i just watched oprah. for the first time, on channel 5. and somehow everything that she said just resonated in my heart. there's no way out of the pain but to walk through it. there's no shortcut, no formula, nothing. one has to survive it and walk out of it.

the show was about this woman who's life was blown to pieces after her husband died in the 9/11 attack. and somehow i'm feeling. isn't death a better resolution. isn't death finality. at least he is not coming back anymore. the end. dealing with death seems to be so much easier. there's nothing else to hope, nothing else to imagine. there's nothing. and isn't emptiness simply the best.

yes he left. and what exactly do you do when the person is still around but not really around anymore. if one left because of death, the i suppose it would be so much easier to handle. after the grieve, we move on. maybe it takes awhile, but we move on. but when one leaves cause of circumstances, especially at the parting moment, we still love each other. how does one deal with that. and how does one deal with a change of heart less than one month after parting.

kathryn (the women in the show) said that her husband's last words to her were "i love you, take care of the kids". and isn't that enough to survive on. because you know that the end, right before he died, he loves you. and he took the love to his grave. to eternity.

and so i sat there in front of the TV, waiting to find out how does the psychologist recommend moving on. oprah said she really respects kathryn for being able to do things normally. soul's hurt but at least life routine's move on. my life routine is moving on too. i wake up every morning and draw my curtains to let light in, like alwyn said i should. i remember the 1st few weeks i would just rot in bed, i would refuse to wake up and keep crying and hoping.

i refused to let life routine continue, i refuse to meet my friends. i didn't even eat or sleep. it took me a month to snap out of that but i did. now i even go to school and take notes in lecture.

and oprah and the psychologist said that while that's good that everything is done right, the soul is still hurt. and it takes a lot more for the soul to heal. i forced myself to hide all my grieve from everyone for the past 3 weeks and i couldn't take it anymore, and i shouldn't hide it. i should just continue to grieve and walk through the pain.

maybe someday you'll be back. maybe you'll never come back at all. i think i have said enough to you. "dear i really love you alot. thanks for all." you said that to me the 1st time we parted and now i am returning it to you. i really do love you. thanks for all.

there's no shortcut, there's no formula. i can only walk through the pain, and surrounding myself with people who would let me talk about, not my anger, but my pain. and one day i will walk through it.

all i ever wanted, was to spend my lifetime loving you.