hey guys, this is going to be long, but if u do have the time, please take a look at it yarz? actually nobody reading this is homophobic, but just in case u are. anyway the following article is taken off www.fridae.com

The word homophobia was coined by psychologist George Weinberg in the late 1960s. Weinberg observed that many straight people at that time had a deep seated aversion to homosexual people, one that was irrational, and evidence of emotional or psychological flaws, as he explained in a recent interview on GayToday. (See bottom of page 3 for link to interview).

I realized that something else was going on � more than simple mis-education. This was some deep emotional misgiving these people had, some phobic dread. It seemed to me the problem was theirs, not the homosexual's. I knew a landlord who had two lesbians living on the 5th floor of his brownstone and he couldn't sleep at night at the thought they were up there making love, and obviously the problem was his, not theirs.

Today, though, the word homophobia has been thoroughly absorbed by gay rights and gay community rhetoric, and has come to have a far broader meaning. For example, when a friend of mine was unsuccessful in a recent job interview, he blamed the interviewer for being homophobic. Another time, when the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade was lashed by torrential rain, I overheard a spectator lament that God and/or Mother Nature were obviously feeling homophobic that day.

On a more serious note, though, a couple of gay murder trials in Sydney over the past few years have gone in the guilty defendants� favour when judges have sympathised with the �irrational response� (that is, hacking people limb from limb with a blunt knife after bashing them to death with a stone) generated by unwelcome homosexual advances.

Homophobia exists, but like a lot of buzzwords, seems to get over used by anyone and everyone � straight or gay, casual or official - who wants a quick, generally accepted excuse for anything.

Real homophobia � the kind described by Weinberg before most of us were born � is hard to get around, and it can be dangerous. We�re all familiar with the basic assumption that a great many people have that gay people are a little �less� than straight people. Even if they don�t have a strong sense of hatred that is expressed in moments of fatal violence, a big chunk of the general population consider all things gay to be totally left-of-centre, and something that�s able to be �tolerated�, but not much more.

Even in sophisticated, culturally progressive Western Europe, marriage and insurance rights for gay couples are brand new, and received with a schizo-mix of relief and scepticism. In Australia, the afore-mentioned Mardi Gras is a hugely popular, out in the open money-spinner, but equal civil rights for gays are still in the �developmental� stage. Gay culture has yet to establish a stable position within mainstream society � so it remains on the fringe � a suspicious, misunderstood thing.

As a result, around the world, homophobia is institutionalised � endorsed by governments, the education system, and the mainstream media. It creates an endless and impenetrable cycle of misinformation and �bad press�, that gives people a badly biased view of a lifestyle they have otherwise little contact with, and at the same time denies them any access to imagery or information that may balance out their points of view

For example, when Bangkok�s Babylon sauna was raided in December, armed soldiers, acting on behalf of the government�s new, fabulously named Ministry of Social and Moral Order, entered the premises accompanied by television news crews. When Thais sat down to that night�s TV news, they were shown how committed their elected leaders, who they trust know about these things, were to cleaning out Thai society from the bottom up.

Never mind that across town in Patpong, straight pimps drive their houses of prostitutes with iron fists, exploitation and unsafe sex, while the Babylon is an opulent sauna, with no organised prostitution, but plenty of condoms and positive information, present. Walk down Silom Road, the main road that feeds the Patpong district, and you get offered girls and drugs every other step. Go into the gay bars, and you do so of your own volition � no one drags you there, and once you are there, all the patrons kind of mind their own business. Nothing was mentioned about this contradiction on the news that night. Around the country, grandparents watching have their homophobic views confirmed, while children looking on have their first exposure to homosexuality, and it�s negative and scandalous. If the police need to be called, and if the national media cover the event unblinkingly, who at home can argue with the serious need to bust the Babylon?

I was present at Babylon on the night of the raid, and at the time the Social and Moral army arrived, I was having a lemonade and a quiet conversation with a German airline executive by the landscaped, chlorinated pool. A couple of other people were there, sunbaking and chatting. A previous raid the week before had closed the upstairs cruising section, but even before that, Babylon never struck me as being a cesspool of vice and drugs, on the contrary, it resembles a five star Koh Samui resort for gays. If you�ve ever been to a Club Med, you�ve seen the rampant cruising and one night stands that go on amongst the heterosexual guests at �places like that�. Babylon isn�t much different, except that instead of Club Med�s limbo contests, it has a pianist and a jazz singer in the coffee lounge, and plays movies like Before Night Falls instead of Star Wars: Episode II. Nevertheless, everyone at Babylon that afternoon was rounded up and made to give a � urine sample!

It�s not being overly dramatic to compare this to fascist Europe before and during the Second World War � the process is, fundamentally, the same. Continue to drive home the message that a certain group of society needs to be monitored for their subservience, deviance and threat to the good of the nation, and the bulk of the population will believe that group is really like that. Worse, that group will itself start to fray at the edges, unsettled by its poor treatment, lack of welcome, and collective self-doubt. This is what institutionalised homophobia is � an established and at times unnoticed deep-seated prejudice that has a staggeringly negative effect.

Why am I lined up and made to provide a urine sample? I�ve never done that before, except at the doctors, where I�ve paid for a voluntary examination. Do they urine test the thousands of johns fucking their way through a hundred girls a week in Patpong? (Just in case you�re wondering - no, they don�t.)

And this is where things, in my opinion, start to get nasty, with gay people themselves believing, from the earliest age, that they deserve this kind of disproportionate official treatment. I mean, when I go home for Christmas, and I sit around the dinner table with my family, I know that my straight brother has never been busted at a sauna and made to give a urine sample, and that people don�t stare at him like a freak when he shows affection to his date in a public place. It�s not that I feel like I don�t have a place at the dinner table, but I do classify myself as a more sexually suspect person � my sexuality is more significant in my life than my brother�s is in his, and for all the wrong reasons.

Whether I like it or not, and whether my sex life is more ribald and active than his (it is, by far, I must admit), people think of me, and other gay and lesbian people, as more �sexual� people than others. In turn, I expect � or maybe I�m just used to it - to be treated with moral suspicion, or negative attention. So when they come for the urine sample at the sauna, I don�t kick up a storm and become outraged, as much as I roll my eyes and think, �this is kind of interesting�, and share a giggle with the gay guy lined up next to me, knowing what a story it�ll make for my friends back home.

This kind of understated reaction doesn�t have to be a problem, but at its worst, can turn into the dreaded �internalised homophobia�, where gays and lesbians doubt their own worth, and live with the assumption that their sexuality places them at a dubious moral and social place. Does internalised homophobia exist, and if it does, how many of us suffer from this kind of lower self worth, without, often, even realising it?

If you work a meaningless job through the week then party all weekend on drugs (and sometimes have unsafe sex with a bunch of strangers), a lifestyle familiar to many gays and lesbians, is this just cool city living, or evidence that your expectations of yourself and your life are pretty low? If you end up in lousy relationships all the time, or never end up in a long-term relationship at all, scuttling most opportunities of monogamy and permanent partnership that come your way, is this evidence of your carefree, independent ways, or are you convinced on some subconscious level that you don�t deserve a partner, or that no partner in their right mind would want you? How do you have a successful partnership anyway, when the law prevents you from marrying, and social mores prevent you from showing affection in public? You end up with a �lover� not a spouse, and you can only show affection behind closed doors, where it won�t offend anyone.

However, plenty of straight people have low self-esteem, and train wreck lives, and they don�t � can�t � blame it all on homophobia. Neither, in my opinion, can gays and lesbians. There are other influences at work, and we all need to take responsibility for our adult selves, and see how we are implicated in our own fortune/misfortune. Institutionalised homophobia is a dangerous pain in the ass, but fighting for respect is only successful when you believe you really, really deserve it, not when you know you can invoke �homophobia� as the devil behind every problem. When you do that, you do the same as the Ministry of Social and Moral Order, simplifying an idea, and creating a demon out of nothing, and that doesn�t get anybody anywhere.

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well what a long article. but still it kinda reminds me that homophobia still exist, and that not alot of people are open to the idea. i mean i am rather affectionate to mel in public. but it is nothing amazingly open, just you know hug him or just put my arm round his shoulders. such a simple gesture would still lead to people talking behind us and giving us looks. i mean get over it, good friends do that too. but argh too tired to type out in details. laterz

wow!, its been quite sometime since i last blogged. in fact its been quite sometime since i did anything. i have been bumming around aimlessly. well can't really blame me since i am going to be in the army soon. like about slightly more than a week away. nothing big happened anyway just that i have pretty much decided to take up wicca, well not exactly take up wicca cos that is a religion, but it is not the same as taking up witchcraft either, cos witchcraft is the old religion; and wicca is like the new revised version to make practising it much safer for people in our generation. but not much people here know or would want to bothered by what i am talking about anyway.

the poor woman that died in the mrt accident, she was a teacher in mel's school. it came as a rather shocking news to me, cos i have been pretty much cooped up in orchard and hougang and nowhere near any newspaper. i speculate she must have been pushed down by the crowd. just like how i wouldn't surprise if someone get ran over by the mrt at jurong east. the crowd is just insane. they push and shove around like if they are the first to get into the train, they get a free chocalate. its such a mad rush. and just a couple of days back, i just lost my temper and screamed at the mass of minions, zerglings, whatever; and told them to get the F*** off and let us GET OUT OF THE DAMN TRAIN. they behave like there's gold in the train. i had to kick this idiot away. argh!!!! DISGUSTING SINGAPOREANS!!!!!!!!!!

my heart just shattered into pieces when i saw him yesterday. that silly boy went to cut himself because of me. becausee i did it. my god. he didn't just slash himself with my swissarmy blade (i thought he confiscated it for my own good), he took a pen knife and did multiple slashes at the same spot. i just wanted to scold him, but i realised i should be scolding myself instead. argh.. heartache! then we hung around for awhile before i had to leave with mommy for this workshop. at the station, he kinda put both his arms around my shoulder, and i was so tempted to hold his waist, but i didn't. anyhow, that got quite a number of stares. apparently there was this 2 girls who were quite amused. just wondering how open are people to the notion of homosexuality. i know that people of my/our generation are quite open about it, but just wondering what are going through people's mind when they see me and mel together. ladida.. got a date laterz going off liaoz...

jewel - break me
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns
Like any rose
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
With with the sharp end
Of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
That could save me
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Kiss me once
Or maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
So break me
Take me
Let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Just let me
Feel your love again

you tell me that i think too much. but can i not think? do you want really want me to have no expression and just go "ok". i am only human. if i am not the slightest bit bothered, then you should be very worried. because i am bothered it shows that i love you my dear. i think because i care.

i am so tired now. but i don't think i can fall asleep. i am so afraid where my mind will bring me when i sleep. already the conscious mind is showing me things and bringing me places i don't want to see, don't want to know. in there, i see myself sitting down and watch my heart bleed to death, watch my soul drained by the tears. and i'm fallen and nobody is there to pick me up and catch me as i fall. and now i'm lying in my own pool of blood slowly losing my breath and all you can say is that you're bored and you need to sleep. but i don't want you to sleep. i want to talk. in a relationship, there must be communication. it is one of the important things that sustain a relationship. i don't want to sweep things under the carpet because i know that it will come back, someday. and my mind now is in a complete blank, and my heart is now dry, void of everything. and i'm lying here, dazed, not knowing what to do. would you just walk by and say something other than that? would you just hold my hands and talk to me? would you lift me away from here into the eternity where we belong? please....

i am so happy with my current position with him now, i hope we stay like this for a very long time. things are so lovely, sweet, stable and absolutely beautiful. there are quite a few things that he did and i just feel so loved all over again. i am so glad that i've gotten over that relationship and moved on. though that may be so, sometimes, in fact most of the time, i think too much for my own good. as much as i am so happy now, i feel very upset. the thought of his past, stabs like a knife. its so painful to imagine, or even to make sense of it. it is something that i can't accept it, cos it hurts him deep inside. and i know that if i could, i would go back in time and kill those people, that person particularly. i would not let anybody hurt him. i like to think that i would protect him violently, if needed. and in my mind, he's lying there: drunk, helpless, vulnerable, defenseless. against that person that would slowly but surely hurt him. and if i had to chance, i would walk straight into that room, give it all i've got and fight that guy. then i would drag him out that place, and bring him back.but i can't change the past. it has already happened. i've learned to not bother about the past because it is not the same mel then. he has changed alot and i am eternally thankful for that. but some people don't understand. i am not upset cos of that. its the whole notion of the lack of self-love and the entire issue of how hurt he got by others. its the latter that i really can't stand. and i can feel my rage and fury rising inside me as i type this. but i know it is only because i love him that it happens. as gross/disgusting/mushy as that may sound, its true. so if anybody can't stand it, don't read.

i wanna love you forever

its been quite awhile since i last updated. been busy and away. there was a chalet and some stayovers and plenty of fun. and i'm finally sitting in front of my comp for the first time in 2003 with my tomyam noodles sitting on the chair. HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS. 2002 was quite a year: i had more than enough trouble with the discipline mistress cause she was mentally unstable, SCHOOL'S OUT, met baobei early this year and got with baobei finally on my birthday. ahhh.....

spent 7 days and night with mel, not a single moment was spent apart, serious! and today i saw him again, nothing can describe how happy i was yesterday and today, especially at 5.15am today. hehehe. then i went to F's place to see mel. actually i was hopin to catch mel asleep, so that the first person he sees when he opens his eyes is me. but i caught him abit to late, he was just slowly awaking when i arrive. you know after the initial blurness when one wakes up, and then falls back asleep again then waking up? yep that's when i arrived. he was soo happy to see me, and i just missed him soo much i went and hugged him so so tight. spent the rest of the day together and i think we are not really bothered by anything anymore. as in, he slept on my laps and shoulders while on the mrt cos he was very tired. i hugged him that way (not the friendly way) in the middle of orchard and he kissed me goodbye at the bus-stop. ah i feel like i'm in heaven..

but still i cut myself 2 nights ago because i thought too much, about his past, about the incident that sparked of the trust issue, about us, about the future and i just lost it. i just took my BRAND NEW blade and slashed the wrist, and as the blood was slowly oozing out, the tears fell like the rain. it was beating down on my wrist and washing the ruby red blood off. pain. devastion. release. but today he saw my wrist. and i didn't want him to see, but he did. i tried to wriggle away, but he pinned me down. i don't want to see him, i don't him to see my wounds. but there i was lying on the floor, feeling so naked, so vulnerable. and as he slowly twist my arms around, i cried. he just held me so tight, and he didn't let me go. he scolded me, and said that i was so silly for thinking so much things that don't matter. i suppose he was right. and later he made me promise not to do it ever again. no one has ever done that, and i would want to stop it for him. but what if, what if i'm hurt by him again??

we'll last forever

i would have had soo much to type, but there's so much to be said, of which so much can't be said, or typed, whatever. i don't feel like i'm up to it to even explain to the world. trust is so important, it can never be overrated. in a relationship trust HAS to exist and it has to be the number one thing. and when trust is lost, it takes a lot to find it back, and it never comes back fully. something will be missing. you can love someone so much that you can even forgive the gravest mistake, but sometimes, you can't trust the person. and it hurts so bad when it happens, knowing that you love someone but you can't trust that someone. forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge the future. but what comes after forgiveness? do we forget after we forgive? do we bury the hatchet? do we just shove it aside?

and i wonder if i can fall asleep tonight.

sometimes people just get sooo sick of correcting you. KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. that came from george orwell. simple words and expression aren't too shabby for a great author, so come on my friend, use them!! STOP the four, five syllable words already, and you use it all wrong - WRONG CONTEXT!! lets not even talk about your expression. urgh.

anyhow FLO n ZACH won the amazing race. WTH right? i mean flo the ultimate bitch. i mean did you guys catch the show. she's like doing the most work: zach carries her bag, zach does all the road block, and that she's ever done is complain that "i can't do it!" "its like impossible" "you know i can't do it" "no you do it zach" WOW....... she sooo deserves to win. thank god zach didn't get on with her or something. if i were zach i would have screwed her upside down and cut her up to pieces already. i think they won cos zach is soooo patient and sooo incredibly nice.

too much to say about my first month, but not in the correct state of mind to put it all down in words now. just that it was truly an amazing evening, and the night after was even more amazing!!!

anyhow forget to mention that prom king of hcjc is gay.. and my god, i thought no one knew. but my first 3 months classmate who is in vjc now knows that long ago.. god

i don't know if any of you guys read the ZaoBao. but if you do, you might have remembered a shocking article written by a hwachongian on, well surprise surprise, gay issues. to put it more accurately, it is about friendship and love. here (http://www.geocities.com/edgartanch/friendsforever1.html) is the translated version of it. what i've got to say is that it is so true. something similar happened to me... well do check it out yar.

i've often associate different people with different songs. its like somehow there would be songs that reminds me of people close to me. for some strange reasons, most of the songs are by savage garden. it just kinda dawned upon me that music plays such a big part in my life, my friends life. music brings people together. and, well, arouse such strong emotions.

actually all this rambling is because i heard the savage garden songs and my past just crept back. reading the article above didn't help much. i feel so wierd. i mean i am happily attached and all (tmr's one month anniversary... ooh more on that later) but somehow the feelings don't disappear. like i've said it before, they hide in some corner and crawl out when you least expect them to. and now i wonder what went wrong? i mean we had something. it was more than friends, it was so much more. its been 2 years, won't you talk to me again? what if i told you i did that cos i loved you? what if we've talked instead of argued? what if?

but nothing's gonna change now. its over and done. i'm not talking to any of them. i would really love to call V up and apologise and ask for forgiveness, but i can't do that.

anyhow, tmr is our one month anniversary. what is it you said, one month is very short? well that's because u are straight dumbo. in a gay relationship, anything that last for more than a year is as rare as green pandas. well maybe not but you get the picture. anyhow i think one month is very special as it signifies the beginning of something long lasting, so it would celebrated in elaborate fashion.... well the original plan was an isolated beach with tons of sparkles and associated lights with mat and finger food and little details which you don't really wanna know, or should know. but then all the problems start setting in like the whether, the availability of a location, the lack of time... so i think i m savin that for another time. there's another grander plan though, something which i would not say now. maybe after it has been done yepyep. ok am very sick now, so going off to rest. tata

i'm back! yep where did i disapper to?? perth!! to do what?? visit the airforce school there so that i can get introduced to all the cute pilots. no lahz not that shallow. it was a sorta incentive trip to show us the good side or airforce and to clear any of our doubs about it. its a great place, the cadets are treated as humans, i mean, there's individual bedrooms, a tv room, a toilet with DOORS!, kitchen, heater, internet acess, all in one block! yesh and in the OMA, there's a wide screen tv with CABLE!, pool tables, table tennis, a bar with CHEAP beer... i mean what more can a trainee ask for?? but i got to see the bad side too. the stressful lifestyle, and i saw a guy getting "chopped" from the airforce. sigh.... but i am still going to join the airforce, cos flying is what i love...

something really wierd happened today. i was out with mel and we went to the bday party of this girl. and i saw my EX, ohmygod, you can't even begin to imagine how wierd it was. i was feeling so awkward, i'm with mel now and my ex is standin there. mel knows and he was enjoying the scene of how angry my ex must have felt.. but well.. its been so long and i've put it all behind. he hasn't : you know, you don't have to go and tell anybody anything.. i don't know any of them, what's the point of putting the blame on my, does it make you so happy to accuse me? yeah i stole the limelight again.. i always do, just because you are not the centre of attention whenever i'm around and that no girls fawn over u and ask you for ur number doesn't mean u have to do that. i'm fine, its over. there's no use in me explainin myself to them, cos most prob they don;t even wanna know. and if u really want to know what they think... ur plan failed - you almost made me cry but i didn't - to them u appear to be sooooo narrow hearted, so petty and they thought u were lying. i love him now and that's it ok. i don't want you back. not now, not ever.....

I MET JAY CHOU TODAY!!!! yes i did.. i met him at power tools, hereen in the evening. WOW it was soooo amazing. i was walking past this guy then i thought he was cute so i looked at that guy, at the same time he turned around and i saw his eyes and i went "that guy is jay chou". after some discussion and grabbing a few girl-friends of YW, we decided to ask him. so i went forward and asked if he was jay, turns out that HE IS!!!!, we asked for a photo, but the stupid manager refused and pushed us away (not violently but as a gesture) saying that he is here to shop and not work, i asked again saying its just A photo, then jay was like going to give in, trying to say ok lahz.. but the manager was rather insistent, so they kinda went off, then jay turned around and gave me the "i'm sorry, the manager doesn't allow" look, and he nodded at me, i was like just smiling back.. MAN i tell you, my heart just kept beating insanely.. i couldn't breathe for a moment. i understand he's just a human too, but he's jay..... not very tall, about 173, good built, not fantastic but goooood. decent fashion sense, small eyes , could use some shaving....

then after that the bunch of girl-friends of YW went off to sentosa, and they msg YW that they all think that i am very handsome.. hahahahahhaah.. a great day overall went all around town taking many pictures.. maybe share some here?? we'll see about that. but now i stink so i've gotta go bathe

you never really get over somebody, it just stays somewhere inside. sometimes that person stays so well hidden that the feeling just dies, but somehow that person just pops out and everything just spins out of control. i hate the person, yes i hate. but as much as i hate, i have never reconciled with anything. it was something that was left hanging, then buried. and then you said something, something that echoes in my head, and it starts spinning and spinning. and i don't feel alright.

i feel so old, was out with my sister and we walked half the day and i ended up with a backache. well there was someone offering me a backrub hahaha... anyhow i think my back is failing me. do you guys know, i do not have a straight spine - its kinda bent in a s shape, yes i am not straight but it doesn't mean anything.. anyway so i think it is because of that problem (i think it is called mild skelosis or something like that) that i am having backaches... yeah.. gotta go now.. update more tmr.

this is going to be a long post, bear with it.

i've finally finished my exams, 12 years of studying just for this day, and its over. just like that, within a span of 10 days. the feeling is just wierd. i don't even know how to begin describing it but it didn't feel particularly good that it was over, just a sense of relieve, like a burden off my shoulder. initially i was exhilarated, but i swear the end of a's is nothing like it is made out ot be. you tend to feel a lot more tired and you would prefer to sleep than to go out and havok all night.

i caught ghost ship by the way, and it is so LAME, please don't catch it. i am not going to do a lengthy discussion of the film just that "the management would be really unhappy" is sooooo LAME!

i turned 18 over the weekend, sunday to be exact. well it was really funny spending it mostly on my geography. hahah but it was a great birthday. lets see, raydance baked me some cookies - they were quite nice considering a person who can't even cut mushroom baked it. oops. no really they were good, thx raydance. j bought for me a super expensive cd, i never expected him to buy it, but he got it still, was really touched. my sis got me a cd too, one full of cute guys - my mvp valentine soundtrack. my parents are getting a new guitar amp which is alot more powerful than my existing one, so now i can introduce guns and roses and x japan to my entire neighbourhood!!!! i got meself a cd too, the iron maidens greatest collection. some guys shared money and got me a really lovely guitar book. all in all, a great birthday, not to mention the little surprise i got outside my house....

from www.fridae.com try to read it, its nice and makes plenty of sense, but skip it if u must.
Just the other night, I was spending some quality time with my computer, engaging in a little p2p file sharing. Then it happened. A message from another user popped up on my screen screaming: �Faggot!� Mortified that I�ve been outed in Cyberia so unceremoniously, I confronted my intruder on his claim. The following is a transcript of our intellectual exchange:

Me: do i know u?
Him: no but i know u r gay.
Me: what makes u so sure?
Him: oh please, look at your mp3 collection... Madonna, Kylie, Gloria Gaynor... how obvious can u get? u might as download some Barbara Streisand songs to make your gay collection complete!
Me: that�s it? u think i�m gay becoz of the music i listen to?
Him: u gays are all the same�you listen to the same shit... faggot!
Me: did something crawl up your ass n died? get out of my face you bigot!
Him: freak!�
Me: fascist!
Him: cock sucker!
Me: asshole!
Him: homo!

I got disconnected just as I was typing my retort. Maybe somewhere my fairy god daddy cannot bear to see me stoop to my verbal assailant�s level and intervened before I sank even lower. When I went back online, he was nowhere to be found and I never heard from him since.

Fuming, I reached for my cyber-fiend voodoo doll (pins and other accessories each sold separately). While pushing in the third diamante pin on the spot marked explosive hemorrhoids, I cannot help but agree with my online nemesis. Gay people to a certain extent do listen to the same kind of music. While I dare not profess myself to be a gay music expert (my fellow Fridae scribe Ms Scary has that dubious honor), I shall in my capacity attempt to give a brief rundown on what is commonly labeled as gay music

Like any other subculture, we have our own set of social conduct, lingo and of course, embrace a certain kind of music. Just go to any gay club and listen to the kind of music that gets our booties shaking and you�ll know what I�m talking about. Some would even as far as to claim disco music as gay music.

Believe it or not, disco music that we know today has been heavily influenced by gay clubs in America as early as the 60s. It was at that time that the first bars reserved exclusively for gay patrons were opened across the States. For gay people then, visiting these bars was a truly liberating experience for they can finally dance with their men without public persecution.

While straight bars all across the country were playing rock and roll and horrendous straight music, the gay bars favored soul and R&B, which had a more regular dance beat and a lot more attitude. And it came as no surprise that gay people then preferred music by black people for they were likewise shunned and discriminated by society.

When black oriented music evolved into disco funk in the early 70s it became a little too inaccessible to the gay community, as most of them were white. As a result of gay demand and the increasing number of gay record producers, a lighter form of disco music was created. With a faster tempo and more pop oriented, this new sound allowed gay clubbers to celebrate their sexuality in style on the dance floor.

By mid 70s, disco music was gaining more and more popularity and finally, the record companies pushed the music to the masses, thrusting a sound borne of a subculture into the mainstream.

Fast forward to the 21st century, while disco music morphed and continued to be a fixture in straight as well as gay clubs, the gay crowd today is also dancing to different sound. Trance, techno and house music are regularly featured in gay clubs. Abandoning their disco roots, there are some clubs that are devoted to playing only this type of music.

One reason why such music is gaining popularity in gay clubs could be the increasing use of recreational drugs among their patrons. In a state of drug induced high, you no longer can swing your arms in the air and lip-sync to your favorite gay anthem. All you need is a thumping regular dance beat to match your racing heartbeat and a repetitive hook to spin your head in psychedelic circles to enhance the high.

Of course we cannot assume one is gay just because he listens to trance or disco. After all, trance originated from a mainly straight dance culture while disco has become mainstream since a long time ago. However, like my online foe suggests, there are some names in one�s CD collection that invariably signals that the collector is batting with the boys. Names like Madonna, Cher, Kylie Minogue, Elton John, George Michael and the list goes on�

Female gay icons in particular have a special place in our hearts for they openly express and sing about emotions that we have to stow away in our closet on a normal workday. And they do so in style and a whole lot of attitude.

Uninhibited and outrageous, these divas lay their cards on the table, thrusting their sexuality in your face, doing what most of us can only dream of doing. You can bet your gym membership that the podium queen you see gyrating to Madonna�s latest hits is picturing himself as Ms Ciconne shaking her ass for her devoted subjects on the dance floor.

While I may not have covered all the different types of music that constitutes what we label as gay music, we can already see a trend from the list of examples above. Not unlike people of other (sub)cultures, gay people turn to music as a source of inspiration and a means of escaping from our dreary existence. I for one am proud that we have better taste in music and choose to do so fabulously.

As for those who dared sneer at my brilliant mp3 collection, may they rest eternally in hemorrhoid hell

that is really very true, if a guy you know likes tori amos, you can almost be certain he is gay. there is this tori sorta fan club in singapore, all but one guy in the club is gay, the girls range from lesbian to straights to fag-hags. and all the above mentioned artiste, i like them and i do have their songs, just that in place of gloria gaynor i have the cake's version... and did i say i LOVE kylie... like all other gay guys hahaha

got my entire post a level's schedule planned out, all the way from now till dec 16. there's an activity almost everyday other than one or 2 empty slots. yep and i'm going to bed now to prepare for tomorrow

a few lessons learnt while mugging

1. younger brothers are the bane of everybody's existence
2. every elder brother has the urge and tendency to mash up their younger bro to tiny chunks, shove them through a sausage making machine and feed them to the china people....
3. never listen to guns n roses while trying to study, it usually leads to some jumping, playing air guitar and behaving like a gay guy who just saw justin timberlake naked on his bed
4. don't leave lecture notes lying around, you tend to forget they were there and may not even be bother to read it later on
5. i should really go and sleep

i received a phone call just about 2 hours ago, and i was instructed to open my door. i never expected to find a cake sitting outside with a present and a card place on my gate. i was shocked beyond words. kinda sat down and read the card and....

i thought it would be quite weird to be 18 just a day before my A's, but i guess life always have surprises for us. i am really very happy, thanks guys, love ya all!!!!!

i know i don't make sense sometimes, but usually it happens out of necessity. cos sometimes there are somethings i can't say it out straight. i end up rambling on about nothing, but some would understand what its about.

i thought about you today. its been like how many years, 2? 3? you are still alive and kicking i believe. sometimes i miss you terribly, i dreamt of you, did you know that? but even in the dream, i was terrified of you, i was running away from you. and you were right beside me, and i never felt more alone.

i just don't feel right, yeah i think its not fair. i mean, you know. it shouldn't be like that. can i say something? can i just say something. no i don't want to just say something, i wanna say something and i want you to think of the something i've said. like think about it.

my father refused to let me drink my vodka, yes its mine, and i haven't opened it. i wanted to, you know, grab a sip and you know. but daddy said no. sigh. anyhow, there's something i wanna say but too lengthy to type and explain. and i did something so so so stupid (don't ask, its about some chanting some stuff before i sleep)

nothing much to report, but till now things are still fine. GP was a surprise - the compre was on Singlish. i can't imagine how the examiners are feeling. i mean do they even know what singlish is like? hrmmm nothing new in life too, other than the fact that i am turning 18 this sunday. i should think it would be wierd to be 18 the day before an exam. back in sec 4, i actually went out to celebrate cos there was a couple of days break. hope parents get me what i want, and i should love to go out after nov 21 and meet....

time for laksa!!! (yummy lunch)

i am not even going to, wait i think i am. MY GOD the papers today were so UNEXPECTED. firstly, the math paper was not the usual kind of question. it was much easier than the specimen papers, but definitely harder than the previous years. overall it was ok, just a few careless mistakes and i didn't how to do one question. so should be fine (i hope). but econs, econs, econs. do you know that it has ALWAYS BEEN THE CASE that there are 12 question, i repeat 12 question. for some strange unknown reason, only 11 came out. well the one question that didn't came out as NIA (national income accounting, which would have been something so easy which i studied!!!!). and yes my fave topic - elasticity - came out hidden in one question and i only realised it after i finished the paper. what luck i tell you. thankfully i studied market structures and it came out 2 questions on it, my ass was saved by that topic. all the questions this year were strange, as in they were not the usual question. a few of my friends were completely off in the spottin, i seriously hope they did ok.. the only 2 questions i spotted accurately was the labour market and NID, which i obviously studied.. so not too good a paper, not too bad too.. hoping for the best...

I SLEPT AT 3am last night cos some JACKASS rang my HOUSE phone at 1.22, waking me up. and i was already having trouble falling asleep (i was kinda nervous see). so i gave that bugger a big scolding and msg him and told him to use his "dumbass brain to think, why would anybody call and this hour, it so ......" and then he replied that he wished i failed and cursed that i would fail... my god he is so getting it back from me. i am going to so make him cry and torture him. i envision crucifying him, then slowly, scooping off small amounts of flesh off with a metallic spoon, so that he doesn;t die, but bleeds painfully. and that it would be a slow but painful death, watching every piece of him slowly comes off, until finally there leaves his torso and head.. by then i would cut open the skull and scoop the brain out while he is still concious!!! MUAHHAHJAHA

ah well, couldn''t resist the urge to blog.... anyhow, the war starts tomorrow, actually i don't view it as war, but more painfully trudging through a lot of essays. still there are some good news, i am THROUGH with maths as of tuesday. i will never ever have to know how to intergrate cos inverse whatever whatever, nor do i need to do 3d trigo or complex number EVER AGAIN!!!!!, and i will so go out and party so yep, gtg head back to work.

a little note:
do you know that while malaysia sells raw water to singapore at 3sen per 1000 gallon, singapore sells it back to malaysia at 50sen per 1000 gallon. the MALAYSIAN government sells it to the johoreans at RM3.95 per thousand gallon. the cost of treating THIER raw water is RM2.40, and yes the SINGAPORE government is subsidising RM1.90... now why was that never said by THEM.. no this is not national education, i was never very much with the singapore government on it, but this is just showing how irritatingly ***********Y$^$# some pple are

ok, the exams, yes the really scary "A" levels would be here in a couple of days. it starts on Nov 11th for me actually, and it ends on Nov 21. a short 11 days with 6 effective days of exams. yes my birthday is in the midst of my exams (the day before my geog paper actually) so i'll be celebrating it after the entire thing. this means that i would try my best not to blog for the next 2 weeks. but knowing me, before the end of next week, there would probably be a few post. anyhow wish me luck guys!!!

cheerioz!
[k]

recommended playlist for exams time listening:
cake - i will survive
foo fighters - the one
coldplay - don't panic
default - wasting my time
linkin park - run away
howie day - slow down
vanessa williams - save the best for last
and finally when it all ends
michelle branch - goodbye to you
sophie ellis bextor - take me home!!!!!

ok, its out, these are the things that i am gonna do/get after the a's. yep, of course i am not gonna get all myself right, since my birthday is coming soon, and there's christmas, so in case anybody that reads this, and don't really know what to get me, here goes!! hahah (just joking lahz, i appreciate and present that comes my way...) seriously, its tiring shopping for a present, and anyhow...

AFTER THE A's

PARTY!!!!!!!!!! (note that there's no number cos its a must immediately after A's!!!!)
1. BOSS GE 7
2. BOSS PW 10
3. take over friend's pedals
4. Filter - Amalgamut
5. Feeder - Comfort in Sound
6. Goo Goo Dolls - Gutterflower
7. Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up The Girl
8. Goo Goo Dolls - What I've Learn Abt Ego, Opinion, Arts & Commerce
9. Third Eye Blind - Blue
10. Third Eye Blind - Third Eye Blind
11. Matchbox 20 - You, Yourself or Someone Like You
12. Matchbox 20 - Mad Season
13. Led Zeppelin IV
14. Meet WQ
15. play lotsa guitar - complete starry night and start sweet child
16. gym, gym, gym
17. jog, jog, jog (yes in preparation for the army)
18. new clothes
19. my bike license (you guys know liaoz right? i am licensed pilot liaoz, can fly before can drive)

love?

someone told me its abt time i picked up the pieces of the terrible relationship last year, and try it again. i didn't want to, but it makes perfect sense that its been more than a year since we've went our own sweet ways. so i did as he said, picked up the broken pieces of the vulnerable organ and let it go and try to fall in love or whatever. and the thing that i am most afraid of is slowing inching back - like a deja-vu that unfolds so painstakingly slow. this person is behaving in the very same way my ex did, and it is just so scary. its like talking to someone that i know will hurt me, its like sending myself to my death. he was upset because i had to go home and study; i was watching tele, so i said i would call back after the show ended, and that upsetted him too. it is so so frightening that things are going just about the same.. i don't want it to be.. i don't dare to do anything. how do i even try to get out this shadow that is wrapped around me so tightly. is there anyone out there that can love me without hurting me? is there anyone out there that i can love without hurting? i guess the entire thing left a shadow on me, and it has not gone anywhere but all around me, like a cloth that is slowly pulled over my eyes, so that i can't see, like a cloth that is slowly wrapped around my entire temple - slowly, but surely, suffocating me.

Needing (by mark)
Needing
To heal
That wound that he made.
No,
No one will be blamed for anything.

No one will say that you are dumb,
Outwardly that is.
It's a worthy act, to a
In my opinion,
An unworthy boy
In an unworthy environment�

Admire your act of self-sacrifice,
But in this age where
Whining is socially acceptable,
You will learn slowly that
The slow and steady don't win the rest.

They screw things up.

You gotta be fast boy,
Think before your heart says anything

time for more blonde jokes: a guy was in the sperm bank, trying to donate some sperms to get some money (yes they do pay you to do it). so this man went to the counter and saw a blonde. he was quite shocked and exclaimed "dear, this is sperm bank, and i don't think you've got any to donate". upon hearing this, the blonde pointed to he mouth and gesticulated wildly.....
AHAHAHA

check this out, mark's got a new blog!!!! and its called virginia! hahaha

noticed a couple of mistakes on my previous postings, corrected them.

this is so disgusting. last night, after i finished reading some essay plans for econs, i decided to draw up a plan (and a cute guy on the same paper) - for what i have to do after the A's. it is so disgusting because i spent most of the time thinking about what to do AFTER the A's and not STUDYING for the A's. to top it all up, i have this terrible attitude towards the A's - that i justs want to get it over and done with PERIOD. i am so tired of studying, 12 years of non stop studying (well maybe i did not exactly studied for the 1st 9 and a half years but still). it is like a never ending race to read more, do more, write more, and when one school term ends, its the start of another school term. its so scary cos its never gonna stop. its a cycle that goes on and on and on and on. then after school, what's next? you work till you die - well maybe you work then retire and wait for death. its so morbid. ARGH this is not good, freaking out just days before the A's.... er help?

caught city of angels on tv just now. i must say that it is a show that really touches the heart, and tears it to bits at the same time. ah, wth, its such a heartbreaking film. i'm sure most people here already know the story, but still why must it be like that. errr

i need to say this out loud! i am really really irritated by you and no i do not want to talk to you not even for just one minute. LEAVE ME ALONE

had a nice and long conversation with this friend of mine. there was this section on how you know that guy you are talking to or eyeing for that matter is gay. well this is for the female readers actually. but i can't really remember now, so i guess i will put it up in another posting.

here are some blonde joke
1. what did the blonde do when she missed bus 44? she took bus 22 twice
2. when the blonde tried to drive to the airport, she saw a sign that said "Airport Left", turned around and went home.
3. in the middle of the day, just before the blood test, a blonde got really worried, because she forgot to study for it!!! hahahaha

Queer As Folks 01x12
"You probably think this is all about you being gay don't you? Well I admit, it might have been at first, but that's not the point anymore. Whether you're gay or you're straight, I thought we were friends."
"We are..."
"But friends trust each other, what did you think would happen if you told me? That i'd tell everyone at the store? I wouldn't have, mike, don't you know that?"
"I should have... But when you spend your entire life keeping it a secret-- who you really are. You learn to stop trusting people, and it becomes second nature..."

ok, my new layout is about to be done, much thanks to YW for helping with it. doesn't it look simply arty and simple? i think its a piece done by picasso or whoever. well nothing much going on, other than studying and drooling my heart out. yes, typical me. wonders how many times i have done that already. everyday we fall in love with the most beautiful guy in this planet, that is before we bump into another one the next day (c.f 2 entries ago).

oh yar the links are not up yet, gimme sometime ok? and hey pple, look carefully at the pictures and tell me how many faces are there! yepyep all the blocks shades and whatnots all depict faces in one way.

its kinda funny that now, my ex is actually crawling back to me. some of you guys might still remember the horrendous experience i had last year - the hospital shit and all? anybody? ok, good raydance and a couple of others remember. the reason he gave NOW, was that he did not knew if the operation would be successful, so he had to treat me that way so that i would forget him and will not worry about him. HAH, what a bunch of lies. my goodness. some people actually believed that and went "awww isn't that sweet". sweet my ASS. for those who knew that incident, those behaviour are not out of "oh no i don't want him to worry over me". if it was, somebody would not bat an eye when i was tearfully talking to him with blood on my wrist. but anyhow, now that the entire issue has passed, i am still friends with him. i rather make friends than enemy unless you are a certain irritating jackass jock from my school. its kinda cool to have a few people go after me at one time. ah.. you know what would be better (too much details on this hahaha) well wonders if that guy i just mailed would respond...

study hard to all the pple taking A's!!! JIA YOU!! take care folks

i typed an entire chunk of words about something which i felt. but then it didn't come out quite the way i wanted it to. well you see, i read something regarding a past love. it kinda hurts when you read about someone you used to like possibly liking someone else. but the point is that it didn't upset me much, i just felt kinda wierd... i don't know if that is the correct description, but you get the idea? maybe i have moved on involuntarily. i think i want to stay in love but i don't really love him? could that be it? could it be that 10 months of liking someone is too much and that eventually it all has to end... could it be that?

i am going to announce officially that my crush for wildcat is going to come to an end. not that i am liking him less, but i have decided it is pointless to keep running away from a relationship by developing crushes on half the world half the time. but then again, i'm gay, i should be drooling over all the guys like there's this really cute guy that i've met that day, he's................

hahahhaha

took this off my friend, mull over it will ya??

Queer as Folk
"The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every 28 seconds. Of course, that's straight men. Gay men it's every nine. You could be at the supermarket, or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy. Hotter than the one you saw last weekend or went home with the night before which...explains why we're all at Babylon at one in the morning instead of at home, in bed. But who wants to be at home, in bed? Especially alone...when you can be here, knowing that at any moment...you might see him. The most beautiful man whoever lived. That is, until tomorrow night..."

for the uninitiated, Queer as Folk is an american drama about, well, gays. yepyep

somehow i think most pple look cute at clubs because of the horrible lighting....

there's some prob with the server...
bear with it

test

i guess i would be gone off the bloggin scene for quite sometime. you are right, maybe i am posting a bit too much.. i need to get away from this for awhile. goodbye folks, it was definitely a good blogging experience.

i never wanted a comments box or a shoutout box because i am most afraid that something would happened. but alas things happened even when you try your best to prevent it. i guess there must be a need for it to happen.

i so do not want this happen, i don't want to argue with you, not after we've gone through so much to become friends.. are we just going to let some women who has been spreadin ills abt me using ur name to ruin what both of us tried hard to achieve?

its really hard to guess what's going on in people's heart. but words get around. its scary the way they do, but words get around. and to you: you have achieved what u've set out to, but spoiled things. but don't worry, you'll never get me down. i stand tall and have got all the things in the world and what have you? you mouth so that u can say more things about others??

in a fit of an anger, i've typed a really insensitive post. and in the process i may have lost a friend. i don't think well when i am angry. i am sorry for having typed that. i apologise. it seems that there are people who read this blog and do not care two hoots about the author, for crying out loud, read the disclaimer.. and if you want to use someone else's name, please think of the consequences. like how i should think about stuff before i said anything... so if you do read my page, and i know you do.... would u just open your bloody eyes and think of how pple feel. and don't use someone else's name to backstab me.. its more disgusting than anything.. now that you've sow discord between something i've tried hard to build, may u rot in the depths of hell..

and to you, i am sorry i typed that really insensitive post.. i truly am

i think i am an interestingly boring person... am i? but whatever it is i am going to drive myself insane sooner or later with this love thing. i should stop playing mindgames now that i've found out that he is a fellow scorpio too. it is easy to play such mind battles with others cos scorpios are generally gd at such and can read pple quite well, whether we want to or not is another thing. but anyhow to play mindgames with a fellow scorpio is a killer, go check out all thouse horoscopes site and they'll tell you too. anyhow i've got a gift for him liaoz, its goanne total to abt 80, oh my god, why am i spendin so much??

anyhow i caught sweet home alabama today cos won some perfect 10 thingy, so was at marina today. it was such a sweet show, couples (read:alanna and THE BELOVED) should go and catch it. then there's this character bobby ray who is gay and i decently cute.. its worth the 7 bucks (not 8). a really really sweet show, though the plot is quite predictable after the first few surprises...

off to my bed where i can finally see him, in my dreams that is

i feel like a dog, i feel like a puppy, you know the ones that forever look like they lost a beloved. i feel more alone than i have ever been. maybe cos last time, being alone is not that bad cos its just alone. but now being alone means not being with someone. that just kinda adds salt to the wound. (what wound, i sound like i have gotten out of love when i haven't even got into one). it is all the same.

you irritate me to no end.

i dreamt
i dreamt of you,
i dreamt that we had a long long phone conversation, and that you agreed to meet.
i dreamt that we went down to the beach and strolled under the moonlit night, under the gaze of the stars
i dreamt that you told me you were tired from the concert that night, and you gradually leaned towards me and slept on my shoulder
i dream that you told me you will make inseparable cities with thier arms about each other's neck, by the love of the comrades; and kissed me

New Radicals - Someday We'll Know

90 miles outside chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love just once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

(chorus)
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I was meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time..... tonight

(chorus)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me....tonight

(chorus)

i don't really know what to say. my mind is a blank. i miss talking to him, even though it was only 2 days ago since i chatted with him. waiting for his call now. i feel kinda stupid waiting, but i am waiting nonetheless - no it does not imply i am stupid.

played my guitar a lot today, learnt a new song in a matter of minutes (yes its a simple song, not because i am good), it's a nice song actually, Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World.

i have always thought that one should not over zealously engage in a conversation unless there's a need to, so someone else starts a conversation. but i realised that it could not have been the case because if everyone thought like that, there would be no conversation unless situation calls for it. well probably because i don't really feel talky these days. i just want talk to you(him)... i am lovesick......

and other than that i really don't know what to say. strange for once i am quiet. this is bad bad.

its the dead of the night, i can't sleep cos so many things happened in the day. HIS phone was off, so i couldn't call through and i have been upset and uneasy. yes that plus the fact that i am in a bad mood, i am pissed by you and you and you. all of you actually, no not all of you. WTF am i rambling about? i think i am going insane for this month again, how interesting.

honestly i am really not interested to engage in such little nitty-gritty detailed conversation with you, but i don't exactly have a choice, it kills me to say no. but let it be known that i don't really want to. and you, yes just shut up would you, i don't really want to know what you did with whom when and what condom u used. and you, when i say i'll be there in 5, i mean 10 and i am almost always late, so be there late and don't be irritating. and you, don't give me the looks, i HATE it. and you, if u have no idea what u are talking about, don't talk, makes sense? NO, i am not straight, yes i am gay... are u?

argh i am going nuts. i need someone to hug to sleep. yes, if u think u fit the bill - i have irritating high standards - (now u shut up and don't say anything to this) i'll be one of the sweetest stead you'll ever have, serious.. and did i mention i was good in ... well excess information. i am so incoherent, i think i need sleep, yes, sleep and blood, and vodka and sex, what else can be better, the A levels???

arh!!!!!!!!! WILDCAT just called me, like just. oh man, i am like all smiles and well, secured a date with him on friday. well apparently there's some minor screw-ups in the schedule, at any rate, i'll be going over to his place!!! oh man!! i can't believe it. well i dunno, but he sounded very shaky when he called, and this is a very wierd time to call. see i have this friend who calls at such horrible hours, and i was just about to lecture my "friend" before i realise its HIM. i can just imagine what would happen that day. see now i don't even need to try to plant my devious plan, its working by itself, and maybe its self-sustaining..

i can't stop gushin cos the world's asleep and i can't call anyone to gush. i think i would be sleeping really well tonight, and have sweeet dreams. okokok, i was joking, serious.

i went clubbing last night!! its been quite awhile since i last clubbed. it was a straight club, and i must say it is not very much different from a gay club. just that in gay clubs, the guys are a lot cuter and we do more things inside there. as we can dance more crazily, flirt shamelessly and a host of stuff which u don't really want to know. went with cute guy/sch team tennis player and it was err nice. got to hug him (ah....)

it was our friends' birthday yesterday actually. and we kinda got a g-string (note: tiny little thing with a transparent netted y back) and we made them put it on!! haha and i got photos of it.. man what a celebration.

i missed the fireworks yesterday!! the esplanade one. i was like walking in citylink hopin to get to esplanade in time when i heard the explosions (fireworks lahz) and by the time i rushed out, it was over.. ARgh!!! but as a consolation, i bumped into wildcat!!! hrmm

i am so happy, i almost got it going with wildcat, yesh he's like the cutest guy around. now just gotta try to get my devious plan in action then the rest would be history. lets see, i found out somethin abt my junior/vp today, got a great massage from a great guy. long story, but he kinda let his secret out of the bag. then my other er love affair (read affair, so i am entitled to many!! ahahahah), well lets just say that i happen to know his close friend who is gay. so let just see how things unfold. this love affair is just so sweet. lets see, i made a passing comment that my discman was spoiled, then cute guy/sch team tennis player whips out his mp3player and offer it to me, so that i can have some music on my way home. ah how sweet is that.

ok gotta stop gushin. sigh i think i am going to drop lit, something out of necessity, not choice, but what the hell. gotta go sleep and dream of some feline creatures (yeah it really helps, i slept so well after i chatted with him and almosts landed myself in his house) *slut*.. oops

let's see, i've finally laid my hands on AVRIL LAVIGNE's debut album - let go - and i must say that it is pretty decent, the songs sounds good, and the lyrics are just so honest. its a good buy and considering that i got at 5 bucks below music junction's price, i think its a great bargain. yes alanna i can see your eyes rolling, be careful of they'll drop. anyhow, see i was suppose to like avril like, that is before u discover that her lead guitarist - evan taubenfeld - is actually kinda cute (and blonde!!!) yepyep. he was the lead singer/guitarist of the band spinfire, released a couple of albums and he quit to join avril lavigne's band. uh-huh, although sometimes he doesn't look cute in the photos, you should so check out the pics and the vids.

that aside, do you know according to a study done by french researchers, blondes are an endangered species and it is estimated that the last real blonde will be born in finland and they will become extinct by 2202, sigh.. see once the more intelligent species is gone, i can't imagine what will happen to the human race, well if only i can give birth to a younger blonde... then maybe there's hope.. er... right hahahahah!!!

its good to have a sister that knows abt one's sexuality. for me i can happily gush over the absolutely gorgeous actors with my sis =p like hideaki takizawa (over music station) and vincent ng and.... and i can bring guys home and she would grade them for me. hahah well well - ok i saw that raised eye brows of yours.

nothing exciting in my life now, 'cept that i am acquiring a new old guitar tmr (2nd hand lahz) and the book - at swim 2 boys - is really good read. ok i've gotta admit, there's a new guy (yes again!). an old friend of mine, always thought he swu(a)ng the other way. yep i would find out soon. i've gotta move on man, i can't stay lovelorn forever right, besides its always good to have someone being exceedingly nice to you and do silly things like merging our names together to form another name.... and did i mention he's cute *gush* and he's a tennis player (school team) *droolz*

shit i am beginning to think i am real shallow, or maybe i am. nahz you know how it goes, looks play a huge part too though they are not everything. (i am gay i can't help it) ok, going back to revision, tata!!!

"round round baby round round...." life just goes on. it never does really stop (until you die ie) so i think i am moving away from my previous crush to another one. yesh. one cannot survive without having a crush. so on one friend's advice, change target!. hahah i sound almost err.. loose, but its ok. i know i am in high demand, but it is just kinda irritating that i don't really like any of them. demand exceeds supply, or is it quantity.. whatever. yes i know you don't agree, then don't read, and yesh when people tend to buy things for you and ask you out, its kinda true. hahaha (jus needa gain some weight)

army army army. yes i am rambling today, thinkin aloud. but you won't exactly know what.. argh.. i need to give my brain a rest

well my dearest raydance it is not that i don't wanna update my layout, its just that i haven't had the time to sit down and grab something like ADOBE photoshop to change my layout. recall: comp crashed and died, formatted comp, lost everything on comp. yep but no worries, i should be able to grab adobe soon, so watch out world!!!

'twas a great day. went out to town, did some work with friends. and this cute friend of mine did something real sweet and made my day. yes of course its a guy, why would i ever call a girl cute?!

speaking of which i saw this girl who was so scantily clad you would swear she stays in geylang and earn her keeps there. she was like dressed in this bareback halterneck, the only piece of cloth covering her body - if it was covering at all - was a little black trianle attached to a string that goes round her neck. then she wore this 'hotpants" which was so short and tight it would probably give her hernia, the worse was that it was shorter than my ex's boxers!!! to top it up she wore black underwear, no its not thongs nor g string but those big bottom underwear. is that DisgustinG or what. well sure she's our age, but hey she has some flabs around her thighs. please ladies, if you don't have the figure don't flaunt it. i mean if she was j-lo then very well, but she was like a 14-14-14 figure with flabby thighs. and then there are those who don on spag strap and tight jeans and have gorgeous 38 top by the virtue of the fact that 44-48 follows that 38.... urgh

sometimes people jus come into your life, screws it up and leave. its like hey lets have sex. wham bam! the girl gets pregnant then the guy goes oops and leaves. then everything's in a mess. a horrible mess.

its like the colours are stolen by the very person that injects life to your being.
its like dancing and screaming, tranced
the blur, the confused, the blessed condemned
its like a death that takes you alive
its like flying away and taking all the worries, only to end up far below.
its like running away from the smashed temple, looking for the stairway to hell (F.D)

took this off rob

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses sex advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet:

------------------------------------

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them:
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. Patrick Rhoades
----------------------------------

i dunno about you but i was laughing.

something shocking happened today, i think i bumped into my ex. i saw this (cute) guy in cchs pe t-shirt - he caught my eye cos it was the same sch my ex was in - then i realised that guy looked alot like my ex. the diff is prob that he is taller. honestly i was quite shocked. i really wanted to go back up to see if he indeed is my ex but my fren stopped me, reminding me that i am suppose to hate him. its not that i am liking him or anything, but it is not easy to hate and i don't really hate people.

its been so long and i have finally got the answers. not exactly answers that i want to hear, but answers nonetheless. i must say that it is never easy to come to terms with something, even though it was quite obvious all along. its like the feeling of emptiness, like the entire heart just collapsed into itself and the excessive grief caused such immense gravitational force that it pulls itself into a black hole.

its not all that bad though. after a while, it feels great, a sense of release. like the emotional bondage is broken. it helps to have a really cute and sweet friend by my side doing excessively nice things for me =P

something shocking happened today, i think i bumped into my ex. i saw this (cute) guy in cchs pe t-shirt - he caught my eye cos it was the same sch my ex was in - then i realised that guy looked alot like my ex. the diff is prob that he is taller. honestly i was quite shocked. i really wanted to go back up to see if he indeed is my ex but my fren stopped me, reminding me that i am suppose to hate him. its not that i am liking him or anything, but it is not easy to hate and i don't really hate people.

its been so long and i have finally got the answers. not exactly answers that i want to hear, but answers nonetheless. i must say that it is never easy to come to terms with something, even though it was quite obvious all along. its like the feeling of emptiness, like the entire heart just collapsed into itself and the excessive grief caused such immense gravitational force that it pulls itself into a black hole.

its not all that bad though. after a while, it feels great, a sense of release. like the emotional bondage is broken. it helps to have a really cute and sweet friend by my side doing excessively nice things for me =P.

i am back finally. fixed my comp with some help from this friend of mine. he's so smart. i never realised i had the recovery disc.

its been so long, more than a month actually. plenty of changes in my life. good change, bad change.

first thing to do is to change the freaking layout! then will update you guys abt all that has been going on...

test

bad news, my computer died on me a couple of days ago. well, i won't be bloggin in the next few weeks. actually the death of my computer came at a pretty good time, considering that my prelims are just around the corner. its quite good to have one less distraction in my house. so i will not fix it till my prelims are over.

for those that are concerned and have no idea that my comp died, i am fine. nothing new in my life, same old stuff, mugging, guys and guitar. yepyep. at my friend's place now, so gonna stop here. tata

busy busy busy. its been a busy week, consisting generally of mugging. oh well, prelims are just around the corner, i've gotta work hard for it. in fact i don't think i have studied as much before.

i just called him and he was studying. it took me a hell lot of deliberation before i decided to call - i just don't know what to say - and i thought it would be awkward. but i eventually did it. had butterflies in my stomach for the entire duration, the thing is i don't usually feel this way, not so strongly till i don't even dare to call. but hell, i am going take things as it comes along.

dalg commented that my language has deteoriated but thought that it was an online thing. actually i think it is affecting my "offline" language too. must improve.

anyhow, am feeling quite tired, so i will be hitting the sheets.

some of you might have read this before, so bear with me.

i can't stand being nice to pple. its honestly very taxing to try to be nice to everyone. some people couldn't care 2 hoots about whether i am civil and polite. so i decided i should just be as mean and sarcastic to people who try to get witty at me for no good reason. that is people who aren't close to me at all and try to "talk" to me. i will just yell and you and criticise you and be irritating and i will be rude. to hypocrites like you, i don't need a good reason, cos you are just a pain in the ass and you shouldn't even bother to retaliate. ok now f**k off bitch.

other than the above, it was quite a good week. things are looking more positive: my wardrobe has got a few additions, my latest love affair is being so nice to me, i am starting on some revision. yep, on with my life

i don't really know how to put down in words what i feel. its just a feeling that ran away a year ago, but somehow found its way back. confusion has found its way around my head too, but thats ok still.

i should really start my revision in detail. i think i am still slacking big time. oh well. feeling really tired (damn its morning for goodness sake)

its inot that i don't change my layout, but for some reason, i am suddenly not so keen to spend a couple of hours staring at my comp using adobe and scouting for new fonts. i have taken a liking to play my guitar, work out (yes, this couch potato has change his exercise regime from moving from couch to couch to jogging, push-ups and the likes), read my notes (yes, another surprise) and spend hours on the phone and waiting for someone's msg. and i feel happy, and i feel really happy. ok, now my whole is that please bear with this layout. alanna, your layout is well just you, and lynn (i can't read cos the font is too small and the contrast too striking, so i am squinting like crazy).

ever wondered what you gonna study at university? most people are still stuck with the mind set that you MUST take engineering or business if not you'll starve to death. oh puhleeze, i don't see the 18000 other graduates from NUS/NTU per year starving to death. anyhow is anybody's parents forcing you to take biz ad, DON"T, convince your parents and take something you like. you're probably going to do far better in a subject you like, rather than one your parents like. 90% of the people graduate and work in fields totally unrelated to their degree, save for doctors and lawyers and engineers. look at it this way, all of us are going to change jobs, are we going to study one degree and really get stuck in the same kind of job forever? most of us are probably going to take 3-4 totally different jobs in our lifetime and no matter what degree we take its still gonna allow us to find a job. if you're going to take a degree you like, you'll enjoy. isn't that more than enough. doing business does not mean one must take biz ad. in fact setting up a stall at clarke quay for one weekend will teach you more about the business world than your entire degree. theory vs practice. so come on now, convince your parents and live YOUR life not you PARENT'S life

its a great weekend. it has been one of the more enjoyable weekends this year, i was at my cca place supporting my ahem friend. yeah, he was taking his exams, and i was there to cheer him on, actually because of some dumb reason, i had to go 2 days in a row to support him. i waited 16 hours of the 2 days, but it was all worth it. went out with him and a bunch of friends after the two days, and he was so nice and sweet. i just went weak in the knees on the sport (something to do with some nice black shirts), of course i got to hug him after the 2nd day, it was a nice big hug (but he was wet from all the evil concoction that i drench on him). damn i am one of the happiest boy on earth. you guys should really see him play with my camera. like this big kid with a new toy, he couldn't stop playing. took quite some shots. collecting it tonight!!! yay!!

wait daddy just came back with my photos.. they look so GOOD, so cute hahahaz, its really really funny. shall not indulge too much into it. just that he's so cute. ok, shall stop it. going to admire over the photos.

some people say i am always playing hard to get (this was particularly regarding this cute guy who asked me) and said that after awhile some people might get sick of trying. its not that i am playing hard to get, i am afraid of falling in love. and i am more afraid of how to handle it. yeah, i have tons of crushes, like some other people i know. but hey my crush are as short lived as my discman batteries. until know i can say that i have only loved one guy, and had a serious serious crush on the 2. (can we not count flings please?) lets see, one won't and will never work out, cos it was almost, just almost. and now at this very moment, i am having an infatuation over one of my cca friend. J claims my voice changed like totally when i talk with him on the phone.. oh well.. i want it to work, i really hope this time, things will be fine. but hell i don't even know if it is even concievable, if you get my drift. WTH, something in me tells me he's not totally str8 but he's not totally this way either. given my 99.99% accuracy, well.

"how can i not love you"

and so what about the previous guy that i have a crush on? i dunno, its been about half a year on since i liked him, not that i have ever stopped. but i know nothing will work out, i tried, why bother again? i think because i have a feeling so deep its not particularly easy to just make it go away. if its so tough, why don't i turn straight? because maybe i can't? its not a choice, ok maybe its a choice right down to the technical definition of the word, as in i can still choose to be with a girl and totally deny my feelings, but i won't do that. i am not ruling out the possibility that one day a girl might moved me and i'll fall in love and happy ending (yes i did crushed girls for a period of time when i was having some flings somewhere else). but its not happening in the near forseeable future.

i don't know what i would do, but i'll figure it out like i always do. i am me, i find my way around everything. come on take me and make me yours. would u pleasE?

oh no. i am developing a really really bad crush on this guy from my cca. honestly its a huge crush. and i dunno where to start doing what. a couple of my friends have been giving me great advice, and j still has some reserves but overall its going on fine. he's so sweet, man, he really really knows how to melt a person. yesh i am not made of butter but i still melt rather easily. what can i say. he's cute, behaves like a kid - picture childish teenager playing around with a softtoy trying to amuse another friend of ours. i really have to take it nice and slow this time. and yep my friend said something quite right, i am also getting on aft the incident.

now there's just one tiny prob, which i won't discuss in detail, just that this little obstacle is gonna take time. but i can almost confirm, and almost be sure that this obstacle doesn't exist. but oh well, we'll see.

i am so happy, i don't think i can fall asleep. in fact i was smiling away on my way back from meeting him just now, i can't sleep on the train too, though i was super tired. now someone gimme melatonin and a quick guide to get attach.

"i feel like i'm losing my best friend" - don't speak

don't ask. anyhow, i think i will try to indulge in some heavy chocolate binging (or however u spell that) session soon. has everybody here know of that chocolate buffet at the fullerton hotel? i am so gonna bring my friends down and pig over the sinful delights. and hey J, you are not the only one that can't get fat. i eat quite a big amount too, maybe not as much as you, but yeah you get the drift. maybe you should just accept the great fact that u can't get fat. you know how many people out there are dying to be like that. anyhow you should appreciate this and hope in 10 years time, you still can't get fat

TV is a waste of time. i totally agree, but they are also a hell lot addictive. ally mcbeal, friend, some chinese drama, great jap and korean drama. i oughta spend less time on TV and more time sleeping and doing my work. looking at the amount of time left, i really and running on a really tight schedule here. i have to start studying like real real soon.. its like oh man. if i don't i will DIE kinda stuff.

new layout is on the way. and i think i've better start doing my work now.

its a week since i last post. argh. life's really getting in on me. but all is improving. hey dalg, your site is still down leh..think i should better allocate my time. i haven't even been online this entire week to say the least. but i think i am getting back into blogging and all.. firstly must say hi to raydance for making a smashing comeback, and to all the readers who might have kinda got tired of waiting for something new to pop up. life's been busy i must say. addition of 3 hours of lesson for me per week, it really adds up you know.

plenty of things happening. i almost got drunk at my friend's place. read: almost. but i had to stay sober cos my extremely cute friend begged me not to konked out as we had to take care of the girls, help to clean up this stone drunk girl, who err kinda dirtied herself through the rejection by the body of some external fluids. had plenty of fun going crazy too. next time, i'll try my vodka.

and the most amazing news is probably that my dearest ex msg me one day and told me that he still liked me. right. to which i went "why?" and i got the most irritating reply, "becos i feel that way". that jerk, i found out that he just broke up with his stead and so i msg "oh, which is why u came running to me cos u are lonely?" which is probably true, its been almost a fucking year. and no contact nothing. finally, i made up my mind and let it all go and i felt so free and look who's crawling. i don't give a damn about him, i shall be as vicious as i want!!! haha..

on a more humane note, been hanging out with all my good old friends, from vjc and all over the place, esp my cca friends. and talking alot to mark. yep, finally had time to chat with him. feeling good, just slightly tired. been doing my work too. yep life's picking up.

been getting into a mighty lot of trouble, and finally worming myself out of it. again yesh, my friend commented that i have this uncanny ability to worm myself out of trouble. note the word worm. anyhow its been a messy week with plenty of fun. and before that let me just say hi to j, who has found out not too long ago who i am.. haha and to sm for being quite perceptive, but generally any non-blonde with enough sense can guess who i am. oki i can guess who i am.. anyhow i can't believe i almost fallen for this net guy. yesh he's cute i mean he's Hongky (all my guy frens whom been to hk told me i would drool to death when i get there). yesh, talkin excessively to this net guy, and still.

mugging harder, got a new hair cut, getting a new start hopefully. and yep, plenty of action to look forward to. an outing with the class over the weekend, a stayover at my friend's place over the weekend with my cca friends. more cuppa with my old friend.. life is good, life is great life is unbelievable...

yes, i have disappeared for a long time, not taking a hiatus actually, just that i was so busy preparing for my cca and all that i am left with no time to type. and the other thing is that whenever i do actually sit down and type, either blogger or the comp will fail on me, so it seems like fate that i don't get to blog. so many things have happened, and so much more that i can't say it over here. but i am really happy, and really contented. feeling really free, but at the same time a sense of loss. something that is so good, is going to end. i will miss walking out in the warmth sun, listening to my MD and feeling the surroundings.

life and relationships are always so complex. and yes i am not particularly happy about my current position. someone popped me the question. oh well, i didn't agree quite obviously. wonders what is wrong. but its oki, life will work things out, it usually does. anyhow its better to focus on my studies for now. and anyway i am in deep shit...

<

Take this quiz

lets just see, sbs profit (note that this is the amount they earn after they pay off all wages, dividend, etc) they are earning increasing from 3.9 billion to about 4.6 billion, dipping only to 4.2 billion last year due to some investment, smrt however has earned about 10 billion in the year 2000, and so they claim that operating cost is increasing after they have switched to energy saving air-con that has saved them 1.2 million in operating cost. is there something i am not getting here? economy recession -> lower wages -> retrenchment-> increase in prices? okie so the increase is only 3c to 5c. not a lot right, let just say that this amounts to an increase of about $8-$12 dollars in theory per person per month. and guess what the chairman of LTA or sbs or SMRT whatever said. well the consumers should expect a price revision every july. (price revision = price increase) fuck him. ask him to try to take his sbs bus and check out the freaking leg space and let him get irritated to no end by his tv-mobile. so smart, they add tv-mobile to one of the services, and say operating cost increased. DAMN everybody DON'T really want tv-mobile, so take the damn thing off and reduce your operating cost.

do you know that singapore is amongst the few country in the entire world that makes profit, and surprise surprise, we are proud commuters of one of the world's most expensive public transport. lets see, in japan, buses come at about 50-60 yen, train services is about 100+yen servicing tokyo. perth has 3 free train station, and from city to the other end, its about 70cents. WOW.. one station is singapore is 80cents. ok, the tube and the subway is not that expensive either. so maybe we have cheaper cabs.

you just can't freaking raise the price every year. i mean does anybody remember the days when one end to the other end is 1.20 cents. boon lay to pasir ris. and buses still comes in 30cents. not a lot what, 10c, 20c a year.. look how much issit now. 1.85cents. inflation, yesh, but comparing profit! i mean profit, if they are earning so much more than the 2.6 or isit 3.6 percent inflation.. 10 fucking billion dollars!!!!!!!!! now i am missing something. oh yeah, be prepared when u start working, cos average person spend about $100-$150 dollars on public transport, no i am not talking about cabs, just buses and/or trains. and price hike every july..

hahah i just typed some stuff and i accidentally closed the window again. was just saying that i am getting so sick of my layout and will be changing it when school reopens and i am more free. which is kinda ironic cos pple usually have more free time during the hols, but i spent my whole hols at my cca, and that my cca is gonna end in a week plus... real sad, will miss all the fun, and this guy from my course and this junior.. we kinda got really chummy for a good while, hope to keep in touch though.






What type of Bishounen are you? Find out at artificial-soul.net by Rin.


believe that? ladies or men... hrmm right, how did they know? am i that famous?!

well well. great day till something happened, something along the lines of I LOST MY BLOODY WALLET ALONG WITH MY STUFFS!. but something else happened. see i was kinda like trying to find my wallet in the cinema, then there was this kinda good looking guy looking for something too, and i was just wondering whether i should use the good old pick-up line "looking for something too?" and to my suprise, that guy asked me.. and we ended up chatting, but due to certain prescence, we couldn't exchange numbers.. dammit.. but anyway.. tiring day today and the rest of the week and i swear one of my teachers/instructor is gonna skin me soon (X-files anybody?)

"hey, hey baby, i wanna know, if you be my girl"

there's just so much book that i have to get.. and i so need to settle my love life, ok, maybe fill up my lack of love life... i want you! not really, but i honestly do feel something. not my ex.. i just msged my ex, but yeah, its gonna be friends thats it. at max, wham bam thankyou mam. oki sick!.. sigh..i needa talk to so many pple. when my cca ends, i promise i would study with YOU (mark) as much as possible, call those friends and get a life. in the mean time, i still like you, but i guess i should stop ranting about it and dream about it instead

i am exclaiming out loud now that i have the hugest crush on WON BIN and it is not stopping. me and my sis have been going crazy over this guy for the past week, and argh.... this time its me and my sis drooling at the same time over the comp. sheesh!. and i am going to get myself that wonbin poster i saw, the really big one to paste on my wall.

actually i am not in a good mood, but i am not gonna say why. no point. i swear it that s**t is going on any longer, i am going to split into 2.

Their idea of peace on earth is to inflict their psychoses on others.

i don't know what to do anymore.. and it is not like you don't know, i told u way before that. and argh!

i am back, been away for the past few days. had some pretty enriching experience. but mostly disturbing. my ex called. for no rime of reason. actually a rather lame excuse to ask me about someone whom i obviously know nuts about and then claiming that this other person had been calling him quite often; bad start if u ask me. it was kinda inconvienient to talk, so i said i would call back when i could. and i did not. felt very wierd. it has been so long, no communications, nothing. he decided to aviod me and subsequently, i decided i should get over him, and i pretty much did. i am feeling rather upset by the fact that our relationship does not bother me anymore. but anyhow, i don't care and i don't know what i should do. its just that. it has been so long, so much hurt, so much pain, so much tears...but i should be more concerned about what is going on now. will not elababorate. in case it gets too obvious about who i happen to be still liking.

i don't know how to chat properly! its not that i lack inter-personal skill/social skill. its that i can't talk over the icq.. i can talk on the phone, go on lengthy emails with my net friends, but somehow, i found out, much to my displeasure, that i cannot initiate a proper nice conversation like i can do over the phones. 'tis not a bad thing, but sometimes, when u can't call the person as yet, and u are too lazy to type a complete email, icq seems to do the trick. but still, thats not the point. the point is, i am trying to talk to this person over icq, this particular person, and i think i am making a bad impression. but still, i am highly jaded by relationships still. still pondering over the possibilty of love, over the possibility of someone remaining faithful, whether both party will really ever like each other and not one party likes me because i like him. still jaded. still crushed.

death and life isn't that much difference is it? they are just 2 sides to the same coin. actually there's always 2 side to everything.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
-frost-

its always about choices isn't it? and now i guess i should choose.

chesire, don't feel that upset. parents are like that. and sister are almost always irritating just like younger brothers. we all go through some shit like this. its ongoing. come now, take it easy, you know u love ur mother, and that would prevail one day. my mother loved gramps so much, but gramps never did find out until the last days of her life, and if u heard what gramps said to mother, you would tear. but mom always know in the end who really care for them. take care...

cologenics has upgraded thier service, do check it out.. they include a personality analysis (WOW)

YELLOW is the most communicative of the colors. You are bright, expressive and radiate warmth. Sometimes you might talk too much, but people always find you interesting. Above all, you have a zest for life!

BLUE personalities are the most creative and artistic of all of the colors. Imagination is your middle name and you love to express your mind freely. You are a true visionary who usually makes your dreams come true!

and this is from the another website




I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You're not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you're not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You're often late or unreliable. You're showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you'll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don't feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you'll settle down happily if you're among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don't stay in one place too long, and don't be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?

bumped around today, did nothing much essentially.. alanna you look GREAT with you short hair, maybe short (hehe) of kirsten dunst, but still great nonetheless. actually i haven't been particularly free, and i am feeling kinda guilty cos i haven't been doing much homework. oki i admit, i haven't done any. been busying myself with stuff like hanging out with friends, going for my cca and doing alot of other stuff...

i was browsing through the times magazine, and was pretty shocked and upset over this particular article. nahz its not so much about pakistan and india, they have been fighting since eons ago and peace will never prevail until one of the old dying folk dies. it was this article about this sailor that made history when he sailed across pacific ocean 2 decades back on somee primitive boat (i think it is reed or prypus or something like that). he tried to sail the same road again earlier this year and was shocked at how much the ocean has changed, he said that there was so much rubbish, plastic bottles, cans, bags, amongst others; the water has become very sticky to the extent of feeling slickish. he said that it was so contaminated that he and the sailors don't even dare to dip their toothbrush in the water sometimes. isn't it sad how fast we are destroying the environment. in a span of 20 years, or 50 since industrailisation, we have altered the face of the earth more than the 4.6 billion years, and none of the change is reversible. goodness. can we progress without harming the earth?

bumped around today, did nothing much essentially.. alanna you look GREAT with you short hair, maybe short (hehe) of kirsten dunst, but still great nonetheless. actually i haven't been particularly free, and i am feeling kinda guilty cos i haven't been doing much homework. oki i admit, i haven't done any. been busying myself with stuff like hanging out with friends, going for my cca and doing alot of other stuff...

i was browsing through the times magazine, and was pretty shocked and upset over this particular article. nahz its not so much about pakistan and india, they have been fighting since eons ago and peace will never prevail until one of the old dying folk dies. it was this article about this sailor that made history when he sailed across pacific ocean 2 decades back on somee primitive boat (i think it is reed or prypus or something like that). he tried to sail the same road again earlier this year and was shocked at how much the ocean has changed, he said that there was so much rubbish, plastic bottles, cans, bags, amongst others; the water has become very sticky to the extent of feeling slickish. he said that it was so contaminated that he and the sailors don't even dare to dip their toothbrush in the water sometimes. isn't it sad how fast we are destroying the environment. in a span of 20 years, or 50 since industrailisation, we have altered the face of the earth more than the 4.6 billion years, and none of the change is reversible. goodness. can we progress without harming the earth?