you don't say, google

and what is so interesting about the picture? well someone wanted to drive from New York to Paris, so click on the picture and look at #23, driving instructions 23....

cheers!

its tomorrow

in just a little over 13 hours, i will be facing my first exam paper - Social Psychology! *jitters* but what to do, its going to be a long and arduous exam journey, with 6 papers spread over 2 weeks.

after my exams, i get a week break and special semester starts (who ask me so act smart go and take double major), for 3 weeks, then a 2 week break, then its exam day. then then then..... i fly to melbourne (to see you know who)

here's to all those mugging away with me, and to all those who think about mugging!

cheers for the A's and the A-'s and maybe one B+???????? please...............................

What's Morally Wrong With Homosexuality?

this was the video that i wanted to post a while back, but couldn't. watch out for the parents bit, and the roman catholic priest but. also watch out for 'the words we use bit!!" enjoy!!!

work overload

work overload, and being super upset and disillusioned by the government, but what's new in that department.

lets do another run down of the next week schedule

17th - Social Psychology Exams
18th - Intercultural Communication Exams
18th night - Statistics project due
19th morning - Freelance assignment due

why? because it pays the bills! thank god my client/employer is really nice.

and thankfully, my baby's really patient with me.

hate

hate is a very strong word. such a strong word indeed.

verb [ trans. ]
feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone) : the boys hate each other | he was particularly hated by the extreme right.
• have a strong aversion to (something) : he hates flying | [with infinitive ] I'd hate to live there.
• [with infinitive ] used politely to express one's regret or embarrassment at doing something : I hate to bother you.

zero

self esteem - zero, self worth - zero

quote of the day

"when enlightened dictatorship starts to wither away into irrational authoritarianism"

charming.

tired, 有点累

好累哦。这几天都不断的用功读书，每天都读到三更半夜在去睡觉。幸亏有爸买的人生燕窝给我提神！其实，我的三更半夜也只是到凌晨两三点，因为我觉得如果这么累，读再多也不能吸收到什么。bodyclock 也需要很多的调整。所以呢，小朋友要去睡了哦。

midterms and exams

exams are just around the bend and i've still got one essay and one project. talk about going mad and dying. studying has been on schedule, but i've got a freelance project coming up so i have to be ahead of my schedule so i can take up the project, what to do, it pays the bills.

got back another mid terms today. think i fared alright, but it was just a bit below my expectations. yeah i mean it was alright, but why am i not like the top!!! ARGH.

not even sure whether am i at least one standard deviation above the mean, i better be more than 1 SD above the mean!

been trying to upload a video, but it appears that youtube has problem adding this blog to it. so do click on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPzso1OOTPM

fascinatingly funny video "what's morally wrong with homosexuality" watch out for the insightful bits about choice of words used, watch out for hilarious comments on the mother and the priest!

cheers

新生活

是不是觉的好像走到别人的 blog 呢？放心，这还是我小朋友，scott, [k], kiezin, 的地盘。为什么要换网页呢？因为这里是免费的！不用我每年花费宝贵的零用钱来负担。新的 blog，新的生活，全新的我！

考试要到了！我也要埋头苦读了。

幸好还有我的宝贝在我身旁陪伴着我。

colors and me

from http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg

You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your 'love for your fellow man (or women)' will give you peace of mind. You need people - people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going, the hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding. You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

of exams and PMS

i realized that whenever it is exam period, i would get very pms-y. like super pms-y. and i think all my boyfriend, ex and jem included suffer the brunt of it. not that i am being mad and start scolding people lah, but just pms-y in general. like will get moody and all the nonsense.

i suppose that is because of my perfectionist. i absolutely hate to fall behind my planned schedule, i hate it when i get unproductive. like today. i spent half day covering half a chapter. what the fuck. at this rate i would not get my As. i might even get below B+. how traumatizing is that!!!!!

and and and, i've got projects due AFTER exams starts. like seriously. i got lecture on thursday, and the same subject's exams on tuesday. and yes what is covered on thursday is examinable. LIKE FUCK YOU SU GUAN YING!! can you please use some brains that a study week would be really useful! why is NTU always one step behind everyone.

i did mention that i am pms-ing right? that includes being whiny.

i am gg to sit and sulk now because i got no dinner...

thank god dear is patient!!

Magic

I swear i love the brits dry humor. it gets me every time!

well lets see how i am going to murder myself in the next month.

i have a 3000 word essay due this friday. i have a presentation next tuesday. i have another term paper to finish by next thursday morning because it is due when i am still overseas. i also have my exams in 20 days. i also have to give tuition and my freelance project which starts from the day i come back from thailand and right before my exams (why? because i've got bills to pay)

then its exams all the way till april 30th. one week breather and its special semester! i am mad yes i know.

i figured that if i studied 4-7 chapters a day, i will just nice finish studying everything in time for my exams. BUT, i don't even have time to finish my work! let alone study.

I AM DYING! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i bring to you news report from CNET, on how to make sure your computer is safe from viruses.

DO NOT USE OneCare

http://news.com.com/2061-10789_3-6168629.html?part=rss&tag=2547-1_3-0-5&subj=news

"Since shipping in May, OneCare has failed industry tests and exposed users to attack because of a security flaw in the antivirus engine. The application also incorrectly flagged Gmail as a virus and in some cases quarantined or even deleted complete in-boxes when a single e-mail was laden with a virus."

Well, of course OneCare is by Microsoft. Read the full story:

It was already clear that Microsoft's Windows Live OneCare isn't a best-in-class security product. Instead, OneCare is a newcomer that needs to mature. Now a Microsoft employee has said that the product shipped too soon.

"OneCare is a new product--they shouldn't have rolled it out when they did, but they're fixing the problems now," Arno Edelmann, Microsoft's European business security product manager, told CNET News.com sister site ZDNet UK last week.

In the ZDNet UK piece, Edelmann is quoted as saying that "bits and pieces are missing" from OneCare. Key parts of the trouble with the application lie in the update mechanism and the underlying antivirus engine, according to the article.

Since shipping in May, OneCare has failed industry tests and exposed users to attack because of a security flaw in the antivirus engine. The application also incorrectly flagged Gmail as a virus and in some cases quarantined or even deleted complete in-boxes when a single e-mail was laden with a virus.

someone whom i don't know passed away today. but in some indirect way, there's a relation. and then i found myself at a loss of words, because i am not quite sure what to say, for fear of not saying the right things, and end up being disrespectful or insensitive.

in fact i am not even sure what to do.

and that led me to think about death. some time ago, i casually told my friends that should i die, i want kylie minogue to be playing at my wake. it may sound like a joke, but i think the idea is not a joke. for me, death is something that is sad only because there's a loss. but more than being sad, we should celebrate a life well-lived. a life filled with meaning, and then to reflect on our life now. because we never know what is going to happen tomorrow, are we going to regret anything if tomorrow never arrived.

i've always been quite happy, there's nothing i would change about my life even if i could, because i appreciate every single experience!

so yes, when i die, play kylie minogue and have fun, and celebrate for me a life full of surprises, unexpected twists, ups and down, full of meaning and joy. a life that we own, a life!

Bon Jovi-All about loving you

This is the sweetest MTV I've seen. I know you've watched it before, but I still want to share it with you again =)

over the weekend, i met up with jeth and jiahui and mark, and guess what was their first remark.

"hey kiez, did you dye hair black?"

like black wasn't my natural hair colour!!! ARGH, apparently i've been all shades of blonde for way too long. i have decided to keep black hair for this season!

lynette decided to make all of us laugh our dinner out when she declared that 你摸了我的心。literally translated from the english line: "you touched my heart"

joy to the world, to my friends and i!

this is my strawberry cream cheesecake! i baked it all by myself! and my mom - who once spat out my baked mushroom - told me that it is very delicious! I AM SOOOOOOOO HAPPY

alexis decided that i am rather domesticated. I AM NOT!!!!!!! but i dun mind being a house-husband and make delicious dinner and picking my baby up from work. HAHAHA okokok [scream: GROSSS]

who wants to eat????

NYT: Did Microsoft rip-off Apple Mac OS X in Windows Vista?

ok, i love this video. david pogue of new york times sets out to show that windows vista did not rip off mac os x. that whatever we had for the past 3 years are different than what vista is having now. watch it!

why i can't stand rich losers!!!!

i study my ass off to get a double major in a really hard to enter course, and just because everywhere rejects rich losers cause their academic is not good enough for local universities, there are those private universities that allows people to enter with O levels. FREAKING O levels and they can complete their double major with 120 credits!!! OMG! i take 173 credits, 40 modules plus one semester at internship to complete my double major in 7 semesters. and i need GPA of 4/5. they need a GPA of 2.5/4 and that is called GOOD ACADEMIC STANDING... that is called lousiest student in my school!!!

and guess what, they get a degree by University at Buffalo, The State University of New York with SIM.... and i, a university called NTU..

I WANT TO SMACK SOME ASS!!!

######
edit:

and i am whining because i don't have access to such resources. like my bitch ling puts it, the rich will only get richer using her psuedo-evolution theory. and i am again not complaining about my family because my dad really works very very hard for us. its just this whole sandwiched class thing that we cannot get out of. no matter how hard the powers that be tells you. its not possible. its not even like i get bad grades. my grades are not that bad, better than most of the freaking rich people that goes overseas on their parents wealth, and they come back and get even richer.

and i will be just one of those lemmings. one of those lemmings in life. not the lower class, but the middle class lemmings. one of them. just because i don't have the means to do what i want to do.

look down on me.

Apple WWDC 2006-Windows Vista Copies Mac OS X

this is so damn funny! omg!!! watch it and eat your heart out. =p

think different

my absolute favourite video of all times. do watch it! =)

mommy told me about her friend's son in NUS who wants to take a semester off because he can't cope with the stress of school anymore and he doesn't want to lose it. and i was thinking how this whole double major and assorted stress is worth it. well this semester is really quite a busy semester, and then there's work and every other thing.

and it seems that everyone is so busy and so stressed. always functioning just below that threshold. i am so glad that the holidays are here because i am almost at the max that i could take.

singaporeans, the have-nots will always be studying here, in a system that stretches you thin, encouraged apathy and rejects pro-active and initiative, and the very system then wonders about patriotism. the same system whereby the haves will be studying overseas regardless if they could or could not enter the singapore universities and they do really well there (despite not being able to enter the local system) and they come back being much more respected than the have-nots just because of some US, UK or that is not from singapore.

wondering about income gap or income disparity? well, it is not a case where the rich get richer and the poor get richer. its indeed the rich get MUCH richer and the poor gets poorer.

welcome to my country.

testing

http://mingalive.mysinablog.com/resserver.php?resource=446865-%5Btvbt%5Dtaiyou.torrent

after so many months and years, the scars do not go away. and they only serve to remind me that beneath this happy-go-lucky, this cheerful exterior is just a messed up person who yearns for affection and love. it is just a little boy that wants to be hug.

years go by but nothing really changes. and sitting here looking at myself, and i wonder what a failure i've been.

happy chinese new year to me.

do you know that i am feeling sad, and upset?

what is the point of saying what a person feels when nothing is done thereafter. hence what is the whole point of talking. shouldn't a person's action also strives to make the other person comfortable? if everybody should be able to do exactly what they want without considering the other person, then wouldn't the world be in chaos.

if someone express discomfort, should we then still go ahead with the thing that makes the person uncomfortable to make the person even more uncomfortable?

its so weird to start CNY with fear, an immense sense of fear.

suddenly i'm so afraid.

goodnight world.

and a happy chinese new year to you all.

Get A Mac - Security

you guys have to watch this! its hilarious

in the midst of studying again, and i am beginning to love this peaceful feeling even more. talking to someone about my anger management issues is really helping a lot. well for starters i am a lot more patient these days (even alexis and lynette noted that!)

and the book 'the art of happiness' puts its more into perspective. life, and the purpose of life.

ah, what a sweet serenity.

in the midst of studying for a quiz and listening to music on a quiet night. everything seems peaceful. all that's missing from this night is just someone by my side.

i like how music set the mood. how if the music changes, the entire experience changes.

and right now, its making appreciate everything around me, enjoying this moment.

awww, thanks to all of you for being so nice and concerned over my scuffle with my mom. not exactly a scuffle but well. you know woman are damn weird! immediately after she yelled at me, she came home and talked to me as if nothing has happened. can you imagine how off balanced i was feeling. it is such a weird moment for me.

but things are fine now, and it seems that she don't really want me to go over because she doesn't think gay relationship can last a lifetime and therefore i shouldn't waste money, not that she can't accept me being gay - i think my father is better at that than my mom.

baby was comforting in his way, rationalizing things for me to see. and well it appears that all moms speak like that - for who knows what reason. and i decided that i will prove my mom wrong! that i am going to grow old with my baby =)

hehehehehe. alright, that was mushy enough!

its not as if a long distance relationship is not hard enough as it already is. then there's the whole issue of not meeting and my mom actually thinks that not meeting for an entire year is alright, in fact it is quite a lot to meet once a year. i told her that in june i would like to find him, then she just started screaming like a mad woman. i have no idea why. she went on and on about she doesn't know why i have to go to melbourne again. why not another place.

its not as if she doesn't know i am dating him. then she went on to say that there are many people who date overseas but don't meet, i told her fuck you, find one person for me and she couldn't. she said that she and my dad. she's malaysian and my dad's indonesian. yar right. they both stayed in singapore when they dated.

damn fucked up.

and its not as if i am not stressed out and maxed out by school. i worked hard and study hard so i can finance myself, don't tax my parents too much, and give them a good life for taking care of me, and she keeps saying till like i am the most useless thing on earth, i love her so much why does she hate me so much.

in our lecture today, we covered something called cognitive dissonance, one interesting question that was posed was that despite we all feel that clearing our readings by the week is better than leaving it all till the end of the semester, none of us do that.

then i talked to gabby and reflected on our situation. its not as if that we do not want to do our readings, in fact we are quite far behind. but this semester has really been quite overwhelming in terms of work, and we are working by deadlines.

everyday is filled up with school, assignments and planning for projects and a bit of readings. i can't possibly work without resting at all. i need to rest and relax and talk to my baby (=p). so i need my tv shows and skype hours. seriously 24 hours a day is a stretch. and i do not have much time left for my darling friends or even swimming! over and on top of that, i have to give tuition for pocket money. sigh

what an overwhelming semester. i want my life back!

what really scares me is how emotions and anger can consume. and how being more educated doesn't make any more difference. in fact it only seems to make things worse because the more educated we all get, the more we know, the more we all think we are right.

spent the whole night doing statistics is quite draining, and to top it up there's a stats lecture. following stats lecture is interpersonal. and taking that course makes me so much more aware, but it doesn't seem to be making it better (i think it does, but i am not really sure)

according to various measures, i am an idealistic romantic. and being romantic in outlook is apparently not as good because of unrealistic expectations. the 6 unrealistic and damaging expectations

1. disagreements are destructive
2. partners cannot change
3. mindreading is essential
4. sex must be perfect everytime
5. men and women are just different
6. great relationship just happens

well, number 5 doesn't really apply. but i suppose i need to change my paradigm. great relationships take effort and work. and disagreements are opportunities to know each other better. and that humans all change with interaction to each other.

"well now I am grown
and these years have shown
that rain's a part of how life goes
but it's dark and it's late
so I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

and I hope that you'll know...
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

everything's fine in the morning
the rain'll be gone in the morning
but I'll still be here in the morning"

after so many years, i am still ENFP, after taking so many different test. haha according to the brutally honest test, me, lynette are still the same even after taking the REAL, paid for test.

apparently i am the

, you're now logged in!

Below you'll find your test result. After, continue on to your
homescreen to discover what we're about.

continue to OkCupid homescreen >

Scumbag- ENFP 66% Extraversion, 73% Intuition, 23% Thinking, 40% Judging

I have a feeling you're not going to like this much. Do I care? No. How do I know? It's because you hate criticism. You love to be loved and you'll do anything to be accepted. Unfortunately for you, I can see right through your insincere compliments and over-the-top greetings. No matter what you do, I'll always hate you for what you are. An arrogant, unstable, overly enthusiastic scumbag. I bet you're pretty proud of your accomplishments, huh? You seem to achieve at whatever you put your little mind too. Trust me. Nobody likes the person who is good at everything. NOBODY LIKES YOU. This might also have something to do with the fact that you're a cheating machine. You're just not the type of person to make long-term commitments. You enjoy seeing "what could be", rather than being satisfied with "what is." This, of course, means you often leave others in the dust while you seek out another lover. Well, at least you're not the one left in the dust. Unfortunately, when you're the one lying in the gutter with a bloody knife in your back, you might think differently. ***************** If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this. ***************** The other personality types are as follows... Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging Almost Perfect - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging Commander - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Extraversion You scored higher than 99% on Intuition You scored higher than 99% on Thinking You scored higher than 99% on Judging

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

#####

i want to spend the rest of my entry complaining about alexis! i have a love hate relationship with her. she told me today that she doesn't think i am cute ($!%@%@%#!@%#!%!%!). then half an hour later, she told me that i am not cute, but good looking. she is sending me double-bind messages. so i don't really know to love her or to hate her. we decided that love-hate relationship is the way to go from now on!

hahahaha. lynette decided that i wasn't cute, but magazine good looking. that's why i like lynette. she tells good lies. LOL.

[my baby insist that i am narcisstic]

its one of those times i wonder if any of us knows exactly where we are going and what are we doing in life? it is one of those times i feel powerless and weak to stop the incredible force of the world. a world heading for destruction, a world hurtling towards the end and powerless to stop it.

every single policy, every single damn thing revolves around money, rather than saying we're a meritocracy society, i propose that we call ourselves a monetary society, and just gracefully admit we're all sluts for money. ALL OF US. we're slaving our lives away for money, for the superficial, for the glamourous.

we tax the poor to help the poor, we lower the taxes for the rich, lower corporate taxes for the rich, so the rich is going to get richer, and then the poor can get poorer. money. work. money. study, so that we can work in the future. money. money money money. money is indeed the new religion.

and with globalisation, the rich people can live in the richest and most comfortable places in the world, and pay taxes in the poorest place, so they pay the least tax. and for anybody who tries to tell you that everyone is better off. tell them to open their eyes. with capitalism comes some of the worst living conditions ever. just look at singapore, and walk behind the skyscraping towers, you'll see living conditions not a single one of you who can read this can ever imagine.

countries where water is scarce. EVERYWHERE. but you who is reading this, is still wasting water while brushing your teeth, taking plastic bags for nonsensically small items, throwing away paper and printing ONE SIDE on fresh unrecycled paper.

powerless to stop the mad worshipping of money and luxury.

at times like this i tell myself that all i want in my life is happiness. permanent happiness that even with no money, i will still be happy. and i will work towards being happy. being fulfilled, making myself feel happy in a way that money cannot make me feel.

its so easy, just a flick of a finger and you're gone. separated by unthinkable distance. physical, mental, emotional. calm and cool. it comes so easily. but what's left here? here in the cold damp grey. the deafening silence. the crowded loneliness of the room. it ain't that easy.

i am suppose to be in school, a long day till 730pm, but i am home. sitting on my chair and not knowing what to do. some times things gets to you. and you just stone there, not knowing what to do. lost.

you know your are in trouble when your own Chief of your software describe the upcoming software as "a pig", and concedes that if he was not working with your company he would buy a rival.

welcome Jim Allchin, Windows chief of Microsoft.

#####
In a 2004 e-mail to Chairman Bill Gates and CEO Steve Ballmer made public during opening arguments in December, Allchin criticized Windows and said ``I would buy a Mac today if I was not working at Microsoft.''

Allchin at the time was leading development of Longhorn, the code name for Windows Vista, which reaches stores Jan. 30. Allchin, who is retiring after Vista is released, referred to Longhorn as ``a pig'' and said ``we have lost our way.''


Read the full story here @ http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=conewsstory&refer=conews&tkr=AAPL:US&sid=aZdk6J4hbFEg

i think maybe i have far too many issues.

i don't know why, but i have low self-esteem and i feel so insecure. i am always scared of being abandoned and not being loved. sometimes i am even wonder why if i am worth it. i have this need to want to know that i am special, and i simply cannot fathom out why. is it something to do with before?

i am a mix of so many things.

and i want to try to change and i have changed quite a fair bit, but there's a long way to go to address some underlying issues. like why am i so scared to be left alone. or the thought that i am not really that special scares me.

does that sound freaky?

many things to be done, and i have to do it myself. i must be more secure and feel better about myself. somewhere, there's an answer.

hey you guys, i am still alive! school has started already, not like most of you don't already know. in fact most are you are probably in the same situation as me huh? i like school. well, i love it. CS ROCKS!

spent a gazillion amout of money on textbooks. i am a nerd! what can i say.

watching project superstar, and i must say that carrie was really good on her last song, she really moved me. now to see how the guys perform! hope she stacks up well.

updates on my life? well i am still madly in love and totally 24/7-ing. and lynette cannot stand it! she's just jealous i swear! hrmm looking forward to work! is there any job for me. those who have lobang, you know how to contact me.

oh yar you guys have gotta read this article by Erika Jonietz : "I have insisted that MS-DOS wasn't hard to use (once you got used to it), that Windows 3.1 was the greatest innovation in desktop operating systems....Ironically, playing around with [Windows] Vista for more than a month has done what years of experience and exhortations from Mac-loving friends could not: it has converted me into a Mac fan."

read it here http://www.technologyreview.com/Infotech/17992/page1/

you know mac rocks when everybody in the windows world are converting to mac, because "Mac crashes were easier to recover from than the infamous Blue Screen of Death", and zero viruses and because mac just works. you plug it in and VOILA!

i m not giving up on myself, don't give up on me.

i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid, i am not stupid.

2006 is finally over; its been such a long year. i barely remember how 2006 started, the memory is a bit faint. bits and pieces, all over the place.

so many events happened in 2006, that i don't really what to say. ups and downs. very down after the break up. exams woes, ridiculous things happening. everything, you name it, i've probably gone through it.

i was ready to think that 2006 is without a doubt the worse year of my life, but something magical happened and 2006 ended with a bang, and quite some tears.

thank you for coming into my life and making everything so beautiful and so perfect.

=)

being gay has always meant the same few things, the stereotype. pride - being proud to be gay, shame - ashamed to be gay. fanciful clothes, good looking, gym going, know the difference between micro-dermabrasion and exfoliation, can tell you which eye cream is the best for you, and will never be seen without his hair done. your stereotypical gay guy.

and most of us live for now. the present. at most we live for the immediate future because is there really a future? the saddest thing about being gay is the fact that we can't have children. well i know that many straight couple and straight people do not have children too but stay with me.

we all die, and we all will. sooner or later. whether we accept it or not, we are all dead afraid of being dead (pun intended). even if you have a life partner, so what, at one point in time, one will move on before the other and all that is left in the world is just you. alone.

the scariest thing about death is that you have to do it alone.

at least memory lives on, yes that is true. we are physically gone, but our spirits may remain and memories never fades. but at some point in time, everybody that remembers you would have been dead, and that is when you are truly dead. when you don't exist in anyone memories anymore.

what does having a children entail? the ability to immortalizes ourselves. so that we live on in our children. so that we live something behind.

is that the biggest punishment for being gay?

he's back for almost 2 weeks already. and every day was spent literally glued together.

i fell sick 2 nights ago. bad case of food poisoning. puked twice on the train ride back. thank goodness we had plastic bags. so it was puking into the bag and then to the toilet. TWICE. when i went hom, i puked again. and then i had diarrhea. like THRICE. it was so bad. and he was taking care of me. very well i must say. even my puke didn't turn him off. *swooons* so sweet hor.

it was damn hilarious, because he wasn't feeling good as well, so both of us were lying on the bed with tummyaches.

did i mention that my mom adores him to bits?

parted for a night last night. and it just felt so weird. like as if i lost an arm or something. feels weird to not have my arms around him =/

but oh well. back to melb tonight. take care all of you =)

yes. alive and well. still kicking amongst other things as mentioned =p

he's over at my place now. just nuah-ed the whole day while he's doing his work and i am reading and dozing off. hahaha. bliss in the simple things in life.

flying off on wed with him for about 3 weeks. then i've gotta make my way back alone. alone for a few months.

but till then, let me savour this moment. this moment which is so hard to come by.

he's back! finally! WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

spent the past 3 days with his folks, and now he's over at my place. had a family dinner.

bliss.

so yes i am not dead yet! still alive and kicking. amongst other things.

listening to augustana's boston brings me back to the states. to LA specifically. i didn't spend much time there, but i did spend a great deal of time at the train station and a good amount of time talking to justin.

life is such an amazing thing, so much experience to be gained. and yet most of us are lost in this crazy rat race. this never ending chase of nothing. its nothing because we come to earth with nothing, and we leave earth with nothing. eventually everything amounts to nothing. since at some point in time something came out of nothing, surely something will end in nothing. no?

so why then do most of us chase after paper? chase after that degree, and no it is not just a degree, it must be a 2nd upper honours. and then there's the chase for money. we work our entire life for money, then we die.

isn't it just so grim. so grim?

what about things we enjoy, don't that matter anymore? well of course one can argue that without money, we can't enjoy. and if you can't even see from this side of the fence, you can stop reading and go and die, because i can't be bothered to type out the counter argument of how one can be poor and happy. and not because i can't.

and so at that train station, there was so many people. so diverse (yes more diverse than this little red dot). and every one of them had a story. there was a mom yelling over the phone (presumably to her ex-husband) with a few kids in tow. there's children from all background taking 20 hour of train ride to some far flung corner of the states, were they running away?

"you don't know me, you don't even care"

no i don't know them, and i probably didn't care. but at that moment, it felt so amazing that there's so many different people leading so many different lives. that each and every one had their problems, their stories to tell. each passenger alighting at different places, with new experiences.

and here in singapore? we are dying because of one fucking exams which we place too much faith on. does it really determine who we are?

"scott, you belong to the upper echelon of the cohort" some big booby girl told me. well i don't. i was quick to point out that there were many many others who are better than me. and i don't want to be the best, yet i want to.

and in this wanting, i keep studying and keep moving in one direction that will eventually make me cherish material more so than emotional. and that must never happen. because i must enjoy things that i enjoy, because money mean nothing, because once in a while, i realize that once again, i am stuck on the rat race, and now i am moving out of it. i will do what i can. but success is defined by myself. not by anyone else.

and because, now, there's you.

this year is indeed my best birthday year ever. went out with the gang for sashimi buffet at odeon towers. at i've got a 'help scott buy an ipod fund'. then came home, and i had a surprise from colin and my sis! well my sis and colin were not so good at concealing it, but i was still damn touched. and then baby tricked me and said he was going to sleep, but he waited up for me! ahhhhhh! and i just had lunch with rudy!

but good does necessitate bad.

the most himbotic moment in my entire live, i FORGOT to attempt a 30mark question. like completely FORGOT. seriously, i only found out after my exams. it was such a 'you dumb ass' moment.

but after like the initially shock and tears, i was strangely calm for the entire night and this morning in fact. but it only sunk in earlier today. 'how could this happen?'

but oh well, nothing really gets to me other than mom and my loved ones. so i would be fine after a while. and it is indeed most silly to let it affect other papers because it would mean that my himboticness will have further repurcussions!

silly me.

don't lose it. hang in there. its just exams. don't be silly.

i love our government. honest. to help the poor and the needy, they decided to RAISE the GST (goods and services tax). yep you heard right, if you did not read the newspaper at all. of course they are in good faith! what do you expect we have in singapore to help the poor? tax the rich income a lot higher to help the poor? nonsense, you TAX THE POOR the help the POOR. duh. what an obvious logic is that. why didn't anybody else in the world see it.

nonsensical countries like australia who tax their citizens so much (30->50%) so that health care is free for all citizens, and that the old and the unemployed can get by with allowances are not as intelligent as our government. instead of taxing those people who are working, tax everybody, including those who DON'T WORK.

but of course the oppositions in the government do not see as far as our government. as noted by 'Diary of a Singaporean Mind'

"Looking at the trend, I am quite certain
that there are going to be more cuts in the personal
income and corporate tax rates in the future.
To make up for this revenue loss, it is certain that the
Government is going to raise GST even higher.
So before this GST is increased to 5%, 7%,
9% or even higher in future,
I hope the Government can plan ahead
and institute a system to exempt
certain essential staple items from GST.
Do not wait until there is
great social discontent to do it. "
- Steve Chia 2002 Parliament Debate on Budget


But no worries, the government will of course OFFSET all this entirely, and MP Low should not accuse them of not having a comprehensive plan, because IT IS NOT ANNOUNCED. so all singaporean should be happy that something is planned.

Just like our transport fee hikes AGAIN, there were vouchers. period!

this birthday has gotta be one of the best ones. it started out with the lovely french dinner and my fave skinny tie. then yesterday, baby told me to open my mailbox because he needs me to help him mail out something. and yes, only bimbo me will not be able realise that there's something fishy.

so i saw this nice golden box and i didn't even think anything of it, just wondered why would he mail something in a box. then it struck me! its my birthday present! AHHHH!! he got me DAMN NICE swatch skin! *swoooooons*

well all of you will get to see it soon! hahaha =p.

next on the line is my jap dinner!

what present do i want? a white 30gb ipod or a new sony ericsson z610i is good =p

i was really bored and my baby's sleeping, so i did this

I am worth $2,603,224 on HumanForSale.com

i had the most exciting, ok exciting's not the word, pleasant (!) birthday dinner last night. jeth and jia brought me to this fantastic french restaurant along telok ayer street. food was GORGEOUS cept the main course (mine and jia's - we had ribeye that was tough, argh... i had better ones at bintan). and of course wine and desserts accompanied the lovely dinner.

swoooons

they even got me a present. a skinny tie. *screams* i have been looking for one for AGES and i can't seem to find a nice and good one, but hey now i've got it!

thanks guys!

blogging again, on a saturday.

saturdays are mostly stay-at-home days. staying at home because my exams are creeping so scaringly near that i am having my usual panic attacks. (cues "don't panic scott!" from lynette and alexis and all folks who calm me down all the time)

staying at home because you are so far away that i can't go out with you. no dates, no movies =( but you're coming back so soon so all's good.

staying at home because home is indeed such a cosy place. i do not like the hustle bustle of town, especially when hustle-bustle includes travelling for one hour. and people that matter happens to be in the west area during school days. and school can sometimes be draining enough to make me want to just sit and home and relax. and talk to you over skype.

i am going out tonight though. with darling jiahui and jeth! they are bringing me to a nice little french place for a quickie. a quickie dinner (all you dirty minds $^@%$!#%!#) i doubt it'll be quick since its french. goodness they take like a gazillion hours to eat lunch! imagine dinner..............................................

dear, i miss you!

trivial things affects me too much. like my grades and how i am almost obsessed with them some times.

trivial things affects me too much. like how i tend to read way too much into things.

trivial things affects me too much. like interpersonal relationships and the web that tangles.

trivial things affects me. are they trivial?

time and time again, i get so overwhelmed by you. the feeling is, for a lack of a better word, overwhelming. and with every passing day, i just miss you more and more. and sometimes a wave of emotion hits and i am swept under.

Lonestar - Amazed

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

Chorus:
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes

#####

on an entirely different news, i am really damn pissed off with our minister raymond lim and the entire sbs transit. seriously they should TAKE the bus for starters before reporting to the world that how many was it, 6 out of 10 feel that the service is good or something like that. i have a problem, because the waiting time for the buses is disgustingly long, the buses are so dirty you can see roaches crawling around. so today i waited like 30mins before two 179 drove past me filled to the brink. the 179 frequency table says 4-7 minute. how the hell is 2 buses in 30min look like 4-7 minute per bus. don't tell me traffic conditions. its from the freaking bus-terminal and the route is TRAFFICLESS.

so i was hot and sweaty and sticky and going to be ugly and i was going to board a cab before the next 179 came along. so i boarded the bus and i saw something which makes me think that not everybody should wear shirt that attempts to have witty comments.

imagine seeing a fat and ugly girl wearing a shirt that says "you don't know me" if was feeling even more irritated and she pisses me off, i would have marched up to her and said "i don't want to know you".

been cooped up at home since soooo long ago. mugging for the exams. i better get my grades!

in other news, i have better anger management!

and my mom and i are talking again. and she knows who my boy is =p and everything is all fine now. the most exciting thing was not even that she was bothered by the fact that i am gay.

she was more bothered about the 'power' issue and the 'who is more important' issue. strange but true. moms. even the gay son don't get to escape the typical "another girl is snatching my son away from me" syndrome.

and i thought so otherwise

charles, sigmund and karl. i've been having long conversations with my dear old friends.

i think sigmund was very disturbed. he had a lot of issues.

marx: "religion is the opiate of the masses"

and so november comes and so does all the exams and to accompanying stress and fattening food and sleepless nights and assorted matters.

what is the most irritating? people who are irritating! like spastic people who will disturb you when your msn says 'away' and then drops a msn message saying hi, then following with a '?', following with a 'you there?', then an 'oei', then a 'hellooo?'. like seriously spastic netizens. if i am on 'away' and i don't reply like after half an hour, isn't it obvious that i am like AWAY maybe?

and then there's the irritating ones that keeps asking 'exams? you are still studying meh?' 'where' 'uni?' 'what's a university'. ok seriously when i say i am studying for exams, probably i AM STUDYING FOR EXAMS, so like bother someone else with the silly questions. ohmygod.

hahaha okok just had to rant on about the silliness of people irritating others on the internet. i have fond stories of how people stalk my dearest jiahui. and many other stories about msn freaks!

i think that msn is a big waste of time. and people do get quite addicted to it. it really causes productivity to suffer. so i say only go on when you need to!

did i mention i love skype? =p

its always a saturday. was it because i left you on a saturday to come back to Singapore alone? but i am never alone am i?

and every so often, i am left speechless. every waking moment to the second i close my mind, its you.

and i never thought possible, never knew it could. and nothing says it better.


Rascal Flatts - God Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
hoping I would find true love along the broken road
but I got lost a time or two wipe my brow kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

every long lost dream,
lead me to where you are
others who broke my heart,
they were like nothern stars,
pointing me on my way into your loving arms
this much I know is true
that god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

(yes he did)

I think about the years I spent
just passing through
I like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
but u just smiled and take my hand
you've been there, you understand
its all part of a grander plan, that is coming true

every long lost dream,
lead me to where you are
others who broke my heart,
they were like nothern stars,
pointing me on my way into your loving arms,
this much I know is true,
that god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

now I'm just rolling on into my lovers arms,
this much I know is true,
that god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

that god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

minutes crawl like hours. every moment agonizing.

cold evening. the rain's pouring. the feeling is creeping all over me. i want to be there. and tell you everything's alright. and i don't have to say a thing but just look into your eyes, and you'll know that i love you.

those who do not learn from the past, will only be condemned by it. we should not be affected by the past but learn from it. i've learnt from my past. the past shouldn't manifest itself in the present. the present should not be haunted by ghosts who don't belong here. who i am now, is something you can see.


Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

and the rain falls, bring grey to black. blur to overcast

first thought. action.

trying hard to study, but i can't concentrate. argh.

be still my heart. be still my mind.

everything is everywhere. all over the place.

i hate it when my past haunts me. i hate it.

every one of us has a past, and at one point, it is less than savoury. but we all our lessons from that, no?

why do i feel so crappy when i know that you don't feel good.

its been the most hectic and mentally and emotionally draining week. no doubt about that. from saturday till today. ohgod. went to chinatown today to get tickets. well, i'm gonna go to melbourne again! yes. hahaha.

long story, way too long to cover it here. but oh well, i am happy now =)

as if i am not freaking depressed and upset already, i had to get back my mid-terms grade of 68%. what the fuck right? 68%! i might as well just go and kill myself. yeah, you heard right 68% like i'm in the 2nd quartile of the cohort! the 2nd quartile.

so what if i top the cohort for psychology. its a freaking 68%. ARGH.

how can i do so badly? ohmygod, if i get a B for my 201, i will just go and jump down my block and die!

FREAK

why do i feel so weird and disoriented?

Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

We are twelve billion light years from the edge
That's a guess
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you

I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar
Just believe everything that I say

There are 6 billion people in the world
More or less
And it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire
Of the love that you give me every night

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die

its the feeling that has never felt before. its that intense rush of emotions that brings one to tears. tears of joy. something that makes the past seems faraway, and far behind. something that brings the future so much closer.

if only there's a word for it.

bliss!

i have never felt this way before, never felt more protective over someone before, never felt so horrible that i could have possibly made someone feel bad.

tried to sleep.

long day ahead.

sometimes, its just not possible to control, no matter how much one fights it. it just happens. and it seems the more conciously one pushes it away, the closer it gets. and suddenly you find yourself so deeply intertwined with someone, and you wonder if fate (or what have you) really exist.

that somehow things happen for a reason.

and that nothing feels the same now, as if its a whole new realm of feelings, of emotions

at KLIA again. well they do have free WIFI here (albeit a bit slow). its a bit early huh?

took the first flight from melbourne out. 0015 to be exact.

melbourne is such a beautiful city and it was certainly the most amazing experience for me, the company was even better =). i had such a great time visiting all the places, just walking around, having coffee, delicious spanish churros with chocolate and even KTV that can match singapore's one anytime, and did i mention the gorgeous jap food or simply the nicest jiao zi cos its cooked with so much TLC (tender loving care)

i can't really say how i feel. its such a bittersweet feeling. bitter cause i have to leave the place and sweet because. just because.

i miss you so much.

how does one exactly put it into words? i am not sure how to say it, or what to say.

melbourne is fantastic! i love it here. its such a gorgeous place! and yep i am happy beyond words. =)

sitting alone at KLIA (that's Kuala Lumpur International Airport for the uninitiated), and it is indeed a interesting feeling to be travelling, rather flying alone. where am i heading? i am on my way to melbourne to visit you know who. and if you don't yet already know who is it, the name's Jem.

and why on earth am i going to such a faraway land, strangely i am wondering myself too. he came over to watch the production and we had the most fabulous weekend together, it was fresh, interesting and unexpected.

photos you say? its a bit hard to upload the photos here. i will be touching down in melbourne in just about 8 and a half hours. really really tired now, well that's cause i didn't sleep at all. and as usual when i don't sleep, my skin looks back and i get dehydrated very easily.

miss you guys and thanks mark jeth and jia for sending me off =p

its been the most amazing extended weekend really. paparazzi was better than expected (well we didn't expect much in the first place since it was all so last minute but we pulled it all together).

and the pleasant surprise turned out to be a whole lot more than a pleasant surprise. it's a crazy weekend with so many things to do, so much time spent with each other.

its still surreal and so much like a dream. it really makes me speechless.

happy.

its amazing what life has planned for you. or maybe life didn't. who's to really say if there's even a plan. but sometimes, things happen and makes you wonder if indeed fate exists and things had to happen in order for the next to happen.

and what's to follow isn't all that bad. in fact it might even be a pleasant surprise. coated with honey and just about 3776 miles away.

you know that this might be the start of something extremely precious when the surprise flies 3776 miles just to see you, and you fly 3776 miles just to see him.

ah.

i realised how much you meant to me when i knew how much i hurt you, and how much i was hurt thinking about how you must have been worried.

today was somewhat like the first time, i prepared myself to go to town and shop alone. i used to really hate the feeling. i've always hated being alone. till this day, i have never watched a movie alone. other than the occasional groceries shopping and errands running nearby, i absolutely hate doing things by myself.

the first time i explored an area by myself, was in san fran. and it was such an interesting experience. so interesting that i decided to walk around town today. over and on top of the fact that i had to run some errands in town.

so off i went, and i shopped and walked and went all over. and it was such fun. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. it also made me realised certain things. i've made peace with myself. i've come to terms with the past.

maybe you are right. maybe a break-up isn't all bad. if all we want is to be happy, why are we so unhappy together. life is so unexpected, and i suppose that's what makes life so interesting, because we never know what's going to happen.

what the future may bring, i am anticipating. memories, no longer bring pain, but nostalgia knowing that we've spend such great times together. the best times of my life were spent with you. but those are in the past. i won't get anywhere if i keep getting stuck in the past that will never be my future.

i've been happy. at times conflicting emotions. but mostly, i've been happy. at worse i feel melancholy. and its amazing really how i manage to pull through. i never thought i would survived, i never even thought i would feel better. but i did somehow.

love is not something that jus happens at the laundromat. what happens at the laundromat (or public buses if you must) is an infatuation. love is something that happens over time, as you get to know the person better, after all the good points fade away, after all the sweetness fade away. it happens when you quarrel and make up. it happens when you realized all the person's bad points. it happens when you spend time apart.

and through everything, when you learnt that you still accept the person for who he is, you understand the person through and through and love the good, the bad, the good times, the bad times, the quarrels, the happy memories. that is love.

its amazing really. the sky won't always be grey, its true.

life's been better. i'm smiling more, and i'm happier these days.

thanks you folks!

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

=)

#####

sometimes a person actions can cause a lot more hurt to more people than they think it does. sometimes at the end of the day, all parties are hurt.

letting go, moving on. thank you for being there. thank you for making me smile.

someone told me that i was really strong and brave. that i could still face you and talk to you. and yes i think i am really strong to be able to do this. to be able to talk to you about you new bf, to be able to be a good friend of yours. but i wish that i could be strong every single day, every single moment.

because there are just sometimes, it gets too much to bear. just sometimes, i fall apart. i don't even feel angry at you. i just feel regret, just feel a overwhelming sense of loss.

but there's nothing left to do? no? when you look at me at tell me that you're sorry, there's nothing that you can now, really what do you expect me to say? can i really say what i feel? of course i'll say i know, its ok. how can i ever say that there's plenty of things you can do. there's never nothing that you can do.

and what am i suppose to do? i hear you call out to me every so often. but even if i pull you, you don't want to be pulled, and you're stuck what can i do?

i have really lost all my faith, if something can end, what's the point of beginning in the first place. i am scared to even think of knowing people. so much fears, so much insecurity. and at the end of the day, i don't want anybody to get hurt. cause it sucks. the feeling really sucks.

time will tell you say?

i am so scared. so scared. so so scared. why the sudden emotion after 4 days of being happy? i don't know, i really don't know. maybe because i know somehow that the next time i see you would be a long time away? or is that i am preparing myself to let go?

why are you still chasing, when everything and everyone's so fake, when no one really cares. and there's one person who really does, whom you can tell everything, whom you can let all your emotions out.

happiness, something that we had, something that seems so far away.

Jem, thanks for making me happy last night, i haven't felt that way in such a long time. really thanks.

i don't know what to say or what to type. you take care of yourself.

for some inexplicable reason, i felt really happy today. i felt light and ready to move. i supposed i finally let go and moved on. it was so strange, as i walked away from the void deck, i didn't feel that familiar tinge of sadness, i wasn't even hurt. i felt nothing much. it was more of a 'yeah we used to walk this stretch of road together but oh well' and that's it.

i think at the end of the day, i am just happy for him, and knowing that he cares is really more than enough. and really i am fine. i am really happy. for once, i am happy. and colin, my dearest dearest buddy who's stood by me every step of the way, said 2 days ago that the [k] he knew was finally back. (in response to my usual harsh sms)

and i guess he's right. i feel that i am coming back. i am happy and cheery for real, and not hiding behind my mask.

this doesn't change a few things though.

so many people to thank, i don't even know where to start. you know who you guys are and thanks for being there for me. and jem, thanks for making my day.

finally. i am back!

day 2 of my brand new me campaign! and i can feel it working. the day just passed by like that. its difficult but i'm good. it won't be that fast but slowly and surely i will get out of this rug.

there are moments of missing, but i don't cry over it anymore. its just missing. and when i was reading all old messages u sent me, i didn't tear. it just brought about memories, and a tinge, just a little tinge of heartache. what an improvement!

day by day, one day at a time, i will make myself and my life better.

but somethings will never change, like my love for you.

did i tell you about this absolutely cutie pie i saw this morning........hahaha!

and so i decided that a brand new day would bring about a brand new me. i can't go on feeling depressed and be stuck. and so i am moving forward in my life, facing the pain. i promised you that i would be happy, that for your sake i will be happy. and i will try. it is not easy, but i will.

thanks for still caring for me, thanks for keeping me in that tiny corner of your heart still.

all you said, i remember. all that i said, i hope you remember too. you know how i feel for you.

i just watched oprah. for the first time, on channel 5. and somehow everything that she said just resonated in my heart. there's no way out of the pain but to walk through it. there's no shortcut, no formula, nothing. one has to survive it and walk out of it.

the show was about this woman who's life was blown to pieces after her husband died in the 9/11 attack. and somehow i'm feeling. isn't death a better resolution. isn't death finality. at least he is not coming back anymore. the end. dealing with death seems to be so much easier. there's nothing else to hope, nothing else to imagine. there's nothing. and isn't emptiness simply the best.

yes he left. and what exactly do you do when the person is still around but not really around anymore. if one left because of death, the i suppose it would be so much easier to handle. after the grieve, we move on. maybe it takes awhile, but we move on. but when one leaves cause of circumstances, especially at the parting moment, we still love each other. how does one deal with that. and how does one deal with a change of heart less than one month after parting.

kathryn (the women in the show) said that her husband's last words to her were "i love you, take care of the kids". and isn't that enough to survive on. because you know that the end, right before he died, he loves you. and he took the love to his grave. to eternity.

and so i sat there in front of the TV, waiting to find out how does the psychologist recommend moving on. oprah said she really respects kathryn for being able to do things normally. soul's hurt but at least life routine's move on. my life routine is moving on too. i wake up every morning and draw my curtains to let light in, like alwyn said i should. i remember the 1st few weeks i would just rot in bed, i would refuse to wake up and keep crying and hoping.

i refused to let life routine continue, i refuse to meet my friends. i didn't even eat or sleep. it took me a month to snap out of that but i did. now i even go to school and take notes in lecture.

and oprah and the psychologist said that while that's good that everything is done right, the soul is still hurt. and it takes a lot more for the soul to heal. i forced myself to hide all my grieve from everyone for the past 3 weeks and i couldn't take it anymore, and i shouldn't hide it. i should just continue to grieve and walk through the pain.

maybe someday you'll be back. maybe you'll never come back at all. i think i have said enough to you. "dear i really love you alot. thanks for all." you said that to me the 1st time we parted and now i am returning it to you. i really do love you. thanks for all.

there's no shortcut, there's no formula. i can only walk through the pain, and surrounding myself with people who would let me talk about, not my anger, but my pain. and one day i will walk through it.

all i ever wanted, was to spend my lifetime loving you.

i hate this place. i can't make myself feel better. i want to leave this place for good. away from everything. every single day, i appear to be strong, and maybe i am slowly getting stronger. but the stronger i get, the more i miss you. and the more i wonder why do i do all that i do anymore.

i used to work so hard to fulfill our goals and our dreams. and what has that amounted to. i just want to get away. go somewhere else where i don't know a single shit and start my life there. because my life here has unexpectedly ended. i feel so lonely. so lonely. so lonely.

there are so many things friends can do. i appreciate every single thing that you guys have done. but there are some void that no one can replace.

i told myself, one day at a time, i can make my life better. i told my bestie, one day at a time, he can make his life better. and he did. he is feeling so much better already. and what about me? yeah yeah, on the surface everything's great! wooohooo, i love my trip. but deep inside i feel like fuck

why isn't all this a fucking nightmare that i can wake up from

i told myself, i can't cry anymore, and i didn't cry for 2 weeks. then things happened. and i am not even sure of anything. i thought u cared for me, do you? or i am just being delusional.

letting go. letting go. letting go. letting go.

there's so many things that we haven't done. we haven't even seen the world together. so many things. what am i do to do? what am i to do? with all the memories, with all the hopes with all the emotions. they were so rudely returned to me just like that.

WEAKLING.

i have no idea what is happening to me. how is that i can do this to myself for so long, i cannot believe that i haven't stopped thinking about you. since the first day i met you, you were the 1st thing on my mind when i wake up, you are the last thing on my mind before i slept. after we have broken up, i still think about you. every single day.

this cycle, this never ending cycle.

i am so tired of everything. i don't want to know someone else. i don't want to go through all the drama, and start everything with someone else. the notion just makes me sick.

is having a hope better than no hope? is false hope better than no hope? what is life without hope? why do we live if we all don't hope a better day?

i don't know what to do. someone please tell me what to do. being stuck in a moment for too long. for way too long.

come back to me please. i love you. i'll make it all up to you.


Kimberley Locke - Without You

Never even thought to cry
When I heard you say goodbye
Never said where you were going

And theres no laughter in the air
Only silence everywhere
And so much left unspoken

Since you've been gone
I haven't been the same
I wish that I could see
Who's to blame

Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
And no love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am i supposed to live my life?
Without you

oooooo
Was in lost in you and ne
To the point I couldn't see
That what we had was dying

Now it's all that I can do
To see photographs of you
And stop myself from crying

I should learn to live without your love
Got so many memories
But it's not enough

Without you, where do i belong?
Without you, how can i go on?
And no love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life
Without you?

I feel helpless and oh so alone
Like I never felt before
You made feel alive
I don't remember what it's like anymore

Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
No love, no love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life, without you?
Without you, where do I belong? (where do I belong?)
Without you, how can I go on?
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life,
Without you?
Oh baby, where do I belong? (without you)
Please tell me how can I go on?

i am finally back from the states. long flight and and even longer journey. and what a trip it has been. its been a fun filled trip, together with plenty of emotions and plenty of learning.

i guess i learned a lot about life during this trip. the awe-inspiring grand canyon, the beauty of sedona. the grandeur of mother nature had a very humbling effect on me. and life just felt so perfect.

along the way, met many homeless people begging for money. and it just struck a chord that its good to be alive and there's hope and family. its really cold at night out there, and they sleep out in the streets waiting for another day to pass. to me, its desperation and if i had nothing to live for, why for am i still living. but they live on, day by day. and through them, i found strength.

and all this life lessons only make me love you more.

today would have been our 2.5 year anniversary. sorry i failed us.


五月天 - 我们 (时时刻刻)

我为何要存在
为何要感慨为
何颤抖停不下来
你为何要推翻
为何要离开
为何给我这个答案

我们曾经那么精采
我们曾经那么期待
最后你把回忆还我
要我好好过

你话中的计算
准确的伤害
像精心打造的对白
我划开了动脉
也许不醒来
至少昨天无法毁坏

我们曾经那么精采
我们曾经那么期待
最后你把回忆还我
要我好好过

我们最后这么遗憾
我们最后这么无关
时时刻刻每个现在都在嘲笑我

sitting alone in union square, after exploring the northern area of san fran by myself. you are right. indeed being overseas is such a lonely thing. but these days, i enjoy being lonely. loneliness seems to be my best companion.

san fran, such an amazing city. but the way fate plays trick on us, i might not get to see you after all.

i guess, i really don't know what to feel about you. its barely a month and you got attached. we had a 2.5 year relationship and you just left, like that. you were so upset deep inside and you bared it all to me that day, why suddenly, you changed so much that none of your friends know you anymore.

i've been depressed for 7 weeks, and finally the past 2 weeks have been ok. and now the shock comes again, a reality check. what am i suppose to do? what am i suppose to do with all these memories, with all my love for you? its not that i can't move on. but seriously, what do you want me to do with all these years of bond, of love, of life.

i hate it you know. i hate how you could move on so quickly. i hate how you got over me. i hate that you are already attached to someone else, i hate it that i can never hold you again, i hate it that everything he whispers in your eyes are what i want to say to you. and most of all, i hate it that i don't hate you, not the slightest bit, not even at all.

you made me so happy. then you made me so confused. sigh.

i don't know what to think, or don't know what to do. i miss you so much. i miss you everyday, and everyday i love you more. i brought the old nokia to US, to get a US line, and i accidentally read your old messages to me. they meant so much. you loved me so so much. what happened. do you not love me anymore?

i just want to spend my life with you, taking trips every year. be happy. and now, all i can think of is just the memories of us. and maybe sometime in the future we could be together, and we could go overseas to the grand canyon. i can show you the place. i have been driving around another area called sedona, and all i think of is you.

but everything moves on. i enjoy myself. i enjoyed myself tremendously, its a beautiful place. its so gorgeous over here in grand canyon and sedona. and i just think of you inside.

why must all of this happen to me. can't i ever get my happy ending. i thought you were the one i would spend my life with. are you still the one. i hope i can still love you.

thanks for still caring.