothing wrong being gay. that it is ok being gay. that there is no need to choose between being gay and the family, that love in itself has dignity, it doesn't matter who we love. as long as we love, its more than enough. its not about religion, its about family, its about love. that if they are different (handicap in some way) they are who they are. that we are too focus on the material side of life that we forget to wake up and be happy that we are alive. that we forget to appreciate the fresh air everytime we walk, that we can walk past the most simple yet beautiful sights like flowers blossoming and not take notice. are we all too hung up in our life?

in 4 years time,i would be taking home nearly 7k a month. and 4 years after that, a comfortable 11k. hows that? but does money really matter so much to me? if i can live comfortably, enough to feed, live, and look after my parents, i think that is more than enough, right?

i used to love the smell of freshly baked bread and love breathing in the fresh air. i should start looking closely at things again. its been quite awhile. lets wake up and smell the coffee!

"Marriage has been undermined by divorce, so don't tell me about marriage. You're not going to lecture me about marriage. People should look at their own life and look in their own mirror. Marriage has been undermined for a number of years if you look at the facts and figures on it. Don't blame the gay and lesbian, transgender and transsexual community. Please don't blame them for it" - Richard Daley, Chicago Mayor

can we all just fuck george bush with some rotting cucumbers? pls? apart from not being able to speak proper english, george bush has hit a despicable new low solely for political gains, case in point : bush was under intense criticism from conservative Christian groups as several key conservatives said last week that their followers would desert the Republican Party if he did not announce his support for the amendment.

�This is nothing more than a transparent election year ploy to use our lives and families to drive a wedge into the electorate and divert attention away from the critical issues that face our country. Marriage equality for same-sex couples harms no one. The history of our nation has demonstrated that separate is seldom, if ever, equal.' Yet, the President calls for just that: separate and forever unequal rights for gay Americans.�
" - Supreme Judicial Court Massachusetts

"To use the Constitution to discriminate against our families is un-American, shameful, and divisive. Constitutional amendments have historically served to expand liberty and equality � such as giving women the right to vote. This amendment would be the first to reinstate discrimination in our Constitution. There is no doubt in my mind that the American people will see this as an ugly and discriminatory game of politics. Americans remember the president's promise to be a uniter, not a divider. Today the president has broken that promise." - Cheryl Jacques, president, Human Rights Campaign

i am so hung up on this because "only marriage can bring me home"

go read andrew sullivan article on TIME 2 weeks ago i think.. heck i will type it and leave in the downloads section

got the following from alanna

Kie Zin:
You have good recuperative abilities and strong mental determination. You are very private and dislike others prying into your affairs. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You are compassionate, highly imaginative and creative. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

Teng:
You are an overly sensitive person, often falling into a savior-martyr role. You are very skeptical and have more than your share of bad luck. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job.

ok, maybe i said abit too much? haha i don't think so. in fact there are great people out there who agree with me. and yes there are nice christians too. i just can't stand some of the followers that's all. do you wanna know what they did in OCS during our christmas celebrations last year? we invited this church chior to come and perfomr and they were sorta distributing pamphlets. that was still ok and all. but when one starts reading it, it was just so wrong. they were outrightly comdenmin the catholics. calling it "a devilish, blasphemous mass" and i was like flaring up. you get my point about how a lot of them over-doing it.

anyway i am the library now, just ended my first test. it was ok. might have a couple of mistakes. still can score above 90 i hope. ahhh, didn't talk much to him yesterday. he was out with his gang and this girl called iris. since she doesn't know head or tails about any of them (she assumes they are str8 but i bet she figured out by now, i mean how could there be a gang of 4 men still unattached to any girls after so many years and they are decent to cute looking?) anyway then he was actually on his way to my camp to find me. but i was already sleeping and for the uninformed, i am in quite a daze when i woke up, and i won't know what's going on. and i thought he and stan was only jokin that they were on thier way to my camp. if i knew it was true, i would have woken up immediately and sprang down to the guardhouse and just yeah see him. sigh sigh... hrmmm, no lah, not jealous of the girl. i mean like duhz. hahha

and tomorrow, i would treated like a tea-bag. will be doing this survival drill thingy. and then i would dumped like tea bag of sorts into the sea. yes the open sea. sigh sigh sigh. anyway i would be going to catch the asian aerospace this friday. haha weekday yes of course, trade visitors? yeah but i have my ways i m sure we all know about it by now. hahahhaha.

i think there's something terribly wrong, terribly wrong about the way people are interpreting the bible, you know that book which some people claim to be the ONLY one that is true. you know that one. ok ok. then, there's the thing about how they worship it and say they don't but only pagans worship. and yeah. that one. how can someone take a story and use it to live. if u use it properly, its good, but there are people who twist it beyond context. to the fact they are so forgiving you know, but everybody else is wrong and should die. read this and tell me what you think. email me m_roadster4@hotmail.com

hey folks. yes i didn't post for a couple of days. well was kinda busy. and alanna doesn't seem to be feeling too good. are you alright girl? anyway yes i am in camp now. for the uninformed, yours truly is staying in again. yesyes because my course is starting. so here i am, after 2 days of attending lecture, sitting in the internet room, talking to all of you guys. anybody miss me?

did anyone have a good valentine's day? i had great valentine's day. in fact it is the best i ever had. went to catch asian boys vol 2 which alanna really wanted to catch too but i already had a date. it is a very good play, and ivan heng is a really really good director. and besides, all most of the actor was so good looking, ahhhh, and there was this really really cute actor with a TO DIE FOR figure, dropping his towel revealing his ass, covering only the essential bits, my eyes nearly popped out. anyway enough with drooling.

my valentine's was spent at conrad, business suite. yes dear got that, and when i went in, my jaws just dropped. i was damn touch lorz. and i gave him a box full of prezzies. an addidas water bottle, cos he doesn't drink much. irints diary, so that he can write down all the things we went through. bum underwear, don't ask. elva xiao cd (which i bought on the day itself). a card, a pen and a box. hahah. he gave me a sovil et titus watch. he's so sweet to know that i don't have a watch (cos i lost all of it) haha. ahhh so sweeet. we had the best time together just enjoying each other's company, watching finding nemo and other stuff. hahaha. well well i might not be able to see him this weekend cos he got 2 dutys consecutive, sigh sigh sigh....

and i thought you grew up and became more mature. when it was all just in spite. and a lame attempt at distraughting us. gosh, grow up my baby. its about time. i can't believe this. sheesh.

Silent Equals To Perpetuating Homophobia

why do singaporeans always keep quiet? why do we allow ourselves to grow into a mould? why do we take up the subversive role? why?

the singapore government wants to promote creativity right (time magazine ran a really sarcastic article on it a couple of years back), and therefore they do not want us to be in the box, they want us to think out of the box and not grow into the square mould like our parents did. but instead, they redesigned the mould into a circular, and make everybody believe we are safe by thinking out of the box and growing and going where we want, but we must fit a mould, no not the square mould, but a circular mould. all these talks on freedom and creativity, is all but a beautiful curtain of lies drawn over our eyes, making us believe that we are free from the clutches. but are we? can we really be who we are? does anyone dare to drop out of school to pursue what he (i am not going to say she for not discriminatory purposes, but to save space) wants.

would you dare to stop schooling and write a book? play your music? or start up your business? mostly likely not, and it disgust me so much that we aren't even that far from china. can i even be gay? no there's is no law saying you cannot be gay, but when every single you do is illegal, you don't really have a choice, do you? UN is finally beginning to start a resolution, on making gay rights a human right, because we cannot treat anybody as a lesser being just because of his orientation. if not it is equivalent to saying {insert minority groups} cannot get married because. {insert minority groups} cannot have sex because. {insert minority groups} should be imprisoned because. and i do not put in any reason because they simply have no reason. i am bloody gay and bloody human. and for goodness sake, the bible never ever said there was anything wrong with being gay.

the bible was translated a gazillion times, and in middle english, the word sodomy did not even existed. it came about only a century or less ago. Jerome translated the bible into english, and when he translated it, SODOMY (u noe fucking in the ass) wasn't even a term, so how can one say that it is sin NOW when the word didn't even exist. SODOM - SODOMY? churh was a political power, and they would do anything (in the past) to remain in power, hence they needed to crush us. because gays were a rising threat. i am not anti-christian, i'm just so upset by their followers and some preachers and churches. one must understand that this is all based on interpretation.

we singaporeans are very adept at adapting to western influences and culture, so don't even give me the nonsense of we can't change and all the crap, please. gay rights are human rights too, so to quote paul: gay rights are OWED to us, marriages are OWED to us.

hrmm, wanted to post a few things today. but then i realise that people don't really read long post. everybody wants to read short happy post or short sad post, then they would say nice things out of politeness, giving "hugs and kisses" and "truckloads" of them. and it just disgust me to no end. its so fake and hypocritical. YUCK. nobody really cares to read, nobody really cares about opinions. they just, well bother themself with their things. i am rambling, pardon me. i know this is so out dated, like so last year, but i so love this song and the lyrics (and not justin, yes he cute but he can't sing, sorry - go listen to their perf on MTV europe 03)

Black Eyed Pea - Where Is The Love
Elephunk

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how a n**** works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)

well well i am down with a very very bad case of diarrhea due to some food poisoning. yes i swear its that steamfood buffet i ate at marina square. ever since then, i have had terrible stomach cramps, at one point of time i swore i thought i was having some menses (and then i felt quite bad for the ladies who have to go through that once a month). so yeah i went to the docs and he gave me an injection in the rear (yes there goes my virginity) and i am 2 days mc. i feel so dehydrated. spend time with him last night.

actually speaking of last night, i have a lot to say. we were going to watch "last life in the universe" so i got the tix and all, and we were settling down to watch the show, then this elderly couple sauntered in LATE and were talking like the own the place. the lady ate so loudly she probably doesn't even know that one can actually eat quietly. so we all were glaring at them and telling them to keep quiet. then this other guy went to get the management. when the manager came and nicely told them to keep quiet, they raised their voices and said we are so petty everything also complain and they were cursing us using the name of god. i was so angry (nownow, everybody knows my temper right. so imagine me holding back very very hard) then i couldn't take it cause that guy laughed at a scene that was not funny and he laughed so loud, i stepped up and said "i feel embarrassed for you" and walked off. the manager apologised and said they would refund us. in the meantime, the manager got other higher management to come down and talked to them.

the old man kept asking the lady if the manager touched her hand cos he can sue him for molesting (like mirror people mirror) then they refused to move even after the ENTIRE cinema, yes the ENTIRE told them to SHUT - UP. and what made me blew was they was saying we are evil taoist. so when they took their leave after the manangement called the security, they kept saying god will punish us and nature will takes it course (yeah if he fell dead right there and then, then yes nature did take its course) so anyway i said to them loudly "if you call yourself christians, you are the biggest disgrace to christianity"

on hindsight, i should have said (in all brit accent) "you are god's biggest mistake, ever"

ahh, yes yes the last post was a bit long for people to digest, but yes. sigh sigh, one whole weeked without dear. why must he be confined in camp? sigh sigh. but yeah, had a great day, went out with a my junior in the morning to go grab lunch and catch up and played some tunes on the guitar. then went out to ktv with buncha mates, and there was this guy who could sing so well, that if you hid him in one corner, you would honestly think it was a girl singing. he sang one night in beijing, the female. yes yes. and then hung around, went for dinner and that about sums up my saturday. boring right? yeah i noe too.. anyway latey now, going to sleep liaoz. one weekend without lying in his arms.. lovesick...

taken from paul's site

the thing that worries me is that - more often than not - arguments advocating gay rights seem to come only from gays themselves. but that makes it much easier to demonise the argument: "you're gay - of course you would ask for rights. why wouldn't you? but please, respect our space." it makes it easier when it's only the PLU who's doing anything because you can paint them as a renegade, no-good, emotive bunch of selfish freaks of nature.

no civil rights movement has ever succeeded without the help of those outside the discriminated class. i feel it is much more powerful when a heterosexual says that he believes in according respect and dignity to gays than to have ellen degeneres come out on national tv.

i think it says a lot about the majority and dominant class who prefer to keep silent rather than to try and involve themselves in the fight. how the state treats an individual should be of concern to all of us. when the state abuses it power against the weak, it should matter to all of us. it says a lot about an individual who believes that minority rights are "their" problem. let's just carry on with our lives because we're not affected anyway.

but history has taught us that a government who believes its people to be pliant will soon extend its power against anyone who dissents. so that in the antebellum period in the united states, not only were blacks enslaved, but even whites had their freedoms taken away: no one could speak, no one could associate, and for long periods, the NAACP had to fight to keep their membership list secret because even the whites themselves were afraid of reprisal.

so many singaporeans complain everyday about mrt noises, gst being raised, buses arriving late and of the government not listening to them. you want to know why? because the government has no interest in being interested unless you are. the government has no real incentive to make deep fundamental shifts in philosophy, thinking and behaving unless you are. if the government thinks it can get away with superficial, stop-gap improvements in municipal issues, it will do just that.

people say these bread and butter issues come first. no. it does not. failure to deal with such issues is only one manifestation of a chronic unwillingness to cede autonomy to individuals and having respect for the intelligence of society. if you think that problems of individual liberty and economic issues can be divorced and analysed separately, you're dead wrong.

but it's not only about how the government interacts with you. it's a question of how important you see yourself as being. if you believe that you're an individual, a person who can think, reflect and formulate positions, if you had any self-esteem at all, you would want the government to recognise your right to conscience. the ability and protection of your ability to do what you believe in, and to behave as you think is right is so fundamental and intrinsic in how you see yourself. i cannot understand people who say rights don't matter because it means that you don't matter. as my constitutional law tutor said, the ability to withdraw yourself from the homogenizing power of society is so crucial to the education and formation of a morally complex human being. in other words, individuals must have privacy and they must be given autonomy to decide for themselves and to learn from those decisions.

(i'm not going to get into the insulting discussion about third party harm because it's clear enough i'm not advocating violence or crime.)

people who think that this is just about gay people getting it on with each other totally misconceive what is at stake. it is about the state regulating who you can form intimate relations with. if the state doesn't say that it's wrong for a pretty girl to go out with an ugly guy (and how many time have we seen that already?), if it doesn't say you can't use condoms, can't get an abortion, so that procreation is not in issue, then what's left to justify this double-standard? what's left to justify an arbitrary flexing of state power against people it deems 'not normal.'

homosexuals should be prepared to fight the good fight. but heterosexuals who refuse to do so are equally morally blameworthy. guess who i think are being selfish?

there are many things i don't understand about the world and the way they view homosexuals. the state or massachusettes is legalising gay marriages because �The history of our nation has demonstrated that separate is seldom, if ever, equal,� the four justices who ruled in favour of gay marriage wrote in the advisory opinion. The court decided that a bill that would allow for civil unions, but falls short of marriage would establish �an unconstitutional, inferior, and discriminatory status for same-sex couples.�

The state �has failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason for denying civil marriage to same-sex couples,� the court wrote.

�Barred access to the protections, benefits and obligations of civil marriage, a person who enters into an intimate, exclusive union with another of the same sex is arbitrarily deprived of membership in one of our community's most rewarding and cherished institutions.�

i mean like duhz, it all makes sense right, why should gays be the ones who are marginalised all the time.

But Randy Thomasson, head of a lobby group in California, Campaign for California Families, has this to say to the conservative Worldnetdaily: �[T]he Massachusetts ruling "shows why some judges need to be recalled or impeached."

"When four arrogant jurists in black robes literally dream up homosexual 'marriage' and impose their subversive plan upon the people, it is cause for patriotic men, women and voters everywhere to rise up and take back their government," he said.

so then why should they be allowed to impose THEIR subversive plan to marginalise all homosexuals on us. look we are just humans, like you and many other people out there, the only thing is i love and can only love someone of the same sex. and what is the big fuss? look at the way singapore is handling the oral sex issues.

"Mr Arthur Fong (West Coast GRC) said that as the Government opens up, individuals and groups may try to raise particular issues. But he added: �Those who use this avenue must respect the space of others as well.�"

what i don't understand is how mr fong can expect respect in one direction (i.e from the oppressed to the oppressors) and say nothing about the other? if he refers to the act of sending the letters, that would mean that MPs should only have to address issues which they -want- to address. if he refers to homosexuality in general, well why then should homosexual space be any less respectable than heterosexual space? i haven't seen the goverment split any hairs about christian fundamentalists who want us "reformed" or "dead". or maybe heterosexuals simply take up more space cos they're all so fuglically fat while we're all so buff. smirk.

�However, I think the mere statistical presence of homosexuals among us does not make it the right thing to do and certainly does not imply fundamental shifts in societal norms.�

Just replace "homosexuals" with any other minority group and you could just about justify alnything you want. - taken from a friend's site

articles in full here and here

hehe. dear came over to my place last night. went for supper (he was quite surprised by the amount food i can eat for supper). and yep spend a great deal of time just talking and chatting with him. and well my sis was happily interrupting (not really lah). that poor boy, he's so tired. and he looks absolutely cute when he's tired cos his eyes would be red like a rabbit's. haha, anyway he commented that the new layout is quite depressing, ohwell, told him to read my wishlist. hehe. oh yeah, we went shopping at jp before he booked in, so anyway there was this really really nice shoe (its classified as a driving shoe apparently - with rubber soles from bridgestone, really) its sorta suede, in light and dark brown, and no it is not your normal sneakers, in fact it ain't even sneakers. and it is sooo nice. we both loved it alot.

i got that sneakers eventually after much nudging from him. i didn't wanna get it now because i am quite broke in all honesty. but he decidedly told the salesman that we would get it (the salesman claimed it was the last piece, but in their industry, everything is always the last piece) anyway so i went and paid for it, and guess what, he took my wallet and put in half the cost of the shoe. that silly boy. didn't even want him to pay for it at all. but yep.

he'll be confined over the weekend. ahhh, so sad so sad. i'll be missing him alot.

mark: yeah i will cherish him yeah.

new layout! new layout!

went driving yesterday. and it was great. haha i had so much fun and yep didn't cock up. am very glad. now i just have to hurry up with my final theory. stinks stinks. anywayz he's at it AGAIN. yesyes, he wants to commit suicide again. like how long is he going to take? my goodness. nobody seems to be able to talk sense into him. and well, if he really can't see any reason to live, then by all means. stop irritating everybody. sheesh. you know what i mean. the whole world is very bothered. and we honestly have our own life. you have it too, you've just got to live it.

went out for moon's (sorta) house warming thing. but it didn't turn out well cos mel went abit overboard. he snatched my handphone to read my msg (those from alex specifically) and it wasn't so bad if he had read one or two. he went to read ALL. everybody else didn't dare to read, eventually when mel snatched my phone, they read one or two. but he went on to read all. and that is really way too much. what was worse was that alex was there. i was so pissed. i made some caustic remark. and headed off for dinner with alex. then went to walk around before heading over to his place.

there's still something bugging me inside. sigh.

http://home.tiscali.nl/multicom/DaSchop/endofworld.swf

go watch that it is damn farnie.
----------------------
well today's a long day. i left camp at 1030 or something like that. i've got so many things i wanna complain, but i've decided against it, looking at the time now. and i'll be driving tomorrow anyway. so i am going to sleep early. but well, just wanna say that i am still quite alive, and yes yes i would post more tomorrow. definitely. night folks

for some strange reason, the moment i see you i just get reminded of my ex totally. the way your life is going, the way things are. for some very strange reason, i just want to tell you the world's going to be ok. i don't really know why, but i want to show you the same things i've showed my ex because i've changed him and i somehow think i can change you too. not that you should change or anything, but at least your perception of the world. no i'm not trying to court you or get you to bed or anything, just as a friend i meant. but seriously, i get that feeling inside me, that strong feeling of wanting.

and there's this article which i intend to put up. but i would put it up tmr instead, way too late now. alrighty, sleep well folks. alex i miss you!

wanted to post something last night. then i realised that i always post in the dead of the night when i am really sleepy, so everything is all over the place. so today, i've decided to post in the day. no i am not in camp now. falling quite sick, so took an mc today, after my leave yesterday. sigh sigh. poor me fell sick to the new year sickness. but i am quite alive, no worries.

went to the commissioning parade yesterday with one of my girlfriend. it was kinda wet (very in fact), but well i promised him that i would be there, and i wanted to see all my friends anyway. many people i know went as well, bumped into my senior who was there to witness his junior's commissioning. and yes i survived it with not much 'after effect' (yes i can't lie). he saw me and he was very happy to see me, all smiles and everthing. didn't get to meet his girlfriend though. thought i saw this girl, but i refuse to think too much. took a picture and i left shortly after. then off i went to find all my friends and saluted them (suppose to give angpao one, but they say the tradition doesn't exist anymore, yeah right). so i am fine.

and well well its been a rainy week, really really grey. i love and hate this kinda weather. if it was the school hols and i have such weather, i would absolutely love to chill out. but i am working and its not the weekend, so this weather is extremely bothersome. makes me feel so dreary and lovelorn too. sigh sigh. alex is outfield in this weather. hope he'll be fine. and hey, thx for walking into my life and being someone that i needed you to be.

and to you: yes that little 2 sentence in one of my long long post was talking about you.

hrmm damn interesting day. i just bumped into kor just now. like literally. i was collecting tickets for asian boys vol 2 at lot1, then as i was walking out, i just walked into kor. haha. so we decided to grab dinner together (we actually arranged for dinner on thursday). and we chatted for like the longest time. playing around with my mac cos there's still so much more to be discovered.

going to watch his commissioning tomorrow, well well, i don't know how i would feel or react, but i'm bringing this girlfriend of mine, and she doesn't know about me, so by hook or by crook, i've gotta hang in there, should there be any reaction from me. i hope not too.

alex is out in tekong for the rest for the week. hrmmm, well well hopes he's fine. tired again, though i'm on leave tmr. will update in the morning!!! nite folks

its been a rather interesting new year. i spent alot of time out, but amidst all these activities, i actually found time to think and reflect on my life. dunno why but i'm on a very reflective mood recently (sounds like some sorta mid life crisis thing) nahz. i have been leading a very, lets see how do i put it down properly (ok loss of words) 'action - packed' love life (yes terrible choice of words thank you) full of ups and downs. and well maybe abit too many changes for some people to accept, but i think i am fine. its just that somehow i feel that although i have learnt many things along the way, it is still very hard to make things turn out the way i want it to be. like sometimes i honestly wanna take a long breather then so many things happened (i wonder if i actually brought it on myself)

hrmm ok, i'm like super tired now, will update again. talking on the phone now with someone that walked into my life recently (and i am really thankful that he did)

hrmm, been really busy. i mean like really. haven't even had time to sit down properly and enjoy time with myself. busy and traumatic week i must add. and please pardon me for the lack of proper english and coherent sentences, am quite tired. but here updating my blog to let the whole world know i'm still alive and not quite dead (nahz i'm not into suicide - bad joke)

went out with adrian to return his webcam and had a great lunch at soup restaurant, didn't know that they had such good food. thanks for lunch. after which met up with alex. shopped around with him, went to hmv to look at cds then headed over to sembawang to purchase it (for obvious reasons). i've got for myself, liang jing ru's collection and camp VCD, yes dearest alanna, i'll pass it to you when i'm done (come on now, you owe me a big hug)

looks like i've to face my inner demon quite soon this wed. colin tells me not to go, he has my interest at heart. but i think i would still go. i promised him for one, for another, i really want to see him, if its for the last time. its been so long since we've last met. but no worries, i've already got a girlfriend to go with me (yes the gift of girlfriends - wonders if charrissa is reading this). i hope i would be able to take it well. if yes, then i am finally on my way of moving on and picking up those pieces. lets see what happens.

thank you alex for such a great day and for everything! haha i know by the time you read this it would be so late into the week liaoz, but still.

"you have to learn how to pick up the broken pieces and try over again. learn to give your heart to that someone new." someone said that to me 2 years ago. i never did learn how to recover from jason till that day. and it is then, i decided to go ahead and try to make things work with mel. we had a great relationship though it ended rather violently, we're still good friends. but i still can't get over alvin t. i don't know why i'm feeling like this. right now, as i am listening to "gui ji" or even "breathe" my mind would wonder and my eye would get teary. i hate this feeling, and i love hating this feeling. he went out of my life as sudden as he came in.

its only now that i realised that i behaved really ridiculously. and that i was indeed too clingy and i really misunderstood him. he wasn't exactly perfect either and he knew it and to give him credit, he really did try and i guess i was the who pushed him away. only now, that i know someone who behaves the same way i did last year, did i realise all this. that i was the one who caused it to fail. not to say that it wouldn't if i were more understanding and gave him more space. but the fact that the more i wanted him, the more i called, the more i messaged, the further he drifted away. it was never like that in the past. and then i lost him.

and so i am now unable to feel anything anymore. i can't make myself feel the same way as i did. i tried so hard. i had to leave you because i really couldn't get over my ex. although i was with him, i still can't feel strongly for him as much as i did for alvin t. would you ever believe me if i said that all i did was to put on a front and that i am really indeed crumbling inside. that i just wanted to him so badly to hold me. that i would really wait for him. i can't help feeling this way. i can't trust anything anymore. its not really nice to be dumped 4 times in a row. and like i've said so many times, how can i believe anything anymore. "promises are meant to be broken" "don't make it sound like i've cheated you (i want to be with you in the long run, i would never leave you - yar right)" "i would never make you cry" "i would never break your heart". overused and never ever meant. if you can't keep your word, don't ever make it. i never asked for anyone to promise me anything. i am that naive, i would believe you. but not anymore.

i can't feel anything, not now, not for awhile. i can't feel the wave of emotions running through my heart when i see anyone. yes anybody can be nice to me, but no it doesn't mean i would like you. i can't even force myself too. i feel so numb. jaded? i think i am a bit too young to be saying that but maybe.

i still call him now and then to chat. i tried asking him before but he never outrightly said no, but somehow i know we can never be. i still can't change the way i feel. nothing can fight that feeling. the feeling of me wanting to be with him. once he messaged me (the first time he initiated in a million years) and asked if i wanna chat, i just called immediately. we chatted and i was just so happy, at least he thought of me. now and then he would ask where i was, but mostly we are not near enough to meet. then one day, he told me that he patched back with his ex girlfriend (yes girl) and at that moment, my whole world just came crashing down. and i had to maintain my composure and replied in the most "plastic" tone, wishing them all the best. that was christmas, i was on duty in camp. i just went silent and left the room for washroom. he asked me to go for his commissioning parade, and at first i was jumping with joy, but after a few days i realised that his parents and his girl would be going. i told him that i won't be going because it would be really awkward. but honestly i am dying to go. i want to see him take that first step as an officer. and most importantly i just want to see him.

he just messaged me a few days ago, asking me if i was still going, and i asked if he really wanted me to, and he said he would really love me to go. guess what, i will be going. i don't know how i would react, i think i would bring a friend along (female too). what does it all mean? i don't know. and this time i really can't pick up the broken pieces and start over.

"these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase - my immortal"

yesterday was definitely one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. someone i know wanted to commit suicide because of me. well its too long and bothersome to post it up. but i wasn't exactly feeling my best either. in fact i felt absolutely shitty. but still went out with leon to get my games. damn it lorz, i cried while talking to him. like my straightest friend, and he heard me cry. haha. i had my shades on the whole day to hide those puffy eyes. then we had dinner (which wasn't that cheap). and he had to leave at 7. so i was left to walk around alone for the next 3 and a half hours because dearest nemes's decided to be fashionably late.

yep, he is back! haha missed him quite a bit ever since he flew to taiwan, and missed huiyi too, been quite awhile since i've seen them. so met up yesterday and they came over to me place. we had lotsa fun, made lotsa noise. and well lotsa things lahz. i'm too tired now to type properly. tatata....

i am still very pissed and very upset. damn it. damn it damn it. i wanted to post something very nasty but i decided against it. but anyway i've calmed down. and yep. i'll update again, many things to do now.

its been a while since i've posted anything. well its just that i have been going home quite late this couple of days due to functions, gramps bday, friend not feeling good and all sorts of nonsense. i really want to spend some time by myself and with some of my friends whom i haven't seen in ages. this is so terrible and there's nothing i can do about. i just don't see why i should be so nice as to make allowance for everybody and in the make myself suffer. but the thing is i can't. people often leave me with no choice. and i just want to scream at you. for god sake stop whining! (won't elaborate too much) whining doesn't solve anything and it doesn't make things any better. you want things to change and i tell you to do something but you refuse, if you don't to take my advice then SCRAM.

alanna i missed you! must must go out soon, i need to pass you something and grab my present from ya and just chill out and chat. and well lunz is coming back this friday, hoping to be able to catch him on sat. which means i may not have time for other things again. disgusting. disgusting. i want 48 hours a day, or i shall stop trying to please everybody and start pleasing myself.

and i am broke. yet again, my friend ran into some financial issues (so turn to the regular, nahz joking) and i lent him a sum of money. and i still have some over at colin's side. so i am quite broke actually. waiting for new year, (anybody going to pack me a big "ang pow"?)

and i am back home. finally. today is my first day back home. my first stay out day and ohmigod, i am so happy! happy shalalala. was attending this common officers training and had quite a lot of fun. we basically didn't sleep much. spent alot of time talking and having fun, drinking (not drunk this time). it really did bonded us more i suppose.

but honestly, i still can't settle some internal disagreement with myself. there are just too many things spinning in my head. i am not ready for anything. its too soon. i am fine, but really, i don't want anything as yet. it is not that i am fighting it or anything, but nobody really understands the concept of taking things slow. one step at a time. that right now, we can function perfectly well as friends and see where we go from there. so does it not necessary mean that i would sort out my time equally. i don't mean anything evil. but its just that i need time and don't push me. the more you try, the further i would drift, i don't want that to happen either but it will.

and then there's the case of my ex. i won't dwell too much into that. but try to understand. i really don't want to offend and hurt anybody. its simple really, it ain't too complicated. just don't work too hard, just let things run. if it is meant to be, it will. if it is not, then it wouldn't.

just had a really really great time with alanna and mark just now. ohman, its been a really really long time since the three of us went out and had so much fun. mark's leaving on tuesday and i can't see him off cos i'll be in camp and i can't get any off because i'm still stuck on the course. my best friend flying off again for 7 months. and to make things worse, i might be flying off to aus before mark comes back to s'pore, so that would make it one entire year without seeing my best friend.sigh sigh.

caught mona lisa smile, and it was such a great show, i cried too actually (don't think alanna knows) ok lahz, not cried but teared?.. went off for dinner at caught mickki brown at esplanade. she's one hell of a great jazz singer really. the crowd gave a standing ovation at the end. she's really really good. but i'm far too tired to type anymore. i'm booking in tomorrow morning. will update again at the end of week. take care guys, love ya all!

its a new year! so HAPPY NEW YEAR guys. last year wasn't a pretty good year from humanity (took it from a chit chat with adrian) and i sincerely hope that this year will be a much better one, with the new US election coming up i hope things change (ooops, a bit too direct?). i really do want to have world peace! i don't really have much new year resolutions, in fact i don't think i ever had any to being with. i think its because i have always felt that its useless and we all will forget our new year resolution by the time march arrives. but i suppose other than the previous mention wish, i really wanna be able to pass my course and become a pilot, and my father to be able to keep his job. and one more thing which i wouldn't post it up.

but for the material side, i've already got my ibook G4! so next on the list is my ipod, zoom gfx5, oakleys square wire and 40/80gb external hard drive.

and i did have a good supper last night, eating roti prata and clementi (that cheese prata store) then i went home and finished editing my course video. think i might post it up. its quite nice. was going to go for paradise countdown with my 3 gorgeous juniors. cos one of my juniors, she had extra tickets (yes they are girls thank you very much). but my mommy was afraid of a terror attack, so oh well, i was a good boy yesterday. hahah. i am passing out tomorrow, finally. booking in soon so take care guys!

and i was going to say something about being really really drunk, but never mind. i will update that when i am more awake. one more thing to say is that, i hope 2004 will be a better year! and what i really want for the new year, my ipod! hahah